Concerning the wisdom of the sublime Wei Chung and its application to the ordinary problems of existence. The meeting of three, hitherto unknown to each other, about a wayside inn, and their various manners of conducting the enterprise.
Venerated Sire,--You will doubtless remember the behaviour of the aged philosopher Wei Chung, when commanded by the broad-minded emperor of his time to reveal the hidden sources of his illimitable knowledge, so that all might freely acquire, and the race thereby become raised to a position of unparalleled excellence. Taking the well-disposed sovereign familiarly by the arm, Wei Chung led him to the mouth of his cave in the forest, and, standing by his side, bade him reflect with open eyes for a short space of time, and then express aloud what he had seen. “Nothing of grave import,” declared the emperor when the period was accomplished; “only the trees shaken by the breeze.” “It is enough,” replied Wei Chung. “What, to the adroitly-balanced mind, does such a sight reveal?” “That it is certainly a windy day,” exclaimed the omnipotent triumphantly, for although admittedly divine, he yet lacked the philosopher’s discrimination. “On the contrary,” replied the sage coldly, “that is the natural pronouncement of the rankly superficial. To the highly-trained intellect it conveys the more subtle truth that the wind affects the trees, and not the trees affect the wind. For upwards of seventy years this one has daily stood at the door of his cave for a brief period, and regularly garnering a single detail of like brilliance, has made it the well-spring for a day’s reflection. As the result he now has by heart upwards of twenty-five thousand useful facts, all serviceable for original proverbs, and an encyclopaedic mind which would enable him to take a high place in a popular competition unassisted by a single work of reference.” Much impressed by the adventure the charitably-inclined emperor presented Wei Chung with an onyx crown (which the philosopher at once threw into an adjacent well), and returning to his capital published a decree that each day at sunrise every person should stand at the door of his dwelling, and after observing for a period, compare among themselves the details of their thoughts. By this means he hoped to achieve his imperial purpose, but although the literal part of the enactment is scrupulously maintained, especially by the slothful and defamatory, who may be seen standing at their doors and conversing together even to this day, from some unforeseen imperfection the intellectual capacity of the race has remained exactly as it was before.
Nevertheless it is not to be questioned that the system of the versatile Wei Chung was, in itself, grounded upon a far-seeing accuracy, and as the need of such a rational observation is deepened among the inconsistencies and fantastic customs of a barbarian race, I have made it a useful habit to accept as a guide for the day’s behaviour the reflections engendered by the first noteworthy incident of the morning.
Upon the day with which this letter concerns itself I had set forth, in accordance with an ever-present desire, to explore some of the hidden places of the city. At the time a tempest of great ferocity was raging, and bending my head before it I had the distinction of coming into contact with a person of ill-endowed exterior at an angle where two roads met. This amiable wayfarer exchanged civilities with me after the politeness characteristic of the labouring classes towards those who differ from them in speech, dress, or colour: that is to say, he filled his pipe from my proffered store, and after lighting it threw the match into my face, and passed on with an appropriate remark.
Doubtless this insignificant occurrence would have faded without internal comment if the penetrating Wei Chung had never existed, but now, guided by his sublime precedent, I arranged the incident for the day’s conduct under three reflective heads.
It was while I was meditating on the second of these that an exclamation caused me to turn, when I observed a prosperously-outlined person in the act of picking up a scrip which had the appearance of being lavishly distended with pieces of gold.
“If I had not seen you pass it, I should have opined that this hyer wallet belonged to you,” remarked the justice-loving stranger (for the incident had irresistibly retarded my own footsteps), speaking the language of this land, but with an accent of penetrating harmony hitherto unknown to my ears. With these auspicious words he turned over the object upon his hand doubtfully.
“So entrancing a possibility is, as you gracefully suggest, of unavoidable denial,” I replied. “Nevertheless, this person will not hesitate to join his acclamation with yours; for, as the Book of Verses wisely says, ‘Even the blind, if truly polite, will extol the prospect from your house-top.’”
“That’s so,” admitted the one by my side. “But I don’t know that there is any call for a special thanksgiving. As I happen to have more money of my own than I can reasonably spend I shall drop this in at a convenient police station. I dare say some poor critter is pining away for it now.”
Pleasantly impressed by the resolute benevolence of the one who had a greater store of wealth than he could, by his own unaided efforts, dispose of, I arranged myself unobtrusively at his side, and maintaining an exhibition of my most polished and genial conversation, I sought to penetrate deeply into his esteem.
“Gaze in this direction, Kong,” he said at length, calling me by name with auspicious familiarity; “I am a benighted stranger in this hyer city, and so are you, I rek’n. Suppose we liquor up, and then take a few of the side shows together.”
“The suggestion is one against which I will erect no ill-disposed barrier,” I at once replied, so inflexibly determined not to lose sight of a person possessing such engaging attributes as to be cheerfully prepared even to consume my rice spirit in the inverted position which his words implied if the display was persisted in. “Nevertheless,” I added, with a resourceful prudence, “although by no means undistinguished among the highest literary and competitive circles of his native Yuen-ping, the one before you is incapable of walking in the footsteps of a person whose accumulations are greater than he himself can appreciably diminish.”
“That’s all right, Kong,” exclaimed the one whom my last words fittingly described, striking the recess of his lower garment with a gesture of graceful significance. “When I take a fancy to any one it isn’t a matter of dollars. I usually carry a trifle of five hundred or a thousand pounds in my pocket-book, and if we can get through that--why, there’s plenty more waiting at the bank. Say, though, I hope you don’t keep much about you; it isn’t really safe.”
“The temptation to do so is one which this person has hitherto successfully evaded,” I replied. “The contents of this reptile-skin case”--and not to be outshone in mutual confidence I here displayed it openly--“do not exceed nine or ten pieces of gold and a like number of printed obligations promising to pay five pieces each.”
“Put it away, Kong,” he said resolutely. “You won’t need that so long as you’re with me. Well, now, what sort of a saloon have we here?”
As far as the opinion might be superficially expressed it had every indication of being one of noteworthy antiquity, and to the innately modest mind its unassuming diffidence might have lent an added charm. Nevertheless, on most occasions this person would have maintained an unshaken dexterity in avoiding its open door, but as the choice admittedly lay in the hands of one who carried five hundred or a thousand pieces of gold we went in together and passed through to a compartment of retiring seclusion.
In our own land, O my orthodox-minded father, where the unfailing resources of innumerable bands of dragons, spirits, vampires, ghouls, shadows, omens, and thunderstorms are daily enlisted to carry into effect the pronouncements of an appointed destiny, we have many historical examples of the inexorably converging legs of coincidence, but none, I think, more impressively arranged than the one now descending this person’s brush.
We had scarcely reposed ourselves, and taken from the hands of an awaiting slave the vessels of thrice-potent liquid which in this Island is regarded as the indispensable accompaniment to every movement of existence, when a third person entered the room, and seating himself at a table some slightly removed distance away, lowered his head and abandoned himself to a display of most lavish dejection.
“That poor cuss doesn’t appear to be holiday-making,” remarked the sincerely-compassionate person at my side, after closely observing the other for a period; and then, moved by the overpowering munificence of his inward nature, he called aloud, “Say, stranger, you seem to have got it thickly in the neck. Is it family affliction or the whisky of the establishment?”
At these affably-intentioned words the stranger raised his eyes quickly, with an indication of not having up to that time been aware of our presence.
“Sir,” he exclaimed, approaching to a spot where he could converse with a more enhanced facility, “when I loosened the restraint of an overpowering if unmanly grief, I imagined that I was alone, for I would have shunned even the most flattering sympathy, but your charitably-modulated voice invites confidence. The one before you is the most contemptible, left-handed, and disqualified outcast in creation, and he is now making his way towards the river, while his widow will be left to take in washing, his infant son to vend evening printed leaves, and his graceful and hitherto highly secluded daughters to go upon the stage.”
“Say, stranger,” interposed this person, by no means unwilling to engrave upon his memory this newly-acquired form of greeting, “the emotion is doubtless all-pressing, but in my ornate and flower-laden tongue we have a salutation, ‘Slowly, slowly; walk slowly,’ which seems to be of far-seeing application.”
“That’s so,” remarked the one by my side. “Separate it with the teeth, inch by inch.”
“I will be calm, then,” continued the other (who, to avoid the complication of the intermingling circumstances, may be described as the more stranger of the two), and he took of his neckcloth. “I am a merchant in tea, yellow fat, and mixed spices, in a small but hitherto satisfactory way.” Thus revealing himself, he continued to set forth how at an earlier hour he had started on a journey to deposit his wealth (doubtless as a propitiation of outraged deities) upon a certain bank, and how, upon reaching the specified point, he discovered that what he carried had eluded his vigilance. “All gone: notes, gold, and pocket-book--the savings of a lifetime,” concluded the ill-omened one, and at the recollection a sudden and even more highly-sustained frenzy of self-unpopularity involving him, without a pause he addressed himself by seven and twenty insulting expressions, many of which were quite new to my understanding.
At the earliest mention of the details affecting the loss, the elbow of the person who had made himself responsible for the financial obligation of the day propelled itself against my middle part, and unseen by the other he indicated to me by means of his features that the entertainment was becoming one of agreeable prepossession.
“Now, touching this hyer wallet,” he said presently. “How might you describe it?”
“In colour it was red, and within were two compartments, the one containing three score notes each of ten pounds, the other fifty pounds of gold. But what’s the use of describing it? Some lucky demon will pick it up and pocket the lot, and I shall never see a cent of it again.”
“Then you’d better consult one who reburnishes the eyes,” declared the magnanimous one with a laugh, and drawing forth the article referred to he cast it towards the merchant in a small way.
At this point of the narrative my thoroughly incompetent brush confesses the proportions of the requirement to be beyond its most extended limit, and many very honourable details are necessarily left without expression.
“I’ve known men of all sorts, good, bad, and bothwise,” exclaimed the one who had recovered his possessions; “but I never thought to meet a gent as would hand over six hundred and fifty pounds as if it was a toothpick. Sir, it overbalances me; it does, indeed.”
“Say no more about it,” urged the first person, and to suggest gracefully that the incident had reached its furthest extremity, he began to set out the melody of an unspoken verse.
“I will say no more, then,” he replied; “but you cannot reasonably prevent my doing something to express my gratitude. If you are not too proud you will come and partake of food and wine with me beneath the sign of the Funereal Male Cow, and to show my confidence in you I shall insist upon you carrying my pocket-book.”
The person whom I had first encountered suffered his face to become excessively amused. “Say, stranger, do you take me for a pack-mule?” he replied good-naturedly. “I already have about as much as I want to handle. Never mind; we’ll come along with you, and Mr. Kong shall carry your bullion.”
At this delicate and high-minded proposal a rapid change, in no way complimentary to my explicit habit of adequately conducting any venture upon which I may be engaged, came over the face of the second person.
“Sir,” he exclaimed, “I have nothing to say against this gentleman, but I am under no obligation to him, and I don’t see why I should trust him with everything I possess.”
“Stranger,” exclaimed the other rising to his feet (and from this point it must be understood that the various details succeeded one another with a really agile dexterity), “let me tell you that Mr. Kong is my friend, and that ought to be enough.”
“It is. If you say this gentleman is your friend, and that you have known him long and intimately enough to be able to answer for him, that’s good enough for me.”
“Well,” admitted the first person, and I could not conceal from myself that his tone was inauspiciously reluctant, “I can’t exactly say that I’ve known him long; in fact I only met him half an hour ago. But I have the fullest confidence in his integrity.”
“It’s just as I expected. Well, sir, you’re good-natured enough for anything, but if you’ll excuse me, I must say that you’re a small piece of an earthenware vessel after all”--the veiled allusion doubtlessly being that the vessel of necessity being broken, the contents inevitably escape--“and I hope you’re not being had.”
“I’m not, and I’ll prove it before we go out together,” retorted the engaging one, who had in the meantime become so actively impetuous on my account, that he did not remain content with the spoken words, but threw the various belongings about as he mentioned them in a really profuse display of inimitable vehemence. “Here, Kong, take this hyer pocket-book whatever he says. Now on the top of that take everything I’ve got, and you know what THAT figures up to. Now give this gentleman your little lot to keep him quiet; I don’t ask for anything. Now, stranger, I’m ready. You and I will take a stroll round the block and back again, and if Mr. Kong isn’t waiting here for us when we return with everything intact and O.K., I’ll double your deposit and never trust a durned soul again.”
Nodding genially over his shoulder with a harmonious understanding, expressive of the fact that we were embarking upon an undeniably diverting episode, the benevolent-souled person who had accumulated more riches than he was competent to melt away himself, passed out, urging the doubtful and still protesting one before him.
Thus abandoned to my own reflections, I pondered for a short time profitably on the third head of the day’s meditation (Touching the match and this person’s unattractively-lined face. The revealed truth: the inexperienced sheep cannot pass through the hedge without leaving portions of his wool), and then finding the philosophy of Wei Chung very good, I determined to remove the superfluous apprehensions of the vender of food-stuffs with less delay by setting out and meeting them on their return.
A few paces distant from the door, one of the ever-present watchers of the street was standing, watching the street with unremitting vigilance, while from the well-guarded expression of his face it might nevertheless be gathered that he stood as though in expectation.
“Prosperity,” I said, with seasonable greeting. (For no excess of consideration is too great to be lavished upon these, who unite within themselves the courage of a high warrior, the expertness of a three-handed magician, and the courtesy of a genial mandarin.) “I seek two, apparelled thus and thus. Did you, by any chance, mark the direction of their footsteps?”
“Oh,” he said, regarding this person with a most flattering application, “YOU seek them, do you? Well, they’ve just gone off in a hansom, and they’ll want a lot of seeking for the next week or two. You let them carry your purse, perhaps?”
“Assuredly,” I replied. “As a mark of confidence; this person, for his part, receiving a like token at their hands.”
“That’s it,” said the official watcher, conveying into his voice a subtle indication that he had become excessively fatigued. “It’s like a nursery tale--never too old to take with the kids. Well, come along, poor lamb, the station isn’t far.”
So great had become the reliance which by this time I habitually reposed in these men, that I never sought to oppose their pronouncements (such a course being not only useless but undignified), and we therefore together reached the place which the one by my side had described as a station.
From the outside the building was in no way imposing, but upon reaching an inner dungeon it at once became plain that no matter with what crime a person might be charged, even the most stubborn resistance would be unavailing. Before a fiercely-burning fire were arranged metal pincers, massive skewers, ornamental branding irons, and the usual accessories of the grill, one tool being already thrust into the heart of the flame to indicate the nature of its use, and its immediate readiness for the purpose. Pegs from which the accused could be hung by the thumbs with weights attached to the feet, covered an entire wall; chains, shackling-irons, fetters, steel rings for compressing the throat, and belts for tightening the chest, all had their appointed places, while the Chair, the Boot, the Heavy Hat, and many other appliances quite unknown to our system of administering justice were scattered about.
Without pausing to select any of these, the one who led me approached a raised desk at which was seated a less warlike official, whose sympathetic appearance inspired confidence. “Kong Ho,” exclaimed to himself the person who is inscribing these words, “here is an individual into whose discriminating ear it would be well to pour the exact happening without evasion. Then even if the accusation against you be that of resembling another or trafficking with unlawful Forces, he will doubtless arrange the matter so that the expiation shall be as light and inexpensive as possible.”
By this time certain other officials had drawn near. “What is it?” I heard one demand, and another replied, “Brooklyn Ben and Jimmie the Butterman again. Ah, they aren’t artful, are they!” but at this moment the two into whose power I had chiefly fallen having conversed together, I was commanded to advance towards them and reveal my name.
“Kong,” I replied freely; and I had formed a design to explain somewhat of the many illustrious ancestors of the House, when the one at the desk, pausing to inscribe my answer in a book, spoke out.
“Kong?” he said. “Is that the christian or surname?”
“Sir-name?” replied this person between two thoughts. “Undoubtedly the one before you is entitled by public examination to the degree ‘Recognised Talent,’ which may, as a meritorious distinction, be held equal to your title of a warrior clad in armour. Yet, if it is so held, that would rightly be this person’s official name of Paik.”
“Oh, it would, would it?” said the one seated upon the high chair. “That’s quite clear. Are there any other names as well?”
“Assuredly,” I explained, pained inwardly that one of official rank should so slightly esteem my appearance as to judge that I was so meagrely endowed. “The milk name of Ho; Tsin upon entering the Classes; as a Great Name Cheng; another style in Quank; the official title already expressed, and T’chun, Li, Yuen and Nung as the various emergencies of life arise.”
“Thank you,” said the high-chair official courteously. “Now, just the name in full, please, without any velvet trimmings.”
“Kong,” began this person, desirous above all things of putting the matter competently, yet secretly perturbed as to what might be considered superfluous and what deemed a perfidious suppression, “Ho Tsin Cheng Quank--”
“Hold hard,” cried this same one, restraining me with an uplifted pen. “Did you say ‘Quack’?”
“Quack?” repeated this person, beginning to become involved within himself, and not grasping the detail in the right position. “In a manner of setting the expression forth--”
“Put him down, ‘Quack Duck,’ sir,” exclaimed one of dog-like dejection who stood by. “Most of these Lascars haven’t got any real names--they just go by what any one happens to call them at the time, like ‘Burmese Ike’ down at the Mint,” and this person unfortunately chancing to smile and bow acquiescently at that moment (not with any set intention, but as a general principle of courteous urbanity), in place of his really distinguished titles he will henceforth appear among the historical records of this dynasty under what he cannot disguise from his inner misgivings to be the low-caste appellation of Quack Duck.
“Now the address, please,” continued the high one, again preparing to inscribe the word, and being determined that by no mischance should this particular be offensively reported, I unhesitatingly replied, “Beneath the Sign of the Lead Tortoise, on the northern course from the Lotus Pools outside the walls of Yuen-ping.”
This answer the one with the book did not immediately record. “I don’t say it isn’t all right when you know the parts,” he remarked broad-mindedly, “but it does sound a trifle irregular. Can’t you give it a number and a street?”
“I fancy it must be a pub, sir,” observed another. “He said that it had a sign--the Red Tortoise.”
“Well, haven’t you got a London address?” said the high one, and this person being able to supply a street and a number as desired, this part of the undertaking was disposed of, to his cordial satisfaction.
“Now let me see the articles which these men left with you,” commanded the chieftain of the band, and without any misleading discrepancies I at once drew forth from an inner sleeve the two scrips, of which adequate mention has already been made, another hitherto undescribed, two instruments for measuring the passing hours of the day, together with a chain of fine gold ingeniously wrought into the semblance of a cable, an ornament for the breast, set about with a jewel, two neck-cloths of a kind usually carried in the pocket, a book for recording happenings of any moment, pieces of money to the value of about eleven taels, a silver flagon, a sheathed weapon and a few lesser objects of insignificant value. These various details I laid obsequiously before the one who had commanded it, while the others stood around either in explicit silence or speaking softly beneath their breath.
“Do I understand that the two persons left all these things with you, while they took your purse in exchange?” said the high official, after examining certain obscure signs upon the metals, the contents of the third scrip, and the like.
“It cannot reasonably be denied,” I replied; “inasmuch as they departed without them.”
“Spontaneously?” he demanded, and in spite of the unevadible severity of his voice the expression of his nearer eye deviated somewhat.
“The spoken and conclusive word of the first was that it was his intention to commit to this one’s keeping everything which he had; the assertion of the second being that with this scrip I received all that he possessed.”
“While of yours, what did they get, Mr. Quack?” and the tone of the one who spoke had a much more gratifying modulation than before, while the attitudes of those who stood around had favourably changed, until they now conveyed a message of deliberate esteem.
“A serpent-skin case of two enclosures,” I replied. “On the one side was a handcount of the small copper-pieces of this Island, which I had caused to be burnished and gilt for the purpose of taking back to amuse those of Yuen-ping. On the other side were two or three pages from a gravity-removing printed leaf entitled ‘Bits of Tits,’ with which this person weekly instructs himself in the simpler rudiments of the language. For the rest the case was controlled by a hidden spring, and inscribed about with a charm against loss, consumption by fire, or being secretly acquired by the unworthy.”
“I don’t think you stand in much need of that charm, Mr. Quack,” remarked another of more than ordinary rank, who was also present. “Then they really got practically no money from you?”
“By no means,” I admitted. “It was never literally stipulated, and whatever of wealth he possesses this person carries in a concealed spot beneath his waistbelt.” (For even to these, virtuous sire, I did not deem it expedient to reveal the fact that in reality it is hidden within the sole of my left sandal.)
“I congratulate you,” he said with lavish refinement. “Ben and the Butterman can be very bland and persuasive. Could you tell me, as a matter of professional curiosity, what first put you on your guard?”
“In this person’s country,” I replied, “there is an apt saying, ‘The sagacious bird does not build his nest twice in the empty soup-toureen,’ and by observing closely what has gone before one may accurately conjecture much that will follow after.” It may be, that out of my insufferable shortcomings of style and expression, this answer did not convey to his mind the logical sequence of the warning; yet it would have been more difficult to show him how everything arose from the faultlessly-balanced system of the heroic Wei Chung, or the exact parallel lying between the ill-clad outcast who demanded a portion of tobacco and the cheerfully unassuming stranger who had in his possession a larger accumulation of money than he could conveniently disperse.
In such a manner I took leave of the station and those connected with it, after directing that the share of the spoil which fell by the law of this Island to my lot should be sold and the money of exchange faithfully divided among the virtuous and necessitous of both sexes. The higher officials each waved me pleasantly by the hand, according to the striking and picturesque custom of the land, while the lesser ones stood around and spoke flattering words as I departed, as “honourable,” “a small piece of all-right,” “astute ancient male fowl,” “ah!” and the like.
With repeated assurances that however ineptly the adventure may at the time appear to be tending, as regards the essentials of true dignity and an undeviating grasp upon articles of negotiable value, nothing of a regrettable incident need be feared.
