Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 30 – Holley · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 30Chapter 30
18
Literature · Humor
Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 30
Chapter 30
HolleyEnglish
The Vatican where the Pope keeps house is the biggest house in the world; its dimensions are one thousand one hundred and fifty-one feet, by seven hundred and sixty-seven feet. And if you want to realize the size of such a buildin', you jest try to frame it and you'd find out. Why, as I told Josiah, Joel Gowdey is called our best carpenter in Jonesville, but if he should try to plan that buildin', where would he be? He is a great case to scratch his head in difficulties, Joel is, and I guess he'd be pretty bald before he got through studyin' on it, much less doin' the work. It has twenty courts, two hundred staircases, and 'leven thousand rooms. Josiah worried some about it, and sez:
"What duz one old man want of 'leven thousand rooms? He can't be in more'n one to time, and if he tried to go round and see if his hired help kep' 'em swep' up and mopped and the winders cleaned, it would keep him on the go the hull time and be too much for him."
But I told Josiah that Mr. Pope didn't make use of the hull buildin' his own self, but there wuz libraries in it and museums and picture galleries. I believe myself Mr. Pope is a real likely man, of which more anon. I don't believe that there is a room in the U. S. or the hull surroundin' world so grand and magnificent as the Great Hall of the Vatican Library. It is over two hundred feet long, and glorious in architecture and ornaments from top to bottom. It contains the most priceless treasures in books and manuscripts. For hundreds of years the collection has been constantly growing by purchase, gifts and conquests. One of its choicest treasures is the Bible of the fourth century.
The picture galleries in the Vatican contain pictures and statutes enough, it seems to me, to ornament the parlors of the world if they wuz divided up. And the museum--I don't spoze there is so big a collection in the world of such rare and costly things, and I spoze like as not there will never be another one so large and valuable. I never should try it, nor Josiah wouldn't. It would be too big a tug on our strength, if we had oceans of money, and can no more be described than I could count the sands of the sea and set 'em in rows.
We thought one day we would visit the Pantheon. Miss Meechim didn't really want to go on account of her conscience partly, and I too felt some as she did, for it wuz a pagan temple riz up to all the gods twenty-seven years before Christ. But finally we all did go. As I told Miss Meechim, we could keep up a stiddy thinkin' on better things, if we wuz lookin' on pagan shrines.
She said she wuz afraid that Rev. Mr. Weakdew wouldn't approve of her being there, and she didn't seem to enjoy herself very much and I d'no as I did. But it must have been a glorious place as fur as beauty is concerned in its prime, for it is beautiful in its ruin. There are no windows, but it has a large circular openin' in the ruff through which I spoze the smoke of sacrifice ascended, not much, I believe, above the figures that used to stand up there fifty feet above the marble and porphry pavement--Mars, Jupiter, Apollo, Minerva, Vulcan, etc., etc. For all everything has been stole from this gorgeous temple that could be, it is grand-lookin' and beautiful now.
From the Pantheon we went to the Capitol--the Capituline Hill where justice wuz meted out to the public from kings and nobles.
We went safely past the two huge lions at the foot of the staircase--though Tommy got behind me when he first saw them--past the spot where Rianzi wuz killed. Here we see no end of statutes of the Cæsars, the Popes and other influential families. We stood on the spot where Brutus made that memorable speech, and I felt that I could almost see that noble figger as he stood there sayin': "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!" If I had been there, I'd lent him two pairs; mine and Josiah's in welcome.
The bronze wolf, spoke of by Mr. Cicero, is still standin' there; and in the museum here we see no end of rich sculpture, statutes, mosaic and beautiful, rare objects of art. Pliny's doves made a noble show; they are made of little pieces of stun, one hundred and sixty pieces in an inch; I couldn't done it to save my life. The Venus of the Capitol looks beautiful; Josiah thought she favored Sally Ann Henzy, but I didn't. And, 'tennyrate, Sally Ann would have scorned to appear in company in that condition; Sally Ann is real modest.
In the Pincian Garden, we see the villa of Lucullus, a brave soldier who had his faults, but wuz a good provider and thought a site of his vittles; he made me think of Josiah. And also we see the home of Mr. Nero--mean creeter--I wuz glad enough he passed away before I got there. My principles on intemperance and monopolies would have riled him up dretful, and Arvilly's talk made him hoppin' mad. I d'no what he would have took it into his head to do. And I never should have gin him the freedom of Jonesville, never, he needn't thought on't; nor I never should invited him to make a all day's visit to our house, nor a afternoon one, either.
They have beautiful fountains in Rome. All of a sudden as we went through a narrer street, we see a dazzlin' sheet of water come down from the rock shell work and statutes, clear streams of water seemed to be gushin' out on all sides, fallin' into a big reservoir big enough for a ship to float in, and one day we went to see the Baths of Caracella. Jest think of a bath a mile square, big enough for thirty or forty thousand folks to bathe in at one time. It is all in ruins now, but you can see from the thick walls, tall arches, the sides covered with costly mosaic, what they wuz in their glory. Josiah thought he could make a lovely piece of mosaic from the stuns down in our paster and slate stuns. He said if he could cover the front of the barn with the pictures of his travels in stun, some like the travels of Ulysses, it would be a boon to Jonesville. But good land! it would be a sight to behold made of stuns as big as your hand and all shapes. That ambition must be squenched. Josiah breathed this aspiration to me as we went through the Hall of the Emperors. And they didn't look no better nor so well as the bretheren in the Jonesville meetin'-house would if they wuz sculped and Josiah said so; though, of course, as I told him, they wuz dressed up more fancy. And he said: "Any decent woman would lend her nightgown for her pardner to be sculped in and handkerchief pins and lace under-sleeves and things."
Poppea Sabina, the second wife of Mr. Nero, wuz a beautiful-lookin' woman, though I don't spoze she wuz what she should be. Her husband kicked her to death some time ago. He ort to been kicked himself; I'd been willin' to hire the mule myself to done it, I wuz that put out thinkin' on't.
Josiah said "Poppy Sabriny wuz the best-lookin' figger there."
Arvilly said she most knew he'd been drinkin', it wuz so fashionable for drinkin' men to kick their wives, and sez she: "Oh, how I wish I could have canvassed Nero for the 'Twin Crimes' before he done it."
And I sez: "It might have been a good thing for Mr. Nero and for Poppy, but I don't know how it would have been with you, Arvilly; a man that would kick his wife to death wouldn't be apt to brook a book-agent."
"Yes," sez Josiah, "anybody that would kick Poppy Sabriny would do anything."
Sez I: "It would look just as well, Josiah, for a perfessor not to talk so much about another woman besides his pardner, even if she is a stun woman."
"Jealous of a statter!" sez Josiah skornfully.
"Not at all," sez I. "But Poppea Sabina wuz a pagan, and no better than she should be, and her folks wuzn't likely and----"
"Jest like a woman!" sez Josiah, "a man can't praise up another female, dead or alive, without his pardner picking flaws in 'em."
Well, I drawed his attention off onto the Cæsars, Augustus and Domitian, and quite a few on 'em. Nero's bust I despised lookin' at--brutal tyrant--as Josiah truly said anybody that would kill his wife and grandmother would do anything and wuz too mean to be looked at. If I could covered up his face I'd been willin' to used my best crape veil that I mourned for Mother Allen in. Nero's grandma, she that wuz Agrepina Agrippa, wuz good featured but broken-hearted lookin'. No wonder, havin' such a grandson in the family. Arvilly said as she looked at it, that she believed if old Miss Nero, his grandma, and his own ma had spanked him good and sound and sot him down hard in the corner from day to day he wouldn't acted and behaved so when he got bigger. She said she presoomed he wuz allowed to pierce flies with a pin and torter hornets and May bugs and rob birds' nests and tie cans to dogs' tails and act, and he got worse as he got bigger. And I d'no but she wuz right. I've seen the Nero sperit in small boys many times; why, I see it in Thomas Jefferson when he wuz little, but it wus squenched and he's come up noble.
Miss Meechim wanted to see the Paletine Hill, the spot where Romulus and Remus wuz nursed by a she wolf; Josiah don't believe it. He said no wolf would consent to bring up twins by hand, and no ma would ever allow it, but that's what they say. Miss Meechim explained here how when the twins had growed up Romulus harnessed a heifer and bull to a plough and laid out the site of the city. Robert Strong wuz full of memories of Cicero, Catalus, the Gracchi, and so wuz Dorothy. But no place interested me there so much as the Forum, where some think Paul wuz tried. He wuz tried before Nero, and there wuz Nero's judgment place, and there wuz the seat for prisoners. As I looked round me I could imagine the incomparable eloquence of Paul that sways the human heart as leaves are waved by a strong breeze, and his memory sweetened the hull place, and it needed it bad enough, yes indeed it did. But to resoom:
One day Arvilly and I wuz takin' a walk together, Josiah and Tommy bein' a little ahead, when we see a elegant carriage comin' along, a rich red color all ornamented with gold, with six horses, their gorgeous harnesses nice enough for bridal ornaments. And there wuz outriders goin' ahead and men in brilliant uniform fallin' in behind, and lots and lots of carriages follerin' on in the procession. There wuz a axident in front, two carriages goin' in opposite directions had smashed in together, and two or three fallin' over them wuz the cause. I see that in that splendid carriage right under my nose as it were, a gentleman sittin' alone, dressed up in a way that would have shed delight into the soul of Josiah Allen, and a female bystander sez, "There is the pope."
He had a bright red robe on, all covered with crosses and stars and orders, and a high peaked cap of the same color. And even as I looked at him I thought what a beautiful stripe them clothes would make in a rag carpet after he'd got through with 'em.
You could see he wuz good natered and smart and about as old as Salathiel Henzy and looked like him. His benign face wuz lookin' over the crowd as if he had a look into a better country. I liked his linement first-rate and believe he is a likely man, and I felt that it would encourage him to hear me say so, and also I felt that there wuz some things that I wanted to advise him for his good. So I advanced to the side of the carriage door and sez, holdin' out my hand in a cordial way:
"Good mornin', Mr. Pope; I am glad to see you lookin' so well."
Bein' took so completely by surprise, he held out his hand. They have told me since that he meant to have me kiss it, but I never thought on't nor shouldn't done it if I had, not bein' in the habit of kissin' strange men's hands; no, I grasped holt of it and shook it warmly just as I would Salathiel's.
He riz his hand up in benediction and said some words that I couldn't understand, but good ones I know from his looks, and I bent my head as reverent as I would before Elder Minkley. But as I lifted my eyes what wuz my horrow to see Arvilly advance takin' out "The Twin Crimes" from her work-bag and before I could interfere she had begun to canvass him. Sez she: "Mr. Pope, I have a book here I would like to call your attention to: 'The Twin Crimes of America: Intemperance and Greed.'" Good creeter, it wuz too bad. But it ended triumphant for Arvilly, for whether it wuz my noble words to him that had softened him down or whether it wuz that he knowed how rampant these two evils wuz in the United States and wanted to inform himself still further about it, 'tennyrate he looked the book over and said he would be glad to have the book, and he and two more of the leadin' men nigh him in that procession bought books, Arvilly deliverin' 'em on the spot and takin' her money. And if the stoppage in the crowd hadn't let up and they started on, I d'no but she would have canvassed the hull flower of the Romish meetin'-house; though we wuz told afterwards by one who pretended to know, that it wuzn't the Pope I had talked to and Arvilly had canvassed, but some other high dignitary in the meetin'-house.
We stayed on in Rome longer than we had laid out to, for our sweet Dorothy liked it there. And if she had took it into her head to set down on a lonesome rock in mid ocean, like a mermaid, for a week, there would the rest on us be sot round her till her mind changed. For the head of our party would have managed it some way so she could had her way. Not that she would do anything aginst the wishes of the rest of us, but she wuz happy there, and the rest of us all liked it and found plenty of things to interest us, but at last we did set out for Naples.
I had sot a good deal of store on seein' the Bay of Naples, and so had the other females of our party. Robert Strong had seen it before. And my pardner when I tried to roust up his interest and admiration by quotin' the remark so often made: "See Naples and die."
He said he wouldn't do any such thing, not if he could keep alive. "But," sez he, "more'n as likely as not the vile Italian cookin' will be too much for me and your prophecy may come true; I may see Naples and die--from starvation."
But I told him it wuz the incomparable beauty of the seen that wuz meant, that when you'd seen that you had beheld the best and most beautiful the world could offer you and you might as well pass away without tryin' any further.
And Josiah said he would ruther see the Jonesville creek down in the paster back of the house, where it makes a bend round our sugar house and the sugar maples grow clear down to the water's edge, and pussy willers lean down, so the pussy most touch the water, and you can see the brook trout darting about over the clean pebbles, than to see forty Napleses.
I too felt a good deal the same, but wouldn't encourage him by sayin' so. And the Bay of Naples wuz beautiful, its beauty stole on you onbeknown and growed and growed till it possessed your hull heart and soul, if you had a soul. It lays like a big blue liquid gem in its encirclin' settin' of fadeless green and flashing white walls, and crowned by the hantin' dretful beauty of Mount Vesuvius.
Naples is a big city, the biggest in Italy, and as easy to git into from land as Jonesville is, only on its principle avenues there are what they call barriers where they collect duties on provisions, etc., brought from the country.
Josiah thought that would be a splendid thing for him. Sez he, "I believe I shall have Ury help me and build a barrier in front of my house and take a tax for big loads that go by. Why," sez he, "at a cent a load I could make a splendid livin'."
But he won't try it. As I told him he might just as well lanch right out on Jonesville creek as a corsair, "and I've always said," sez I, "that never would I live on brigandage."
Some of the streets of Naples are narrer and noisy as Bedlam with market men and women cryin' out their wares and all sorts of street noises. Little donkeys carryin' loads fur too big for our old mair. A sort of a big loose bag hangs on each side on 'em piled up as high as they will hold with fruit, vegetables, flowers, etc.
Sometimes you will see such a big load walkin' off and can't for your life tell what propels it till bime by you will hear a loud bray from underneath. It sounds quite scareful. The little ridin' wagons of the poor people are packed too as I never see a hoss car in the U. S. Sometimes you will see more'n two dozen folks, priests, soldiers, men, women and children, and sometimes baskets full of vegetables and babies swingin' underneath and all drawed by a donkey; it hain't right and I wanted to talk to 'em about it, but didn't know as they would hear to me. But our old mair is used fur different.
The Cathedral is quite a noble lookin' buildin' and contains tombs of many noted people, Pope Innocent, King Andrew, Charles I. of Anjou, and many, many others. The Piazza del Municipio has a beautiful fountain, and there is one fashionable promenade over two hundred feet wide containing all sorts of trees and shrubs where you can see the Neopolitans dressed in fine array. There is a terrace extending into the sea, temples, winding paths, grottos, etc.
The Piazza del Plebiscito has an equestrian statute that wuz taken in the first place for Napoleon, then changed to General Murat and finally to Charles III. It made me think considerable of the daily papers who use one picture for all social and criminal purposes, and for Queen Victoria and Lydia Pinkham.
Some of the principal streets are straight and handsome, with blocks of lava right out of the bosom of the earth for pavement. It give me queer feelin's to tread on't thinkin' that it come from a place way down in the earth that we didn't know anything about and thinkin' what strange things it could tell if stuns could talk. Some of the best streets had sidewalks. It is well lighted by gas.
As you walk along the streets you see rich and poor, beggar and priest, soldier and peasant, every picturesque costoom you can think on and all sorts of faces. But there seems to be a kind of a happy-go-lucky air in 'em all, even to the beggars and the little lazy, ragged children layin' in the sunshine. The people live much out of doors here, you can see 'em washin' and dressin' the children, and doin' housework, and everything right from the street, and though I don't spoze the poor suffer so much here on account of the warm climate, yet dirt and rags and filth and vermin didn't look any better to me here than they did in Jonesville.
In Naples as a rule the lower parts of the houses are shops, restaurants, etc., and the upper stories are used for dwellings. The beautiful terraces of the city and the flat roofs of the houses are covered with shrubs and flowers, and filled with gayly dressed promenaders, givin' it a gay appearance. And you don't see in the faces of the crowd any expression of fear for the danger signal that smokes up in the sky, no more than our faces to home show signs of our realizin' the big danger signals on our own horizon.
I d'no as I ever had hearn of the third city that wuz destroyed when Herculaneam and Pompeii wuz. But Vesuvius did put an end to another city called Stabea at that time, most two thousand years ago, but that is some years back and I d'no as it is strange that the news hadn't got to Jonesville yet.
Naples has three hundred meetin'-houses, enough you would say to make the citizens do as they ort to. But I don't spoze they do. I hearn, and it come quite straight, too, that it is a dretful city for folks to act and behave, though it used us real well.
It has a good many theatres and has a large museum where I would be glad to spent more time than I did. Dretful interestin' to me wuz the rich frescoes and marbles dug up in the buried cities. Just to think on't how long they stayed down there under the ground, and now come out lookin' as well as ever whilst the Love or the Ambition that carved the exquisite lines have gone away so fur that we can't foller 'em; way into some other planet, mebby. Bronze statutes, the finest collection in the world they say, and all sorts of weapons, Etruscian vases, coins, tablets, marbles, ornaments of all kinds enough to make your head feel dizzy to glance at 'em.
Some of the statutes I didn't want Josiah to see; they wuzn't dressed decent to appear in company, but then agin I knew he wuz a perfessor and had always read about the Garden of Eden and Eve when she and Adam first took the place and wuz so scanty on't for clothes, but I didn't like their looks. Miss Meechim thought they wuz genteel and called it high art, and Josiah, for a wonder, agreed with her; they hardly ever think alike.
But I sez, "Josiah Allen, while I am a livin' woman, and a Methodist sister, you never will be sculped with nothin' but a towel hung over one arm, not even a paper collar on, and," sez I, "what should we think to go into a photograph gallery to home and see Sister Bobbett and Sister Gowdey portrayed with a little mosquiter nettin' slung over one shoulder?" Sez I, "It would be the town's talk and ort to be--you can call it high art, Miss Meechim, if you want to, but I shall always call it low art."
Miss Meechim murmured sunthin' about its bein' genteel, and Josiah looked round and didn't pay the attention to my earnest words that he ort to. I believe they did for a spell shet up them statters of Venus, but they had let 'em out agin when we wuz there. There wuz one statter of a woman with the top of her head and her arms off. Josiah said to me:
"The idee of puttin' that poor cripple in here amongst decent lookin' wimmen; if they pictured her at all they ought to pictured her as bein' carried to a hosspital."
Miss Meechim wuz nigh by and I see she had gone almost into spazzums of admiration over it, and on our family's account, didn't want to fall too low down in her estimation, so I wunk at him and whispered, "Josiah, that is the celebrated Sikey; it is the proper thing to fall into extacies of admiration and wonder when you see it." And I as I say not wantin' to demean myself any further before Miss Meechim, put up my two hands in an attitude of wonder, but which she could take for admiration if she wanted to, but I didn't say it wuz.
But Josiah sez, "Catch me a praisin' up a no armed female, one who has been scalped, too, in the bargain."
I hope Miss Meechim didn't hear him. She always praised just what wuz proper to praise, she always read in her guide book just what she ought to admire and then proceeded to admire it to once. As she boasted her mind wuz a eminently conservative and genteel mind.
As for me my mind and sperit loved to grope around more and find out things to praise and blame by rote and not by note, and Dorothy and Robert Strong was some so.
Arvilly wuz more bent on disseminatin' her books to help and instruct, and would have canvassed Michael Angelo himself for the "Twin Crimes," turning her back onto his most wonderful creations. As for Josiah, a wild goat leapin' through museums and picture galleries couldn't have been more scornful of contemporaneous judgment exceptin' when he tried to be fashionable.
Dear little Tommy would wander round with his arms clasped behind him under his velvet jacket and wonner at things to himself, and I spoze Carabi walked up and down beside him though we couldn't see him. Sometimes I felt kinder conscience smitten to think I couldn't honestly admire what seemed to be the proper thing to, and then agin I kinder leaned up agin the memory of John Ruskin and how he liked in art what he did like, and not what it was fashionable to, and I felt comforted.
One day, tired out with sightseein' and havin' sunthin' of a headache, I stayed to home while all the rest of the party went out and Miss Meechim invited me into their settin'-room as it wuz cooler there, so I had sot there for some time readin' a good book and enjoyin' my poor health as well as I could, when a card wuz brung in for Robert Strong. I told the hall boy that he wuz out but wuz expected back soon, and in a few minutes he come back usherin' in a good lookin' man who said he wuz anxious to see him on business and that he would wait for him. I knowed him from his picture as well as his card; it wuz Mr. Astofeller, a multi-millionaire, who had got his enormous wealth from trusts and monopolies.
I couldn't go back into my room for Josiah had the key, and so we introduced ourselves and had quite a agreeable visit, when all of a sudden right whilst we wuz talkin' polite and agreeable two long strings dangled down in front of the eyes of my soul, strings I had often clung to. Well I knowed 'em, and I sez to myself almost wildly:
Oh, Duty! must I cling to thy apron-strings here and now, enjoyin' as I do poor health and in another woman's room? For reply, them strings dangled down lower yet, and I had to reach up the arms of my sperit and gently but firmly grip holt on 'em and stiddy myself on 'em whilst I tackled him on the subject of monopolies, having some hopes I could convert him and make him give 'em up then and there and turn round and be on the Lord's side.
And bein' so dretful anxious to convince him, I begun some as the M. E. ministers sometimes do in a low, still voice, gradually risin' higher and deeper and more earnest. I told him my idees of trusts and monopolies and what a danger I thought they wuz to individual and national life. And I described the feelin's I felt to see such droves of poor people out of work and starvin' for the necessaries of life, whilst a few wuz pilin' up enormous and onneeded wealth, and I sez:
"Mr. Astofeller, what good does it do to heap up such a lot of money jest to think you own it and hide it from the tax collector? And bring up your daughters to luxury and foolish display, their gole being to give you a titled son-in-law who will bend down toward you from his eminence jest fur enough to reach your pockets, and if you refuse to have them emptied too many times you will anon or oftener have your daughter returned to you, her beauty eat up by sorrow, her ears tinglin' and heart burnin' with experiences a poor girl would never know. And bring up your sons to idleness and temptation, when you know, Mr. Astofeller, that it is Earnest Toil, wise-headed, hard-handed step-ma, that goads her sons on to labor and success. And it is not, as a rule, the sons of millionaires who are our great men. It is the sons of Labor and Privation that hold the prizes of life to-day and will to-morrow."
And sez I, reasonable: "What is the use, Mr. Astofeller, of so much money, anyway? You can't ride in but one buggy at a time, or wear more than one coat and vest, or sleep on more than one bed and three pillers at the outside, or eat more than three meals a day with any comfort, so why not let poorer folks have a chance to eat one meal a day--lots of 'em would be tickled to death to.
"Our Lord said: 'Take no thought for the morrow what ye shall eat or what ye shall drink;' and He must have meant that the time wuz comin' when juster laws should prevail, when Mammon should yield to Mercy and plunder changed to plenty for all and no burden of riches for any. The Bible sez that in those days when the pure influence of Jesus still rested on his disciples that they had everything in common."
Sez Mr. Astofeller, "Start ten men out rich Monday morning, and nine of them would be poor Saturday night, and the tenth one would own the money of all the rest."
And I sez: "I presoom so, if they had their own way, and that is a big argument to prove that there ought to be a wise head and a merciful hand at the hellum to look out for the hull on 'em. A good father and mother with a big family of children takes care of the hull on 'em. And if one is miserly and one a spendthrift and one a dissipator and one over-ambitious they watch over 'em and curb these different traits of theirn and adjust 'em to the good of all and the honor of their pa and ma. They spur on the indolent and improvident, hold back the greedy and ambitious, watch and see that the careless and good-natured don't git trod on, nor the strong make slaves of the weaker. The feeble are protected, temptations are kept out of the way of the feeble wills; the honest, industrious ones hain't allowed to perish for want of work they would gladly do, and the strong, keen-witted ones hain't allowed to steal from the onfaculized ones. Why, how it would look for that pa to let some of his children heap up more money than they could use, whilst some of the children wuz starvin'? It would make talk and ort to."
Mr. Astofeller said, "Millionaires are very charitable; look at their generous gifts on every side."
And I sez, "Yes, that's so; but Charity, though she's a good creeter and well thought on, hain't so good as Justice in lots of places."
He sez, "We give big gifts to the churches."
And I sez, "Yes, I know it; but do you think that the Lord is goin' to think any better on you for raisin' up costly temples sacred to the Lord who specially said in his first sermon that he had come to preach the Gospel to the poor, give sight to the blind, set at liberty them that are bound? As it is you rare up magnificent temples and hire eloquent clergymen to preach the doctrine that condemns you if they preach the Bible, which a good many on 'em do. For you must remember what it sez:
"If you who have plenty give not to your brother in need, how dwelleth the love of God in you? And if you have two coats and your poorer brother has none, you ort to give him your second best one. And you kneel down on your soft hassocks and pray all your enormous, needless wealth away from you, for you pray, 'Thy kingdom come,' which you know is the kingdom of love and equality and justice, and 'Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,' when you know that God's will is mercy, pity and love. And 'Give us our daily bread,' when you must know that you are takin' it right out of the mouths of the poor when you are makin' your big corners on wheat and meat, and freezin' the widder and orphan when you make your corners on coal."
Sez I, "Look at Robert Strong's City of Justice. Love, peace and happiness rains there. Every workman is content, for he has his pay for his labor and a fair percentage on profits. If the factory is prosperous the workman knows that he gets just as much accordin' for the work he puts in as if he owned the hull thing, and it is for his advantage to give good work and help it along all he can.
"Intemperance is not allowed to show its hoof and horns inside that city, for that would be injustice to the weak-willed and their families. Greed and plunder and the whiskey power has to stay outside, for the Bible sez without are dogs.
"Robert Strong might wring all the money he could from these workmen, wrop himself in a jewelled robe and set up in a gold chair and look down on the bent forms of the poor, sweating and groaning and striking and starving below him. But he don't want to. He is down there right by the side of 'em. Capital and labor walking side by side some like the lion and the lamb. He has enough for his wants, and they have enough for their wants, and there is mutual good-will there and peace and happiness. Hain't that better than discontent and envy and despair, bloody riots and revolutions? Cold, selfish, greedy Capital clutching its money-bags, and cowering and hiding away from starvin' infuriated strikers."
Sez I, growin' real eloquent, "Monopoly is the great American brigand hid in the black forest of politics. It has seized Labor in its clutches and wrings a ransom out of every toiler in the land.
"Monopoly steals out of Uncle Sam's pocket with one hand and with the other clutches the bread-money out of the tremblin' weak fingers of the poor. Is our law," sez I, "a travesty, a vain sham, that a man that steals millions for greed goes unpunished, while a man who steals a loaf to keep his children from starvin' is punished by our laws and scorfed at? Monopoly makes the poor pay tribute on every loaf of bread and bucket of coal, and the govermunt looks on and helps it. Shame! shame that it is so!"
Sez Mr. Astofeller, "Where would the world be to-day if it wuzn't for rich people building railroads, stringing telegraph and telephone wires, binding the cities and continents together?"
"Yes," sez I, "I set store by what they've done, just as I do on them good old creeters who used to carry the mails in their saddle-bags for so much a year. Folks felt tickled to death, I spoze, when they could send a letter by somebody for 10 cents a letter. And it wuz a great improvement on havin' to write and send it by hum labor, a boy and a ox team. But when I see Uncle Sam can carry 'em for two cents and one cent a-piece, why I can't help favorin' the idee of givin' Uncle Sam the job. And if he can carry letters so much cheaper why can't he carry packages at just the same reduced rate, and talk over the wires, etc., etc.?
"Not that I look down on them saddle-bags--fur from it--I honor 'em and I honor the rich men that have cut iron roads through continents, mountain and abyss, honor them that have made talkin' under the ocean possible and through the pathless air. Yes, indeed, I honor 'em from nearly the bottom of my heart. But I would honor 'em still more if they should now all on 'em stand up in a row before Uncle Sam, and say, We have done all we could to help the people (and ourselves at the same time), and now as we see that you can help 'em still more than we can, we turn our improvements all over into your hands to use for the people, for you can make travel jest as much cheaper as letter carryin', and do it just as peaceable. Why, what a stir it would make on earth and in heaven, and Uncle Sam would see that they didn't lose anything by it. He'd see jest what a grand thing they wuz doin', and pay 'em well for it. And these rich men, instead of leavin' their wealth in bags of greenbacks for moth and rust and lawyers to corrupt, and fightin' heirs to break through their wills and steal, would leave it in grateful memories and a niche in history where their benine faces would stand up with all the great benefactors of the race. Hain't that better, Mr. Astofeller, than to leave jest money for a fashionable wife and golf-playin' sons to run through?"
Mr. Astofeller said he believed it wuz better; he looked real convinced. And seein' him in this softened frame of mind I went on and brung up a number of incidents provin' that the great folks of the past had held a good many of my idees in regard to wealth. I reminded him of Mr. Cincinnatus who did so much to make Rome glorious, when the public sought him out for honors (he not a-prancin' through the country with torch-light processions and a brass band, talkin' himself hoarse, and lavishin' money to git it), no indeed, when they sought him for a candidate for public honors they found him a not fixin' up the primarys and buyin' bosses, but ploughin' away, just as peaceable as his oxen, workin' on his own little farm of four acres. He wuz satisfied with makin' enough to live on. Live and let live was his motto.
"And Mr. Regulus, the leader of the great Roman forces, wuz satisfied with his little farm of seven acres, creepin' up a little in amount from four to seven. But it wuzn't till long, long afterwards that the rich grew enormously rich and the poor poorer, and what a man had wuz honored instead of what he wuz. Over and over the drama has been played out, moderation and contentment, luxury and discontent, revolution and ruin, but I did hope that our republic, havin' more warnin's and nigher the millenium, wouldn't go the same old jog trot up, up--up, and down, down, down. I wuz some in hopes they would hear to me, but I d'no."
I could see that Mr. Astofeller wuz greatly impressed by what I said. I see he took out his watch a number of times, wantin' to see, I mistrusted, the exact minute that I said different things. He wuz jest like the rest of them millionaires, a first-rate lookin' and actin' creeter when you git down to the real man, but run away with by Ambition and Greed, a span that will take the bits in their mouth and dash off and carry any one further than they mean to be carried. He didn't say so right out but he kinder gin me to understand that I'd convinced him more'n a little. And I am lookin' every day to see him make a dicker with Uncle Sam (a good-hearted creeter too as ever lived Uncle Sam is, only led away sometimes by bad councillors), yes, I expect he will make a dicker with Uncle Sam for the good of the public and hasten on the day of love and justice. I am lookin' for it and prayin' for it; in fact the hull world is prayin' for it every day whether they know it or not when they pray "Thy kingdom come."
But to resoom: Robert Strong and Josiah come back almost simeltaneously, and I don't know what Mr. Astofeller's bizness wuz with Robert, sunthin' about California affairs, I guess, mebby politics or sunthin'. But 'tennyrate, if it wuz anything out of the way I know he would never get Robert to jine in with him.
