Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 33 – Holley · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 33Chapter 33
18
Literature · Humor
Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife 33
Chapter 33
HolleyEnglish
Miss Meechim wanted to visit Carlsbad, the great Bohemian watering place. She said it wuz a genteel spot and very genteel folks went there to drink the water and take the mud baths. And so we took a trip there from Vienna. It is only a twelve-hours' journey by rail. Our road lay along the valley of the Danube, and seemed to be situated in a sort of a valley or low ground, till we reached the frontiers of Bohemia, but it wuz all interestin' to us, for novelty is as refreshin' to older ones as to children. Cheerful, clean-lookin' little villages wuz scattered along the way, flourishin' orchards and long fields of grass and grain, and not a fence or hedge to break the peaceful beauty of the picture.
Anon we entered a mountainous country with blue lakes and forests of tall pine trees and knowed we had entered Bohemia. We see gypsy tents anon or oftener, for what are gypsies but true Bohemians, wanderers at will, hither and yon.
Josiah mentioned the idee of our leavin' the train for an hour or two and havin' our fortunes told by a real gypsy, but I told him sotey vosey that my fortune come along about as fast as I wuz ready for it, and I didn't know as I wanted to pay these swarthy creeters for lyin' to me. And he didn't contend for it, for which I wuz thankful.
All along the way we see shrines with the faces of our Lord and Mary and Joseph lookin' out of 'em. And anon a little hamlet would appear, a meetin'-house with five or six dwellin' houses clustered round it like a teacher in the midst of half a dozen scholars. Flowering shrubs and fruit trees almost hid the houses of the quiet little hamlets, and then we'd go by a village with forty or fifty houses, and as I told Arvilly, in all these little places so remote from Jonesville and its advantages, the tragedy of life wuz goin' on just as it did in bigger places.
And she said she wondered if they drinked; sez she, "If they do there is tragedies enough goin' on."
Bohemia is a country of orchards. I should say there was fruit enough there so every man, woman and child there could have bushels and bushels of it to spare after they had eat their fill. Even along the highways the bending trees wuz loaded with fruit. A good plan, too, and I told Josiah I would love to introduce it into Jonesville. Sez I, "How good it would be to have the toil-worn wayfarers rest under the shady branches and refresh themselves with good fruit."
And he said "He didn't want to toll any more tramps into Jonesville than there wuz already."
And I spoze they would mebby find it too handy to have all the good fruit they wanted hangin' down over their heads as they tramped along--I d'no but it would keep 'em from workin' and earnin' their fruit.
Anon the good car would whirl us from a peaceful country into mountain scenery, huge ledges of rock would take the places of the bending fruit trees, and then jest as we got used to that we would be whirled out agin, and see a peaceful-lookin' little hamlet and long, quiet fields of green.
In the harvest fields we see a sight that made me sad and forebode, though it seemed to give Josiah intense satisfaction. We see as many agin wimmen in the harvest field as we did men, and in Carlsbad we see young girls carryin' brick and mortar to the workmen who wuz buildin' houses. I thought as I looked out on the harvest fields and see wimmen doin' all the hard work of raisin' grain and then havin' to cook it after it wuz made into flour and breakast food it didn't seem right to me, it seemed as if they wuz doin' more than their part. But I spozed the men wuz off to the wars fightin' and gittin' killed to satisfy some other man's ambition, or settlin' some other men's quarrels.
Josiah sez, smilin' happily, "Wouldn't it look uneek to see Philury mowin' in our oat and wheat fields, and you and Sister Bobbett rakin' after and loadin' grain and runnin' the thrashin' machine?"
"Yes," sez I, "when I foller a thrashin' machine, Josiah Allen, or load a hay rack it will look uneeker than will ever take place on this planet, I can tell you to once."
But Arvilly sez, "Don't be too sure, Josiah Allen's wife; with three wars bein' precipitated on our country durin' one administration, and the conquered contented regions havin' to be surrounded by our soldiers and fit all the time to keep 'em from laughin' themselves to death, you don't know how soon all of our men will be drafted into the army and we wimmen have to do all the farm work."
"Yes," sez Josiah, "that is so, and you would be a crackin' good hand to pitch on a load of hay or mow away, you are so tall."
"And you," sez she with a defiant mean, "would be a good hand to put in front of the battle field; you're so short, the balls might not hit you the first round."
She put a powerful emphasis on the "might not," and Josiah looked real agitated, and I sez:
"Such talk is onprofitable, and I should advise you, Josiah, to use your man's influence to try to make peace for the country's good, instead of wars for the profit of Trusts, Ambition, etc., and you can escape the cannon's mouth, and Arvilly keep on sellin' books instead of ploughin' and mowin'."
Robert Strong and Dorothy enjoyed Carlsbad the best that ever wuz. I don't think they sot so much store by the water as they did the long mountain walks. Everybody here becomes a mountain climber. The doctors here agree that this exercise is a great means of cure, and they make the climbing easy and delightful. There are over thirty miles of good roads over the mountains and around Carlsbad, and as you climb upwards anon or even oftener you come to pretty little pavilions where you can rest and look off onto the delightful scenery, and every little while you'll come to a place where you can git good refreshments to refresh you.
The Sprudel, or Bubbling Well, bubbles over in a stream of almost boiling hot water five or six inches in diameter. It is so hot that you can't handle the mugs it is served in with your naked hand, you hold it by a napkin and have to take it a little sip at a time if you don't want to be scalded.
Josiah had disputed with me about the waters being so hot. He said it didn't look reasonable to him that bilin' hot water would flow out of the cold ground, and he knowed they had told stories about it. "Why," sez he, "if it wuz hot when it started it would git cooled off goin' through the cold earth."
But I sez: "They say so, Josiah--them that have been there."
"Well," sez he, "you can hear anything. I don't believe a word on't."
And so in pursuance of his plan and to keep up his dignity he wouldn't take a napkin with his mug of water, but took holt on't with his naked hand and took a big swaller right down scaldin' hot.
He sot the mug down sudden and put his bandanna to his mouth, and I believe spit out the most on't. He looked as if he wuz sufferin' the most excruciating agony, and I sez:
"Open your mouth, Josiah, and I will fan it."
"Fan your grandmother!" sez he. "I didn't like the taste on't, Samantha; it most sickened me."
But I sez: "Josiah Allen, do you want some liniment on your hand and your tongue? I know they pain you dretfully."
Sez he, smilin' a dretful wapeish smile: "It is sickish tastin' stuff." And he wouldn't give in any further and didn't, though I knew for days his mouth wuz tender, and he flinched when he took anything hot into it.
As I would look dreamily into the Bubblin' Well I would methink how I do wish I knowed how and where you come to be so hot, and I'd think how much it could tell if it would bubble up and speak so's we could understand it. Mebby it wuz het in a big reservoir of solid gold and run some of the way through sluice ways of shinin' silver and anon over beds of diamonds and rubies. How could I tell! but it kep' silent and has been mindin' its own bizness and runnin' stiddy for over six hundred years that we know on and can't tell how much longer.
Exceptin' in the great earthquake at Lisbon about a hundred and fifty years ago, it stopped most still for a number of days, mebby through fright, but afer a few days it recovered itself and has kep' on flowin' stiddy ever since. It wuz named for Charles IV., who they say discovered it, Charle's Bath or Carlsbad. His statute stands in the market-place and looks quite well. Carlsbad has a population of twenty or thirty thousand, and over fifty thousand people visit Carlsbad every summer to drink of the waters. Drinking and walking is what the doctors prescribe and I d'no but what the walking in the invigorating mountain air does as much good as the water. The doctor generally makes you drink a glass about seven in the morning, then take a little walk, then drink another glass, and another little walk and so on until about eight, when you can go to the Swiss bakery and get the zwiebach or twice baked bread, which is handed you in a paper bag, and then you can go to some cafay on the sidewalk and get coffee or tea and boiled eggs and make out your breakfast. No butter is given you unless the doctor orders it. That madded Josiah and he said they kep' it back because they wuz clost and wanted to save. He is a great case for butter.
And then after resting for an hour, you go for a walk up the mountains, or if you are too weak to walk, you can get a cart and a donkey, the driver walking alongside; up the shady paths you will go, resting anon or oftener at some pleasant summer house or cafay. At one you have your dinner, you can get it anywhere along your way or go back to your tarven for it; Josiah and I generally went back and got our dinner at the tarven and rested for a while. After dinner, folks generally go for another walk, but Josiah and I and Tommy used often to go to the Sprudel Corridor and listen to first-rate music or to a garden concert nigh by.
It wuz a sight to set in the Sprudel Corridor and see the crowds of people go by, each one bearin' a little mug in their hands or strapped over their shoulders. All sorts of lookin' folks, handsome and humbly, tall and short, thick and thin, thousands and thousands of 'em a-goin' every morning for their drink and walk, drink and walk. There are six or eight little girls at each of these springs who hand the water to the guests and they have to work spry to keep 'em all supplied.
It wuz a remarkable coincidence that royalty so soon after havin' the advantage of a interview and advice from Josiah Allen's wife should agin have the privilege of listenin' to her invaluable precepts. But not so remarkable when you come to study on it philosophically. For it seems to be a law of nater that if one thing happens, another similar thing follers on and happens too, such as breakin' dishes, onexpected company, meetin' royalty, etc., etc.
I wuz settin' alone in the Sprudel Corridor one day, for my pardner had gone with Tommy to see a little donkey that had took the child's fancy and we meant to let him have a ride up the mountain on it and the rest of our party had driv out to Mentoni's Spring, about two milds from Carlsbad.
I see a real sweet pretty girl coming along carrying her little mug just like the rest of the folks. She wuz attended by a good-lookin' lady, who seemed to be looking out for her, and I hearn a bystander say:
"That's the Queen of Holland."
When I wuz told that the Queen of Holland wuz approachin' I sez, "You don't say so! you don't say that that is Willieminy?"
"Yes," sez the bystander standin' by.
And I tell you I looked at her with all the eyes I had, and if I had had a dozen more I should have used them all, for I liked her looks first-rate, fair complected, blue eyes, light wavy hair, and a air of demure innocence and wisdom that wuz good to see. She wuz pretty and she wuz good, I could see that as plain as I could tell a buff cochin hen from a banty. And I wuz glad enough, when havin' discovered sunthin' she had left behind, her companion left her and went back to the tarven and she come and sot down right by my side to wait for her.
And as my rule is, I immegiately lived up to my privileges and told her how highly tickled I wuz to have the chance to see her and tell her how much store I sot by her. Sez I: "My dear, I have always wanted to see you and tell you how much I have liked almost every move you've made since you got to be a sovereign and before. Your crown hain't seemed to be top heavy, drawin' your fore top and your common sense down with it as some crowns do. You've wore it sensible and you've carried your septer stiddy, and for a young girl like you to do them things has seemed a great thing to me. A good many young girls would be carried away if they wuz in a place like yours; I am most afraid Tirzah Ann would at your age."
"Tirzah Ann?" sez she inquirin'ly.
"Yes, Josiah Allen's girl by his first wife," sez I. "I did my best bringin' her up, but if a kag is filled with rain water you can't tap it and have it run cream or maple molasses. She wuz nateraly kinder sentimental and vain and over dressy, and keeps up them traits to this day. And I d'no what she would have done if she'd tried to rule a kingdom at eighteen; I guess her subjects would have seen strange doin's and strange costooms, though I think Tirzah means to be a Christian. But you've done first-rate, you've seemed to study the best good of your subjects and have made a big effort to have peace in the world. I wuz dretul interested when you had that Peace Conference meet in your 'House in the Woods.' I'd been more'n willin' to had it meet in our sugar house, but it wuzn't big enough, and it wuzn't so central; it wuz better to have it where it wuz.
"I guess I sot more store by your doin's in that respect than by any other, for peace is what a sovereign and a subject must have to git along any ways comfortable. And at the present time what a comfort it would be if the nations of the world could git holt on it. But it almost seems as if peace had spread her wings and flowed away from this planet, such cuttin's up and actin's are on every side, wars and rumors of wars, armies and navies crashin' up aginst each other, nations risin' up aginst nation, brothers' hands lifted up aginst brothers and the hull world seemin' to be left to the mercy of the bloody fiend, War.
"Well, you and I can't help it, Willieminy. I've done all I could in Jonesville. I've talked a sight and sot Josiah up all I could to vote for peace, and you've done all you could in Holland, and so now we've got to set down and trust in the Providence that watches over Jonesville and Holland."
She acted as if she felt real pleased with my praise, as well she might, and I sez, "Another thing I've liked in you, Willieminy, you wuz so bound and determined to pick out your pardner for yourself and not have him selected for you. Why, good land! a dress or a pair of shues or gloves hain't half so apt to fit and set well if you leave 'em for somebody else to pick out for you, and much more a pardner. I honored you for your idees in that direction, for you've probably found out, my dear," sez I, "that even if you take sights of pains and pick him out yourself, a pardner is sunthin' that requires lots of patience and long sufferin' to git along with, though real convenient to have round lots of times when tramps are about, or reachin' up overhead in the buttery, or at funerals, etc. It always looks nobler to have a man along with you than to mog along alone. And men are about on a average as fur as their goodness goes with their female pardners most of the time.
"But he will be no he-angel, if you cross him just before meal time, or don't see that his clothes are mended up good. I hearn once of a young bride who thought her husband wuz perfect, and I spoze looked at his backbone sarahuptishushly from day to day a-worryin' for fear his wings would sprout out and he would soar away from her to go and be an angel. But one day she mended a hole in his pocket, and bein' on-used to mendin' she took a wrong turn, and sewed the pocket right up.
"Well! well! I don't spoze she ever worried about his angel qualities after that time. I spoze he cut up dretful and said words she never dremp of his knowin' by sight, and she wuz jest as surprised and horrified as she would have been to had a lamb or a cooin' dove bust out in profanity. But he wuz a likely man, and got over it quick, and wuz most too good to her for a spell afterwards, as pardners have been wont to do on such occasions ever since the creation of the world.
"But, as I say, matrimony has difficulties enough when Love heads the procession and Wedded Bliss plays the trombone in the orkestry."
She looked real interested as if my words wuz awful congenial to her. And whilst watchin' her sweet face growin' brighter and sweeter, I thought of another thing that I thought mebby she had been worryin' about and that I could comfort her up in, just as I would want our Tirzah Ann comforted under like circumstances, and I got real eloquent talkin' about this before I got through.
Sez I: "Of course, my dear, there wuz some talk about your pardner havin' his eye on your proppity, but I wouldn't let that worry me, for I've always said that if I wuz a rich, handsome young woman, I would just as soon be married for my money as my beauty. They're both outside of the real self, equally transitory, or in fact, the money if invested in govermunt bonds is more lasting. For the national system is fur more firm and steadfast than the physical.
"Fifty years hence I spoze the money will all be safe and gainin' interest, so if that is what a woman is married for she will keep her attraction and even increase it. But fifty years hence where will her beauty be, if she wuz married alone for that? Where are its powerful attractions? All gone. If she had nothing but the beauty of snowy brow and brilliant eye and clustering locks and perfect features.
"But beauty that looks from the soul through the face. Ah! that is another thing! That still remains when the dusky hair is changed to white, when the glow is turned to shadows in the eyes, when the lithe form is bent. That is a bit of the eternal, and forever young like its Creator. You have got that beauty, my dear, as well as proppity, so don't worry."
I felt real eloquent, and I could see by her looks that I wuz impressin' her powerfully and givin' her sights of comfort in her tryin' place.
But I knew that eppisodin', though interestin' and agreeable, devoured time, and I knew that I must hold my eloquent emotions back and let Common Sense take the reins and conclude my remarks, so I sez:
"I hope from the bottom of my heart that your pardner is a good man, one that hain't too uppish, and is willin' to chore round the house a little if necessary, and set store by you in youth and age, and that you and he will live happy and reign long over a peaceful and happy land."
I see her companion in the distance comin' slowly back as if not hardly dastin' to interrupt our conversation, and I sez, "Good-by, my dear, and God bless you. Give my respects to your pardner and Queen Emma, and if you ever come to Jonesville I would love to have you make me a all day's visit, and I'll invite the children and kill a hen and make a fuss.
"I don't spoze Jonesville is so neat as Amsterdam; I spoze you can set down and eat offen the sidewalk in Holland most anywhere, but I am called a good housekeeper, and will do the best I can. And now I don't want you to put yourself out in the matter, but if you should come and could manage it handy, if your ma would bring me some of your tulip seeds I'd swop with her and give her some of the handsomest sunflowers she ever laid eyes on, and they make splendid food for hens to make 'em lay."
She didn't give me any answer about this either way, and I thought mebby her ma might be short on it for bulbs, and I wouldn't say anything more about it. But she bid me good-by real pleasant and we shook hands and wuz jest partin' away from each other when I thought of another very important thing that I wanted to warn the dear young queen about, and I turned round and sez:
"Oh, I must warn you solemnly of one thing more before we part; I have worried a sight about it; thinkin' so much on you as I do, I have been dretful afraid that you would be overflowed. If there should be big rains and the ocean should rise half an inch I've felt I didn't know what would become of you. You had better keep wash-tubs and pails handy and don't be ketched out without rubber boots, and keep your eye on leakages in the ground as well as govermuntal and financial affairs. And now again I will say, my dear, God bless you and farewell."
She shook hands agin quite warm, and with a sweet smile on a pretty young face she assured me that she would be careful, and she jined her companion and went on towards the spring. And I know she wuz dretful pleased with what I'd said to her for I hearn her fairly laugh out as she told the lady about it.
Whilst we wuz in Carlsbad Miss Meechim took the mud baths. She said they wuz considered very genteel and I guess mebby they wuz, so many things are genteel that are kinder disagreeable. They wuz also said to be first-rate for the rumatiz and the nerves. But it seemed to me I had almost ruther have nerves than to be covered all over with that nasty black mud.
They take about sixty pounds of clay and mix it with the hot spring water till it is just about as thick as I make the batter for buckwheat cakes in Jonesville, and I make that jest about as thick as I do my Injin bread. And you git into this bath and stay about half an hour. Then of course before you're let loose in society you're gin a clean water bath to git the mud off. Miss Meechim thought they helped her a sight, and mebby they did, and she boasted a lot how genteel they wuz.
But I told her I had never been in the habit of settin' store by mud and lookin' up to it, and didn't believe I should begin at this late day, but Josiah's rumatiz wuz so bad I didn't know but he had better take one. But he said he had took one in Jonesville some years ago that would last him durin' his nateral life.
He did fall into a deep mud-puddle one night goin' to sister Celestine Gowdey's for a bask pattern for Tirzah Ann. And it bein' dark and the puddle a deep one he floundered round in it till he looked more like a drownded rat than a human bein'. He never could bear basks from that hour till this, and he has always dated his rumatiz from that time, but it hain't so; he had it before. But 'tennyrate he wouldn't take the mud baths at Carlsbad, nor none of us did but Miss Meechim. Howsumever there are lots of folks that set store by 'em.
