The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.) 6 – Anonymous · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.) 6Chapter 3
18
Literature · Humor
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume II. (of X.) 6
Chapter 3
AnonymousEnglish
It took Seffy a long time to array himself as he had threatened. And when it was all done you wouldn't have known him--you wouldn't have cared to know him. For his fine yellow hair was changed to an ugly brown by the patent hair-oil with which he had dressed it--and you would not have liked its fragrance, I trust. Bergamot, I think it was. His fine young throat was garroted within a starched standing collar, his feet were pinched in creaking boots, his hands close-gauntleted in buckskin gloves, and he altogether incomparable, uncomfortable, and triumphant.
Down stairs his father paced the floor, watch in hand. From time to time he would call out the hour, like a watchman on a minaret. At last:
"Look a-yere, Seffy, it's about two inches apast seven--and by the time you git there--say, nefer gif another feller a chance to git there afore you or to leave after you!"
Seffy descended at that moment with his hat poised in his left hand.
His father dropped his watch and picked it up.
Both stood at gaze for a moment.
"Sunder, Sef! You as beautiful as the sun, moon and stars--and as stinky as seferal apothecary shops. Yere, take the watch and git along--so's you haf some time wiss you--now git along! You late a'ready. Goshens! You wass behind time when you wass born! Yas, your mammy wass disapp'inted in you right at first. You wass seventy-six hours late! But now you reformed--sank God! I always knowed it wass a cure for it, but I didn't know it wass anysing as nice as Sally."
Seffy issued forth to his first conquest--lighted as far as the front gate by the fat lamp held in his father's hand.
"A--Sef--Seffy, shall I set up for you tell you git home?" he called into the dark.
"No!" shouted Seffy.
"Aha--aha--aha! That sounds right! Don't you forgit when you bose--well--comfortable--aha--aha! Mebby on one cheer aha--ha-ha. And we'll bose take the fence down to-morrow. Mebby all three!"
AN ARCHÆOLOGICAL CONGRESS
BY ROBERT J. BURDETTE
"'There's none can tell about my birth
For I'm as old as the big round earth;
Ye young Immortals clear the track,
I'm the bearded Joke on the Carpet tack."
Thus spoke
A Joke
With boastful croak;
And as he said,
Upon his head
He stood, and waited for the tread
Of thoughtless wight,
Who, in the night,
Gets up, arrayed in garments white,
And indiscreet,
With unshod feet,
Prowls round for something good to eat.
But other Jokes
His speech provokes;
And old, and bald, and lame, and gray,
With loftiest scorn they say him Nay;
And bid him hold his unweaned tongue,
For they were blind ere he was young.
So hot
They grew,
This complot
Crew,
They laid a plan
To catch a Man;
That all the clan
Might then trepan
His skull with Jokes; they thus began:
First Mule, his heel its skill to try,
Amid his ribs like lightning laid--
And back recoiled--he well knew why;
"Insurance Man," he faintly sayed.
Next Stove Pipe rushed, as hot as fire,
"Put up!" he cried, in accents bold;
With Elbow joint he struck the lyre,
And knocked the Weather Prophet cold.
But thou, Ice Cream, with hair so gray,
Three thousand years before the Flood,
Cold, bitter cold, will be the day
Thou dost not warm the Jester's blood.
"Spoons for the spooney," was her ancient song,
That with slow measure dragged its deathless length along.
And longer had she sung, but with a frown,
Old Pie, impatient, rose
And roared, "Behold, I am the Funny Clown!
And without me there is no Joke that goes.
"To every Jester in the land,
I lend my omnipresent hand;
I've filled in Jokes of every grade
Since ever Jokes and Pies were made;
Sewed, pegged and pasted, glued or cast,
If not the first of Jokes, I'll be the last."
With heart unripe and mottled hide,
Pale summer watermeloncholly sighed,
And--but the Muse would find it vain
To give a list of all the train;
The hairless, purblind, toothless crew,
That burst on Man's astonished view--
The Bull dog and the Garden gate;
The Girl's Papa in wrathful state;
Ma'ma in law; the Leathern Clam;
The Woodshed Cat; the Rampant Ram;
The Fly, the Goat, the Skating Rink,
The Paste-brush plunging in the Ink;
The Baby wailing in the Dark;
The Songs they sang upon the Ark;
Things that were old when Earth was new,
And as they lived still old and older grew,
And as these Jokes about him cried,
And all their Ancient Arts upon him tried,
Their hapless victim, Man, lay down and died.
A BOY'S VIEW OF IT
BY FRANK L. STANTON
Mother--she's always a-sayin', she is,
Boys must be looked after--got to be strict;
When I tear my breeches like Billy tears his,
It helps 'em considerable when I am licked!
But it ain't leapin' over the fence or the post--
It's jest that same lickin' 'at tears 'em the most!
Mother--she's always a-sayin' to me,
Boys must have people to foller 'em roun';
Never kin tell where they're goin' to be;
Sure to git lost, an' then have to be foun'.
An' then--when they find 'em, they're so full of joy
They can't keep from lovin' an' lickin' the boy!
There's Jimmy Johnson--got lost on the road;
Daddy wuz drivin' to market one day,
Fell out the wagon, an' nobody knowed
Till they come to a halt, an' his daddy said: "Hey!
Wonder where Jimmy is gone to?" But Jim--
Warn't no two hosses could keep up with him!
Jest kept a-goin', an' got to a place
Where wuz a circus; took up with the clown,
Cut off his ringlets and painted his face,
An' then come right back to his daddy's own town!
An' what do you reckon? His folks didn't know,
An' paid to see Jimmy that night in the show!
An' there's Billy Jenkins--he jest run away
(Folks at his house wuzn't treatin' him right);
Went to the place where the red Injuns stay;
An' once, when his daddy wuz travelin' at night
An' the Injuns took after him, hollerin' loud,
Bill run to his rescue, an' scalped the whole crowd!
No use in talkin'--boys don't have no show!
Wuzn't fer people a-follerin' 'em roun',
Jest ain't no tellin' how fast they would grow;
Bet you they'd fool everybody in town!
But mother--she says they need lickin', an' so
They're too busy hollerin' to git up an' grow!
"RINGWORM FRANK"
BY JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY
Jest Frank Reed's his real name--though
Boys all calls him "Ringworm Frank,"
'Cause he allus runs round so.--
No man can't tell where to bank
Frank'll be,
Next you see
Er hear of him!--Drat his melts!--
That man's allus somers else!
We're old pards.--But Frank he jest
Can't stay still!--Wuz prosper'n here,
But lit out on furder West
Somers on a ranch, last year:
Never heard
Nary a word
How he liked it, tel to-day,
Got this card, reads thisaway:--
"Dad-burn climate out here makes
Me homesick all Winter long,
And when Springtime comes, it takes
Two pee-wees to sing one song,--
One sings 'pee'
And the other one 'wee!'
Stay right where you air, old pard.--
Wisht I wuz this postal-card!"
THE COLONEL'S CLOTHES
BY CAROLINE HOWARD GILMAN
Every man has some peculiar taste or preference, and, I think, though papa dressed with great elegance, his was a decided love of his old clothes; his garments, like his friends, became dearer to him from their wear and tear in his service, and they were deposited successively in his dressing-room, though mamma thought them quite unfit for him. He averred that he required his old hunting-suits for accidents; his summer jackets and vests, though faded, were the coolest in the world; his worm-eaten but warm roquelaure was admirable for riding about the fields, etc. In vain mamma represented the economy of cutting up some for the boys, and giving others to the servants; he would not consent, nor part with articles in which he said he felt at home. Often did mamma remonstrate against the dressing-room's looking like a haberdasher's shop; often did she take down a coat, hold it up to the light, and show him perforations that would have honored New Orleans or Waterloo; often, while Chloe was flogging the pantaloons, which ungallantly kicked in return, did she declare that it was a sin and a shame for her master to have such things in the house; still the anti-cherubic shapes accumulated on the nails and hooks, and were even considered as of sufficient importance to be preserved from the fire at the burning of Roseland.
Our little circle about this time was animated by a visit from a peddler. As soon as he was perceived crossing the lawn with a large basket on his arm, and a bundle slung across a stick on his shoulder, a stir commenced in the house. Mamma assumed an air of importance and responsibility; I felt a pleasurable excitement; Chloe's and Flora's eyes twinkled with expectation; while, from different quarters, the house servants entered, standing with eyes and mouth silently open, as the peddler, after depositing his basket and deliberately untying his bundle, offered his goods to our inspection. He was a stout man, with a dark complexion, pitted with the small-pox, and spoke in a foreign accent. I confess that I yielded myself to the pleasure of purchasing some gewgaws, which I afterward gave to Flora, while mamma looked at the glass and plated ware.
"Ver sheap," said the peddler, following her eye, and taking up a pair of glass pitchers; "only two dollar--sheap as dirt. If te lady hash any old closhes, it is petter as money."
Mamma took the pitchers in her hand with an inquisitorial air, balanced them, knocked them with her small knuckles--they rang as clear as a bell--examined the glass--there was not a flaw in it. Chloe went through the same process; they looked significantly at each other, nodded, set the pitchers on the slab, and gave a little approbatory cough.
"They are certainly very cheap," said mamma, tentatively.
"They is, for true, my mistress," said Chloe, with solemnity, "and more handsomer than Mrs. Whitney's that she gin six dollars for at Charleston."
"Chloe," said mamma, "were not those pantaloons you were shaking to-day quite shrunk and worn out?"
"Yes, ma'am," said she; "and they don't fit nohow. The last time the colonel wore them he seemed quite on-restless."
"Just step up," said her mistress, "and bring them down; but stay--what did you say was the price of these candlesticks, sir?"
"Tish only von dollars; but tish more cheaper for te old closhes. If te lady will get te old closhes, I will put in te pellows and te prush, and it ish more sheaper, too."
Chloe and mamma looked at each other, and raised their eyebrows.
"I will just step up and see those pantaloons," said mamma, in a consulting tone. "It will be a mercy to the colonel to clear out some of that rubbish. I am confident he can never wear the pantaloons again; they are rubbed in the knees, and require seating, and he never will wear seated pantaloons. These things are unusually cheap, and the colonel told me lately we were in want of a few little matters of this sort." Thus saying, with a significant whisper to me to watch the peddler, she disappeared with Chloe.
They soon returned, Chloe bearing a variety of garments, for mamma had taken the important premier pas. The pantaloons were first produced. The peddler took them in his hand, which flew up like an empty scale, to show how light they were; he held them up to the sun, and a half contemptuous smile crossed his lips; then shaking his head, he threw them down beside his basket. A drab overcoat was next inspected, and was also thrown aside with a doubtful expression.
"Mr. Peddler," said mamma, in a very soft tone, "you must allow me a fair price; these are very excellent articles."
"Oh, ver fair," said he, "but te closhes ish not ver goot; te closhesman is not going to give me noting for dish," and he laid a waistcoat on the other two articles.
Mamma and Chloe had by this time reached the depths of the basket, and, with sympathetic exclamations, arranged several articles on the slab.
"You will let me have these pitchers," said mamma, with a look of concentrated resolution, "for that very nice pair of pantaloons."
The peddler gave a short whistle expressive of contempt, shook his head, and said, "Tish not possibles. I will give two pishers and von prush for te pantaloon and waistcoat."
Mamma and Chloe glanced at each other and at me; I was absorbed in my own bargains, and said, carelessly, that the pitchers were perfect beauties. Chloe pushed one pitcher a little forward, mamma pushed the other on a parallel line, then poised a decanter, and again applied her delicate knuckles for the test. That, too, rang out the musical, unbroken sound, so dear to the housewife's ear, and, with a pair of plated candlesticks, was deposited on the table. The peddler took up the drab overcoat.
"Te closhesman's give noting for dish."
Mamma looked disconcerted. The expression of her face implied the fear that the peddler would not even accept it as a gift. Chloe and she held a whispering consultation. At this moment Binah came in with little Patsey, who, seeing the articles on the slab, pointed with her dimpled fingers, and said her only words,
"Pretty! pretty!"
At the same moment, Lafayette and Venus, the two little novices in furniture-rubbing, exclaimed,
"Ki! if dem ting an't shine too much!"
These opinions made the turning-point in mamma's mind, though coming from such insignificant sources.
"So they are pretty, my darling," said mamma to Patsey; and then, turning to the peddler, she asked him what he would give in exchange for the pantaloons, the waistcoat and the coat.
The peddler set aside two decanters, one pitcher, the plated candlesticks, and a hearth-brush.
"Tish ver goot pargains for te lady," said he.
Mamma gained courage.
"I can not think of letting you have all these things without something more. You must at least throw in that little tray," and she looked at a small scarlet one, worth perhaps a quarter of a dollar.
The peddler hesitated, and held it up so that the morning sun shone on its bright hues.
"I shall not make a bargain without that," said mamma, resolutely. The peddler sighed, and laying it with the selected articles said:
"Tish ver great pargains for te lady."
Mamma smiled triumphantly, and the peddler, tying up his bundle and slinging his stick, departed with an air of humility.
Papa's voice was soon heard, as usual, before he was seen.
"Rub down Beauty, Mark, and tell Diggory to call out the hounds."
There was a slight embarrassment in mamma's manner when he entered, mingled with the same quantity of bravado. He nodded to her, tapped me on the head with his riding-whip, gave Patsey a kiss as she stretched out her arms to him, tossed her in the air, and, returning her to her nurse, was passing on.
"Do stop, Colonel," said mamma, "and admire my bargains. See this cut glass and plate that we have been wishing for, to save our best set."
"What, this trash?" said he, pausing a moment at the table--"blown glass and washed brass! Who has been fooling you?"
"Colonel," said mamma, coloring highly, "how can you--"
"I can not stop a minute, now, wife," said he, "Jones and Ferguson are for a hunt to-day! They are waiting at Drake's corner. It looks like falling weather and my old drab will come in well to-day."
Mamma looked frightened, and he passed on up-stairs. He was one of those gentlemen who keep a house alive, as the phrase is, whether in merriment or the contrary, and we were always prepared to search for his hat, or whip, or slippers, which he was confident he put in their places, but which, by some miracle, were often in opposite directions. Our greatest trial, however, was with mamma's and his spectacles, for they had four pairs between them--far-sighted and near-sighted. There were, indeed, optical delusions practiced with them; for when papa wanted his, they were hidden behind some pickle-jar; and when mamma had carefully placed hers in her key-basket, they were generally found in one of papa's various pockets; when a distant object was to be seen, he was sure to mount the near-sighted, and cry "Pshaw!" and if a splinter was to be taken out, nothing could be found but the far-sighted ones, and he said something worse: sometimes all four pairs were missing, and such a scampering ensued!
We now heard a great outcry up-stairs. "Wife! Chloe! Cornelia! come and find my drab coat!" We looked at each other in dismay, but papa was not a man for delay, and we obeyed his summons.
"Wife," said he, beating aside the externals of man that hung about his dressing-room, "where is my old drab coat?"
Mamma swallowed as if a dry artichoke was in her throat, as she said, slowly, "Why, colonel, you know you had not worn that coat for months, and as you have another one, and a roquelaure, and the coat was full of moth-holes, I exchanged it with the peddler for cut glass and plate."
"Cut devils!" said papa, who liked to soften an oath by combinations; "it was worth twenty dollars--yes, more, because I felt at home in it. I hate new coats as I do--"
"But, colonel," interrupted mamma, "you did not see the scarlet tray, and the--"
"Scarlet nonsense," shouted papa; "I believe, if they could, women would sell their husbands to those rascally peddlers!"
Beauty and the hounds were now pronounced ready. I followed papa to the piazza, and heard his wrath rolling off as he cantered away.
HERE'S A MERRY BOOK BY A MERRY MAN
THE SUNNY SIDE OF THE STREET
By MARSHALL P. WILDER
Author of "Smiling 'Round the World".
"His book--like American conversation--is made up of anecdotes. He talks intimately of Richard Croker, President McKinley, President Harrison, Joseph Jefferson, Senator Depew, Henry Watterson, Gen. Horace Porter, Augustin Daly, Henry Irving, Buffalo Bill, King Edward VII., Mrs. Langtry, and a host of other personages, large and small, and medium-sized. He tells many good stories. We can recommend his book as cheerful reading."--New York Times.
"It is replete with anecdotes and observations relating to the humorous side of life, intimate bits of interesting personalia, and bright and witty chat concerning things in general."--Pittsburg Leader.
"Reading the book is like listening to a humorous lecture by Marshall P. Wilder, full of wit and brightness, and it will cheer and comfort the most morose man or woman just to read it."--Baltimore American.
_12mo, Cloth. Humorous Pen-and-Ink Sketches by Bart Haley.
Frontispiece Portrait of Mr. Wilder. Price, $1.20._
FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANY, Publishers
NEW YORK AND LONDON
ANOTHER ROARING FUN BOOK!
SMILING 'ROUND THE WORLD
By MARSHALL P. WILDER
Author of "The Sunny Side of the Street"
"Laugh and the world laughs with you" can be truly said of Marshall P. Wilder, the captivating entertainer of Presidents, Kings, Princes, and the great public. As the Hon. Chauncey M. Depew says, "His mirth is contagious," and as the Right Hon. Henry Labouchere remarked, "He makes melancholy fly apace." You'll find laughs bubbling all through this new book.
SOME OPINIONS FROM THE NEWSPAPERS
"There are many cheerful, amusing incidents of travel. It is a very readable and entertaining book."--Democrat and Chronicle, Rochester, N.Y.
"A marvelous lot of 'sunny stuff' is to be found in Mr. Wilder's latest book. He merrily prattles of a thousand different things and of as many different people."--Record, Philadelphia, Pa.
"In addition to the keen enjoyment which the reader will elicit from the undercurrent of humor running through the volume, the book gives a vivid picture of life as it is lived in distant lands."--Journal, Boston, Mass.
