The Adventures of Sally 9 – Wodehouse · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Adventures of Sally 9Part 2 · Chapter 6
18
Literature · Humor
The Adventures of Sally 9
Part 2 · Chapter 6
WodehouseEnglish
Ginger Kemp exhibited some of the symptoms of a young bridegroom called upon at a wedding-breakfast to respond to the toast. He moved his feet restlessly and twisted his fingers.
“I hate talking about myself, you know,” he said.
“So I supposed,” said Sally. “That's why I gave you my autobiography first, to give you no chance of backing out. Don't be such a shrinking violet. We're all shipwrecked mariners here. I am intensely interested in your narrative. And, even if I wasn't, I'd much rather listen to it than to Jules' snoring.”
“He is snoring a bit, what? Does it annoy you? Shall I stir him?”
“You seem to have an extraordinary brutal streak in your nature,” said Sally. “You appear to think of nothing else but schemes for harassing poor Jules. Leave him alone for a second, and start telling me about yourself.”
“Where shall I start?”
“Well, not with your childhood, I think. We'll skip that.”
“Well...” Ginger Kemp knitted his brow, searching for a dramatic opening. “Well, I'm more or less what you might call an orphan, like you. I mean to say, both my people are dead and all that sort of thing.”
“Thanks for explaining. That has made it quite clear.”
“I can't remember my mother. My father died when I was in my last year at Cambridge. I'd been having a most awfully good time at the 'varsity,'” said Ginger, warming to his theme. “Not thick, you know, but good. I'd got my rugger and boxing blues and I'd just been picked for scrum-half for England against the North in the first trial match, and between ourselves it really did look as if I was more or less of a snip for my international.”
Sally gazed at him wide eyed.
“Is that good or bad?” she asked.
“Eh?”
“Are you reciting a catalogue of your crimes, or do you expect me to get up and cheer? What is a rugger blue, to start with?”
“Well, it's... it's a rugger blue, you know.”
“Oh, I see,” said Sally. “You mean a rugger blue.”
“I mean to say, I played rugger--footer--that's to say, football--Rugby football--for Cambridge, against Oxford. I was scrum-half.”
“And what is a scrum-half?” asked Sally, patiently. “Yes, I know you're going to say it's a scrum-half, but can't you make it easier?”
“The scrum-half,” said Ginger, “is the half who works the scrum. He slings the pill out to the fly-half, who starts the three-quarters going. I don't know if you understand?”
“I don't.”
“It's dashed hard to explain,” said Ginger Kemp, unhappily. “I mean, I don't think I've ever met anyone before who didn't know what a scrum-half was.”
“Well, I can see that it has something to do with football, so we'll leave it at that. I suppose it's something like our quarter-back. And what's an international?”
“It's called getting your international when you play for England, you know. England plays Wales, France, Ireland, and Scotland. If it hadn't been for the smash, I think I should have played for England against Wales.”
“I see at last. What you're trying to tell me is that you were very good at football.”
Ginger Kemp blushed warmly.
“Oh, I don't say that. England was pretty short of scrum-halves that year.”
“What a horrible thing to happen to a country! Still, you were likely to be picked on the All-England team when the smash came? What was the smash?”
“Well, it turned out that the poor old pater hadn't left a penny. I never understood the process exactly, but I'd always supposed that we were pretty well off; and then it turned out that I hadn't anything at all. I'm bound to say it was a bit of a jar. I had to come down from Cambridge and go to work in my uncle's office. Of course, I made an absolute hash of it.”
“Why, of course?”
“Well, I'm not a very clever sort of chap, you see. I somehow didn't seem able to grasp the workings. After about a year, my uncle, getting a bit fed-up, hoofed me out and got me a mastership at a school, and I made a hash of that. He got me one or two other jobs, and I made a hash of those.”
“You certainly do seem to be one of our most prominent young hashers!” gasped Sally.
“I am,” said Ginger, modestly.
There was a silence.
“And what about Scrymgeour?” Sally asked.
“That was the last of the jobs,” said Ginger. “Scrymgeour is a pompous old ass who thinks he's going to be Prime Minister some day. He's a big bug at the Bar and has just got into Parliament. My cousin used to devil for him. That's how I got mixed up with the blighter.”
“Your cousin used...? I wish you would talk English.”
“That was my cousin who was with me on the beach this morning.”
“And what did you say he used to do for Mr. Scrymgeour?”
“Oh, it's called devilling. My cousin's at the Bar, too--one of our rising nibs, as a matter of fact...”
“I thought he was a lawyer of some kind.”
“He's got a long way beyond it now, but when he started he used to devil for Scrymgeour--assist him, don't you know. His name's Carmyle, you know. Perhaps you've heard of him? He's rather a prominent johnny in his way. Bruce Carmyle, you know.”
“I haven't.”
“Well, he got me this job of secretary to Scrymgeour.”
“And why did Mr. Scrymgeour fire you?”
Ginger Kemp's face darkened. He frowned. Sally, watching him, felt that she had been right when she had guessed that he had a temper. She liked him none the worse for it. Mild men did not appeal to her.
“I don't know if you're fond of dogs?” said Ginger.
“I used to be before this morning,” said Sally. “And I suppose I shall be again in time. For the moment I've had what you might call rather a surfeit of dogs. But aren't you straying from the point? I asked you why Mr. Scrymgeour dismissed you.”
“I'm telling you.”
“I'm glad of that. I didn't know.”
“The old brute,” said Ginger, frowning again, “has a dog. A very jolly little spaniel. Great pal of mine. And Scrymgeour is the sort of fool who oughtn't to be allowed to own a dog. He's one of those asses who isn't fit to own a dog. As a matter of fact, of all the blighted, pompous, bullying, shrivelled-souled old devils...”
“One moment,” said Sally. “I'm getting an impression that you don't like Mr. Scrymgeour. Am I right?”
“Yes!”
“I thought so. Womanly intuition! Go on.”
“He used to insist on the poor animal doing tricks. I hate seeing a dog do tricks. Dogs loathe it, you know. They're frightfully sensitive. Well, Scrymgeour used to make this spaniel of his do tricks--fool-things that no self-respecting dogs would do: and eventually poor old Billy got fed up and jibbed. He was too polite to bite, but he sort of shook his head and crawled under a chair. You'd have thought anyone would have let it go at that, but would old Scrymgeour? Not a bit of it! Of all the poisonous...”
“Yes, I know. Go on.”
“Well, the thing ended in the blighter hauling him out from under the chair and getting more and more shirty, until finally he laid into him with a stick. That is to say,” said Ginger, coldly accurate, “he started laying into him with a stick.” He brooded for a moment with knit brows. “A spaniel, mind you! Can you imagine anyone beating a spaniel? It's like hitting a little girl. Well, he's a fairly oldish man, you know, and that hampered me a bit: but I got hold of the stick and broke it into about eleven pieces, and by great good luck it was a stick he happened to value rather highly. It had a gold knob and had been presented to him by his constituents or something. I minced it up a goodish bit, and then I told him a fair amount about himself. And then--well, after that he shot me out, and I came here.”
Sally did not speak for a moment.
“You were quite right,” she said at last, in a sober voice that had nothing in it of her customary flippancy. She paused again. “And what are you going to do now?” she said.
“I don't know.”
“You'll get something?”
“Oh, yes, I shall get something, I suppose. The family will be pretty sick, of course.”
“For goodness' sake! Why do you bother about the family?” Sally burst out. She could not reconcile this young man's flabby dependence on his family with the enterprise and vigour which he had shown in his dealings with the unspeakable Scrymgeour. Of course, he had been brought up to look on himself as a rich man's son and appeared to have drifted as such young men are wont to do; but even so... “The whole trouble with you,” she said, embarking on a subject on which she held strong views, “is that...”
Her harangue was interrupted by what--at the Normandie, at one o'clock in the morning--practically amounted to a miracle. The front door of the hotel opened, and there entered a young man in evening dress. Such persons were sufficiently rare at the Normandie, which catered principally for the staid and middle-aged, and this youth's presence was due, if one must pause to explain it, to the fact that, in the middle of his stay at Roville, a disastrous evening at the Casino had so diminished his funds that he had been obliged to make a hurried shift from the Hotel Splendide to the humbler Normandie. His late appearance to-night was caused by the fact that he had been attending a dance at the Splendide, principally in the hope of finding there some kind-hearted friend of his prosperity from whom he might borrow.
A rapid-fire dialogue having taken place between Jules and the newcomer, the keys were handed through the cage, the door opened and the lift was set once more in motion. And a few minutes later, Sally, suddenly aware of an overpowering sleepiness, had switched off her light and jumped into bed. Her last waking thought was a regret that she had not been able to speak at length to Mr. Ginger Kemp on the subject of enterprise, and resolve that the address should be delivered at the earliest opportunity.
