The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 3 – Lemon · Verses Across
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The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 3The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 3)
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 3
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 3)
LemonEnglish
CCCXXVI.--STONE BLIND.
LORD BYRON'S valet (Mr. Fletcher) grievously excited his master's ire by observing, while Byron was examining the remains of Athens, "La me, my lord, what capital mantelpieces that marble would make in England!"
CCCXXVII.--AGREEABLE AND NOT COMPLIMENTARY.
IN King William's time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of Nottingham on suspicion of having treasonable papers in his possession. "I am only a poet," said the captive, "and those papers are my roughly-sketched play." The Earl examined the papers, however, and then returned them, saying, "I have heard your statement and read your play, and as I can find no trace of a plot in either, you may go free."
CCCXXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON WITHOUT VARIATION.
DR. JOHNSON was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up the divisions and sub-divisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how extremely difficult it was. "Difficult, do you call it, sir?" replied the doctor; "I wish it were impossible."
CCCXXIX.--MR. CANNING'S PARASITES.
NATURE descends down to infinite smallness. Mr. Canning has his parasites; and if you take a large buzzing blue-bottle fly, and look at it in a microscope, you may see twenty or thirty little ugly insects crawling about it, which doubtless think their fly to be the bluest, grandest, merriest, most important animal in the universe, and are convinced that the world would be at an end if it ceased to buzz.--S.S.
CCCXXX.--PLEASANT DESERTS.
A CERTAIN physician was so fond of administering medicine, that, seeing all the phials and pill-boxes of his patient completely emptied, and ranged in order on the table, he said, "Ah, sir, it gives me pleasure to attend you,--you deserve to be ill."
CCCXXXI.--A HOME ARGUMENT.
BY one decisive argument
Tom gained his lovely Kate's consent,
To fix the bridal day.
"Why in such haste, dear Tom, to wed?
I shall not change my mind," she said.
"But then," says he, "I may."
CCCXXXII.--A BAD PEN.
"NATURE has written 'honest man' on his face," said a friend to Jerrold, speaking of a person in whom Jerrold's faith was not altogether blind. "Humph!" Jerrold replied, "then the pen must have been a very bad one."
CCCXXXIII.--WIGNELL THE ACTOR.
ONE of old Mr. Sheridan's favorite characters was Cato: and on its revival at Covent Garden Theatre, a Mr. Wignell assumed his old-established part of Portius; and having stepped forward with a prodigious though accustomed strut, began:--
"The dawn is overcast; the morning lowers,
And heavily, in clouds, brings on the day."
The audience upon this began to vociferate "Prologue! prologue! prologue!" when Wignell, finding them resolute, without betraying any emotion, pause, or change in his voice and manner, proceeded as if it were part of the play:--
"Ladies and gentlemen, there has been no
Prologue spoken to this play these twenty years--
The great, the important day, big with the fate
Of Cato and of Rome."
This wonderful effusion put the audience in good humor: they laughed immoderately, clapped, and shouted "Bravo!" and Wignell still continued with his usual composure and stateliness.
CCCXXXIV.--CANDOR.
A NOTORIOUS egotist, indirectly praising himself for a number of good qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain enough," said Macklin; "impudence,--nothing but stark-staring impudence!"
CCCXXXV.--A "COLD" COMPLIMENT.
A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments, complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head. "No wonder," returned the doctor; "you always go out without anything in it."
CCCXXXVI.--READY REPLY.
THE grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green, when, in obedience to the calls of his appetite, he went to hall to dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for invading the rights of his superiors, and for that purpose he threw up the sash at which he was sitting, and called to the student,--"Sir, I never look out of my window but I see you walking across the grass-plot". "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk across the grass-plot, but I see you looking out of your window." The master, pleased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window, convulsed with laughter.
CCCXXXVII.--FULL PROOF.
LORD PETERBOROUGH was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be roughly treated, said,--"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only five guineas in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and acclamations.
CCCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.
IN merry Old England it once was the rule,
The king had his poet and also his fool;
But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it,
That Cibber can serve both for fool and for poet.
CCCXXXIX.--A PROPHECY.
CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why," answered the comedian, "he is going to draw houses, like his father."
CCCXL.--A FIXTURE.
DR. ROGER LONG, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily, "Get out of the way, boy."--"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously, "is a post-boy, who never turns out of the way for anybody."
CCCXLI.--FAMILY PRIDE.
A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato. John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist twa in the dish, and they maun be keepit for the strangers."
CCCXLII.--EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.
THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: "What was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?" Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen feet." Witness: "Sixteen feet! Did I say sixteen feet?" Counsel: "You did." Witness: "If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet!--you don't catch me crossing myself!"
CCCXLIII.--WAY OF THE WORLD.
DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend
To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;
Should his differ from ours on any pretence,
We pity his want both of judgment and sense;
But if he falls into and flatters our plan,
Why, really we think him a sensible man.
CCCXLIV.--A BROAD-SHEET HINT.
IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning to spell are requested to use yesterday's paper."
CCCXLV.--MODEST MERIT.
A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was "the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part. "Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you were the worst actor in the world."--"True," replied the other, "but then I had not seen you."
CCCXLVI.--SOFT, VERY!
SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester road, "Lord M----ms has the softest lips in the universe.--PHILLIS." Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,--
"Then as like as two chips
Are his head and his lips.--AMARILLIS."
CCCXLVII.--CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.
CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam, observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of drowning, "What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being introduced to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on, leaving the poor fellow to his fate.
CCCXLVIII.--EPIGRAM.
(On interminable harangues.)
YE fates that hold the vital shears,
If ye be troubled with remorse,
And will not cut ----'s thread of life,
Cut then the thread of his discourse.
CCCXLIX.--HALF-WAY.
A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding. "Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the bottom, I'll warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths. "You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"--"Ay," replied the other, "but you are not half-way to the bottom yet."
CCCL.--SELF-KNOWLEDGE.
"----," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he knows nothing.
CCCLI.--TWO OF A TRADE.
WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this season, but he will be robbing Harris (the manager) the next."
CCCLII.--A STRAY SHOT.
AN officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."
CCCLIII.--MILESIAN ADVICE.
"NEVER be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty woman, is to shut his eyes."
CCCLIV.--MR. ABERNETHY.
A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."--"Why then, ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for doing so."
CCCLV.--THE DEBT PAID.
To John I owed great obligation,
But John, unhappily, thought fit
To publish it to all the nation;
Sure John and I are more than quit.
CCCLVI.--EXTREMES MEET.
A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."--"Extremes meet sometimes," said Jerrold.
CCCLVII.--A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.
A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha! becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that you can comprehend."
CCCLVIII.--TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.
GARRICK was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you to write an address to the Birmingham audience."--"Suppose, then," said Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:--
Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel,
Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel--"
"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players off the stage and pull the house down."--"My lord," said Garrick, "what is the use of an address if it does not come home to the business and bosoms of the audience?"
CCCLIX.--A GOOD REASON.
A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to consider that they have nothing else to do."
CCCLX.--FOLLOWING A LEADER.
FRANKLIN, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed, determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest when they were praising you!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained the matter.
CCCLXI.--IDOLATRY.
THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.
CCCLXII.--TWICE RUINED.
"I NEVER was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one."
CCCLXIII.--Q.E.D.
A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of this parish."--"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that be?"--"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the fathers, and consequently I am master of the whole parish."
CCCLXIV.--SHORT STORIES.
SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your book?"--"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird; "but they're unco' short."
CCCLXV.--ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.
IF ancient poets Argus prize,
Who boasted of a hundred eyes,
Sure greater praise to her is due,
Who looks a hundred ways with two.
CCCLXVI.--AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.
FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a black lady of great accomplishments.
CCCLXVII.--DEMOCRATIC VISION.
HORNE TOOKE, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards, replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a king from a knave."
CCCLXVIII.--FISHY, RATHER.
LORD ELLENBOROUGH, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."
CCCLXIX.--LIGHT BREAD.
A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a pound of it weighs only twelve ounces.
CCCLXX.--SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.
THE late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as you my lord,--t-t-t-take me to be."
CCCLXXI.--ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.
AS Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace,
On velvet rests, 'tis said;
Ah! did he seek a softer place,
He'd rest upon his head.
CCCLXXII.--POLITICAL CORRUPTION.
CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then called aloud to his neighbors to witness his dirty elevation.
CCCLXXIII.--A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.
A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly, "Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to take off his hat!"
CCCLXXIV.--A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.
IN a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us a new hat, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!
CCCLXXV.--EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.
FOOTE, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled,
Death took him off, who took off all the world.
CCCLXXVI.--THE ANGRY OCEAN.
"MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what makes the ocean get angry?"--"Because it has been crossed so often, my son."
CCCLXXVII.--BREVITY.
DR. ABERNETHY, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."--"A poultice," quietly answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said, "Better."--"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,--your fee?"--"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I ever saw."
CCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense,
He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;
For from the fact we draw the inference,
He's that which never has been made a peer.
CCCLXXIX.--A BROAD-BRIM HINT.
A QUAKER said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be thy design to hit the little man in the blue jacket, point thine engine three inches lower."
CCCLXXX.--AN ORDER FOR TWO.
AT the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr. Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"--"admit two pounds two."
CCCLXXXI.--EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.
HIS hair so black,--his beard so gray,
'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?
'Tis that his labors always lay,
Less on his brain than on his jaws.
CCCLXXXII.--MARRIAGE.
A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my dear, nobody regrets her loss more than I do."
CCCLXXXIII.--FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.
A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the length of my sermon to-day?"--"No, sir, not at all; nor by the depth either!" The young man was silent.
CCCLXXXIV.--VISIBLE PROOF.
AN Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, exhibited a huge scar on his head, which looked as though it might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.
CCCLXXXV.--SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.
THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by fixing the weathercock in that direction.
CCCLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.
WE every-day bards may "Anonymous" sign:
That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:
Thy writings, where satire and moral unite,
Must bring forth the name of their author to light.
Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth,
The bad own their Edge and the good own their worth.
CCCLXXXVII.--KEEN REPLY.
A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the nightingale, which does not sing after it has made its nest."
CCCLXXXVIII.--A GOOD EXAMPLE.
IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his tongue. There are other speakers in the House (not official) who would show their sagacity by following the example of their President.
CCCLXXXIX.--A CERTAINTY.
A PHYSICIAN passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning, Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument next?"--"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and you are doctoring him; then I keep right on."
CCCXC.--NOMINAL RHYMES.
THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.
IS that dace or perch?
Said Alderman Birch;
I take it for herring,
Said Alderman Perring.
This jack's very good,
Said Alderman Wood;
But its bones might a man slay,
Said Alderman Ansley.
I'll butter what I get,
Said Alderman Heygate.
Give me some stewed carp,
Said Alderman Thorp;
The roe's dry as pith,
Said Aldermen Smith.
Don't cut so far down,
Said Alderman Brown;
But nearer the fin,
Said Alderman Glyn.
I've finished, i'faith, man,
Said Alderman Waithman:
And I too, i'fatkins,
Said Alderman Atkins.
They've crimped this cod drolly,
Said Alderman Scholey;
'T is bruised at the ridges,
Said Alderman Brydges.
Was it caught in a drag? Nay,
Said Alderman Magnay.
'T was brought by two men,
Said Alderman Ven-
ables: Yes, in a box,
Said Alderman Cox.
They care not how fur 'tis,
Said Alderman Curtis;
From air kept, and from sun,
Said Alderman Thompson;
Packed neatly in straw,
Said Alderman Shaw:
In ice got from Gunter,
Said Alderman Hunter.
This ketchup is sour,
Said Alderman Flower;
Then steep it in claret,
Said Alderman Garret.
CCCXCI.--A BROAD HINT.
CHARLES II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the king said, "That's a good stroke for a dean."--"I'll give it the stroke of a bishop if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive rejoinder.
CCCXCII.--VAILS TO SERVANTS.
TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon the subject eight letters to the Duke of N----, supposed to be the Duke of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take silver."--"Don't you, indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then I do."
CCCXCIII.--QUITE TRUE.
AVARICE is criminal poverty.
CCCXCIV.--CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.
"I'm very glad," to E--b--h said
His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,
"That 'tis the outer product of your head,
And not the inner, you commit to paper!"
CCCXCV.--THE POLITE SCHOLAR.
A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every coxcomb the wall." The scholar answered, "But I do, sir;" and so passed by him.
CCCXCVI.--A COOL HAND.
AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear," replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave me for you."
CCCXCVII.--QUID PRO QUO.
A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what you lawyers mean by docking an entail."--"That is very likely," answered the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors never consent to,--suffering a recovery."
CCCXCVIII.--RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.
A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--"Come, my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"--"Voight for my King," answered Hodge, "why, has he fawn out wi' ony body?"
CCCXCIX.--AN ANECDOTE.
E--D--N was asked by one of note,
Why merit he did not promote;
"For this good reason," answered he,
"'Cause merit ne'er promoted me."
CD.--DIDO.
OF this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the man an injury, yet he would read his tragedy to me."
CDI.--EXTREME SIMPLICITY.
A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine, indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was ice in it."
CDII.--NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.
DURING a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out, "Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made wretched in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll summons you, sir!"
CDIII.--AS YOU LIKE IT.
AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when abroad, "because nobody knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, "because everybody knew him."
CDIV.--AN UPRIGHT MAN.
ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine, in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of Bolt upright."
CDV.--THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.
ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you what, I won't say a word about it."
CDVI.--TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.
IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.
CDVII.--ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
(To those in want of employment.)
Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply,
Is always sure to find a vacancy.
CDVIII.--A "DOUBLE TIMES."
A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the Times newspaper was put into the hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal. "Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living in the country,--it is equal to a day's fishing."
CDIX.--PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.
DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well, madam, considering that I have three adversaries."
CDX.--EPIGRAM.
(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.)
YES, in debate we must admit,
His argument is quite profound;
His reasoning's deep, for deuce a bit
Can anybody see the ground.
CDXI.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.
THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:--
Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,
I advise you to give him whatever he axes;
I advise you to give it without any flummery,
For though his name's Winter, his actions are summary.
CDXII.--EPIGRAM.
(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.)
THY speeches are immortal, O my friend,
For he that hears them--hears them to no end.
CDXIII.--A CONSIDERATE SON.
A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you wrong, for the drier you are, the better you will burn."
CDXIV.--DANGEROUSLY WELL.
LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady ---- has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is dangerously well again."
CDXV.--EPIGRAM.
(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)
LET none because of its abundant locks,
Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,
That dandy E--nb----h's "knowledge-box"
Has anything worth larceny within it.
CDXVI.--A NEW SCHOLAR.
A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr. Shakespeare. If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works."
CDXVII.--PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.
JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named Pilgrim, who was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes, exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do; you have put a stop to Pilgrim's Progress!"
CDXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
LIFE is a lottery where we find
That fortune plays full many a prank;
And when poor ---- got his mind,
'Twas fortune made him draw a blank.
CDXIX.--A SUDDEN CHANGE.
ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had hopped a little farther, it would have hopped into the water."
CDXX.--VALUABLE DISCOVERY.
A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned! "How--how--how?" we hear everybody asking. He never run in debt.
CDXXI.--A USEFUL ALLY.
"Cracked China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for you, or else the deuce is in it!
CDXXII.--TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.
CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the better for what I am saying to you!"--"No, ma'am," he answered, "but this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at one ear and went out at the other!"
CDXXIII.--WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.
ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes, as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He sees!"
CDXXIV.--RINGING THE CHANGES.
AT a tavern one night,
Messrs. More, Strange, and Wright
Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:
Says More, "Of us three,
The whole town will agree,
There is only one knave, and that's Strange."
"Yes," says Strange (rather sore),
"I'm sure there's one More,
A most terrible knave and a bite,
Who cheated his mother,
His sister and brother."--
"O yes," replied More, "that is Wright."
CDXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.
A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an attorney, he would have stolen the bowl as well as the ladle."
CDXXVI.--A SMALL GLASS.
THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing Macbeth, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass, saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke; take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you, sir!"--"Not if it was vitriol!" was the rejoinder.
CDXXVII.--DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a young lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day. To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:--
£ s. d.
At top, fish, two herrings 0 0 1
Middle, one ounce and a half of butter,
melted 0 0 0-3/4
Bottom, a mutton chop, divided 0 0 2
On one side, one pound of small potatoes 0 0 0-1/2
On the other side, pickled cabbage 0 0 0-1/2
First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs 0 0 1-1/2
Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a
pudding 0 0 0-1/2
Parsley for garnish 0 0 0-1/4
----------
£0 0 7
--Seven dishes for sevenpence!
CDXXVIII.--AN EMPTY HEAD.
OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."
CDXXIX.--A BAD LABEL.
TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"--"Why?" said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the eight of clubs and take it!"
CDXXX.--"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."
A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah! sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for my own."
CDXXXI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.
ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if classed by moral distinctions.
CDXXXII.--A SILK GOWN.
GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had been enveloped in silk, no spark of patriotism had reached his heart.
CDXXXIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.
EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to be plucked at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T. Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--
"I have heard they plucked geese upon Shelford Fen,
But never till now knew that Shelford plucked men."
CDXXXIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.
ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.
"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass, "that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so good in it."
CDXXXV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.
FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit, "why you should have given him a dinner like this, and poisoned him."
CDXXXVI.--UNREASONABLE.
"TOM," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?"--"Colonel," replied he, "how can you expect all the virtues that adorn the human character for sixpence a-day?"
CDXXXVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.
A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I have bought your horse, what are his faults?"--"I know of no faults that he has, except two," replied the man; "and one is, that he is hard to catch."--"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"--"Ah, sir! that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when you have caught him."
CDXXXVIII.--THE REASON WHY.
A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was, because there was a heavy mortgage on it.
CDXXXIX.--BLOTTING IT OUT.
MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I have given you ink."--"Never--never mind, my boy--never mind," said Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit--of blotting-paper."
CDXL.--CLERICAL WIT.
AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The font is at the other end of the church."--"What do I want with the font?" said the old gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought you had brought this child to be christened."
CDXLI.--A NICE DISTINCTION.
NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings with holes to having them darned:--"A hole," said he, "may be the accident of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but a darn is premeditated poverty."
CDXLII.--WIT AND QUACKERY.
A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here for want?"--"No faith, sir," replied Andrew, "we have enough of that at home."
CDXLIII.--WIT DEFINED.
DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--
"A thousand different shapes wit wears,
Comely in thousand shapes appears;
'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,
Admired with laughter at a feast;
Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,--
The proofs of wit for ever must remain."
CDXLIV.--A VAIN SEARCH.
SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days; the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him, with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week, sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find anything in it."
CDXLV.--A BAD CUSTOMER.
"WE don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of 'em five or six for a penny anywhere else."
CDXLVI.--A REFLECTION.
AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him he could plainly see a rogue in his face. "I never knew till now," said the witness, "that my face was a looking-glass."
CDXLVII.--FOOTE.
AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a foolish scrape about the antiquity of family with another artist, who gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of the argument; your family is not only several thousand years old, but at the same time the most numerous of any on the face of the globe, on the authority of Shakespeare:--
"All the souls that are, were Forfeit once."
CDXLVIII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.
DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
Verdict,--had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.
Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.
CDXLIX.--A BASE ONE.
A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a base 'un," said Jerrold.
CDL.--PROFITABLE JUGGLING.
A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives" with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler. "Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll no turn't into a bawbee again."
CDLI.--PICKPOCKETING.
THE Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a flat."
CDLII.--DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.
WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place, said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman like the knave of clubs, tell him he is particularly wanted." The waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.
CDLIII.--AFFECTATION.
DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.
CDLIV.--WARM FRIENDSHIPS.
SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.
"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner takes them up than he puts them down again."
CDLV.--THEATRICAL MISTAKES.
A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in the season of 1823, in the part of Miss Stirling, in "The Clandestine Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of Betty, who had locked the door of Miss Fanny's room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said, "She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket." Mrs. Davenport, as Mrs. Heidelberg, had previously excited a hearty laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "I protest there's a candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand;" but the mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated, that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke with three rounds of applause.
CDLVI.--A BROKEN HEAD.
"I AM the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders like a pair of epaulettes. That was a broken head, if you please, sir."
CDLVII.--CALEDONIAN COMFORT.
TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their quarters for the night at a Highland hotel in Breadalbane: one of them next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the bugs, for de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"
CDLVIII.--AN ODD FAMILY.
BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be hereditary in their family to have no children."
CDLIX.--A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.
COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, "If any man were to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in defending my coat I should too late find that I was deprived of my waistcoat also."
CDLX.--BEN JONSON.
WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of fish, but without drink, said:--
"In a dish came fish
From the arch-bis-
Hop was not there,
Because there was no beer."
CDLXI.--UNREMITTING KINDNESS.
"CALL that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness?"
"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.
CDLXII.--KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.
AT Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added, "and the Birmingham audience into the bargain."
CDLXIII.--A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.
A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public benefit, inasmuch as it kills off all the foolish girls, and leaves the wise only to grow into women.
CDLXIV.--A MARK OF RESPECT.
CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my head."--"I accept it," said Congreve; "for trifles show respect."
CDLXV.--A GRETNA CUSTOMER.
A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a guinea."--"True," said the smith, "but he was an Irishman. I have married him six times. He is a good customer, and you I may never see again."
CDLXVI.--LEAVING HIS VERDICT.
"I REMEMBER," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York, and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'--'Please you, my lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other business--but he has left his verdict with me!'"
CDLXVII.--OVER-WISE.
IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following passage:--
[Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.]
To which he gave the proper sense,--
"I am not over-wise;"
but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,--"You are quite right, sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."
CDLXVIII.--IMPROMPTU.
'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true,
St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.
CDLXIX.--INDEPENDENCE.
JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him, if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand in your shoes for all the world!"
CDLXX.--ON PRIDE.
FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
To steal a share of notoriety,
Will tell you in important words,
He mixes in the best society.
CDLXXI.--BLACK LETTER.
AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very indifferent spelling."
CDLXXII.--A HIATUS.
"DID you not on going down find a party in your kitchen?" asked an underbred barrister of a witness. "A tea-party, Mr. ----?" mildly interposed Judge Maule.
CDLXXIII.--A REASONABLE REQUEST.
AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only cost a few men."--"Will you make one of the few?" remarked the general.
CDLXXIV.--A STRIKING POINT.
WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract, Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the noes (nose) will have it."
CDLXXV.--VERY PRETTY.
ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. "I thought so yesterday," he replied.
CDLXXVI.--AN ODD BIRD.
A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several. He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord Thurlow's laid an egg."
CDLXXVII.--INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.
FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder;
Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;
Verdict--Ennui--so little work to do.
CDLXXVIII.--"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."
A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a "fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax' demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty dollars in my life, and I've done the same thing often.'"
CDLXXIX.--CONFIDENCE.
"WHY," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention to every stranger I invite?"--"Because, sir," was the reply, "when you preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust a stranger without keeping a good look-out."
CDLXXX.--THE CUT INFERNAL.
SAID Wetherall the other night
Of ----: "He's the silliest elf
I ever knew." Sir Charles was right,
For no one ever knows himself.
CDLXXXI.--FEELING HIS WAY.
"UNCLE," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head still on the sovereign?"--"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask that?"--"Because it is now such a length of time since I saw one."
CDLXXXII.--THE WILL.
JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
"What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave
Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"
"That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,
Since he married, poor man, he'd no will of his own."
CDLXXXIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.
TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him was true. "General," said one of them, "it is; and we should have said much more if our wine had not failed."
CDLXXXIV.--A NEW SPORT.
QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with venison, and go a-Quinning, I should certainly bite; and what a sight should I be dangling in the air!"
CDLXXXV.--SYDNEY SMITH.
SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this," said Mr. Smith. "Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente," was the reply. "Pray, sir, do you believe in a cook?" inquired Mr. Smith.
CDLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.
THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind,
Is surely nothing strange;
For no one yet could ever find
He'd any mind to change.
CDLXXXVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.
"WHY don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F---- to a boy struggling with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will hold my calf, I'll pull off my hat."
CDLXXXVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.
JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants, Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of what religion does not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of Christianity." Severe.
CDLXXXIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.
A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' wad mak' a gran' balance." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."
CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.
A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the waiter that called my Lord ---- out of the room."
CDXCI.--CALCULATION.
SAYS Giles, "My wife and I are two,
Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
Quoth Jack, "You're ten, if I speak true;
She 's one and you're a cipher."
CDXCII.--GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.
WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of dese, give me the man wid de dying speech," meaning Mr. Adams, who was then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.
CDXCIII.--SLEEPING ROUND.
THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it, John?"--"Very wet, sir."--"Any mullet in the market?"--"No, sir."--"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the ennui of a dull day.
CDXCIV.--AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.
"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that you think me a humbug?"--"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that you can discover a man's thoughts by your touch."
CDXCV.--NOT SO EASY.
A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was advised by the Court not to show temper, but to show cause.
CDXCVI.--A POINT.
POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a note of interrogation?"--"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow, with a look of great contempt, "is a little crooked thing that asks questions."
CDXCVII.--THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.
ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth," quoth the other, "because scholars are so poor that they have not a sovereign amongst them."
CDXCVIII.--CHALLENGING A JURY.
AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally challenge them. "Faith, and so I will," replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will challenge every man of them."
CDXCIX.--WALPOLIANA.
WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father, they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"--"Well," replied the Bishop, "and what is that to you?"--"Nay, nothing; only if you had told me, I would have powdered my hair."
A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his mouth was very sore.
After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd, whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the cambric bill;" which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not ruffled."
D.--MINDING HIS BUSINESS.
MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning: "Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to attind to what I'm about; so whenever I sleeps, I pays attintion to it."
DI.--PENCE TABLE.
A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called after him, "Where are you going, sir?"--"I am going to buy a ha'porth of nails."--"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"--"For a halfpenny," replied the urchin.
DII.--SATISFACTION.
LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"--"Oh! my Lord," said the person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me you did not write the book."
DIII.--A SAFE APPEAL.
A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect."--"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know, doctor, dead men tell no tales."
DIV.--A CAUTIOUS LOVER.
"WHEN I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'"--D.J.
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 4
