Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 4 – Holley · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 4Chapter 4
18
Literature · Humor
Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 4
Chapter 4
HolleyEnglish
Salt Lake lays in a rich valley at the foot of a range of snow-capped mountains that tower up 'round it, seemin' to the saints, I spoze, as if they wuz heavenly ramparts to protect 'em from evil; and lookin' to them that despise the saints' ways and customs, as if the very earth itself was liftin' up its high hands in horrow at their deeds. But to me, hanted as I wuz by a memory, the mountains looked some like old men with white hair; as his would be when he got older if he wuzn't bald. I knew that I ort not to think on it, but it would come onbid. It is a beautiful city with electric lights, electric railways, broad streets lined with lofty trees, and little rivulets of pure cold snow-water runnin' along the side of 'em. The houses are clean and comfortable looking, with well-kep' lawns and gardens about 'em and flowering shrubs. The temple is a magnificent building; it towers up to heaven, as if it wuz jest as sure of bein' right as our Methodist Episcopal steeple at Jonesville. Though we know that the M. E. steeple, though smaller in size, is pintin' the right way and will be found out so on that day that tries souls and steeples and everything else.
The old Bee Hive (where the swarm of Mormons first hived and made gall or honey--or mebby both)--is also an interestin' sight to meditate on. It is shaped a good deal like one of them round straw bee hives you see in old Sabbath School books. The bride and groom went to their own home to live, on whom we called, or Tommy and I did, and left 'em well situated and happy; and I told him, sez I: "If you 'tend strict to the eighth commandment, you'll git along first rate."
And he said that he felt he could rise to any height of goodness with Baby's help. And she scoffed at the idee of pa ever payin' any attention to any other woman but her, when he worshipped her so.
Well, so other men have felt and got led off, but I won't forebode. But I left 'em happy in their own cozy home, which I wuz glad to think I could describe to Phileman and Ann if I ever see that blessed haven, Jonesville, agin.
We went out to visit the Mineral Springs. It only took us about ten minutes on the train, and it only took us about half an hour to go to Garfield Beach. It is the only sand beach on Salt Lake, and some say it is the finest beach in the world, and they say that the sunsets viewed from this spot are so heavenly bright in their glowin' colors that no pen or tongue can describe 'em. The blue-green waves wuz dancin' as we stood on the shore, and we wuz told that if we fell in, the water would hold us up, but didn't try it, bein' in sunthin' of a hurry.
At Miss Meechim's strong request we went on a pleasant trip to York City through the valley of the River of Jordan. How good that name sounded to me! How much like scripter! But, alas! it made me think of one who had so often sung with me on the way home from evenin' meetin', as the full moon gilded the top of the democrat, and the surroundin' landscape:
"By Jordan's stormy banks we stand
And cast a wistful eye
On Canaan's fair and happy land,
Where my possessions lie."
Oh, human love and longing, how strong thou art! I knowed that him meant the things of the sperit, but my human heart translated it, and I sithed and felt that the Jordan my soul wuz passin' through wuz indeed a hard pathway, and I couldn't help castin' a wishful eye on Jonesville's fair and happy land, where my earthly possession, my Josiah, lay.
But to resoom. We had hearn that Polygamy wuz still practised there, and we had hearn that it wuzn't. But every doubt on that subject wuz laid to rest by an invitation we all had to go and visit a Mormon family livin' not fur off, and Miss Meechim and I went, she not wantin' Dorothy to hear a word on the subject. She said with reason, that after all her anxiety and labors to keep her from marryin' one man, what would be her feelin's to have her visit a man who had boldly wedded 'leven wives and might want a even dozen!
I could see it to once, so didn't urge the matter, but left Tommy with her and Aronette. As nigh as I could make out, the Mormons had felt that Miss Meechim and I wuz high in authority in Gentile climes, one on us had that air of nobility and command that is always associated with high authority, and they felt that one on us could do their cause much good if they could impress us favorable with the custom, so they put their best twenty-four feet forward and did their level best to show off their doctrine in flyin' colors. But they didn't do any good to "one on us," nor to Miss Meechim, either; she's sound in doctrine, though kinder weak and disagreeable in spots.
Well, we found that this family lived in splendid style, and the husband and all his pardners acted happy whether they wuz or not. And I d'no how or why it wuz, but when we all sot down in their large cool parlor, Miss Meechim and I in our luxurious easy chairs, and our host in one opposite with his wife occupyin' 'leven chairs at his sides, a feelin' of pity swep' over me--pity for that man.
Yes, as I looked at that one lonely man, small boneded at that, and then looked at them 'leven portly wimmen that called that man "our husband," I pitied him like a dog. I had never thought of pityin' Mormon men before, but had poured out all my pity and sympathy onto the female Mormons. But havin' a mind like a oxes for strength, I begun to see matters in a new light, and I begun to spozen to myself, even whilst I sot there with my tongue keepin' up a light dialogue on the weather, the country, etc., with the man and his wife ('leven on 'em). I spozed what if they should all git mad at him at one time how wuz he goin' to bear their 'leven rages flashin' from twenty-two eyes, snortin' from 'leven upturned noses, fallin' from 'leven angry voices, and the angry jesters from twenty-two scornful hands. Spozein' they all got to weepin' on his shoulder at one time how could one shoulder blade stand it under the united weight of 'leven full-sized females, most two ton of 'em, amidst more'n forty-four nervous sobs, for they would naterally gin more'n two apiece. In sickness now, if they wanted to soothe his achin' brow, and of course they would all want to, and have the right to. But how could twenty-two hands rest on that one small fore-top? Sixty-six rubs at the least figger, for if they stroked his forehead at all they would want to stroke it three times apiece, poor creeter! would not delerium ensue instead of sooth? And spozein' they all took it into their heads to hang on his arm with both arms fondly whilst out walkin' by moonlight, how could twenty-two arms be accommodated by two small scrawny elbows?
It couldn't be done. And as I mused on't I spoke right out onbeknown to me, and sez I:
"The Lord never meant it to be so; it hain't reasonable; it's aginst common sense."
And the hull twelve sez, "What didn't the Lord mean? What wuz aginst common sense?"
And bein' ketched at it, I sez, "The Mormon doctrine;" sez I, "to say nothin' on moral and spiritual grounds, and state rights, it's against reason and good sense."
I felt mortified to think I had spoke out loud, but had to stand my ground after I had said it.
But they all said that the Mormon doctrine wuz the true belief, that it wuz writ in heaven, then it wuz engraved on plates, and dug up by Joe Smith, a Latter Day Saint.
Sez I, "If anybody trys to prove sunthin' they want to, they can most always dig up sunthin' to prove it. You say a man dug this plate up; what if some woman should go to diggin' and find a plate provin' that one woman ort to have 'leven husbands?"
"Oh, no!" sez the man in deep scorn, "no such plate could be found!"
The wimmen all looked as if they would kinder like to see such dishes, but they all sez faintly, "We don't spoze that it could be found."
"But," I sez, "you don't know how many plates there are in the ground, nor who'll dig 'em up."
"Oh, that idee is preposterous!" sez the man, as visions of dividin' one woman's heart into eleven parts and reignin' over that little mossel riz up before him. "Men never would agree to that; there would be mutiny, internal bloodshed and sizm."
"Well," sez I, "mebby there is more or less internal heart bleedin' goin' on in the wimmen's hearts that have to divide a man's love and care a dozen times." Sez I, "A hull man's hull affections are onstiddy and wobblin' and oncertain enough without dividin' it up so many times."
Them wimmen wuz touched. I see a answerin' gleam of understandin' come into about twenty-one eyes as I spoke; one on 'em stood firm and looked hauty and cast iron, but I mistrusted it wuz a glass eye, but don't know, it might have been principle.
And even on the man's small-sized countenance my words had seemed to make a impression. But yet he didn't want to give up in a minute; he spoke of how the Mormons had flourished since they come to Utah, how they had turned the desert into a garden, and he felt that the Lord must look on 'em favorable or they wouldn't be so prosperous.
"Yes," sez I, not wantin' to lie, "your country is beautiful, it is in a flourishing state, and shows the good results of systematic labor, industry and ambition; you have made the desert bloom like the rosy, many of your ways and customs might be follered with profit by older communities, and more orthodox accordin' to my idees. But I don't know as your flourishin' in worldly affairs is any sign of God's favor," and I mentioned the scripter concernin' who it wuz that flourished like the green bayberry tree. So bein' driv out of that argument, he sez, forgittin' his own eleven proofs aginst his story bein' true:
"Polygamy is done away with anyway; the United States have abolished it in Utah."
And I sez: "Well, I should be glad to think that wuz so, for one husband and one wife is as much as the Lord in his mercy ort to ask one human creeter to tend to and put up with. Not but what marriage is a beautiful institution and full of happiness if Love props it up and gilds it with its blessed ray. But one is enough," sez I firmly, "and enough is as good as a feast."
Miss Meechim sot silently by durin' this eloquent discussion--what she felt, she that abhorred the institution of marriage anyway--what she felt to look on and see folks so much married as these wuz, will forever remain a secret, but her looks wuz queer, very, and her nose fairly sought the heavens, it wuz held so high. A few of the wives brought in some refreshments to refresh us, and a few more waited on us and the small husband of their eleven hearts, and almost immegiately we tore ourselves away, takin' in ourn as we left, the hand of the husband and the eleven right hands of the wife.
That evenin' I wuz told I wuz wanted in the parlor, and as I entered quite a good lookin' Mormon man got up and advanced and broke out to once askin' my help. He said he'd read in the paper that I wuz there to that tarven, and knowin' I stood so high with the public he had ventered to ask my help. He had political yearnin's and wanted to set in the Senate, but as I stood firm as iron again that idee his linement grew almost frenzied, and sez he:
"Do help me, do use your influence with your President. He's afraid of race suicide; tell him I'm the father of forty-seven children--will not that touch his heart?"
"Not a mite!" sez I, "his heart is as true as steel to his one wife and six children. It is a good manly heart that can't be led off by any such brazen statements."
His linement looked lurid and half demented as he sez, "Mebby some high church dignitaries would help me. Or no," sez he, "go to the head of it all, go to the Liquor Power--that's the place to go to, that rules Church and State, that makes the laws. Oh, do go to the Liquor Power, and git it to let me set. I'll pay their usual price for makin' personal laws in a man's favor."
The cold glare in my gray eye froze the words on his lip. "You ask me to go to the Liquor Power for help! Do you know who you're speakin' to?"
"Yes," sez he feebly, "I'm speakin' to Josiah Allen's wife, and I want to set."
His axent wuz heartbroken and I fancied that there wuz a little tone of repentance in it. Could I influence him for the right? Could I frighten him into the right path? I felt I must try, and I sez in a low, deep voice:
"I'll help you to set if you'll set where I want you to."
"Oh, tell me! tell me," sez he, "where you want me to set."
"Not in the high halls where justice is administered, not up there with the pictures of your numerous wives on your heart to make laws condemnin' a man who has only one extra wife to prison for twenty years, which same law would condemn you to prison for 'most a century. That wouldn't be reasonable. Presidents and senators are sot up there in Washington D. C. as examplers for the young to foller and stimulate 'em to go and do likewise. Such a example as yourn would stimulate 'em too much in matrimonial directions and land 'em in prison."
He muttered sunthin' about lots of public men havin' other wives in secret.
"In secret?" sez I. "Well, mebby so, but it has to be in secret, hid away, wropped in disgrace, and if the law discovers it they are punished. That's a very different thing from makin' such a life respectable, coverin' 'em under the mantilly of the law, embroidered too with public honors."
He turned away despairin'ly and murmured mekanically the old heart-broken wail, "I want to set."
And I sez reasonably, "There is no objection to your settin' down, and if I had my way you would set right by them who have done only half or a quarter what you have and in the place the laws have made for them and you."
He turned quick as a wink, "Then you won't help me?"
"Yes," sez I, "I'll help all I can to put you right in with the others that have done jest what you have--openly set our laws at defiance. But if I know myself I won't help a tiger cat to hold a canary bird or a wolf to guard a sheep pen. I won't help a felon up on the seat of justice to make laws for innocent men."
"Innocent men!" And agin he sez, "Ha! ha!"
And agin I didn't care what he said. And I got up and sez, "You may as well leave the presence." And as he turned I sez in conclusion, thinkin' mebby I'd been too hash, "I dare say you have intellect and may be a good man so fur as I know only in this one iniquity and open defiance of our laws, and I advise you to turn right round in your tracks and git ready to set down on high, for you'll find it a much worse thing to prance round through all eternity without settin' than it is to not set here."
He jest marched out of the door and didn't say good bye or good day or anything. But I didn't care. I knowed the minute his card wuz handed to me jest how many wives he had and how he wuz doin' all he could to uphold what he called his religion, but I did hope I'd done him some good but felt dubersome about it. But knowin' I'd clung to Duty's apron strings I felt like leavin' the event. And when Miss Meechim come in I wuz settin' calm and serene in a big chair windin' some clouded blue and white yarn, Aronette holdin' the skein. I'd brung along a lot of woollen yarn to knit Josiah some socks on the way, to make me feel more homelike.
