Comic History of the United States 1 – Nye · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Comic History of the United States 1Preface
18
Literature · Humor
Comic History of the United States 1
Preface
NyeEnglish
PREFACE
Facts in a nude state are not liable criminally, any more than bright and beautiful children commit a felony by being born thus; but it is the solemn duty of those having these children in charge to put appropriate, healthful, and even attractive apparel upon them at the earliest possible moment.
It is thus with facts. They are the frame-work of history, not the drapery. They are like the cold, hard, dishevelled, damp, and uncomfortable body under the knife of the demonstrator, not the bright and bounding boy, clothed in graceful garments and filled to every tingling capillary with a soul.
We, each of us, the artist and the author, respect facts. We have never, either of us, said an unkind word regarding facts. But we believe that they should not be placed before the public exactly as they were born. We want to see them embellished and beautified. That is why this history is written.
Certain facts have come into the possession of the artist and author of this book regarding the history of the Republic down to the present day. We find, upon looking over the records and documents on file in the various archives of state and nation, that they are absolutely beyond question, and it is our object to give these truthfully. These rough and untidy, but impregnable truths, dressed in the sweet persuasive language of the author, and fluted, embossed, embroidered, and embellished by the skilful hand of the artist, are now before you.
History is but the record of the public and official acts of human beings. It is our object, therefore, to humanize our history and deal with people past and present; people who ate and possibly drank; people who were born, flourished, and died; not grave tragedians, posing perpetually for their photographs.
If we succeed in this way, and administer historical truth in the smooth capsule of the cartoonist and the commentator, we are content. If not, we know whose fault it will be, but will not get mad and swear about it.
BILL NYE.
FRED'K B. OPPER.
THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA 13
OTHER DISCOVERIES--WET AND DRY 23
THE THIRTEEN ORIGINAL COLONIES 36
THE PLYMOUTH COLONY 47
DRAWBACKS OF BEING A COLONIST 55
THE EPISODE OF THE CHARTER OAK 62
THE DISCOVERY OF NEW YORK 72
THE DUTCH AT NEW AMSTERDAM 82
SETTLEMENT OF THE MIDDLE STATES 92
THE EARLY ARISTOCRACY 102
INTERCOLONIAL AND INDIAN WARS 110
PERSONALITY OF WASHINGTON 124
CONTRASTS WITH THE PRESENT DAY 131
THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR 142
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, LL.D., PHG, F.R.S., ETC. 152
THE CRITICAL PERIOD 160
THE BEGINNING OF THE END 170
THE CLOSE OF THE REVOLUTION 181
THE FIRST PRESIDENT 191
THE WAR WITH CANADA 203
THE ADVANCE OF THE REPUBLIC 212
MORE DIFFICULTIES STRAIGHTENED OUT 222
THE WEBSTERS 233
BEFO' THE WAH--CAUSES WHICH LED TO IT--MASTERLY GRASP OF THE SUBJECT SHOWN BY THE AUTHOR 243
BULL RUN AND OTHER BATTLES 252
SOME MORE FRATRICIDAL STRIFE 263
STILL MORE FRATERNAL BLOODSHED, ON PRINCIPLE--OUTING FEATURES DISAPPEAR, AND GIVE PLACE TO STRAINED RELATIONS BETWEEN COMBATANTS, WHO BEGIN TO MIX THINGS 274
LAST YEAR OF THE DISAGREEABLE WAR 284
TOO MUCH LIBERTY IN PLACES AND NOT ENOUGH ELSEWHERE.--THOUGHTS
ON THE LATE WAR--WHO IS THE BIGGER ASS,
THE MAN WHO WILL NOT FORGIVE AND FORGET, OR THE
MAWKISH AND MOIST EYED SNIVELLER WHO WANTS TO DO
THAT ALL THE TIME? 297
RECONSTRUCTION WITHOUT PAIN--ADMINISTRATIONS OF JOHNSON AND GRANT 305
