Impressions on my hat after going down the salt mine at Berchtesgaden.
Impressions on my alpenstock after looking at the Alpine Peaks from below with an opera-glass.
Impressions on my nose and forehead by the mosquitoes, when I would be poetical and stay all the evening on the Rialto at Venice.
Impressions on my ears by the bad language of my guide, when I refused to pay for the echoes awakened on the Rhine by an ancient howitzer.
Impressions on my heart by memories of that pretty little Frenchwoman I travelled with from Turin.
Impressions on my feet by her sweet little bottines.
Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those bottines too near my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time.
THOUGHT BY A TOURIST.--Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the table d'hote.
THE RULING PASSION
Customs Official. "Have you anything to declare?"
Absent-minded Traveller (Bridge-player, just catching last word). "Oh, leave it to you!"]
: INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS
Henri Dubois (who can speak English) to his friend 'Arry Smith (who can't). "Pardon me, mon ami! You are very pretty boy, you dress in ze most perfect 'chic'; but vy do you speak your own language so ungrammaticalle?"
'Arry. "Why do I speak my hown langwidge so hungrammatical? 'Ang it, yer down't suppowse as I were hedgerkited at Heton or 'Arrow like a bloomin' swell, do yer?"
Henri. "Voyez donc ca! Now in France zere is no Eton, no Harrow: all ze public schools are ze same, and ze butcher and baker's little boys go zere, and ze little candlestick-makers, and ze little boys of ze merchants of cheese like you and me!"
'Arry. "Come, I s'y, Walker, yer know! And where do their customers' little boys go?"
Henri. "Parbleu! Zey go zere too!!"
['Arry, suddenly conscious of his deficiencies, feels bitterly towards his country.
]
"DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES"
Old Gentleman. "Are you certain that these life-belts are cork, and not half sawdust?"
Storeman. "They are the best quality. We have sold hundreds, and never had a complaint!"]
HAPPY GEOGRAPHICAL THOUGHT (when crossing the Channel in exceptionally rough weather).--"Oh dear! What a pity that the sea everywhere can't be the Pacific Ocean!"
"THE TRAVELLERS' CLUB."--An alpenstock.
FOREIGN HOTELS.--"WHAT!--NO SOAP!"--"Oh--er--juste regardez ici, mademoiselle! Vous nous avez charge pour le savon--et nous ne l'avons pas use, vous savez, car----"
"Oh, mamma! How can you!"
[Poor things! they had brought their own.
]
THE PERSONAL EQUATION.--Ducal Butler (showing art treasures of Stilton Castle). "The three Graces--after Canova!"
Mrs Ramsbotham. "How interesting! And pray, which is the present Duchess?"
Her Husband (going on the Continent). "Look here, Arabella, from now you and I will speak nothing but French."
Arabella. "Oui."
Her Husband. "What did you say?"]
"EASIER SAID THAN DONE"
Stout Traveller (in the Eastern Counties). "My lad--which is the--quickest way--for me to get to the station?"
Street Arab. "Wh' run bo'! 'th' else yeow'll sartain'y lewse th' tr'ine! There goo th' bell!!"]
DESPAIR!
Brown has locked his portmanteau with one of those letter padlocks and forgotten the word that opens it.
