Dear Brown and Jones and Robinson and many thousands more,
Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt shore,
You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay,
Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.
While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week, And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek, Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks, As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.
Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample space, Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place: The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch, And no one spoils our appetite with--"After you with Punch!"
The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still, The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will; No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown, But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.
Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns (Though from my heart I pity you--Brown, Robinson and Jones), So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack, I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.
TRIPPERS
Tommy (his first visit). "Will it be like this all d-d-d-day daddy?"
When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are covered by this expression?
ENGLAND AND GERMANY
British Nimrod (who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South Africa). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport unless it contains the element of danger."
German Nimrod. "Ach zo? you are vont of taincher? Den you should gom ant shood mit me! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in de shdomag!"]
CUTTING A NEW ACQUAINTANCE.--Major Longi'th'Bow. I met a Brahmin once with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him for a statue and cut his name as usual.
AT FLORENCE.--First Tourist. Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?
Second Tourist (facetiously). The railway, of course. And you?
First Tourist (getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend). My wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!
English Tourist. "Aw--that buttermilk was very nice, my dear. What payment do you expect for it?"
Cottage Girl. "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we give it to the pigs!"]
MISPLACED SYMPATHY
(The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time.)
"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible accident. He's got two wooden feet!"]
Mrs. Tripper (examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne). What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?
Tripper (who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign language). It means--"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.
WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS, &c.
Jones. "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voila'?"
Brown. "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,' or something like that."
Jones. "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and thinking I've been swearing in French!"]
BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH
The worst of Wales is, the wild beasts are so numerous and inquisitive.
GEOLOGY.--Scientific Pedestrian. "Do you find any fossils here?"
Excavator. "Dunno what you calls 'vossuls.' We finds nowt here but muck and 'ard work!"
MUSIC ON THE WATERS.--Parker. "Beg pardon, my lady, but the band can't play the selection your ladyship asked for."
Her Ladyship (astonished). "But it's in their programme!"
Parker. "Yes, my lady, but they can't play it till we get into still water, and then they'll try!"]
A MOOT POINT.--Mrs. Brown (on her honeymoon). "Oh, aren't you glad, darling, we have come this delightful tour, instead of going to one of those stupid foreign places?"
[_Darling is not quite sure about it, as the hills are of terrible frequency, and, naturally, he tows his bride up every one._
]
BAD HABITS GROW APACE.--Traveller (whose train is due). "Look here, I'm going to get out and walk. That brute will make me miss my train!"
Jarvey. "Kape still, surr. For the love av' Moses, kape still. Sure an' if the ould blayguard bates us, I'll niver get him up to the station no more!"
