Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 16 – Holley · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 16Chapter 16
18
Literature · Humor
Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 16
Chapter 16
HolleyEnglish
We wuz all invited one day to dine with a rich Chinaman Robert Strong had got acquainted with in San Francisco. Arvilly didn't want to go, and offered to keep Tommy with her, and the rest of us went. The house wuz surrounded with a high wall, and we entered through a small door in this wall, and went into a large hall openin' on a courtyard. The host met us and we set down on a raised seat covered with red cloth under some big, handsome lanterns that wuz hung over our heads. Servants with their hair braided down their backs and with gay dresses on brought in tea--as good as any I ever drank--and pipes. Josiah whispered to me:
"How be I agoin' to smoke tobacco, Samantha? It will make me sick as death. You know I never smoked anything but a little catnip and mullen for tizik. I wonder if he's got any catnip by him; I'm goin' to ask."
But I kep' him from it, and told him that we could just put the stems in our mouths, and pretend to smoke enough to be polite.
"Hypocrasy," sez Josiah, "don't become a deacon in high standin'. If I pretend to smoke I shall smoke, and take a good pull." And he leaned back and shut his eyes and took his pipe in his hand, and I guess he drawed on it more than he meant to, for he looked bad, sickish and white round his mouth as anything. But we all walked out into the garden pretty soon and he looked resuscitated.
It was beautiful there; rare flowers and exotics of all kinds, trees that I never see before and lots that I had seen, sparklin' fountains with gold fish, grottos all lit up by colored lanterns, and little marble tablets with wise sayings. Josiah said he believed they wuz ducks' tracks, and wondered how ducks ever got up there to make 'em, but the interpreter read some on 'em to us and they sounded first rate. Way up on a artificial rock, higher than the Jonesville steeple, wuz a beautiful pavilion with gorgeous lanterns in it and beautiful bronzes and china.
In the garden wuz growin' trees, trimmed all sorts of shapes, some on 'em wuz shaped like bird cages and birds wuz singin' inside of 'em. There wuz one like a jinrikisha with a horse attached, all growin', and one like a boat, and two or three wuz pagodas with gilt bells hangin' to 'em, another wuz shaped like a dragon, and some like fish and great birds. It wuz a sight to see 'em, all on 'em a growin', and some on 'em hundreds of years old. Josiah says to me:
"If I ever live to git home I will surprise Jonesville. I will have our maple and apple trees trimmed in this way if I live. How uneek it will be to see the old snow apple tree turned into a lumber wagon, and the pound sweet into a corn house, and the maples in front of the house you might have a couple on 'em turned into a Goddess of Liberty and a statter of Justice, you are such a hand for them two females," sez he. "Of course we should have to use cloth for Justice's eye bandages, and her steelyards I believe Ury and I could trim out, though they might not weigh jest right to the notch."
And I sez, "Justice has been used to that, to not weighin' things right, it wouldn't surprise her." But I told him it would be sights of work and mebby he'll give it up.
Soon afterwards we wuz all invited to dinner in this same house. And so ignorant are the Chinese of Jonesville ways that at a dinner the place of honor is at the left instead of the right of the host. Everything that can be in China is topsy tervy and different from us. I wuz chose for that honorable place at the left of our host. We all stood for quite a while, for it is China table etiquette to try to make the guest next to us set down first, but finally we all sot down similtaneous and at the same time. Josiah thinks that it is because China is right down under us the reason that she gits so turned over and strange actin', but 'tennyrate, endin' our dinner as we do with sweets, it didn't surprise me that we begun our dinner by havin' sweetmeats passed, each one helpin' ourselves with chop sticks, queer things to handle as I ever see, some like the little sticks I have seen niggers play tunes with. Josiah seemed to enjoy hisen the best that ever wuz, and to my horrow he took both on 'ern in his right hand and begun to play Yankee Doodle on 'em.
I stepped on his foot hard under the table, and he broke off with a low groan, but I spoze they would lay it to a foreigner's strange ways. After the sweetmeats wuz partook of we had dried melon seeds, the host handin' 'em round by the handful. Josiah slipped his into his pocket. I wuz mortified enough, but he said:
"Of course he wants us to plant 'em; nobody but a fool would expect us to eat melon seeds or horse feed."
I wuz glad Josiah didn't speak in China, I guess they didn't understand him. A rice-wine wuz passed with this, which of course I did not partake of. Much as I wanted to be polite I could not let this chance pass of holdin' up my temperance banner. I had seen enough trouble caused by folks in high station not holdin' up temperance principles at banquets, and I wuzn't to be ketched in the same way, so I waived it off with a noble and lofty jester, but Miss Meechim drinked wine every time it wuz passed, and she got real tonguey before we went home, and her eyes looked real kinder glassy--glassier than a perfessor's eyes ort to look. Then we had bird's-nest soup, which is one of the most costly luxuries to be had in Canton. They are found on precipitous rocks overhanging the sea, and one must risk his life to get them. It didn't taste any better to me than a chip. It seemed to be cut in little square yeller pieces, kind of clear lookin', some like preserved citron only it wuz lighter colored, and Josiah whispered to me:
"We can have bird's-nest soup any day to hum, Samantha. Jest think of the swaller's nest in the barn and robin's nest and crow's nest, why one crow's nest would last us a week."
"It would last a lifetime, Josiah, if I had to cook it; sticks and straw."
"Well, it would be real uneek to cook one, or a hornet's nest, and would be a rarity for the Jonesvillians, and in the winter, if we run out of bird's-nest, you could cook a hen's nest."
But I sez, "Keep still, Josiah, and let's see what we'll have next."
Well, we had ham, fish, pigeon's eggs and some things I didn't know the name of. The host took up a little mess of sunthin' on his chop stick and handed it to me. I dassent refuse it, for he meant it as a honor, but I most know it wuz rat meat, but couldn't tell for certain. I put my shoulder blades to the wheel and swallered it, but it went down hard.
Bowls of rice wuz passed round last. Between the courses we had the best tea I ever tasted of; only a few of the first leaves that open on the tea plant are used for this kind of tea, and a big field would be gone over for a pound of it. After it is cured it is flavored with the tea blossom. I had spozed I had made good tea to home on my own hot water tank, and drinked it, but I gin up that I had never tasted tea before.
On our way home we went through the Street of Benevolence and I wuz ashamed to run Miss Meechim in my mind.
They name their streets real funny; one street is called Everlasting Love, or it means that in our language, and there is Refreshing Breezes, Reposing Dragons, Honest Gain, Thousand Grandsons, Heavenly Happiness, and etc., etc.
Josiah said that he should see Uncle Sime Bentley and Deacon Henzy about naming over the Jonesville streets the minute he got home. Sez he, "How uneek it will be to trot along through Josiah's Never Ending Success, or Prosperous Interesting Josiah, or the Glorious Pathmaster, or the Divine Travellin' Deacon, or sunthin' else uneek and well meanin'."
Sez I, "You seem to want to name 'em all after yourself, Josiah. Uncle Sime and Deacon Henzy would probable want one or two named after them."
"Well," sez he, "we could name one Little Uncle, and one Spindlin' Deacon, if they insisted on't."
Josiah wuz in real good sperits, I laid it partly to the tea, it wuz real stimulating; Josiah said that it beat all that the Chinese wuz so blinded and out of the way as to do things so different from what they did in Jonesville. "But," sez he, "they're politer on the outside than the Jonesvillians, even down to the coolers."
Sez I, "Do you mean the coolies?"
"Yes, the coolers, the hired help, you know," sez he. "Catch Ury fixin' his eye on his left side coat collar when he speaks to me not dastin' to lift it, and bowin' and scrapin' when I told him to go and hitch up, or bring in a pail of water, and catch him windin' his hair in a wod when he wuz out by himself and then lettin' it down his back when he came to wait on me."
Sez I, "Ury's hair is too short to braid."
"Well, you can spozen the case, can't you? But as I wuz sayin', for all these coolers are so polite, I would trust Ury as fur agin as I would any on 'em. And then they write jest the other way from we do in Jonesville, begin their letters on the hind side and write towards 'em; and so with planin' a board, draw the plane towards 'em. I would like to see Ury try that on any of my lumber. And because we Jonesvillians wear black to funerals, they have to dress in white. Plow would I looked at my mother-in-law's funeral with a white night gown on and my hair braided down my back with a white ribbin on it? It would have took away all the happiness of the occasion to me.
"And then their language, Samantha, it is fixed in such a fool way that when they want a word different, they yell up the same word louder and that makes it different, as if I wuz to say to Ury kinder low and confidential, 'I shall be the next president, Ury;' and then I should yell up the same words a little louder and that would mean, 'Feed the brindle steer;' there hain't no sense in it. But I spoze one thing that ails them is their havin' to stand bottom side up, their feet towards Jonesville. Their blood runs the wrong way. Mebby I shouldn't do any better than they do if I stood so the hull of the time; mebby I should let my finger nails grow out like bird's claws and shake my own hands when I meet company instead of theirn. Though," sez Josiah, dreamily, "I don't know but I shall try that in Jonesville; I may on my return from my travels walk up to Elder Minkley and the bretheren in the meetin'-house, and pass the compliments with 'em and clasp my own hands and shake 'em quite a spell, not touchin' their hands. I may, but can't tell for certain; it would be real uneek to do it."
"Well," sez I, "Josiah, every country has its own strange ways; we have ourn."
Sez he, "How you would scold me if I wuz to wear my hat when we had company, and here it is manners to do it, and take off your specs. Why should I take off my specs to meet Elder Minkley?"
"Well," sez I, "there hain't anything out of the way in it, if they want to."
Sez Josiah, "You seem to take to China ways so, you and Arvilly, that I spoze mebby you'll begin to bandage your feet when you git home, and toddle round on your big toes."
And I sez, "I d'no but I'd jest as soon do that as to girt myself down with cossets, or walk round with a trailin' dress wipin' up all the filth of the streets to carry home to make my family sick."
But it is a awful sight. I had the chance right there in Canton to see a foot all bound up to make it the fashionable size.
The four small toes wuz twisted right under the ankle, and the broken, crushed bones of the foot pressed right up where the instep should be. The pain must have been sunthin' terrible, and very often a toe drops off, but I spoze they are glad of that, for it would make the little lump of dead flesh they call their feet smaller. They wear bright satin shoes, all embroidered and painted, and their little pantelettes cover all but the very end of the toe. They all, men and wimmen, wear a loose pair of trowsers which they call the foo, and a kind of jacket which they call a sham.
"A fool and a sham," Josiah called 'em all the time. The wimmen have their hair all stuck up with some kind of gum, making it as good as a bunnet, but I would fur ruther have the bunnet. Sometimes they wear a handkerchief over it. Wimmen hain't shut up here as they are in Turkey, but no attention is paid to their education and they are looked down on. Men seem to be willin' to have wimmen enjoy what religion they can, such as they have. But her husband won't let her set to the table with him, and he can whip her to death and not be touched for it, but if she strikes back a single blow he can get a divorce from her.
I thought wimmen wuz worse off here than they wuz in America, but Arvilly argyed that our govermunt sold stuff and took pay for it that made men beat their wives, and sold the right to make wicked wimmen and keep 'em so, and took wimmen's tax money to keep up such laws. And she went over such a lot of unjust laws that I didn't know but she wuz right, and that we wuz jest about as bad off in some things. They marry dretful young in China. Little babies are engaged to be married right whilst they're teethin', but they can't marry I guess till they are ten or twelve years old.
From Canton we went back to Hongkong, intendin' to go from there to Calcutta. But Dorothy felt that she must see Japan while she wuz so near, and we concluded to go, though it wuz goin' right out of our way in the opposite direction from Jonesville. But when Dorothy expressed a wish Robert Strong seemed to think it wuz jest as bindin' on him as the law of the Medes and Persians, whatever they may be, and Miss Meechim felt so too, so though as I say it wuz some as though I should go to she that wuz Submit Tewksberrys round by the widder Slimpsey's and Brother Henzy's. We found some mail here to the tarven, letters from the dear children and our help. Thomas J. and Maggie wuz gittin' better, and the rest well, and all follerin' our journey with fond hearts and good wishes. Philury and Ury writ that everything was goin' well on the farm and the Jonesvillians enjoyin' good health. Arvilly got a paper from Jonesville and come in to read it to us. It had been a long time on the road. It said that a new bill was a-goin' to be introduced to allow wimmen to vote, but she didn't seem to be encouraged about it much. Sez she: "The law won't do anything about that as long as it is so busy grantin' licenses to kill folks via Saloon and other houses of death and ruin and canals and trusts and monopolies to protect to steal the people's money."
But I sez, "I do hope the bill will pass for the sake of Justice, if nothin' else. Justice," sez I, "must have been so shamed to see such things goin' on that she wuz glad she wore bandages over her eyes; and her hands have shook so she hain't weighed even for some time; to see her sect taxed without representation, punished and hung by laws she has no voice in makin'."
Josiah sez, "I admit that that is ruther hard, Samantha, but that hain't the nick on't. The pint is that wimmen hain't got the self-control that men has. The govermunt is afraid of her emotional nater; she gits wrought up too quick. She is good as gold, almost a angel, in fact, as we male voters have always said. But she is too hasty; she hain't got the perfect calmness, the firm onmovable sense of right and wrong, the patience and long sufferin' that we men have; she flies off too sudden one way or t'other; govermunt well fears she would be a dangerous element in the body politick."
Jest as Josiah finished this remark Arvilly read out a thrillin' editorial about the war between Russia and Japan; the editor commented on the wickedness of men plungin' two great empires into warfare, slaughterin' thousands and thousands of men, bringin' ontold wretchedness, distress, pestilence and destitution just to gratify ambition or angry passion. For it wuz this, he said, in the first place, whatever it became afterward.
A war of defence, of course, argued an aggressor, and he talked eloquent about Courts of Arbitration which would do away with the wholesale butchery and horror of war. And he called eloquent on Peace to fly down on her white wings bearing the olive branch, to come and stop this unutterable woe and crime of war.
(Arvilly left off readin' to remind Josiah that Peace wuz always depictered as a female, and then resoomed her readin'.)
In conclusion, the editor lamented the fact that in the annals of our nation men so often forgot the Golden Rule and gin vent to voylent passions and onbecomin' behavior.
Sez Josiah, "I guess I will take Tommy and go out for a little walk, Samantha, I feel kinder mauger."
"I should think you would!" sez Arvilly, lookin' hull reams of by-laws and statutes at him.
And I sez, "Whilst you're walkin', dear Josiah, you might meditate on the danger to the govermunt from wimmen's emotional nature, and the patience and long sufferin' of men voters." I said it real tender and good, but he snapped me up real snappish.
Sez he, "I shall meditate on what I'm a minter. Come, Tommy," and they went out.
