Two heads are better than one--particularly on a Barrel of Money.
LACE Among women, lace means lesson; wherefore they combine art and thrift by lessening the waist.
LACONIC Shy on words. From Eng. lack, meaning want, and connection; want of connection.
LAMP A light.
LAMPONED To be lighted on.
LARD Fat.
LARDER A fattener.
LARK A short, sweet spree enjoyed by night hawks. Also, an early rising singing-bird. (Dist. bet. "out on a lark," and "up with the lark," an impossible combination).
LASSIE One of the weaker sex.
LASSITUDE Slightly weaker.
LAUD Praise for the Almighty.
LAUDANUM Prays for himself--after taking.
LAUNDRY A place where clothes are mangled.
LAUGH A peculiar contortion of the human countenance, voluntary or involuntary, superinduced by a concatenation of external circumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous, ludicrous, jocose, mirthful, funny, facetious or fanciful nature and accompanied by a cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachinnation, giggle gurgle, guffaw or roar.
LAWYER One who defends your estate against an enemy, in order to appropriate it to himself.
LECTURE An entertainment at which it costs but little to look intelligent.
LEGISLATURE
From Lat. lego, to bring together, and latro, to bark or bluster; possibly from lex, law, and latens, unknown. Hence, a company of men brought together to bluster, or a company of law makers who know nothing about law.
LEISURE From Eng., lazy, and sure; assured laziness.
LENT A Church fast that is slow to go; or something loaned which is slow to come back.
LIE A very poor substitute for the truth but the only one discovered up to date.
LIMBURGER A native of Germany strong enough to do housework; well recommended for cleaning out the dining-room.
LIBRARY From Fr. libre, meaning free, and proper name ANDY. Something free from Andy Carnegie.
LINKS Found in sausages and golf courses, and both full of hazards.
LION A cruel beast who never patronizes the barber and is always bearded in his den, yet will furnish a close shave if you get near enough.
LOBSTER
The edible lobster is found off the New England Coast. The two-legged species is found everywhere. All kinds are green, but when roasted turn a bright red. Soubrettes are very dependent on both varieties for a living; together they furnish her with food, raiment, flats, diamonds, and occasionally indigestion.
LOBSTER-NEWBURG A dish ordered at hotels by those who usually get beans at home.
LOVE A man's insane desire to become a woman's meal-ticket.
LOVER An ardent admirer who says, "Yes, dearest, I will shovel the snow of the lake so that we can go skating!" and, after marriage remarks, "What! Shovel the snow off the walk for you? Well, I should say not! I'm no chore boy."
Hell is paved with good intentions--also asbestos.
M
A fool and his wife are soon parted.
See Alimony.
MAGAZINE A receptacle for explosives, literary or mechanical.
MAGNATE One who can float capital in a considerable body of water. From Lat. magnus, great, and nator, to swim; a great swimmer.
MAIDEN LADY A term applied to an old maid by those who wish to avoid hurting her feelings.
MALT A humble grain which often gets into a ferment, cools off and becomes Stout in its old age.
MAN Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!"
MAN-ABOUT-TOWN One who is on speaking terms with the head waiter.
MANICURE The only woman who can beat a carpenter at soaking nails.
MANNERS A difficult symphony in the key of B natural.
MARK In Germany, twenty-three cents. In the United States, only Twain.
MASCULINE From Grk. maskos, girl, and eukolos, easy. Easy for the girls.
MASSAGE A touch, with intent to rub it in.
MATRIMONY A game for women, in which the unmarried half are trying to find a husband and the married half trying not to be found out by one. Both halves are eminently successful.
MEAL According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of crumbs entirely surrounded by booze.
MEDIUM A party with one ear in the grave but both hands on your wallet. "Hello, Central! Give me Heaven!"
MELODEON An alleged musical instrument, popular at home, but unpopular next door. From Eng. melody, and Latin, un, without. Warranted without melody.
MENAGERIE From Fr. melange, mixture, and Ger. riechen, to smell. A mixture of smells.
MESSENGER BOY From Eng. miss, to fail, and Lat. engeo, to arrive. One who fails to arrive.
METER The gas man's trysting place. "Meet her in the cellar!"
MIND No matter. MATTER Never mind.
MINE A hole in the ground owned by a liar.
MINSTREL A footlight foul that makes its nightly lay in every city.
MIRACLE A woman who won't talk.
MIST Generally, a small, light rain. SCOTCH MIST A cloudburst.
MITTEN Something a tender-hearted girl gives a young man when she knows she is going to make it chilly for him.
MONEY Society's vindication of vulgarity.
MONOPOLY A modern device for impoverishing others. From Grk. monux, swift-footed, and polloi, the people. A swift kick for the people.
MOON The only lighting monopoly that never made money.
MORTGAGE From Fr. mort, death, and Eng. gag, to choke. A lawyer's invention for choking property to death.
MOSQUITO A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies.
MOTH An unfortunate acquaintance who is always in the hole. And the only ones who try to get him out are his enemies.
MOUSE
The frequent cause of a rise in cotton.
All gone to 6's and 7's--Ladies' Footwear in Chicago.
N
Time and tide wait for no man--But time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
NATURE The author of "The Seasons," an interesting work over which Spring pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns the leaves while Winter catches the drift of it all.
NECK A close connection between chin and chest, used for the display of linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet, windpipe, hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber industry.
NEGRO One who votes your way. NIGGER One who doesn't.
NEIGHBOR One who knows more about your affairs than yourself.
NERVE
Breaking the hair-brush on the disobedient scion, then making him pay for a new one. See revised version, "Spare the rod and spoil the hair-brush!"
"=NEXT=" The barberous password to the heaven of the shaved and the unshaved.
NIP Something bracing from without or within When felt in the air, it's a frost. When found in a glass, a life saver.
NOBILITY A gang of foreign brigands having abducent designs on the American Damsel and the American Dollar.
NON-CONDUCTOR The motorman.
NOSE A prominent member of the face family, usually a Greek or Roman, who owns the shortest bridge in the world. He is often stuck up in company, but frequently blows himself when he has his grippe. Principal occupations, sniffling, snivelling, sneezing, snorting and scenting, intruding in the neighbors' affairs, stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for others.
NOTE (=PROMISSORY=) "The substance of things long hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
NOVEL A fabric that is often (k)nit in print, though the yarn be well spun.
NURSE
One who keeps setting up the drinks after you're all in.
Out of the frying-pan into the face--Mothers' doughnuts.
O
Many hands make light work--also a good Jackpot.
OAR
A popular device for catching crabs.
OATS England's horse-feed, America's breakfast and Scotland's table-d'hote.
OATH A form of speech that has many trials in court, but is never tried in Sunday School.
OBESITY
A surplus gone to waist.
OCEAN An old toper who is always soaked, has many a hard night along the coast, floats many a schooner, lashes himself into a fury because so frequently crossed, and has his barks in every port. At sea, the king of the elements; on shore, a mere surf.
OLEOMARGARINE The White Bread's Burden. From Eng. olio, a mixture, and Grk. margino, to be furious. A furious mixture.
OMNIBUS A test for Patience, still popular in England. From Grk. oneiros, dream, and baino, to go or move. A dream of motion.
ONION The all-round strength champion of the Vegetable Kingdom, garlic and cabbage being close rivals.
OPERA A drama that has taken on airs and refuses to speak, yet always sings its own praises. GRAND OPERA An excuse for displaying several boxes of jewelry and peaches with pedigrees.
OPINION The prodigal son of Thought. PUBLIC OPINION The world's champion pugilist, who has knocked out Law in many a hard fought bout.
OPIUM The real author of "The Dream Book."
OPTIMISM A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea-kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.
ORCHARD The small boy's Eden of today, in which the apple again occasions the fall.
OSTRICH The largest and heaviest bird on earth, yet rated by his owners only as a featherweight.
OUTSKIRTS The only garments which clothe many a metropolis with decency.
OVEN The only sport who enjoys an equally hot time with or without the dough.
Handsome is what hansoms charge.
P
Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick.
PAIN A sensation experienced on receiving a Punch, particularly the London one.
PALMISTRY A plausible excuse for holding hands.
PANTS Trousers' Country Cousins.
PARACHUTE
A successful method for getting the drop on the Earth.
PARAGON The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she mistakenly married.
PARENTS One of the hardships of a minor's life.
PASS A form of transportation issued free to those who are quite able to pay.
PASSENGER One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym for Deadhead). From Eng. pass, to go, and Grk. endidomi, to give up. One who has to give up to go.
PARROT An individual who can never be held responsible for what he says.
PASTRY A deadly weapon carried by cafes, cooks and newly married housekeepers.
PATRIOT One who is willing to take all of Uncle Sam's bonds in a lump.
PAWN
v. t., To keep property in the family by leaving it all with your Uncle.
PAWNBROKER A mercenary man to whom money is the one redeeming quality.
PEACE A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently reported from the Phillipines.
PEACH A popular synonym for Fair Woman, probably because the peach is largely a skin and stony at heart.
PEARL A small round product manufactured by an oyster, bought by a lobster and worn by a butterfly.
PENITENT From pen, meaning to write, and intent, meaning determination. One who determines for the right.
PESSIMIST One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.
PHILISTINE In Bible times, one who worried the children of Israel; today, one who worries only himself. From Grk. phloios, bark, and tino, to punish. One who barks to punish.
PHILANTHROPIST One who returns to the people publicly a small percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately.
PHILOSOPHER One who instead of crying over spilt milk consoles himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.
PHILOSOPHY Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor.
PIANO A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.
PIN The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance--of remarkable penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows its own bent and carries its point in whatever it undertakes.
PING-PONG A game invented for the benefit of furniture and crockery dealers.
PITY An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the children of a woman who might have married him instead.
PLATONIC LOVE An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a correct imitation of a pair of icicles--and never succeed.
PLENTY A desirable condition that is likely to step out whenever Extravagance steps in.
PLUM A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree--but only after careful grafting.
PLUMB To ascertain the capacity of.
PLUMBER One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you with a piece of lead and gets away with the money--a process vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."
POLE-CAT A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the pole the better.
POLICEMAN
A never present help in time of trouble.
POLYGAMY A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses.
POLYGLOT A parrot that can swear in several languages.
POSTSCRIPT The only thing readable in a woman's letter.
PRETZEL The bar-keeper's promoter.
PROTECTION Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant, Industry; now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant, Monopoly.
PRO and CON Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example,
Progress and Congress.
PRUDE A native of Boston.
PRUDENCE A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder from trying to find out how his landlady makes her hash.
PRUDERY A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig does a loss of hair.
PRUNE A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house veteran and the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved.
PUGILIST A close-fisted party who is often roped in but never gives up till he's out.
PULLMAN PORTER A legalized train-robber.
PUNCH A weekly obituary notice from London, chronicling the death of Humor.
Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill--Try gold, silver, copper or radium--there's more in it.
Q
Charity begins at home--but ends when you reach The Cook.
QUACK The Duck family's favorite physician.
QUAIL
v. t., To shrink--a characteristic of the bird when ordered in a restaurant.
QUEEN One entitled to rule a nation, make up a deck, or beat a knave.
QUESTION Is marriage a failure?
QUEUE The only Mongolian line connecting America and China.
QUORUM A clumsy individual, all Ayes and Noes, who is seldom on hand when needed.
Faint heart never won fair lady--but a full purse can always pull the trick.
R
Man proposes, then woman imposes.
RABBIT A small rodent, very similar to a hare, which feeds on grass and burrows in the earth. WELSH RABBIT More like a string, thrives on cheese and burrows in the stomach.
RACE-TRACK An interesting locality, where pools are bought and sold in books and the heat never interferes with the search for the Pole.
RADIUM A radiant radiator, redolent of ranging radial rays of radio-activity, raised to radical rates and regarded as a ruthless rake-off in the reign of riches within the arrayed radius of a raging, raving and raided race.
RAG-TIME Music pulled into many pieces--the invention of a flannel-mouth to which many have cottoned.
RAPID TRANSIT A municipal myth, circulated for the amusement of the long suffering--and slow moving--public.
REFORM In general, a periodic epidemic, starting with marked heat, followed by a high fever, and accompanied by a flow of ink in the newspapers, a discharge of words from the face and a rush of blood to the polls, leaving the victim a chronic invalid until the next campaign. In New York, reform has been confined to a Low attempt at government.
REFORMER One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let the cat out of the bag.
REGISTER
The only autograph album which it costs you money to write in.
REGRETS An excuse for non-attendance at a social function. Occasionally, an expression of sorrow; usually, a paean of praise at deliverance from evil.
RELATIONS A tedious pack of people who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.
RELIGION A cloak used by some persons in this world who will be warm enough without one in the next.
R.E. MORSE A veteran General who commands the largest army in the world.
REPARTEE The sassy habit of talking back.
REPUTATION A personal possession, frequently not discovered until lost.
RESIDENCE A rural locality inhabited annually--for a few hours--by a rich New Yorker or Bostonian.
RESOLUTION A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first day of January and usually broken on the second.
RESORT (=SUMMER=) A place where the tired grow more tired. From Eng. rest, and Grk. orizo, to limit. A place where rest is limited.
REST A trade in which every hobo holds a Union Card for life.
RESTAURANT An institution for the spread of dyspepsia. From Lat. restauro, to repair, and Grk. anti, against. After patronizing, you're "up against repairs."
RHETORIC Language in a dress suit.
RICE An effective field-piece, used for assaulting Chinamen or the newly-married.
ROQUEFORT A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in the first rank.
ROYCROFTER A successful book-maker on the East Aurora turf. From Fr. roi, king, and old Saxon crofter, or grafter. King of Grafters.
RUMOR The long-distance champion of the Human Race--a monster with more tales than an octopus.
RUST Physical dullness.
RUSTIC Mental dullness.
Beggars should never be choosers--though the beggar often chews what he begs.
S
A miss is as good as her smile.
SADDUCEE A person holding skeptical religious views. Hopeless, hence sad you see.
SAILOR A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on shore.
SANDWICH An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.
SAUSAGE An aftermath of the dog-days.
SCAFFOLD A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging.
SCARECROW An operator who repeatedly corners corn, without caws.
SCORCHER A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.
SCULPTOR A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.
SELF-MADE Complimentary term for a respectable crook.
SHAMROCK A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time winner as an "ad." for tea--and Sir T.
SHEPHERD One who depends on a crook for a living.
SHIRT Every man's bosom friend.
SILVER A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential impossibilities.
SINNER A stupid person who gets found out.
SNAP A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger to take the cake.
SNORE An unfavorable report from headquarters.
SOROSIS A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated grounds.
SPAGHETTI A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers. From Lat. spadix, branch, or fork, and gestamen, burden. A burden for the fork.
SPIDER A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops a line by every post.
STARS The greatest astronomers known, having studded the heavens for ages.
STAYS A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming women.
STOCKINGS Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day.
STOCKS An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers. If you win, it's an investment; if you lose, a speculation.
STOVE-PIPE
A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and profanity.
SPRING Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.
SPINSTER An ember from which the sparks have flown.
SUBWAY In Boston, a place where one may enjoy continuous disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, assault and battery, riot and rebellion. These events are allowed by law, and the entry-fee is five cents.
SUCCESS A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in searching for a larger target.
SUMMER An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural cottage and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies and the Iceman.
SUN A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily, operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and tans skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always has a shine.
SYMPATHY
Feeling for others; very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff.
SYNDICATE A conspiracy to extend the modest business established by Captain Kidd.
Fortune knocks only once at a man's door--And she's the worst Knocker in the world.
T
Brevity is the soul of wit--and the sole charm of of a bicycle skirt.
TAILOR One who takes your measure on first sight, gives you a fit, sews you up and follows suit until paid.
TALK A continuous performance playing daily and nightly engagements, with Woman as the star and Man confined in the Family Circle.
TELEGRAM
A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and carried by a boy in sleep.
TELEPHONE From Eng. tell, to talk, and Grk. phonos, murder. A machine in which talk is murdered.
TENNIS A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on the side and raise the deuce over a net, while the volleys drive them from set to set and love scores as often as it's mentioned.
TEMPER A quality, the loss of which is likely to make a knife blade dull and a woman's tongue sharp.
THERMOMETER
A short, glass tube that regulates the weather--and usually does a poor job.
THIRST A sensation immediately following a short session at the free lunch stand.
TIDE An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in whenever he gets over the bay.
TITIAN The color a poor red-headed girl's hair becomes as soon as her father strikes oil.
TIPS Wages we pay other people's hired help.
TOBACCO A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two creatures; a large, green worm and--man. The worm doesn't know any better.
TONGUE An unruly member that is frequently put out, yet an artist who's a hard worker at the palate and a great wag among women.
TOUCH A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its victim a feeling of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of loss.
TRANSFER A small bit of paper of remarkable strength, being able to carry a heavy man several miles.
TROLLEY-CAR A conveyance filled with advertisements, and occasionally passengers, and operated by Poles.
TROUBLE Something that many are looking for but no one wants.
TRUST A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water.
TWINS Insult added to Injury.
TWISTERS
An undesirable thing to have on hand.
It's a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone.
U V
There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to Fortune--But most of us catch our watered stock on the ebb.
UMBRELLA A good thing to put up in a shower--or pawn-shop; but, like skating, never seen after Lent.
UNBOSOMED
A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.
UNION An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and liable to strike without warning.
UMPIRE No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.
USHER One who takes a leading part in a theatre.
VACCINATION Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.
VAUDEVILLE From Lat. vaut, good for, and villageois, countryman. Good for countrymen.
VERANDA
An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.
VEST A waistcoat sold at halfprice.
VIRTUE A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence, but rarely with beauty.
VULGARITY The conduct of others.
A rolling stone gathers no moss--except at roulette.
W
But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare.
WAITER An Inn-experienced servant.
WAR A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned in a small way, would produce only murderers.
WATER A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak buyers.
WEDDING A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and the groom is often sold.
WEEDS Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily, marry the widow.
WICKEDNESS A myth invented by good people to account for the singular attractiveness of others.
WIDOW The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she golfs, too. In that event the children are golf orphans.
WHISKY Trouble put up in liquid form.
WIND An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral agitation of the nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold), impelled into transitory activity, generates a prolonged passage through space, owing to certain occult ethereal stimuli, and results in zephyrs, breezes, blows, blow-outs, blizzards, gales, simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons. Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but frequently blended with Chicago tongue--canned or conversational.
WOMAN An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still slightly flattened at the polls.
WORD Something you must keep after giving it to another.
WORRY A state of mind that leads some persons to fear, every time the tide goes out, that it won't come in again.
WRINKLES A merchant's trade-marks.
It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.
X Y Z
A Ride goeth before a Fall.-- See Automobile, Bucking Broncho, Bicycle, Air-Ship, Patrol-Wagon, Rail, and Go-Cart.
X RAYS
Ten dollars from a friend.
YARN An essential in fabrication--either woven or narrated. Mill yarns are highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.
YAWL Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but never a cat-boat.
YAWNS The air-breaks on a sleeper.
YEAR A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the other 40 are Lent.
YELLOW FEVER A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers.
YOLK The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay.
YOKE The inheritance of the hen-pecked and the burden of the married.
YULE-LOG A Christmas protege of the grate, too young to smoke, too tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody.
YOUTH The dynamo that makes the world go round; a product of its own generation, with its wires carrying Power into the high places of Earth and with its currents of Thought short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.
ZEALOT One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to maintain it.
ZEBRA The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes for life.
ZERO Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a thermometer or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the 400.
ZIGZAG The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage, "The longest way round is the drunkard's way home!"
ZOUAVE
The original Mrs. Bloomer.
Postage and Postal Information.
How to Mail a Letter.
After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope--round ones are no longer fashionable--seal it on the back and write a legible address on the front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a good licking and retire it to the corner--the upper, right-hand corner, on the outside--never inside, as the postmaster is not a clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter-box and trust to luck. If it's a love letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a faithful postman and carries a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill, by all means have it registered; otherwise, your debtor will swear he never got it. If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post-office warning, "Don't send money through the mails." Wait until you happen to meet him on the street. If he sees you first, you lose.
First-class Matter.
Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress read, and therefore seal up, is known as first-class matter. Also, postal cards, where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If you think your letter should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a Special Delivery Stamp. This will insure a nice, leisurely journey, lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap two-cent route.
Second-class Matter.
This class was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine Mixers, who print circulars on "What Ails You" four times a year, and pepper the land with "Before-and-after-taking" caricatures, at the rate of one cent a pound.
Third-class Matter.
While the quack nostrums travel second-class for one cent a pound, books, engravings, manuscript copy, and works of art have to go third-class and are taxed one cent for every two ounces. They must also be left open for inspection, thus affording the post-office employee a fleeting acquaintance with something really useful.
Fourth-class Matter.
Everything not included in the above, except poisons, explosives, live animals, insects, inflammable articles, and things giving off a bad odor. The last two do not include The Police Gazette or The Philistine.
A Few Mythological and Classical Names.
Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor.
ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, who did a general slaughtering business in Troy in 1180 B.C., but was finally pinked in the heel--his only vulnerable spot--and died.
Long life often depends on being well heeled.
ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved by Venus and killed by a boar.
Bores have been the death of us ever since.
BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied the Gods with nectar, the beer that made Olympus famous.
=Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens if "Bacchus is willin'."=
CASTOR AND POLLUX. Two clever sports and twin brothers from Greece, Castor being a horse-trainer and Pollux a pugilist, whose sister, Helen, a respectable, married woman, disgraced the family by eloping with Paris.
=Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight, it's no sign he can manage a woman.=
CERBERUS. A dog with three heads, a serpent's tail and several snakes around his neck, who guarded the main entrance to Hades.
=When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three, it's a cinch he's not far from Hell.=
CHARON. The gloomy gondolier of the Styx, who carried the dead to the Other World--if they paid him first.
=And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his fare in advance.=
CUPID. The son of Venus and the God of Love, who with bow and arrows punctured men's bosoms with the darts of admiration.
=But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with a snug bathing suit or a decollette gown.=
DAEDALUS. The original Santos Dumont, who invented and successfully operated a flying-machine that would fly. His son, Icarus, tried the trick, went too high and fell into the sea.
A flier frequently precedes a fall--especially in Wall Street.
DIANA. The goddess of the chase; unmarried.
=And this is very fitting. May the chase always be for the unmarried only!=
HERCULES. The Gritty Greek (no relation to the Terrible Turk), an independent laborer, who always had a good job awaiting him.
=It is interesting to recall the days when non-union labor had all the work it wanted.=
IXION. A king of Thessaly, who for his sins was broken on a wheel.
And men have been going broke on "the wheel" ever since.
LOTUS EATERS. A gang of ancient vegetarians, who chewed leaves and went to sleep.
=Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers, who chew the rag and keep awake.=
MERCURY. A celestial messenger-boy, who wore wings on his shoes and knew how "to get there" in a hurry.
=Now they all wear hobbles, and never exceed the speed limit in a public thoroughfare.=
MIDAS. A Greek king, who had the power of turning into gold all that he touched.
=That's nothing! There are plenty of men to-day who always get gold whoever they touch.=
SAPPHO. A love-lorn poetess, who, failing to win the man she first loved, cured herself by jumping into the Mediterranean.
=She probably acted on the old advice, "There's plenty more fish in the sea!"=
TANTALUS. A proud king, who suffered in Hades the agonies of hunger and thirst, with food and drink always in sight, but always beyond reach.
=Here on earth, the 50-cent table d'hote accomplishes the same result--besides costing you the fifty.=
TROY. An ancient, oriental city, which took in a wooden horse and saw the domestic finish of Helen and Paris.
=Do not confuse with Troy, N.Y., where they only take in washing and provide a domestic finish for collars and shirts.=
VULCAN. The Olympian blacksmith, who always had his hammer with him.
But not all who carry hammers are blacksmiths.
Legal and Local Holidays in the United States.
JANUARY 1, New Year's Day. On this day the Flowing Bowl is filled--and emptied--and the Genial Palm circulated in forty-three States and Territories out of forty-nine. In Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Arkansas, Oklahoma and the Indian Territory there is no celebration. The natives are too busy collecting good resolutions and bad bills.
FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday. (George, not Booker), is remembered by thirty-eight of the States. On this day, in the public schools, are shown pictures of George Chopping the Cherry Tree and Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust, Valley Forge in Winter, and Mt. Vernon on a Busy Day. The Pride of the Class recites Washington's "Farewell to the Army," Minnie the Spieler belabors the piano with the "Washington Post March," and the scholars all eat Washington Pie, made of "Columbia, the Jam of the Ocean."
MARCH 17, St. Patrick's Day and Evacuation Day, when the British redcoats got out of Boston and Patrick evicted the snakes from Ireland. For observing the day, wear a turkey-red coat, or vest, and put a bit of green ribbon, or a shamrock, in the buttonhole--the green above the red. On Easter day, wear a scrambled egg in the same place.
APRIL 19, Patriot's Day. A New England successor to FAST DAY--the slowest day of the year. Originally invented for Fasting and Prayer. Now used exclusively for opening the Baseball Season, Locating a Seashore Home for the Summer, and watching Red-Shirted Diogenes at his Tub.
Little drops of water,
Little lines of hose,
Make the mighty Muster
As ev'ry Laddie knows.
MAY 1, Moving Day. Observed everywhere by The Restless Tenant.
APRIL 26 } { In "Dixie"
MAY 30 } Memorial Days { In the North
A Symphony in Blue and Gray.
JUNE 17, Bunker Hill Day. Celebrated in Boston, Mass., by a procession of the Ancient and Horrible Distillery Company, a few of the City Fathers in hacks, a picked bunch of Navy Yard sailors and occasionally a few samples from a Wild West Show. For 24 hours, pistols and firecrackers are allowed to mutilate Young America ad lib.
JULY 4, Independence Day. A national holiday, invented for the benefit of popcorn and peanut promoters; tin horn and toy-balloon vendors; lemonade chemists; dealers in explosives; physicians and surgeons. A grand chance for the citizen-soldier to hear the roar of battle, smell powder, shoot the neighbor's cat, and lose a night's rest--or a finger.
LABOR DAY, First Monday in September. The only day when labor works overtime. An occasion when the workingman takes a cane in place of a dinner-pail and proudly tramps the streets behind a real silk banner and a Hod Carrier on a Cart Horse.
THANKSGIVING DAY (Last Thursday in November). A day devoted to the annual division of Turkey--with Greece on the side--by the Hung'ry folks.
DECEMBER 25, Christmas Day. Another national holiday, marked by the following observances: Filling the young and helpless with a lot of fiction about Santa Claus, the old chimney fakir, who went up the flue long ago; making a clothesline of the mantelpiece and robbing the forest of its young; swapping several things we'd like to keep for a lot of stuff we don't want; and, finally, putting on in church a Sunday night performance of light opera, known as "The Sabbath School Concert."
+-----------------------------------------------------------+ | Typographical errors corrected in text: | | | | In the main dictionary section: | | under ANCESTORS: parodox corrected to paradox | | section title AUTOMBILIST corrected to AUTOMOBILIST | | under BABY: noctural corrected to nocturnal | | under DANCE: physicial corrected to physical | | under ENTHUSIAST: belives corrected to believes | | section title PHILOSPHER corrected to PHILOSOPHER | | under PIANO: freguently corrected to frequently | | under SADDUCEE: religous corrected to religious | | under STOVE-PIPE: recepatcle corrected to receptacle | | under SUN: developes corrected to develops | | under WAR: planed corrected to planned | | | | In the section after the dictionary: | | section title CASTOR AND POLLOX corrected to | | CASTOR AND POLLUX | | | +-----------------------------------------------------------+
