Not George Washington 22 – Westbrook · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Not George Washington 22Part 2 · In the Soup
18
Literature · Humor
Not George Washington 22
Part 2 · In the Soup
WestbrookEnglish
(Sidney Price’s narrative continued)
They give you a small bonus at the “Moon” if you get through a quarter without being late, which just shows the sort of scale on which the “Moon” does things. Cookson, down at the Oxford Street Emporium, gets fined regular when he’s late. Shilling the first hour and twopence every five minutes after. I’ve known gentlemen in banks, railway companies, dry goods, and woollen offices, the Indian trade, jute, tea—every manner of shop—but they all say the same thing, “We are ruled by fear.” It’s fear that drags them out of bed in the morning; it’s fear that makes them bolt, or even miss, their sausages; it’s fear that makes them run to catch their train. But the “Moon’s” method is of a different standard. The “Moon” does not intimidate; no, it entwines itself round, it insinuates itself into, the hearts of its employees. It suggests, in fact, that we should not be late by offering us this small bonus. No insurance office and, up to the time of writing, no other assurance office has been able to boast as much. The same cause is at the bottom of the “Moon’s” high reputation, both inside and outside. It does things in a big way. It’s spacious.
The “Moon’s” timing system is great, too. Great in its simplicity. The regulation says you’ve got to be in the office by ten o’clock. Suppose you arrive with ten minutes to spare. You go into the outer office (there’s only one entrance—the big one in Threadneedle Street) and find on the right-hand side of the circular counter a ledger. The ledger is open: there is blotting-paper and a quill pen beside it. Everyone’s name is written in alphabetical order on the one side of the ledger and on the other side there is a blank page ruled down the middle with a red line. Having made your appearance at ten to ten, you put your initials in a line with your name on the page opposite and to the left of the division. If, on the other hand, you’ve missed your train, and don’t turn up till ten minutes past ten, you’ve got to initial your name on the other side of the red line. In the space on the right of the line, a thick black dash has been drawn by Leach, the cashier. He does this on the last stroke of ten. It makes the page look neat, he says. Which is quite right and proper. I see his point of view entirely. The ledger must look decent in an office like the “Moon.” Tommy Milner agrees with me. He says that not only does it look better, but it prevents unfortunate mistakes on the part of those who come in late. They might forget and initial the wrong side.
After ten the book goes into Mr. Leach’s private partition, and you’ve got to go in there to sign.
It was there when I came into the office on the morning after we’d been to talk business with Mr. Cloyster. It had been there about an hour and a half.
“Lost your bonus, Price, my boy,” said genial Mr. Leach. And the General Manager, Mr. Fennell, who had stepped out of his own room close by, heard him say it.
“I do not imagine that Mr. Price is greatly perturbed on that account. He will, no doubt, shortly be forsaking us for literature. What Commerce loses, Art gains,” said the G.M.
He may have meant to be funny, or he may not. Some of those standing near took him one way, others the other. Some gravely bowed their heads, others burst into guffaws. The G.M. often puzzled his staff in that way. All were anxious to do the right thing by him, but he made it so difficult to tell what the right thing was.
But, as I went down the basement stairs to change my coat in the clerks’ locker-room, I understood from the G.M.’s words how humiliating my position was.
I had always been a booky sort of person. At home it had been a standing joke that, when a boy, I would sooner spend a penny on Tit-Bits than liquorice. And it was true. Not that I disliked liquorice. I liked Tit-Bits better, though. So the thing had gone on. I advanced from Deadwood Dick to Hall Caine and Guy Boothby; and since I had joined the “Moon” I had actually gone a buster and bought Omar Khayyam in the Golden Treasury series. Added to which, I had recently composed a little lyric for a singer at the “Moon’s” annual smoking concert. The lines were topical and were descriptive of our Complete Compensation Policy. Tommy Milner was the vocalist. He sang my composition to a hymn tune. The refrain went:
Come and buy a C.C.Pee-ee!
If you want immunitee-ee
From the accidents which come
Please plank down your premium.
Life is diff’rent, you’ll agree
Repeat When you’ve got a C.C.P.
The Throne Room of the Holborn fairly rocked with applause.
Well, it was shortly afterwards that I had received a visit from Mr. Cloyster—the visit which ended in my agreeing to sign whatever manuscripts he sent me, and forward him all cheques for a consideration of ten per cent. Softest job ever a man had. Easy money. Kudos—I had almost too much of it. Which takes me back to the G.M.’s remark about my leaving the office. Since he’s bought that big house at Regent’s Park he’s done a lot of entertaining at the restaurants. His name’s always cropping up in the “Here and There” column, and naturally he’s a subscriber to the Strawberry Leaf. The G.M. has everything of the best and plenty of it. (You don’t see the G.M. with memo. forms tucked round his cuffs: he wears a clean shirt every morning of his life. All tip-top people have their little eccentricities.) And the Strawberry Leaf, the smartest, goeyest, personalest weekly, is never missing from his drawing-room what-not. Every week it’s there, regular as clockwork. That’s what started my literary reputation among the fellows at the “Moon.” Mr. Cloyster was contributing a series of short dialogues to the Strawberry Leaf—called, “In Town.” These, on publication, bore my own signature. As a matter of fact, I happened to see the G.M. showing the first of the series to Mr. Leach in his private room. I’ve kept it by me, and I don’t wonder the news created a bit of a furore. This was it:——
IN TOWN
BY SIDNEY PRICE
No. I.—THE SECRECY OF THE BALLET
(You are standing under the shelter of the Criterion’s awning. It is 12.30 of a summer’s morning. It is pouring in torrents. A quick and sudden rain storm. It won’t last long, and it doesn’t mean any harm. But what’s sport to it is death to you. You were touring the Circus in a new hat. Brand new. Couldn’t spot your tame cabby. Hadn’t a token. Spied the Cri’s awning. Dashed at it. But it leaks. Not so much as the sky though. Just enough, however, to do your hat no good. You mention this to Friendly Creature with umbrella, and hint that you would like to share that weapon.)
FRIENDLY CREATURE. Can’t give you all, boysie. Mine’s new, too.
YOU. (in your charming way). Well, of course. You wouldn’t be a woman if you hadn’t a new hat.
FRIENDLY CREATURE. Do women always have new hats?
YOU. (edging under the umbrella). Women have new hats. New women have hats.
FRIENDLY CREATURE. Don’t call me a woman, ducky; I’m a lady.
YOU. I must be careful. If I don’t flatter you, you’ll take your umbrella away.
FRIENDLY CREATURE. Coming towards us in that landaulette.
YOU. Looks fit, doesn’t she?
FRIENDLY CREATURE. Her! She’s a blooming rotter.
YOU. Not so loud. She’ll hear you.
FRIENDLY CREATURE (raising her voice). Good job. I want her to. Stumer!
YOU. S-s-s-sh! What are you saying? Matilda’s a duchess now.
FRIENDLY CREATURE. I know.
YOU. But you mustn’t say “Stumer” to a duchess unless——
FRIENDLY CREATURE. Well?
YOU. Unless you’re a duchess yourself?
FRIENDLY CREATURE. I am. At least I was. Only I chucked it.
YOU. But you said you were a lady.
FRIENDLY CREATURE. So I am. An extra lady—front row, second O.P.
YOU. How rude of me. Of course you were a duchess. I know you perfectly. Gorell Barnes said——
FRIENDLY CREATURE. Drop it. What’s the good of the secrecy of the ballet if people are going to remember every single thing about you?
(At this point the rain stops. By an adroit flanking movement you get away without having to buy her a lunch.)
Everyone congratulated me. “Always knew he had it in him,” “Found his vocation,” “A distinctly clever head,” “Reaping in the shekels”—that was the worst part. The “Moon,” to a man, was bent on finding out “how much Sidney Price makes out of his bits in the papers.” Some dropped hints—the G.M., Leach, and the men at the counter. Others, like Tommy Milner, asked slap out. You may be sure I didn’t tell them a fixed sum. But it was hopeless to say I was getting the small sum which my ten per cent. commission worked out at. On the other hand, I dared not pretend I was being paid at the usual rates. I should have gone broke in twenty-four hours. You have no idea how constantly I was given the opportunity of lending five shillings to important members of the “Moon” staff. It struck me then—and I have found out for certain since—that there is a popular anxiety to borrow from a man who earns money by writing. The earnings of a successful writer are, to the common intelligence, something he ought not really to have. And anyone, in default of abstracting his income, may fall back upon taking up his time.
It did, no doubt, appear that I was coining the ready. Besides the Strawberry Leaf, Features, and The Key of the Street were printing my signed contributions in weekly series. The Mayfair, too, had announced on its placards, “A Story in Dialogue, by Sidney Price.”
This, then, was my position on the morning when I was late at the “Moon” and lost my bonus.
Whilst I went up in the lift to the New Business Room, and whilst I was entering the names and addresses of inquirers in the Proposal Book, I was trying to gather courage to meet what was in store.
For the future held this: that my name would disappear from the papers as suddenly as it had arrived there. People would want to know why I had given up writing. “Written himself out,” “No staying power,” “As short-lived as a Barnum monstrosity”: these would be the remarks which would herald ridicule and possibly pity.
And I should be in just the same beastly fix at the “Hollyhocks” as I was at the “Moon.” What would my people say? What would Norah say?
There was another reason, too, why a stoppage of the ten per cent. cheques would be a whack in the eye. You see, I had been doing myself well on them—uncommonly well. I had ordered, as a present to my parents, new furniture for the drawing-room. I had pressed my father to have a small greenhouse put up at my expense. He had always wanted one, but had never been able to run to it. And I had taken Norah about a good deal. Our weekly visit to a matinée (upper circle and ices), followed by tea at the Cabin or Lyons’ Popular, had become an institution. We had gone occasionally to a ball at the Town Hall.
What would Norah say when all this ended abruptly without any explanation?
There was no getting away from it. Sidney Price was in the soup.
