Literature · Humor

Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 19

Chapter 19

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We wuz a goin' to stop for a day or two at Shanghai and I wuz real glad on't, for I felt that I must see the Empress, Si Ann, without any more delay, and I hearn she wuz there visitin' some of her folks.

Yes, I felt the widder Hien Fong ort to hear what I had to say to her with no further delay, I felt it wuz a duty that I owed toward the nation and Josiah.

The voyage from Yokohama to Shanghai is very interesting, a part of it is through the inland sea, mountains and valleys on both sides, many islands and large and small towns all along the shores. Our hull party kep' well and all enjoyed all the strange picturesque scenery, most as new to us as if we wuz on another planet. Yes, I d'no as Jupiter would look any stranger to us than the country did, or Mars or Saturn.

We wuz over a day crossin' the Yaller Sea, well named, for its water is as yaller as the sands on its shores. I'd hate to wash white clothes in it. And as we drew near Shanghai it wuz all alive with Chinese junks full of men, wimmen and children. The children here on these boats seem to be tied up with ropes, givin' 'em room to crawl round, same as I have tied up Jonesville hens that wanted to set.

Shanghai means, "approaching the sea," and I spoze it might just as well mean approaching from the sea, as we did. Old Shanghai is surrounded by a wall and moat and is entered by six gates, the roads are only ten feet wide and dirty and bad smellin', and most of its houses are small, though there are a few very fine buildings, according to their style, lots of little piazzas jutting out everywhere with the ends turned up, that seems to be their taste; why a ruff or a piazza straight acrost would have been a boon to my Jonesville trained eyes. The houses on the principal streets are used for shops; no winders on the first floor; they are all open in front during the day and closed by heavy latticework at night.

The favorite carriage here is a wheelbarrow, the wheel in the centre and a seat on each side. Josiah and I got into one, he carryin' Tommy in his lap, but he sez with a groan:

"I never spozed that I should git down to this, Samantha, to ride in a wheelbarrow. What would Ury say! I am glad he can't see it, or Deacon Henzy or any of the other Jonesville brothers and sistern."

The furrin suburbs are laid out like a European city, with broad streets, well lighted and clean. We went on the Bubbling Well Road, named from a boiling spring a few miles out. The road is broad and smooth as glass with beautiful villas along the way; we also passed a great number of small burying places. They have to bury folks according to the rules of Feng Shui. If Feng Shui should order a burial place in a dooryard it would have to be there. It rules buildings, customs, laws, everything. I asked a Chinaman who could talk English what this Feng Shui wuz that they had to obey it so strictly, and he described it as being like the wind and water: like wind because you don't know where it come from nor when it would go or where; and like water because you could never know how to grasp it, it would elude you and slip away and you would have nothing in your hand to show. Miss Meechim cried out about the enormity of such a law and laid it to the evil doin's of furriners, but Arvilly said that it wuz some like the laws we had in America, for we found out on inquiry that money would most always appease this great Feng Shui and git it to consent to most anything if it wuz paid enough, just as it did in America.

Josiah said he had a good mind to set up some such thing in Jonesville when he got back, sez he, "I wouldn't name it Feng Shui just like this, I might call it Fine Shue or sunthin' like that. And jest see, Samantha, how handy it would be if the meetin' house went aginst me I would jest git up and lift up my hand and say, 'Fine Shue has decided. It will be as I say.' Or on 'lection day, if I wuzn't put up for office, or when they elect somebody besides me, or at the cheese factory if they put up another salesman, or on the beat, if they wanted another pathmaster, I'd jest call on the Fine Shue and there I'd be. Why, Samantha," sez he, gittin' carried away in his excitement, "I could git to be President jest as easy as fallin' off a log if I could make the Fine Shue work."

"Yes," sez I, "but that is a big if; but do you want to, Josiah, turn back the wheels of our civilization that are creaky and jolty enough, heaven knows, back into worse and more swampy paths than they are runnin' in now?"

"I d'no," sez Josiah, "but it would be all right if it wuz run by a man like me; a Methodist in full standin', and one of the most enlightened and Christian men of the times."

But I lifted my hand in a warnin' way and sez, "Stop, Josiah Allen, to once! such talk is imperialism, and you know I am sot like a rock aginst that. Imperialism is as much out of place in a republic as a angel in a glue factory."

Well, I am in hopes that ten thousand milds of travel will jolt some idees out of his mind.

Being in Shanghai over Sunday, we attended service held by a missionary. It wuz a beautiful service which we all enjoyed. The words of this good Christian man in prayer and praise sounded to our ears as sweet as the sound of waters in a desert land. Over a hundred wuz present, and after service the pulpit wuz moved off and several wuz baptized in water jest as they do in America.

The rich and poor seem to live side by side more than they do in our country, and rich merchants live over their shops; mebby it is to protect them from the Feng Shui, for if that gits on track of a rich man a great part of his wealth is appropriated by the government; it very often borrys their money--or what it calls borryin'.

Shanghai wuz the first place where I see men carryin' fans. When they're not fannin' themselves they put the fan at the back of their neck, for a ornament I guess.

Josiah made a note in his pocket diary: "Mem--To git a fan the day after I git home, to carry it to Jonesville to meetin', to fan myself with it on the way there before Elder Minkley and Brother Henzy. Mem--A red and yaller one." But of this fan bizness more anon.

There are not many wimmen in the streets here. The poorer class of Chinese let their feet grow to the natural size; it is only the aristocracy who bind up their feet.

But my mission to the Empress wore on me. I felt that I must not delay seekin' a augience. And, as it happened, or no, not happened--it wuz to be--one day whilst Josiah and Arvilly and Tommy and I wuz walkin' in a beautiful garden, the rest of the party bein' away on another tower after pleasure and instruction, Josiah and Tommy had gone to see the fish in a fountain a little ways off, and Arvilly wuz some distance away, when all of a sudden I heard a bystander say in a low, awe-struck voice, "There is the Empress."

She wuz walkin' through the garden with two ladies-in-waiting, and a elegant carriage wuz goin' slow a little ways off, givin' her a chance for excercise, I spoze. She wuz dressed in a long, colored silk night-gown--or it wuz shaped like one--though they wear 'em day times, all embroidered and glitterin' with precious stuns. She didn't have her crown on--mebby it wuz broke and away to be fixed--but her hair wuz combed dretful slick and stuck full of jewelled pins and stars, etc. I knowed her by her picture, and also by my feelin's, and I sez to myself, Now is the time for me to onburden myself of the important mission that had been layin' so heavy on my chist. Yes, Duty's apron strings jest drawed me right up in front of her, and I advanced, holdin' out my hand in as friendly a way as if she had come for a all-day's visit to me in Jonesville. Her ladies-in-waitin' kinder fell back, and as I advanced I bowed real low--as low as I dasted to, for I felt that I wouldn't have ketched my feet in the facin' of my dress and fell down at that time for a dollar bill. She's smart; she recognized my lofty sperit, and her greetin' wuz considerable cordial, though held back by her Chinese education.

Sez I, "Empress Si Ann (I d'no but I ort to call her Sarah Ann, that's probable her name docked off by her folks to pet her. But I thought I wouldn't meddle with a pet name; I'd call her Si Ann)."

Sez I, "I set out from Jonesville with a important message for you, and I've bore it over the ocean on a tower and now I lay it at your feet."

I here paused to give her a chance to wonder what it wuz, and get some excited, then I went on, "I felt that I must see you on my own account and Josiah's and the nation's, and tell you not to, oh, not to lay that Piece Conference to us. I have laid awake nights worryin' about it, for fear you'd think that Josiah and I, bein' prominent Americans, had jined in and wuz tryin' to cut China to pieces. But we hadn't a thing to do with it."

I meant to keep Josiah in the background, knowin' the Chinese aversion to mix up the sects in company, but he'd come back and he had to put in his oar here and sez he, "No, they couldn't git me to jine 'em. I wuz down with a crick at the time and Samantha had to nuss me. We had our hands full and we couldn't have jined 'em anyway," he sez.

I wunk at him and stepped on his toe, but nothin' could stop him, and he went on, "I wouldn't have jined 'em anyway, Miss Hein Fong, I wouldn't treat a neighbor so."

"Neighbor?" sez she wonderin'ly.

"Yes," sez he, "you know our land jines on the under side. China jines my paster in the middle, though owin' to the way our land lays we can't neighbor much, and," sez he, "you're enough sight better neighbors than some I've got, your folks are old settlers and have always tended to their own bizness and kep' their cattle and hens to hum, which is more than I can say for all the neighbors whose land jines mine."

But I could see that the ladies-in-waitin' wuz oneasy at havin' a man talkin' to 'em so free and I kinder advanced in front of him and sez:

"Josiah and I wuz dretful tickled with the idee at first when we spozed that conference meant real p-e-a-c-e and tryin' to bring the most beautiful gift of God and joy of heaven nigher to earth. Why, it jest riz us right up, we felt so highly tickled with it. But when we see 'em begin to spell it p-i-e-c-e, and quarrel over the pieces, why, then we turned right agin 'em. Why, good land! even if it wuz right, Josiah has got all the land he wants to work and more too, and as I tell him, what is the use of him or the nation havin' a great lot of land to stand idle and pay taxes on, and keep a gang of hired men to watch. Men and nations can git land poor, I believe."

I see she liked what I said about the Peace Commission, but I wuz afraid she didn't git my idee jest right, so I sez, "I believe in the first on't the Zar's idee come right down from heaven, filtered into his comprehension mebby through a woman's apprehension. But you know how it is, Si Ann, in the berry lot now if there are bushes hangin' full of big ones jest over the fence and somebody else is gittin' 'em all, you kinder want to jine in and git some on 'em yourself, though you may be a perfesser and singin' a Sam tune at the time, specially if the fence is broke down that separates you. I can see how it wuz with that Piece Commission and make allowances for 'em, but we didn't have a thing to do with it and we don't want any of the pieces." My axent carried conviction with it; I see she looked relieved. She didn't say it right out, but I felt that we hadn't fell in her estimation, and I went on:

"And I don't want you to blame Uncle Sam either, Si Ann. I believe he will help you all he can, help you in the right way, too; help you to help yourselves. But your folks have got to brace up and do their part; Uncle Sam will neighbor with you if you give him a chance. He's real good-hearted, though bein' so easy and good-natered, he is deceived lots of times and influenced and led around by them that want to make money out of him, such as the trusts and the liquor power. But he stands ready to neighbor with you, and don't turn your back on him, Si Ann. Don't do anything to get him huffy, for though he hain't quick to git mad, he's got a temper when it's rousted up."

She said sunthin' about Uncle Sam turnin' her folks out and not lettin' 'em step their feet on our sile. I couldn't deny it, and it kinder danted me for a minute how I wuz goin' to smooth that over, but concluded that as in every other emergency in life, the plain truth wuz the best, and I sez in a real amiable voice:

"Si Ann, there is two sides to that jest as there is to every national and neighborhood quarrel. Uncle Sam hain't liked the way your folks have acted with him, and though I dare presoom to say he's some to blame, yet I can see where your folks have missed it. They would flock right over to our place, crowdin' our own folks out of house and home, and expect Uncle Sam to protect 'em, and then they would jest rake and scrape all they could offen us and go home to spend their money; wouldn't even leave one of their bones in our ground. They didn't want to become citizens of the United States, they seemed to kinder want to set down and stand up at the same time, which hain't reasonable if it is done by an American or a Chinee."

She said sunthin' about the masses of other foreigners that Uncle Sam allowed to crowd into our country.

"Well," sez I, "they're willin' to become citizens, the German and English and Irish and Russian and Italian babies grow up Americans. But it wuzn't so with your folks, Si Ann. From the children's little pig-tails down to their little wooden shues they wuz clear China, soaked in, dyed in the wool, born so, and as long as their bones hung together and afterwards, clear China. They kep' themselves jest as fur from American institutions and beliefs as ile stays away from water and wouldn't mix any more. Their bodies stayed on our shores whilst they could make money out of us. But their souls and minds wuz jest as fur removed from our institutions and constitutions as if they wuz settin' in Jupiter with their legs hangin' off. It wuz galdin' to Uncle Sam and finally he had to stop it. But he didn't do it out of meanness. He jest had to, for of course you know your own folks come first."

And thinkin' mebby I'd been too hash describin' her folks I went on, "I spoze mebby that high stun wall of yourn has kinder stiffened and hardened the nature of your folks and made it harder for 'em to change. But you're on the right track now, Si Ann, you have begun to break down that big wall, you've begun to be more neighborly. And don't you ever crouch down and hide behind that great stun wall agin; you jest keep right on bein' neighborly and Uncle Sam will help you."

Si Ann looked real good and as if she took every word I said in good part; bein' naterally so smart she would recognize the onselfishness and nobility of my mission, but I see that there wuz a real pert look on one of the ladies' faces as she said sunthin' to one of the other ones, and I mistrusted that they didn't like what I had said about that wall of theirn, and I went on to say to Si Ann:

"Of course you may say that a nation or a woman has a right to do as they've a mind to, but common sense must be used if you are goin' to enjoy yourself much in this world. Now, we had a neighbor in Jonesville that sot out in married life determined not to borrow or lend, dretful exclusive, jest built a high wall of separation round herself and family. But after tryin' it for a year or so she wuz glad to give it up, and many is the cup of tea and sugar I've lent her since, and she borries and lends her washtub now or biler, or settin' hens, or anythin'. And she sez that she and her family takes as much agin' comfort now and are doin' as well agin', for of course the neighbors didn't set so much store by 'em as they did when their ports wuz open, as you may say, and they wuz more neighborly."

I could see by Si Ann's face that she not only enjoyed all I said, but believed a good share on't, and bein' such a case for justice, I felt that I ort to let her know I realized our own nation's short-comin's, as well as hern. Sez I, "I hain't got a word to say to you, Si Ann, about the different castes in your country, when the wimmen in my own land build up a wall between themselves and their kitchen helpers higher than the highest peak of your stun wall and harder to git over, and I don't want to say a word about your folks bindin' down their children's feet to make 'em small as long as our own females pinch down their waists till they're in perfect agony and ten times as bad as to pinch their feet, for the life, the vital organs don't lay in the feet, or hain't spozed to, and so it don't hurt 'em half so much to be tortured. And as long as they drag round yards of silk and velvet through the streets to rake up filth and disease to carry home and endanger their own lives and their families; no, as long as our females do all this I hain't nothin' to say about your dress and customs here, nor I hain't a goin' to cast reflections agin you about your men wearin' night gowns and braidin' their hair down their backs. Good land, Si Ann! you and I know what men be. We are married wimmen and seen trouble. You couldn't stop 'em if you tried to. If Josiah Allen took it into his head to braid his hair down his back, I should have to let it go on unless I broke it up sarahuptishly by cuttin' it off when he wuz asleep, but thank fortin' he hain't got enough so that the braid would be bigger than a pipe stale anyway if he should let it grow out, and he is so dressy he wouldn't like that. But I've tried to break up his wearin' such gay neckties for years and years, and if he should go out and buy one to-day it would most likely be red and yaller."

I felt that China hadn't been used exactly right; I knowed it. Younger nations--new-comers, as you may say--had made light on her and abused her, usin' the very type the Chinese had invented to say they didn't know anything and usin' the gunpowder they had invented to blow 'em up with. I had felt that the Powers hadn't treated 'em well, and I had made up my mind some time ago that when I see the Powers I should tell 'em what I thought on't. Then there wuz the opium trade--a burnin' shame! I wanted to sympathize with her about that, but thought mebby it wuz best to not harrer up her feelin's any more, so I sez in a real polite way:

"I have nothin' further to say now, Si Ann, only to bid you adoo and to tell you that if you ever come to Jonesville be sure and come and see me; I'll be proud and happy to have you."

Here Josiah had to put in his note: "Good-by, Widder!" sez he. If I had had time I would have tutored him; he spoke just as he would to widder Gowdey. I wanted him to act more courtly and formal, but it wuz too late, it wuz spoke. "Good-by, Widder; we'll have to be a-goin'. We've had quite a spell of weather, but it looks some like rain now, and I have a important engagement to-night, and we'll have to be gittin' hum."

But I gently withdrawed him, bowin' very low myself and lookin' dretful smilin' at her.

Like all great monarchs, she wanted to make her visitors a present, and she proposed to send us several drawin's of tea of the kind she used, and a little hunk of opium, though, as I told her, I should never use it in the world only to smoke in a pipe for the toothache; and she also proposed to send us a china sugar-bowl and a piece of the Chinee wall, which last I told her I should value high as a sign that the old things wuz passin' away and better days comin'.

And then I made some more real low bows and Josiah did, bein' wunk at by me, and we withdrawed ourselves from the Presence. But Josiah, always overdoin' things, takin' out his bandanna and a-wavin' it towards her as he bowed most to the ground. But what wuz my surprise as we walked away kinder backward, Josiah mutterin' to me that he should fall flat if he backed off much furder! What wuz my horrow to see Arvilly advance with a copy of her books and present 'em to the Empress. One of the ladies-in-waiting, who seemed to talk English quite considerable, looked at the books and read their titles to her Majesty, who immediately signified her desire to purchase 'em, and before she left the group Arvilly had sold three copies of the "Twin Crimes" and two of the "Wild and Warlike."

Poor Empress! Poor Si Ann! Well might she treasure the last-named book, "The Wild, Wicked and Warlike Deeds of Men." Poor thing! I am afraid she will see plenty of it herself. Them Powers, sometimes, when they git to goin', act like the Old Harry.

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