Not George Washington 14 – Westbrook · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Not George Washington 14Part 2 · Julian’s Idea
18
Literature · Humor
Not George Washington 14
Part 2 · Julian’s Idea
WestbrookEnglish
(James Orlebar Cloyster’s narrative continued)
I had been relating, on the morning after the Blake affair, the stirring episode of the previous night to Julian. He agreed with me that it was curious that our potato-thrower of Covent Garden market should have crossed my path again. But I noticed that, though he listened intently enough, he lay flat on his back in his hammock, not looking at me, but blinking at the ceiling; and when I had finished he turned his face towards the wall—which was unusual, since I generally lunched on his breakfast, as I was doing then, to the accompaniment of quite a flow of languid abuse.
I was in particularly high spirits that morning, for I fancied that I had found a way out of my difficulty about Margaret. That subject being uppermost in my mind, I guessed at once what Julian’s trouble was.
“I think you’d like to know, Julian,” I said, “whether I’d written to Guernsey.”
“Well?”
“It’s all right,” I said.
“You’ve told her to come?”
“No; but I’m able to take my respite without wounding her. That’s as good as writing, isn’t it? We agreed on that.”
“Yes; that was the idea. If you could find a way of keeping her from knowing how well you were getting on with your writing, you were to take it. What’s your idea?”
“I’ve hit on a very simple way out of the difficulty,” I said. “It came to me only this morning. All I need do is to sign my stuff with a pseudonym.”
“You only thought of that this morning?”
“Yes. Why?”
“My dear chap, I thought of it as soon as you told me of the fix you were in.”
“You might have suggested it.”
Julian slid to the floor, drained the almost empty teapot, rescued the last kidney, and began his breakfast.
“I would have suggested it,” he said, “if the idea had been worth anything.”
“What! What’s wrong with it?”
“My dear man, it’s too risky. It’s not as though you kept to one form of literary work. You’re so confoundedly versatile. Let’s suppose you did sign your work with a nom de plume.”
“Say, George Chandos.”
“All right. George Chandos. Well, how long would it be, do you think, before paragraphs appeared, announcing to the public, not only of England but of the Channel Islands, that George Chandos was really Jimmy Cloyster?”
“What rot!” I said. “Why the deuce should they want to write paragraphs about me? I’m not a celebrity. You’re talking through your hat, Julian.”
Julian lit his pipe.
“Not at all,” he said. “Count the number of people who must necessarily be in the secret from the beginning. There are your publishers, Prodder and Way. Then there are the editors of the magazine which publishes your Society dialogue bilge, and of all the newspapers, other than the Orb, in which your serious verse appears. My dear Jimmy, the news that you and George Chandos were the same man would go up and down Fleet Street and into the Barrel like wildfire. And after that the paragraphs.”
I saw the truth of his reasoning before he had finished speaking. Once more my spirits fell to the point where they had been before I hit upon what I thought was such a bright scheme.
Julian’s pipe had gone out while he was talking. He lit it again, and spoke through the smoke:
“The weak point of your idea, of course, is that you and George Chandos are a single individual.”
“But why should the editors know that? Why shouldn’t I simply send in my stuff, typed, by post, and never appear myself at all?”
“My dear Jimmy, you know as well as I do that that wouldn’t work. It would do all right for a bit. Then one morning: ‘Dear Mr. Chandos,—I should be glad if you could make it convenient to call here some time between Tuesday and Thursday.—Yours faithfully. Editor of Something-or-other.’ Sooner or later a man who writes at all regularly for the papers is bound to meet the editors of them. A successful author can’t conduct all his business through the post. Of course, if you chucked London and went to live in the country——”
“I couldn’t,” I said. “I simply couldn’t do it. London’s got into my bones.”
“It does,” said Julian.
“I like the country, but I couldn’t live there. Besides, I don’t believe I could write there—not for long. All my ideas would go.”
Julian nodded.
“Just so,” he said. “Then exit George Chandos.”
“My scheme is worthless, you think, then?”
“As you state it, yes.”
“You mean——?” I prompted quickly, clutching at something in his tone which seemed to suggest that he did not consider the matter entirely hopeless.
“I mean this. The weak spot in your idea, as I told you, is that you and George Chandos have the same body. Now, if you could manage to provide George with separate flesh and blood of his own, there’s no reason——”
“By Jove! you’ve hit it. Go on.”
“Listen. Here is my rough draft of what I think might be a sound, working system. How many divisions does your work fall into, not counting the Orb?”
I reflected.
“Well, of course, I do a certain amount of odd work, but lately I’ve rather narrowed it down, and concentrated my output. It seemed to me a better plan than sowing stuff indiscriminately through all the papers in London.”
“Well, how many stunts have you got? There’s your serious verse—one. And your Society stuff—two. Any more?”
“Novels and short stories.”
“Class them together—three. Any more?
“No; that’s all.”
“Very well, then. What you must do is to look about you, and pick carefully three men on whom you can rely. Divide your signed stuff between these three men. They will receive your copy, sign it with their own names, and see that it gets to wherever you want to send it. As far as the editorial world is concerned, and as far as the public is concerned, they will become actually the authors of the manuscripts which you have prepared for them to sign. They will forward you the cheques when they arrive, and keep accounts to which you will have access. I suppose you will have to pay them a commission on a scale to be fixed by mutual arrangement. As regards your unsigned work, there is nothing to prevent your doing that yourself—‘On Your Way,’ I mean, whenever there’s any holiday work going: general articles, and light verse. I say, though, half a moment.”
“Why, what?”
“I’ve thought of a difficulty. The editors who have been taking your stuff hitherto may have a respect for the name of James Orlebar Cloyster which they may not extend to the name of John Smith or George Chandos, or whoever it is. I mean, it’s quite likely the withdrawal of the name will lead to the rejection of the manuscript.”
“Oh no; that’s all right,” I said. “It’s the stuff they want, not the name. I don’t say that names don’t matter. They do. But only if they’re big names. Kipling might get a story rejected if he sent it in under a false name, which they’d have taken otherwise just because he was Kipling. What they want from me is the goods. I can shove any label on them I like. The editor will read my ghosts’ stuff, see it’s what he wants, and put it in. He may say, ‘It’s rather like Cloyster’s style,’ but he’ll certainly add, ‘Anyhow, it’s what I want.’ You can scratch that difficulty, Julian. Any more?”
“I think not. Of course, there’s the objection that you’ll lose any celebrity you might have got. No one’ll say, ‘Oh, Mr. Cloyster, I enjoyed your last book so much!’”
“And no one’ll say, ‘Oh, do you write, Mr. Cloyster? How interesting! What have you written? You must send me a copy.’”
“That’s true. In any case, it’s celebrity against the respite, obscurity against Miss Goodwin. While the system is in operation you will be free but inglorious. You choose freedom? All right, then. Pass the matches.”
