When nice people ask me to their houses for the week-end, I reply that I shall be delighted to come, but that pressure of work will prevent my staying beyond Tuesday. Sometimes, in spite of this, they try to kick me out on the Monday; and if I find that they are serious about it I may possibly consent to go by an evening train. In any case, it always seems to me a pity to have to leave a house just as you are beginning to know your way to the bathroom.
"Is the 9.25 too early for you?" said Charles on Sunday night à propos of nothing that I had said.
"Not if it's in the evening," I answered.
"It's in the morning."
"Then it's much too early. I never travel before breakfast. But why do you ask?"
"Well, I've got to ride over to Newtown to-morrow----"
"To-morrow?" I said in surprise. "Aren't we talking about Tuesday?"
It appeared that we weren't. It also came out that Charles and his wife, not anticipating the pleasure of my company beyond Monday, had arranged to ride over the downs to Newtown to inspect a horse. They would not be back until the evening.
"But that's all right, Charles," I said. "If you have a spare horse, a steady one which doesn't wobble when it canters, I will ride with you."
"There's only the old pony," said Charles, "and he will be wanted to drive you to the station."
"Not until Tuesday," I pointed out.
Charles ignored this remark altogether.
"You couldn't ride Joseph, anyway," he said.
"Then I might run beside you, holding on to your stirrup. My ancestors always went into battle like that. We are still good runners."
Charles turned over some more pages of his timetable.
"There is a 10.41," he announced.
"Just when I shall be getting to like you," I sighed.
"Molly and I have to be off by ten. If you caught the 10.41, you would want to leave here by a quarter past."
"I shouldn't want to leave," I said reproachfully; "I should go with the greatest regret."
"The 9.25, of course, gets you up to town much earlier."
"Some such idea, no doubt, would account for its starting before the 10.41. What have you at about 4.30?"
"If you don't mind changing at Plimton, there's a 10.5----"
I got up and lit my candle.
"Let's wait till to-morrow and see what the weather's like," I said sleepily. "I am not a proud man, but after what you've said, and if it's at all wet, I may actually be glad to catch an early train." And I marched upstairs to bed.
However, a wonderful blue sky next morning made any talk of London utterly offensive. My host and hostess had finished breakfast by the time I got down, and I was just beginning my own when the sound of the horses on the gravel brought me out.
"I'm sorry we've got to dash off like this," said Mrs. Charles, smiling at me from the back of Pompey. "Don't you be in any hurry to go. There are plenty of trains."
"Thank you. It would be a shame to leave the country on a morning like this, wouldn't it? I shall take a stroll over the hills before lunch, and sit about in the garden in the afternoon. There's a train at five, I think."
"We shan't be back by then, I'm afraid, so this will be good-bye."
I made my farewells, and Pompey, who was rather fresh, went off sideways down the drive. This left me alone with Charles.
"Good-bye, Charles," I said, patting him with one hand and his horse with the other. "Don't you bother about me. I shall be quite happy by myself."
He looked at me with a curious smile and was apparently about to say something, when Cæsar suddenly caught sight of my stockings. These, though in reality perfectly tasteful, might well come as a surprise to a young horse, and Cæsar bolted down the drive to tell Pompey about it. I waved to them all from the distance and returned to my breakfast.
After breakfast I lit a pipe and strolled outside. As I stood at the door drinking in the beauty of the morning I was the victim of a curious illusion. It seemed to me that outside the front door was the pony-cart--Joseph in the shafts, the gardener's boy holding the reins, and by the side of the boy my bag!
"We'll only just have time, sir," said the boy.
"But--but I'm going by the five train," I stammered.
"Well, sir, I shall be over at Newtown this afternoon--with the cart."
I did not like to ask him why, but I thought I knew. It was, I told myself, to fetch back the horse which Charles was going over to inspect, the horse to which I had to give up my room that night.
"Very well," I said. "Take the bag now and leave it in the cloak-room. I'll walk in later." What the etiquette was when your host gave you a hint by sending your bag to the station and going away himself, I did not know. But however many bags he packed and however many horses he inspected, I was not to be moved till the five o'clock train.
Half an hour after my bag was gone I made a discovery. It was that, when I started walking to the five o'clock train, I should have to start in pumps....
"My dear Charles," I wrote that night, "it was delightful to see you this week-end, and I only wish I could have stayed with you longer, but, as you know, I had to dash up to town by the five train to inspect a mule. I am sorry to say that a slight accident happened just before I left you. In the general way, when I catch an afternoon train, I like to pack my bag overnight, but on this occasion I did not begin until nine in the morning. This only left me eight hours, and the result was that in my hurry I packed my shoes by mistake, and had to borrow a pair of yours in which to walk to the station. I will bring them down with me next time I come."
I may say that they are unusually good shoes, and if Charles doesn't want me he must at least want them. So I am expecting another invitation by every post. When it arrives I shall reply that I shall be delighted to come, but that, alas! pressure of work will prevent my staying beyond Tuesday.
THE LANDSCAPE GARDENER
Really I know nothing about flowers. By a bit of luck, James, my gardener, whom I pay half a crown a week for combing the beds, knows nothing about them either; so my ignorance remains undiscovered. But in other people's gardens I have to make something of an effort to keep up appearances. Without flattering myself I may say that I have acquired a certain manner; I give the impression of the garden lover, or the man with shares in a seed company, or--or something.
For instance, at Creek Cottage, Mrs. Atherley will say to me, "That's an Amphilobertus Gemini," pointing to something which I hadn't noticed behind a rake.
"I am not a bit surprised," I say calmly.
"And a Gladiophinium Banksii next to it."
"I suspected it," I confess in a hoarse whisper.
Towards flowers whose names I know I adopt a different tone.
"Aren't you surprised to see daffodils out so early?" says Mrs. Atherley with pride.
"There are lots out in London," I mention casually. "In the shops."
"So there are grapes," says Miss Atherley.
"I was not talking about grapes," I reply stiffly.
However, at Creek Cottage just now I can afford to be natural; for it is not gardening which comes under discussion these days, but landscape-gardening, and any one can be an authority on that. The Atherleys, fired by my tales of Sandringham, Chatsworth, Arundel, and other places where I am constantly spending the week-end, are readjusting their two-acre field. In future it will not be called "the garden," but "the grounds."
I was privileged to be shown over the grounds on my last visit to Creek Cottage.
"Here," said Mrs. Atherley, "we are having a plantation. It will keep the wind off; and we shall often sit here in the early days of summer. That's a weeping ash in the middle. There's another one over there. They'll be lovely, you know."
"What's that?" I asked, pointing to a bit of black stick on the left; which, even more than the other trees, gave the impression of having been left there by the gardener while he went for his lunch.
"That's a weeping willow."
"This is rather a tearful corner of the grounds," apologized Miss Atherley. "We'll show you something brighter directly. Look there--that's the oak in which King Charles lay hid. At least, it will be when it's grown a bit."
"Let's go on to the shrubbery," said Mrs. Atherley. "We are having a new grass path from here to the shrubbery. It's going to be called Henry's Walk."
Miss Atherley has a small brother called Henry. Also there were eight Kings of England called Henry. Many a time and oft one of those nine Henrys has paced up and down this grassy walk, his head bent, his hands clasped behind his back; while behind his furrowed brow, who shall say what world-schemes were hatching? Is it the thought of Wolsey which makes him frown--or is he wondering where he left his catapult? Ah! who can tell us? Let us leave a veil of mystery over it ... for the sake of the next visitor.
"The shrubbery," said Mrs. Atherley proudly, waving her hand at a couple of laurel bushes and a--I've forgotten its name now, but it is one of the few shrubs I really know.
"And if you're a gentleman," said Miss Atherley, "and want to get asked here again, you'll always call it the shrubbery."
"Really, I don't see what else you could call it," I said, wishing to be asked down again.
"The patch."
"True," I said. "I mean, Nonsense."
I was rather late for breakfast next morning; a pity on such a lovely spring day.
"I'm so sorry," I began, "but I was looking at the shrubbery from my window and I quite forgot the time."
"Good," said Miss Atherley.
"I must thank you for putting me in such a perfect room for it," I went on, warming to my subject. "One can actually see the shrubs--er--shrubbing. The plantation, too, seems a little thicker to me than yesterday."
"I expect it is."
"In fact, the tennis lawn----" I looked round anxiously. I had a sudden fear that it might be the new deer-park. "It still is the tennis lawn?" I asked.
"Yes. Why, what about it?"
"I was only going to say the tennis lawn had quite a lot of shadows on it. Oh, there's no doubt that the plantation is really asserting itself."
Eleven o'clock found me strolling in the grounds with Miss Atherley.
"You know," I said, as we paced Henry's Walk together, "the one thing the plantation wants is for a bird to nest in it. That is the hall-mark of a plantation."
"It's mother's birthday to-morrow. Wouldn't it be a lovely surprise for her?"
"It would, indeed. Unfortunately this is a matter in which you require the co-operation of a feathered friend."
"Couldn't you try to persuade a bird to build a nest in the weeping ash? Just for this once?"
"You're asking me a very difficult thing," I said doubtfully. "Anything else I would do cheerfully for you; but to dictate to a bird on such a very domestic affair---- No, I'm afraid I must refuse."
"It need only just begin to build one," pleaded Miss Atherley, "because mother's going up to town by your train to-morrow. As soon as she's out of the house the bird can go back anywhere else it likes better."
"I will put that to any bird I see to-day," I said, "but I am doubtful."
"Oh, well," sighed Miss Atherley, "never mind."
"What do you think?" cried Mrs. Atherley as she came in to breakfast next day. "There's a bird been nesting in the plantation!"
Miss Atherley looked at me in undisguised admiration. I looked quite surprised--I know I did.
"Well, well!" I said.
"You must come out afterwards and see the nest and tell me what bird it is. There are three eggs in it. I am afraid I don't know much about these things."
"I'm glad," I said thankfully. "I mean, I shall be glad to."
We went out eagerly after breakfast. On about the only tree in the plantation with a fork to it a nest balanced precariously. It had in it three pale-blue eggs splotched with light brown. It appeared to be a blackbird's nest with another egg or two to come.
"It's been very quick about it," said Miss Atherley.
"Of our feathered bipeds," I said, frowning at her, "the blackbird is notoriously the most hasty."
"Isn't it lovely?" said Mrs. Atherley.
She was still talking about it as she climbed into the trap which was to take us to the station.
"One moment," I said, "I've forgotten something." I dashed into the house and out by a side door, and then sprinted for the plantation. I took the nest from the weeping and over-weighted ash and put it carefully back in the hedge by the tennis-lawn. Then I returned more leisurely to the house.
If you ever want a job of landscape-gardening thoroughly well done, you can always rely upon me.
THE SAME OLD STORY
We stood in a circle round the parrot's cage and gazed with interest at its occupant. She (Evangeline) was balancing easily on one leg, while with the other leg and her beak she tried to peel a monkey-nut. There are some of us who hate to be watched at meals, particularly when dealing with the dessert, but Evangeline is not of our number.
"There," said Mrs. Atherley, "isn't she a beauty?"
I felt that, as the last to be introduced, I ought to say something.
"What do you say to a parrot?" I whispered to Miss Atherley.
"Have a banana," suggested Reggie.
"I believe you say, 'Scratch-a-poll,'" said Miss Atherley, "but I don't know why."
"Isn't that rather dangerous? Suppose it retorted 'Scratch your own,' I shouldn't know a bit how to go on."
"It can't talk," said Reggie. "It's quite a baby--only seven months old. But it's no good showing it your watch; you must think of some other way of amusing it."
"Break it to me, Reggie. Have I been asked down solely to amuse the parrot, or did any of you others want to see me?"
"Only the parrot," said Reggie.
Evangeline paid no attention to us. She continued to wrestle with the monkey-nut. I should say that she was a bird not easily amused.
"Can't it really talk at all?" I asked Mrs. Atherley.
"Not yet. You see, she's only just come over from South America, and isn't used to the climate yet."
"But that's just the person you'd expect to talk a lot about the weather. I believe you've been had. Write a little note to the poulterers and ask if you can change it. You've got a bad one by mistake."
"We got it as a bird," said Mrs. Atherley with dignity, "not as a gramophone."
The next morning Evangeline was as silent as ever. Miss Atherley and I surveyed it after breakfast. It was still grappling with a monkey-nut, but no doubt a different one.
"Isn't it ever going to talk?" I asked. "Really, I thought parrots were continually chatting."
"Yes, but they have to be taught--just like you teach a baby."
"Are you sure? I quite see that you have to teach them any special things you want them to say, but I thought they were all born with a few simple obvious remarks, like 'Poor Polly,' or--or 'Dash Lloyd George.'"
"I don't think so," said Miss Atherley. "Not the green ones."
At dinner that evening, Mr. Atherley being now with us, the question of Evangeline's education was seriously considered.
"The only proper method," began Mr. Atherley----"By the way," he said, turning to me, "you don't know anything about parrots, do you?"
"No," I said. "You can go on quite safely."
"The only proper method of teaching a parrot--I got this from a man in the City this morning--is to give her a word at a time, and to go on repeating it over and over again until she's got hold of it."
"And after that the parrot goes on repeating it over and over again until you've got sick of it," said Reggie.
"Then we shall have to be very careful what word we choose," said Mrs. Atherley.
"What is your favourite word?"
"Well, really----"
"Animal, vegetable, or mineral?" asked Archie.
"This is quite impossible. Every word by itself seems so silly."
"Not 'home' and 'mother,'" I said reproachfully.
"You shall recite your little piece in the drawing-room afterwards," said Miss Atherley to me. "Think of something sensible now."
"Yes," said Mrs. Atherley. "What's the latest word from London?"
"Kikuyu."
"What?"
"I can't say it again," I protested.
"If you can't even say it twice, it's no good for Evangeline."
A thoughtful silence fell upon us.
"Have you fixed on a name for her yet?" Miss Atherley asked her mother.
"Evangeline, of course."
"No, I mean a name for her to call you. Because if she's going to call you 'Auntie' or 'Darling,' or whatever you decide on, you'd better start by teaching her that."
And then I had a brilliant idea.
"I've got the very word," I said. "It's 'hallo.' You see, it's a pleasant form of greeting to any stranger, and it will go perfectly with the next word that she's taught, whatever it may be."
"Why not? 'Hallo, Sardine' is the perfect title for a revue. Witty, subtle, neat--probably the great brain of the Revue King has already evolved it, and is planning the opening scene."
"Yes, 'hallo' isn't at all bad," said Mr. Atherley. "Anyway, it's better than 'Poor Polly,' which is simply morbid. Let's fix on 'hallo.'"
"Good," said Mrs. Atherley.
Evangeline said nothing, being asleep under her blanket.
I was down first next morning, having forgotten to wind up my watch overnight. Longing for company, I took the blanket off Evangeline's cage and introduced her to the world again. She stirred sleepily, opened her eyes and blinked at me.
"Hallo, Evangeline," I said.
She made no reply.
Suddenly a splendid scheme occurred to me. I would teach Evangeline her word now. How it would surprise the others when they came down and said "Hallo" to her, to find themselves promptly answered back!
"Evangeline," I said, "listen. Hallo, hallo, hallo, hallo." I stopped a moment and went on more slowly. "Hallo--hallo--hallo."
It was dull work.
"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo--hallo," and then very distinctly, "Hal-lo."
Evangeline looked at me with an utterly bored face.
"Hallo," I said, "hallo--hallo."
She picked up a monkey-nut and ate it languidly.
"Hallo," I went on, "hallo, hallo ... hallo, hallo, HALLO, HALLO ... hallo, hallo----"
She dropped her nut and roused herself for a moment.
"Number engaged," she snapped, and took another nut.
You needn't believe this. The others didn't when I told them.
THE SPREADING WALNUT TREE
We were having breakfast in the garden with the wasps, and Peter was enlarging on the beauties of the country round his new week-end cottage.
"Then there's Hilderton," he said; "that's a lovely little village, I'm told. We might explore it to-morrow."
Celia woke up suddenly.
"Is Hilderton near here?" she asked in surprise. "But I often stayed there when I was a child."
"This was years ago, when Edward the Seventh was on the throne," I explained to Mrs. Peter.
"My grandfather," went on Celia, "lived at Hilderton Hall."
There was an impressive silence.
"You see the sort of people you're entertaining," I said airily to Peter. "My wife's grandfather lived at Hilderton Hall. Celia, you should have spoken about this before. It would have done us a lot of good in Society." I pushed my plate away. "I can't go on eating bacon after this. Bring me peaches."
"I should love to see it again."
"If I'd had my rights," I said, "I should be living there now. I must put my solicitor on to this. There's been foul play somewhere."
Peter looked up from one of the maps which, being new to the country, he carries with him.
"I can't find Hilderton Hall here," he said. "It's six inches to the mile, so it ought to be marked."
"Celia, our grandfather's name is being aspersed. Let us look into this."
We crowded round the map and studied it anxiously. Hilderton was there, and Hilderton House, but no Hilderton Hall.
"But it's a great big place," protested Celia.
"I see what it is," I said regretfully. "Celia, you were young then."
"Ten."
"Ten. And naturally it seemed big to you, just as Yarrow seemed big to Wordsworth, and a shilling seems a lot to a baby. But really----"
"Really," said Peter, "it was semi-detached."
"And your side was called Hilderton Hall and the other side Hilderton Castle."
"I don't believe it was even called Hilderton Hall," said Peter. "It was Hilderton Villa."
"I don't believe she ever had a grandfather at all," said Mrs. Peter.
"She must have had a grandfather," I pointed out. "But I'm afraid he never lived at Hilderton Hall. This is a great blow to me, and I shall now resume my bacon."
I drew my plate back and Peter returned his map to his pocket.
"You're all very funny," said Celia, "but I know it was Hilderton Hall. I've a good mind to take you there this morning and show it to you."
"Do," said Peter and I eagerly.
"It's a great big place----"
"That's what we're coming to see," I reminded her.
"Of course they may have sold some of the land, or--I mean, I know when I used to stay there it was a--a great big place. I can't promise that it----"
"It's no good now, Celia," I said sternly. "You shouldn't have boasted."
Hilderton was four miles off, and we began to approach it--Celia palpably nervous--at about twelve o'clock that morning.
"Are you recognizing any of this?" asked Peter.
"N-no. You see I was only about eight----"
"You must recognise the church," I said, pointing to it. "If you don't, it proves either that you never lived at Hilderton or that you never sang in the choir. I don't know which thought is the more distressing. Now what about this place? Is this it?"
Celia peered up the drive.
"N-no; at least I don't remember it. I know there was a walnut tree in front of the house."
"Is that all you remember?"
"Well, I was only about six----"
Peter and I both had a slight cough at the same time.
"It's nothing," said Peter, finding Celia's indignant eye upon him. "Let's go on."
We found two more big houses, but Celia, a little doubtfully, rejected them both.
"My grandfather-in-law was very hard to please," I apologized to Peter. "He passed over place after place before he finally fixed on Hilderton Hall. Either the heronry wasn't ventilated properly, or the decoy ponds had the wrong kind of mud, or----"
There was a sudden cry from Celia.
"This is it," she said.
She stood at the entrance to a long drive. A few chimneys could be seen in the distance. On either side of the gates was a high wall.
"I don't see the walnut tree," I said.
"Of course not, because you can't see the front of the house. But I feel certain that this is the place."
"We want more proof than that," said Peter. "We must go in and find the walnut tree."
"We can't all wander into another man's grounds looking for walnut trees," I said, "with no better excuse than that Celia's great-grandmother was once asked down here for the week-end and stayed for a fortnight. We----"
"My grandfather," said Celia coldly, "lived here."
"Well, whatever it was," I said, "we must invent a proper reason. Peter, you might pretend you've come to inspect the gas-meter or the milk or something. Or perhaps Celia had better disguise herself as a Suffragette and say that she's come to borrow a box of matches. Anyhow, one of us must get to the front of the house to search for this walnut tree."
"It--it seems rather cheek," said Celia doubtfully.
"We'll toss up who goes."
We tossed, and of course I lost. I went up the drive nervously. At the first turn I decided to be an insurance inspector, at the next a scout-master, but, as I approached the front door, I thought of a very simple excuse. I rang the bell under the eyes of several people at lunch and looked about eagerly for the walnut tree.
There was none.
"Does Mr.--er--Erasmus--er--Percival live here?" I asked the footman.
"No, sir," he said--luckily.
"Ah! Was there ever a walnut--I mean was there ever a Mr. Percival who lived here? Ah! Thank you," and I sped down the drive again.
"Well?" said Celia eagerly.
"Mr. Percival doesn't live there."
"Whoever's Mr. Percival?"
"Oh, I forgot; you don't know him. Friends," I added solemnly, "I regret to tell you there is no walnut tree."
"I am not surprised," said Peter.
The walk home was a silent one. For the rest of the day Celia was thoughtful. But at the end of dinner she brightened up a little and joined in the conversation.
"At Hilderton Hall," she said suddenly, "we always----"
"H'r'm," I said, clearing my throat loudly. "Peter, pass Celia the walnuts."
I have had great fun in London this week with the walnut joke, though Celia says she is getting tired of it. But I had a letter from Peter to-day which ended like this:--
"By the way, I was an ass last week. I took you to Banfield in mistake for Hilderton. I went to Hilderton yesterday and found Hilderton Hall--a large place with a walnut tree. It's a little way out of the village, and is marked big on the next section of the map to the one we were looking at. You might tell Celia."
True, I might....
Perhaps in a week or two I shall.
DEFINITIONS
As soon as we had joined the ladies after dinner Gerald took up a position in front of the fire.
"Now that the long winter evenings are upon us," he began----
"Anyhow, it's always dark at half-past nine," said Norah.
"Not in the morning," said Dennis, who has to be excused for anything foolish he says since he became obsessed with golf.
"Please don't interrupt," I begged. "Gerald is making a speech."
"I was only going to say that we might have a little game of some sort. Norah, what's the latest parlour game from London?"
"Tell your uncle," I urged, "how you amuse yourselves at the Lyceum."
"Do you know 'Hunt the Pencil'?"
"No. What do you do?"
"You collect five pencils; when you've got them, I'll tell you another game."
"Bother these pencil games," said Dennis, taking an imaginary swing with a paper-knife. "I hope it isn't too brainy."
"You'll want to know how to spell," said Norah severely, and she went to the writing-desk for some paper.
In a little while--say, half an hour--we had each a sheet of paper and a pencil, and Norah was ready to explain.
"It's called Definitions. I expect you all know it."
We assured her we didn't.
"Well, you begin by writing down five or six letters, one underneath the other. We might each suggest one. 'E.'"
We weighed in with ours, and the result was E P A D U.
"Now you write them backwards."
There was a moment's consternation.
"Like 'bath-mat'?" said Dennis. "An 'e' backwards looks so silly."
"Stupid--like this," explained Norah. She showed us her paper.
E U
P D
A A
D P
U E
"This is thrilling," said Mrs. Gerald, pencilling hard.
"Then everybody has to fill in words all the way down, your first word beginning with 'e' and ending with 'u,' and so on. See?"
Gerald leant over Dennis and explained carefully to him, and in a little while we all saw.
"Then, when everybody's finished, we define our words in turn, and the person who guesses a word first gets a mark. That's all."
"And a very good game too," I said, and I rubbed my head and began to think.
"Of course," said Norah, after a quarter of an hour's silence, "you want to make the words difficult and define them as subtly as possible."
"Of course," I said, wrestling with 'E--U.' I could only think of one word, and it was the one everybody else was certain to have.
"Are we all ready? Then somebody begin."
"You'd better begin, Norah, as you know the game," said Mrs. Gerald.
We prepared to begin.
"Mine," said Norah, "is a bird."
"Emu," we all shouted; but I swear I was first.
"Yes."
"I don't think that's a very subtle definition," said Dennis. "You promised to be as subtle as possible."
"Go on, dear," said Gerald to his wife.
"Well, this is rather awkward. Mine is----"
"Emu," I suggested.
"You must wait till she has defined it," said Norah sternly.
"Mine is a sort of feathered animal."
"Emu," I said again. In fact, we all said it.
Gerald coughed. "Mine," he said, "isn't exactly a--fish, because it----"
"Emu," said everybody.
"That was subtler," said Dennis, "but it didn't deceive us."
"Your turn," said Norah to me. And they all leant forward ready to say "Emu."
"Mine," I said, "is--all right, Dennis, you needn't look so excited--is a word I once heard a man say at the Zoo."
There was a shriek of "Emu!"
"Wrong," I said.
Everybody was silent.
"Where did he say it?" asked Norah at last. "What was he doing?"
"He was standing outside the Emu's cage."
"It must have been Emu."
"It wasn't."
"Perhaps there's another animal beginning with 'e' and ending with 'u,'" suggested Dennis. "He might have said,'Look here, I'm tired of this old Emu, let's go and see the E-doesn't-mu,' or whatever it's called."
"We shall have to give it up," said Norah at last. "What is it?"
"Ebu," I announced. "My man had a bad cold, and he said, 'Look, Baria, there's ad Ebu.' Er--what do I get for that?"
"Nothing," said Norah coldly. "It isn't fair. Now, Mr. Dennis."
"Mine is not Emu, and it couldn't be mistaken for Emu; not even if you had a sore throat and a sprained ankle. And it has nothing to do with the Zoo, and----"
"Well, what is it?"
"It's what you say at golf when you miss a short putt."
"I doubt it," I said.
"Not what Gerald says," said his wife.
"Well, it's what you might say. What Horace would have said."
"'Eheu'--good," said Gerald, while his wife was asking "Horace who?"
We moved on to the next word, P--D.
"Mine," said Norah, "is what you might do to a man whom you didn't like, but it's a delightful thing to have and at the same time you would hate to be in it."
"Are you sure you know what you are talking about, dear?" said Mrs. Gerald gently.
"Quite," said Norah with the confidence of extreme youth.
"Could you say it again very slowly," asked Dennis, "indicating by changes in the voice which character is speaking?"
She said it again.
"'Pound,'" said Gerald. "Good--one to me."
Mrs. Gerald had "pod," Gerald had "pond"; but they didn't define them very cleverly and they were soon guessed. Mine, unfortunately, was also guessed at once.
"It is what Dennis's golf is," I said.
"'Putrid,'" said Gerald correctly.
"Mine," said Dennis, "is what everybody has two of."
"Then it's not 'pound,'" I said, "because I've only got one and ninepence."
"At least, it's best to have two. Sometimes you lose one. They're very useful at golf. In fact, absolutely necessary."
"Have you got two?"
"Yes."
I looked at Dennis's enormous hands spread out on his knees.
"Is it 'pud'?" I asked. "It is? Are those the two? Good heavens!" and I gave myself a mark.
A--A was the next, and we had the old Emu trouble.
"Mine," said Norah--"mine is rather a meaningless word."
"'Abracadabra,'" shouted everybody.
"Mine," said Miss Gerald, "is a very strange word, which----"
"'Abracadabra,'" shouted everybody.
"Mine," said Gerald, "is a word which used to be----"
"'Abracadabra,'" shouted everybody.
"Mine," I said to save trouble, "is 'Abracadabra.'"
"Mine," said Dennis, "isn't. It's what you say at golf when----"
"Oh lor!" I groaned. "Not again."
"When you hole a long putt for a half."
"You generally say, 'What about that for a good putt, old thing? Thirty yards at least,'" suggested Gerald.
"No."
"Is it--is it 'Alleluia'?" suggested Mrs. Gerald timidly.
"Yes."
"Dennis," I said, "you're an ass."
"And now," said Norah at the end of the game, "who's won?"
They counted up their marks.
"Ten," said Norah.
"Fifteen," said Gerald.
"Three," said his wife.
"Fourteen," said Dennis.
They looked at me.
"I'm afraid I forgot to put all mine down," I said, "but I can easily work it out. There were five words, and five definitions of each word. Twenty-five marks to be gained altogether. You four have got--er--let's see--forty-two between you. That leaves me----"
"That leaves you minus seventeen," said Dennis. "I'm afraid you've lost, old man." He took up the shovel and practised a few approach shots. "It's rather a good game."
I think so too. It's a good game, but, like all paper games, its scoring wants watching.
A BILLIARD LESSON
I was showing Celia a few fancy strokes on the billiard-table. The other members of the house-party were in the library, learning their parts for some approaching theatricals--that is to say, they were sitting round the fire and saying to each other, "This is a rotten play." We had been offered the position of auditors to several of the company, but we were going to see Parsifal on the next day, and I was afraid that the constant excitement would be bad for Celia.
"Why don't you ask me to play with you?" she asked. "You never teach me anything."
"There's ingratitude. Why, I gave you your first lesson at golf only last Thursday."
"So you did. I know golf. Now show me billiards."
I looked at my watch.
"We've only twenty minutes. I'll play you thirty up."
"Right-o. What do you give me--a ball or a bisque or what?"
"I can't spare you a ball, I'm afraid. I shall want all three when I get going. You may have fifteen start, and I'll tell you what to do."
"Well, what do I do first?"
"Select a cue."
She went over to the rack and inspected them.
"This seems a nice brown one. Now then, you begin."
"Celia, you've got the half-butt. Put it back and take a younger one."
"I thought it seemed taller than the others." She took another. "How's this? Good. Then off you go."
"Will you be spot or plain?" I said, chalking my cue.
"Does it matter?"
"Not very much. They're both the same shape."
"Then what's the difference?"
"Well, one is more spotted than the other."
"Then I'll be less spotted."
I went to the table.
"I think," I said, "I'll try and screw in off the red." (I did this once by accident and I've always wanted to do it again.) "Or perhaps," I corrected myself, as soon as the ball had left me, "I had better give a safety miss."
I did. My ball avoided the red and came swiftly back into the left-hand bottom pocket.
"That's three to you," I said without enthusiasm.
Celia seemed surprised.
"But I haven't begun yet," she said. "Well, I suppose you know the rules, but it seems funny. What would you like me to do?"
"Well, there isn't much on. You'd better just try and hit the red ball."
"Right." She leant over the table and took long and careful aim. I held my breath.... Still she aimed.... Then, keeping her chin on the cue, she slowly turned her head and looked up at me with a thoughtful expression.
"Oughtn't there to be three balls on the table?" she said, wrinkling her forehead.
"No," I answered shortly.
"But why not?"
"Because I went down by mistake."
"But you said that when you got going, you wanted---- I can't argue bending down like this." She raised herself slowly. "You said---- Oh, all right, I expect you know. Anyhow, I have scored some already, haven't I?"
"Yes. You're eighteen to my nothing."
"Yes. Well, now I shall have to aim all over again." She bent slowly over her cue. "Does it matter where I hit the red?"
"Not much. As long as you hit it on the red part."
She hit it hard on the side, and both balls came into baulk.
"Too good," I said.
"Does either of us get anything for it?"
"No." The red and the white were close together, and I went up the table and down again on the off-chance of a cannon. I misjudged it, however.
"That's three to you," I said stiffly, as I took my ball out of the right-hand bottom pocket. "Twenty-one to nothing."
"Funny how I'm doing all the scoring," said Celia meditatively. "And I've practically never played before. I shall hit the red hard now and see what happens to it."
She hit, and the red coursed madly about the table, coming to rest near the top right-hand pocket and close to the cushion. With a forcing shot I could get in.
"This will want a lot of chalk," I said pleasantly to Celia, and gave it plenty. Then I let fly....
"Why did that want a lot of chalk?" said Celia with interest.
I went to the fire-place and picked my ball out of the fender.
"That's three to you," I said coldly. "Twenty-four to nothing."
"Am I winning?"
"You're leading," I explained. "Only, you see, I may make a twenty at any moment."
"Oh!" She thought this over. "Well, I may make my three at any moment."
She chalked her cue and went over to her ball.
"What shall I do?"
"Just touch the red on the right-hand side," I said, "and you'll go into the pocket."
"The right-hand side? Do you mean my right-hand side, or the ball's?"
"The right-hand side of the ball, of course; that is to say, the side opposite your right hand."
"But its right-hand side is opposite my left hand, if the ball is facing this way."
"Take it," I said wearily, "that the ball has its back to you."
"How rude of it," said Celia, and hit it on the left-hand side, and sank it. "Was that what you meant?"
"Well ... it's another way of doing it."
"I thought it was. What do I give you for that?"
"You get three."
"Oh, I thought the other person always got the marks. I know the last three times----"
"Go on," I said freezingly. "You have another turn."
"Oh, is it like rounders?"
"Something. Go on, there's a dear. It's getting late."
She went, and left the red over the middle pocket.
"A-ha!" I said. I found a nice place in the "D" for my ball. "Now then. This is the Gray stroke, you know."
I suppose I was nervous. Anyhow, I just nicked the red ball gently on the wrong side and left it hanging over the pocket. The white travelled slowly up the table.
"Why is that called the grey stroke?" asked Celia with great interest.
"Because once, when Sir Edward Grey was playing the German Ambassador--but it's rather a long story. I'll tell you another time."
"Oh! Well, anyhow, did the German Ambassador get anything for it?"
"No."
"Then I suppose I don't. Bother."
"But you've only got to knock the red in for game."
"Oh!... There, what's that?"
"That's a miss-cue. I get one."
"Oh!... Oh well," she added magnanimously, "I'm glad you've started scoring. It will make it more interesting for you."
There was just room to creep in off the red, leaving it still over the pocket. With Celia's ball nicely over the other pocket there was a chance of my twenty break. "Let's see," I said, "how many do I want?"
