The Wit and Humor of America, Volume III. (of X.) 3 – Anonymous · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume III. (of X.) 3Chapter 3
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Literature · Humor
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume III. (of X.) 3
Chapter 3
AnonymousEnglish
Half an hour after Miss Vincent had left the office Perkins came in with his arms full of bundles, which he opened, spreading their contents on my desk.
He had a pair of suspenders with nickel-silver mountings, a tie, a lady's belt, a pair of low shoes, a shirt, a box of cigars, a package of cookies, and a half-dozen other things of divers and miscellaneous character. I poked them over and examined them, while he leaned against the desk with his legs crossed. He was beaming upon me.
"Well," I said, "what is it--a bargain sale?"
Perkins leaned over and tapped the pile with his long fore-finger.
"Aftermath!" he crowed, "aftermath!"
"The dickens it is," I exclaimed, "and what has aftermath got to do with this truck? It looks like the aftermath of a notion store."
He tipped his "Air-the-Hair" hat over one ear and put his thumbs in the armholes of his "ready-tailored" vest.
"Genius!" he announced. "Brains! Foresight! Else why Perkins the Great? Why not Perkins the Nobody?"
He raised the suspenders tenderly from the pile and fondled them in his hands.
"See this?" he asked, running his finger along the red corded edge of the elastic. He took up the tie and ran his nail along the red stripe that formed the selvedge on the back, and said: "See this?" He pointed to the red laces of the low shoes and asked, "See this?" And so through the whole collection.
"What is it?" he asked. "It's genius! It's foresight."
He waved his hand over the pile.
"The aftermath!" he exclaimed.
"These suspenders are the Crimson Cord suspenders. These shoes are the Crimson Cord shoes. This tie is the Crimson Cord tie. These crackers are the Crimson Cord brand. Perkins & Co. get out a great book, 'The Crimson Cord!' Sell five million copies. Dramatized, it runs three hundred nights. Everybody talking Crimson Cord. Country goes Crimson Cord crazy. Result--up jump Crimson Cord this and Crimson Cord that. Who gets the benefit? Perkins & Co.? No! We pay the advertising bills and the other man sells his Crimson Cord cigars. That is usual."
"Yes," I said, "I'm smoking a David Harum cigar this minute, and I am wearing a Carvel collar."
"How prevent it?" asked Perkins. "One way only,--discovered by Perkins. Copyright the words 'Crimson Cord' as trade-mark for every possible thing. Sell the trade-mark on royalty; ten per cent. of all receipts for 'Crimson Cord' brands comes to Perkins & Co. Get a cinch on the aftermath!"
"Perkins!" I cried, "I admire you. You are a genius. And have you contracts with all these--notions?"
"Yes," said Perkins, "that's Perkins' method. Who originated the Crimson Cord? Perkins did. Who is entitled to the profits on the Crimson Cord? Perkins is. Perkins is wide awake all the time. Perkins gets a profit on the aftermath and the math and the before the math."
And so he did. He made his new contracts with the magazines on the exchange plan--we gave a page of advertising in the "Crimson Cord" for a page of advertising in the magazine. We guaranteed five million circulation. We arranged with all the manufacturers of the Crimson Cord brands of goods to give coupons, one hundred of which entitled the holder to a copy of "The Crimson Cord." With a pair of Crimson Cord suspenders you get five coupons; with each Crimson Cord cigar, one coupon; and so on.
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Literature · Humor
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume III. (of X.) 4
