Literature · Humor

Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 15

Chapter 15

HolleyEnglish

Arvilly and I went out for a walk, takin' Tommy with us. We thought we would buy some sooveneers of the place. Sez Arvilly, "I want to prove to the Jonesvillians that I've been to China, and I want to buy some little presents for Waitstill Webb, that I can send her in a letter."

And I thought I would buy some little things for the children, mebby a ivory croshay hook for Tirzah Ann and a paper cutter for Thomas J., and sunthin' else for Maggie and Whitfield. It beats all what exquisite ivory things we did see, and in silver, gold, shell, horn and bamboo, every article you can think on and lots you never did think on, all wrought in the finest carvin' and filigree work. Embroideries in silk and satin and cloth of gold and silver, every beautiful thing that wuz ever made you'd see in these shops.

I wuz jest hesitatin' between a ivory bodkin with a butterfly head and a ivory hook with a posy on the handle, when I hearn the voice of my pardner, seemin'ly makin' a trade with somebody, and I turned a little corner and there I see him stand tryin' to beat down a man from Tibet, or so a bystander told me he wuz, a queer lookin' creeter, but he understood a few English words, and Josiah wuz buyin' sunthin' as I could see, but looked dretful meachin and tried to conceal his purchase as he ketched my eye. I see he wuz doin' sunthin' he ort not to do, meachinness and guilt wuz writ down on his liniment. But my axent and mean wuz such that he produced the object and tried hard to explain and apologize.

It wuz a little prayer-wheel designed for written prayers to be put in and turned with a crank, or it could be hitched to water power or a wind-mill or anything, and the owner could truly pray without ceasing. Oh how I felt as he explained! I felt that indeed the last straw wuz bein' packed onto my back, but Josiah kep' on with his apoligizin'.

"You needn't look like that, Samantha; I can tell you I hain't gin up religion or thought on't. I want you to know that I am still a strong, active member of the M. E. meetin' house, but at the same time," sez he, "if I--if there--spozein' there wuz, as it were, some modifications and conveniences that would help a Christian perfessor along, I don't know as I would be to blame to avail myself of 'em."

Sez I, "If you're guiltless what makes you look so meachin?"

"Well, I most knew you wouldn't approve on it, but," sez he, "I can tell you in a few short words what it will do. You can write your prayers all out when you have time and put 'em into this wheel and turn it, or you can have it go by water, you can hitch it to the windmill and have it a-prayin' while you water the cattle in the mornin', and I thought, Samantha, that in hayin' time or harvestin' when I am as busy as the old Harry I could use it that way, or I could be a turnin' it on my way to the barn to do the chores, or I could hitch it onto the grin'stone and Ury and I could pray for the whole family whilst we wuz whettin' the scythes."

"Not for me," sez I, groanin' aloud, "not for me."

"You needn't look like that, Samantha; I tell you agin I wuzn't goin' to use it only when I wuz driv to death with work. And I tell you it would be handy for you when you expected a houseful of company, and Philury wuz away."

"No, indeed!" sez I; "no such wicked, wicked work will be connected with my prayers."

"Well," sez Arvilly, "I d'no as it would be much wickeder than some prayers I've hearn when folks wuz in a hurry; they would run their thanksgivin's into their petitions and them into their amens, and gallop through 'em so there wuzn't a mite of sense in 'em. Or take so much pains to inform the Lord about things. I hearn one man say," sez Arvilly:

"'O Lord, thou knowest by the morning papers, so and so.' I d'no as a prayer turned off by a wheel would look much worse or be much less acceptable."

Josiah looked encouraged, and sez he to me, soty vosey, "Arvilly always did have good horse sense."

Sez I, "They wuzn't run by machinery--wicked, wicked way. A boughten machine!" sez I, shettin' up my eyes and groanin' agin.

"No," sez Josiah eagerly, "I wuz agoin' to tell you; I've got a wheel to home and a cylinder that come offen that old furnace regulator that didn't work, and I thought that with a little of Ury's help I could fix one up jest as good as this, and I could sell this for twice what I gin for it to Deacon Henzy or old Shelmadine, or rent it through hayin' and harvestin' to the brethren, or----"

Sez I, "You would disseminate these wicked practices, would you, in dear Christian Jonesville? No, indeed."

"I tell you agin I wuzn't a-goin' to use it only in the most hurryin' times--I----"

But I sez, "I will hear no more; give it back to the man and come with your pardner!"

And I linked my arm in hisen and motioned to the man to move off with his wheels. And my looks wuz that dignified and lofty that I spoze it skairt him and he started off almost immegiately and to once.

And I hain't hern no more about it, but don't know how much more trouble I may have with it. No knowin' what that man may take it into his head to do in Jonesville or China. But prayer-wheels! little did I think when I stood at the altar with Josiah Allen that I should have to dicker with them.

It only took six hours to sail from Hongkong up to Canton. The scenery along the Pearl River is not very interesting except the rice fields, banana groves with pagodas risin' amongst 'em anon or oftener, and the strange tropical foliage, cactuses that we raise in little jars riz up here like trees.

The native villages along the ruther flat shore looked kinder dilapidated and run down, but yet they looked so different from Jonesville houses that they wuz interestin' in a way. The forts that we passed occasionally looked as if they would stand quite a strain. But the queerest sight wuz the floatin' houses that we had to sail through to land. Two hundred thousand folks live on them boats, are born on 'em, grow up, marry, raise a family and die, all right there on the water, just as other folks live on the land.

If a young man courts a girl he takes her and her setting out, which is mebby a extra night gown, or I don't know what they do call 'em--their dresses look like night gowns. Well, she will take that and a rice kettle and go into his junk and mebby never leave it through her life only to visit her friends. The children swarmed on them boats like ants on a ant-hill, and they say that if they git too thick they kinder let 'em fall overboard, not push 'em off, but kinder let 'em go accidental like, specially girls, they kinder encourage girls fallin' off. And the Chinese think that it is wrong to save life. If any one is drownin', for instance, they think that it is the will of the higher Power and let 'em go. But they look down on girls dretfully. If you ask a Chinaman how many children he has got he will say "Two children and two piecee girl." Jest as if boys was only worthy to be called children, and girls a piece of a child. Miss Meechim wuz indignant when that way of theirs wuz mentioned; she considers herself as good if not better than one man and a half. Sez she: "The idee of calling a boy a child, and a girl a piece of a child, or words that mean that."

But Arvilly sez, "Well, how much better is it in the United States--or most of 'em? Girls don't even have the comfort of thinkin' that they're a piece of a person; they're just nothin' at all in the eyes of the law--unless the law wants to tax 'em to raise money." Sez she, "I would be thankful 'lection day if I wuz a piece of a woman, so that five or six of us would make a hull citizen." Miss Meechim had never thought on't before, she said she hadn't, but nobody could git her to say a word aginst American customs no more than they could aginst herself. She thinks that she and America are perfect, but puts herself first. Well, America is the best land under the sun; I've always said so. But I feel towards it as I do towards Josiah: what faults it has I want to talk it out of, so that it will stand up perfect among nations as Josiah could amongst men if he would hear to me. Arvilly likes to stir Miss Meechim up; I believe she sez things a purpose sometimes to set Miss Meechim off; but then Arvilly talks from principle, too, and she is real cute.

There wuz all sorts of boats, theatre junks and concert junks and plain junks, and Josiah wuz dretful took with this floatin' city, and sez to once that he should build a house boat as soon as he got home--he and Ury. He said that he could use the old hay-rack to start it--that and the old corn-house would most make it.

"Where will you put it?" sez I.

"Oh, on the creek or the canal," sez he. "It will be so uneek for us to dwell when we want to, on the briny deep."

"I guess there hain't much brine in the creek or the canal," Josiah.

"Well, I said that for poetical purposes. But you know that it would be very stylish to live in a boat, and any time we wanted to, when onexpected company wuz comin', or the tax collector or book agent, jest hist the sail and move off, it would be dretful handy as well as stylish."

"Well, well," sez I, "you can't build it till you git home." I felt that he would forgit it before then. Arvilly looked thoughtfully at 'em and wondered how she wuz goin' to canvass 'em, and if they would do as Josiah intimated if they see her comin'. Miss Meechim wondered if they could git to meetin' in time, they seemed to move so slow, and Robert Strong said to Dorothy:

"Well, a poor man can feel that he owns the site his home stands on, as well as the rich man can, and that would be a hopeless attempt for him in our large American cities, and he can't be turned out of his home by some one who claims the land."

And Tommy wondered how the little boys could play ball, and if they didn't want to slide down hill, or climb trees, or pick berries, and so on and so on. And every one on us see what wuz for us to see in the movin' panoramy.

Canton is a real queer city. The streets are so narrer that you can almost reach out your hands and touch the houses on both sides, they are not more than seven or eight feet wide. There are no horses in Canton, and you have to git about on "shanks's horses," as Josiah calls it, your own limbs you know, or else sedan chairs, and the streets are so narrer, some on 'em, that once when we met some big Chinese man, a Mandarin I believe they called him, we had to hurry into one of the shops till he got by, and sometimes in turnin' a corner the poles of our chairs had to be run way inside of the shops, and Josiah said:

"I would like to see how long the Jonesvillians would stand such doin's; I would like to see old Gowdey's fills scrapin' my cook stove, it is shiftless doin's, and ort to be stopped."

But I knew he couldn't make no change and I hushed him up as well as I could. Robert Strong got quite a comfortable tarven for us to stay in. But I wuz so afraid all the time of eatin' rats and mice that I couldn't take any comfort in meat vittles. They do eat rats there, for I see 'em hangin' in the markets with their long tails curled up, ready to bile or fry. Josiah said he wished he had thought on't, he would brung out a lot to sell, and he wuz all rousted up to try to make a bargain to supply one of these shops with rats and mice. Sez he:

"It will be clear profit, Samantha, for I want to get rid on 'em, and all the Jonesvillians do, and if I can sell their carcasses I will throw in the hide and taller. Why, I can make a corner on rats and mice in Jonesville; I can git 'em by the wagon load of the farmers and git pay at both ends." But I told him that the freightage would eat up the profits, and he see it would, and gin up the idee onwillin'ly.

Though I don't love such hot stuff as we had to eat, curry, and red peppers, and chutney, not to home I don't, but I see it wuz better to eat such food there on account of the climate. Some of our party had to take quinine, too, for the stomach's sake to keep up, for you feel there like faintin' right away, the climate is such.

It must be that the Chinese like amusements, for we see sights of theatres and concert rooms and lanterns wuz hangin' everywhere and bells. And there wuz streets all full of silk shops, and weavers, and jewelry, and cook shops right open on either side. All the colors of the rainbow and more too you see in the silks and embroideries, and jewelry of all kinds and swingin' signs and mat awnings overhead, and the narrer streets full of strange lookin' folks, in their strange lookin' dresses.

We visited a joss house, and a Chinaman's paradise where opium eaters and smokers lay in bunks lookin' as silly and happy as if they wouldn't ever wake up agin to their tawdy wretchedness. We visited a silk manufactory, a glass blowing shop. We see a white marble pagoda with several tiers of gilded bells hangin' on the outside. Inside it wuz beautifully ornamented, some of the winders wuz made of the inside of oyster shells; they made a soft, pleasant light, and it had a number of idols made of carved ivory and some of jade stun, and the principal idol wuz a large gilded dragon.

Josiah said the idee of worshippin' such a looking creeter as that. Sez he, "I should ruther worship our old gander." And Miss Meechim wuz horrified, too, at the wickedness of the Chinese in worshippin' idols.

But Arvilly walked around it with her head up, and said that America worshipped an idol that looked enough sight worse than that and a million times worse actin'. Sez she, "This idol will stay where it is put, it won't rare around and murder its worshippers."

And Miss Meechim sez coldly, "I don't know what you mean; I know that I am an Episcopalian and worship as our beautiful creed dictates."

Sez Arvilly, "Anybody that sets expediency before principle, from a king to a ragpicker; any one who cringes to a power he knows is vile and dangerous, and protects and extends its influence from greed and ambition, such a one worships a far worse idol than this peaceable, humbly-lookin' critter and looks worse to me enough sight."

I hearn Miss Meechim say out to one side to Dorothy, "How sick I am of hearing her constant talk against intemperance; from California to China I have had to hear it. And you know, Dorothy, that folks can drink genteel."

But Dorothy, with her sweet lips trembling and her white dimpled chin quivering, sez, "I should think we had suffered enough from the Whiskey Power, Auntie, to hear anything said against it, and at any time."

And Robert Strong jined in with Dorothy, and so Miss Meechim subsided, and I see a dark shadder creep over her face, too, and tears come into her pale blue eyes. She hain't forgot Aronette, poor little victim! Crunched and crushed under the wheels of the monster Juggernaut America rolls round to crush its people under. I wuz some like Arvilly. When I thought of that I didn't feel to say so much aginst them foreign idols, though they wuz humbly lookin' as I ever see. And speakin' of idols, one day we see twelve fat hogs in a temple, where they wuz kept as sacred animals, and here agin Miss Meechim wuz horrified and praised up American doin's, and run down China, and agin Arvilly made remarks. Sez she:

"The hogs there wallowing in their filth are poor lookin' things to kneel down and worship, but they're shut up here with priests to tend to 'em; they can't git out to roam round and entice innocents into their filthy sties and perpetuate their swinish lives, and that is more than we can say of the American beastly idols, or our priesthood who fatten them and themselves and then let 'em out to rampage round and act."

Miss Meechim sithed deep and remarked to me "that the tariff laws wuz a absorbin' topic to her mind at that time." She did it to change the subject.

We went to a Chinese crematory and the Temple of Longevity, where if you paid enough you could git a promise of long life. Josiah is clost, but he gin quite a good deal for him, and wuz told that he would live to be one hundred and twenty-seven years of age. He felt well. Of course we had a interpreter with is who talked for us. Josiah wanted me to pay, too, for a promise. Sez he with a worried look:

"I shall be wretched as a widower, Samantha; do patronize 'em, I had ruther save on sunthin' else than this."

So to please him I gin 'em a little more than he did, and they guaranteed me one hundred and forty years, and then Josiah worried agin and wanted me to promise not to marry agin after he wuz gone. He worships me. And I told him that if I lived to be a hundred and forty I guessed I shouldn't be thinkin' much about marryin', and he looked easier in his mind.

One day we met a weddin' procession, most a mild long, I should say. The bride wuz ahead in her sedan chair, her dress wuz richly embroidered and spangled, a veil fringed with little pearls hung over her face. Pagodas with tinkling gilt bells, sedan chairs full of silk and cloth and goods of all kinds wuz carried in the procession by coolies. Idols covered with jade and gilt jewelry, a company of little children beatin' tom-toms and gongs, and the stuffed bodies of animals all ornamented with gilt and red paper riggers wuz carried, and at the tail end of the procession come the friends of the family.

The bridegroom wuzn't there, he wuz waitin' to hum in his own or his father's house for the bride he'd never seen. But if the bride's feet wuz not too large he would most likely be suited.

Miss Meechim said, "Poor young man! to have to take a wife he has never seen; how widely different and how immeasurably better are such things carried on in America."

Sez Arvilly, "What bridegroom ever did see his bride as she really wuz? Till the hard experience of married life brought out her hidden traits, good and bad? Or what wife ever see her husband's real temper and character until after years of experience?"

Sez I, "That's so; leaves are turned over in Josiah Allen's mind now as long as we've been pardners that has readin' on 'em as strange to me as if they wuz writ in Chinese or Japan."

But then it must be admitted that not to see your wife's face and know whether she's cross-eyed or snub-nosed is tryin'. But they say it is accordin' to the decree of Feng Shui, and therefore they accept it willingly. They have a great variety of good fruit in Canton--some that I never see before--but their vegetables don't taste so good as ours, more stringy and watery, and their eggs they want buried six months before usin' 'em. I believe that sickened me of China as much as anything. But then some folks at home want their game kep' till it hain't fit to eat in my opinion. But eggs! they should be like Cæsar's wife, above suspicion--the idee of eatin' 'em with their shells all blue and spotted with age--the idee!

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