Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories 31 – Anonymous · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories 31A Waiter'S Warning
18
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories 31
A Waiter'S Warning
AnonymousEnglish
"ENTOMOLOGY IN PARLIAMENT STREET.--Mr. Frank W. DUFREY, 55, Parliament Street, writes to the Field:--'It will interest your entomological readers to hear that a fine specimen of the death's-head hawk moth (Acherontia atropos) was taken in Parliament Street on Monday evening. It flew into the dining-room at the Red Lion Tavern, and was captured by one of the waiters, who was alarmed at its size and the peculiar noise it made. Apart from its being rather rubbed, it is a very good specimen of the largest of our lepidoptera, and is now in my possession.'"
"William, where's John?
What, is he gone?"
"Not gone away, sir.
Sorry to say, sir;
John ill a-bed, sir,
Bad in 'is 'ed, sir.
'Ad a great fright, sir.
Turned 'is 'air wite, sir.
Last Monday night, sir."
"Struck down with fear!
How? Let me hear."
"'Orrible thing, sir,
Came on the wing sir;
Window in through, sir,
Suddently flew, sir,
Into this room, sir,
A shape from the tomb, sir.
'Twasn't a bat, sir;
No, sir, not that, sir:
Moth, sir, we thought, sir.
But wen it was caught, sir,
Huttered a shriek, sir,
A scream, sir, a squeak, sir!
Hinsect, you know, sir,
Couldn't do so, sir.
Wot should we find, sir,
On its back, sir, be'ind, sir,
Printed, exact, sir?--
A skull, sir,--a fact, sir!
John gasped for breath, sir;
Thought it was Death, sir--
Notice to quit, sir.
John was that frit, sir,
John 'ad a fit, sir--
Went a'most mad, sir.
John very bad, sir;
Better, bimeby, sir;
'Opes John won't die, sir.
Doctor 'e said, sir,
Moth, named death's 'ed, sir,
In natteral 'istory, sir;
Rare; but no mystery, sir:
Honly a prize, sir,
A catch in 'is heyes, sir,
As a medical gent, sir,
No call to repent, sir--
That's 'is belief, sir.
A sirloin of beef, sir,
Just up--very nice, sir.
Bring you a slice, sir?
Potatoes and greens, sir--
And any French beans, sir?"
Mrs. Godolphin. "Shall we meet at Dunchester House to-morrow?"
Mrs. Lascelles. "No. I was there on Monday. I heard there were a few people going to-morrow."
Mrs. Godolphin. "Oh, yes. She has only asked quite a few people. On Monday, now, I hear there was quite a big rabble there!"]
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
"By the way, your friend O'Leary dined with me last night. What a dull dog he is!"
"Oh, that depends on what company he's in!"]
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
"You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and have dinner with us!"
"Oh, it's not quite so bad as that!"]
FREAKS OF NATURE
Waiter. "Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering passion!"
A NEW DISH
Sympathising Swell (waiting for some chicken). "You've got no sinecure there, Thomas!"
Perspiring Footman. "Very sorry, sir--just 'elped the last of it away, sir!"]
ALARMING SYMPTOMS AFTER EATING BOILED BEEF AND GOOSEBERRY PIE
Little Boy. "Oh, lor, mar, I feel just exactly as if my jacket was buttoned."
BROWN AND JONES OVER THEIR WINE
Jones. "How would I take Cronstadt? With vigour and decision, nothing more easy. My dear Brown, look here. This table is the Baltic, very well. Now look--(Jones places certain strawberries for the forts; the city of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented by a plate of gooseberries at the back.) Here we are. The strawberries the forts: Cronstadt the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and decision! This spoon is the Duke of Wellington, three-decker, leading the van. We go in here, firing both broadsides at once, to destroy the forts to larboard and starboard; while at the same time our guns in the bows and stern-sheets smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are then in front of Cronstadt--the city of Cronstadt. We shell that, sir; shell it of course! Blow up the powder-magazines; capitulation ensues; the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Brown, that is how I would take Cronstadt----"
Brown. "----After dinner."]
HEAVY
Stranger (just arrived at the City of Eastminster). "What can I have for dinner, waiter?"
Waiter. "Anything you please, sir!"
Stranger. "What are you celebrated for here?"
Waiter. "Well, sir, there's the cathedral----!!"]
HORRIBLE SUSPICION
Old Gentleman. "Oh, waiter, why is it that a dinner off the joint is five shillings, but if you only have made dishes and soup, it's two shillings and sixpence?"
Waiter. "That, sir, is on account of the very high price of butcher's meat just now, sir."]
SELF-EXAMINATION
Party (slightly influenced). "Queshion ish! Am I fit to go intodrawingroom? Letsh shee!--I can shay gloriush conshyshusn!--Have seen Brish inshychusion--all that shortothing--thatledo--here gosh!"
"MARCH OF REFINEMENT," 1875.--Brown (behind the age, but hungry). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter."
Head Waiter. "Beg pardon, sir?"
Brown. "The bill of fare."
Head Waiter. "The what, sir? O!--ah!--Yes!"--(to subordinate)--"Chawles, bring this--this--a--gen'leman--the menoo!!"]
"MELTING!"
Stout Chairman (who feels the fire close at his back rather oppressive). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen."
Waiter. "Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!"
Stout Chairman. "Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"]
"I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as the one I had here last week."
