The History and Records of the Elephant Club 18 – Doesticks · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The History and Records of the Elephant Club 18First Evening with the Club
18
Literature · Humor
The History and Records of the Elephant Club 18
First Evening with the Club
DoesticksEnglish
"Dogs bark."--SHAKESPEARE.
As soon as the members of the Elephant Club had recovered their normal appearance, each issued forth alone to catch further glimpses of the colossal quadruped of the metropolis. Each was assiduous in pursuing his investigations, and all manifested a spirit of self-denial worthy of martyrs in the cause of scientific research. The quantity of bad liquors they drank in forming new acquaintances, it were useless to estimate; the horrible cigars they smoked with those acquaintances are beyond computation, and yet they never flagged for a moment. After a few days, thus passed, the Higholdboy thought it time the club should hear the reports of its members. He, accordingly, put up on the bulletin a notice, stating that he expected the attendance of every member on a certain evening.
The evening came, and with it came the members. The weather was sufficiently warm to admit of the windows being up, and a fine, cooling draught of air passed through the apartment. The gentlemen filled their pipes and proceeded to take it easy. Mr. Dropper hung himself upon two chairs; Boggs stretched himself upon a sofa; Van Dam took off his coat, rolled it up for a pillow, and laid himself out on the floor. Quackenbush put an easy-chair by the door, and seated himself there to act as sentinel. Mr. Spout, the Higholdboy, moved his official chair up to one of the windows, turned the back upon his fellow-members, seated himself, raised his feet to the window-casing, and said that, with his eyes looking out between the toes of his boots upon the tiles and chimney-pots, it could not be said he had seen any disorderly conduct, if the members should see fit to vary the monotony of the proceedings by getting up an extemporized row among themselves. Johnny Cake alone seemed aware that a necessity existed for the exhibition of proper dignity on the part of the meeting. He sat by the table proudly erect. His standing collar, neatly-tied cravat, and scrupulously clean exterior, corresponded with his prim deportment.
It became a serious question who should open his budget of experience first. There was no rule to coerce a member to commence; consequently, appeals were made to the magnanimity of each other. These were irresistible, and all suddenly became willing and even anxious to make the beginning.
Mr. Dropper, however, got the floor first. He insisted that he was not in the habit of appearing in large assemblies as a prominent participant in the proceedings, and, in consideration of this fact, he ventured to hope that his incipient efforts would not be judged of harshly.
Mr. Dropper's spasmodic modesty excited the boisterous mirth of his fellow-members.
Mr. Remington Dropper commenced:
"Gentlemen of the Elephant Club," said he, "the subject which I have to present for your consideration this evening is a remarkable instance of the genus homo which I accidentally came across in my peregrinations a few evenings since. I was returning home from the theatre, and in passing a door-way in Broadway, I discovered a man seated on the stone step, with his form reclining against the door-casing. The gas-light shone directly in his face, which revealed to me the fact that he was asleep. The singularity of his personal appearance could not fail to attract my attention, and I stopped to study his form, features, and dress, to determine, if I could, who and what he was. His face had evidently been put up askew. The corner of his mouth, the eye and eyebrow on one side were inclined downward, giving him a demure and melancholy look; but on the other side they were inclined upwards, which made that side show a continued grin. A front view of his face was suggestive of both joy and melancholy, which was equal to no expression at all, as the expression on one side offset that of the other. His coat, which was buttoned tightly about him, was neither a dress nor a frock, but the skirts were rounded off in front, making it a compromise between the two. His pants were also a go-between; they were neither white nor black, but in point of color, were a pepper-and-salt formation. The leg on one side was rolled up. On one foot was a boot, on the other a shoe. He wore a very dirty collar, which, on the laughing side of his face was Byronic, and on the solemn side, uncompromisingly erect. His hat was an antiquated shanghae--black on the crown and light underneath the brim. If a noun, he was certainly a very uncommon, but not strictly a proper noun. If a verb, he seemed to be passive. The tense of his general appearance it would be difficult to determine. Strictly, it was neither past nor present, nor was it in accordance with my ideas of the future. To a certain extent it was all three. His seedy exterior was the remains of the past, existing in the present, and existing prospectively in the future. His mood was subjunctive, full of doubt and uncertainty. Judging from his entire appearance, I could come to no other conclusion as respects his character, than that he was a combination of ups and downs, a concentration of small differences, a specimen of non-committalism in everything except an entire abstinence from water used as a means of purifying his body externally, and his clothing. His red nose led me to suspect that he did not bathe with cold water to an alarming extent inwardly. The individual was remarkable, not for what he was, but for what he was not.
"Such were my thoughts, gentlemen, and I determined to awake the unconscious sleeper, to see how far my conclusions were right. I shook him well, and accompanied my act with a peremptory order to 'get up.' After a moment he roused himself and looked at me, but immediately dropped his eyes. I commenced a dialogue with him, which, as near as I can recollect, was as follows:
"'What are you doing here?' said I.
"'Dun'no,' was the response.
"'You're certainly quite drunk.'
"'Likely.'
"'That is an offence against the law.'
"'Des'say.'
"'You've been arrested for drunkenness before.'
"'Werry like. But I 'aven't been a doin' nuthin' helse.'
"'But I've arrested you before,' said I, playing the policeman, in order to continue the conversation.
"'Des'say, hofficer; but did I hoffer any resistance?'
"'Your weight did.'
"'Vas it wiolent?'
"'You were too drunk to make any violent resistance.'
"'Des'say; I honly inquired for hinformation.'
"'What's your name?'
"'Vich name do you vant to know?'
"'Your whole name, of course.'
"'Bobinger Thomas.'
"'Where were you born, Thomas?'
"'Hingland.'
"'What is your business?'
"'My perwession?'
"'Yes.'
"'It's warious. I never dabbled with law, physic, or diwinity.'
"'I asked you what your profession is--not what it isn't.'
"'My perwession now, or vot it used to vos?'
"'Your present profession, of course.'
"'Vell--nuthin'.'
"'Well, what was your profession in the past?'
"'Vot do you vant to know for?'
"'I shall answer no questions; but you must. Now tell me what your past profession was.'
"'Dogs.'
"'Are you a dog-fancier?'
"'Poss'bly; I fancies dogs.'
"'What breed of dogs do you fancy?'
"'Them as I gets in Jersey.'
"'What do you do with the dogs that you get there?'
"'I vouldn't go into the business if I vos in your sitivation. It don't pay any more, 'cause there's so many coves as has inwested. I left 'cause it vos hoverdid.'
"'I hadn't the slightest intention of going into the business. I asked you for information.'
"'Glad to 'ear you say so. I vos halmost hutterly ruined in it.'
"'Well, what do you do with the dogs?'
"'I doesn't follow the perwession no more.'
"'I asked you what you did with the dogs you picked up in New Jersey.'
"'They muzzles dogs now more than they did vonce.'
"'Tell me what you did with the dogs.'
"'If you nab a cove for gettin' drunk vot do they do vith 'im?'
"'Are you going to answer my question?'
"'Vill they let me off if I tell vere I got the liquor?'
"'Look here, Thomas, answer my question.'
"'Vot do they do vith the coves as sells?'
"'I shan't trifle with you any longer. If you don't tell me what you do with the dogs, I shall enter a charge of vagrancy against you.'
"'Vell, I didn't sell 'em for sassengers.'
"'What did you sell them for?'
"'I didn't sell 'em.'
"'How did you dispose of them?'
"'Is old Keene varden of the penitentiary now?'
"'Tell me, now, what you did with the dogs.'
"'I took 'em to the dog pound.'
"'What did you do with them there?'
"'Vy, doesn't they muzzle cats the same as dogs?'
"'Look here, Thomas, you must answer my question without equivocation. I want to understand the details of this dog-business. What did you do with them at the dog-pound?'
"'For hevery dog as ve takes to the pound ve gets an 'arf a slum.'
"'Then it seems you caught your dogs in New Jersey, brought them to the New York dog-pound, and claimed for your philanthropic exertions the reward of a half a dollar, offered by ordinance for every dog caught within the limits of New York?'
"'Vell, if you'd been born into the perwession, you couldn't have understood its vays better.'
"'You are a sweet subject, certainly.'
"'Des'say.'
"'Are you not ashamed of yourself, to be found lying drunk in door-ways?'
"'B'lieve so.'
"'Are you not certain you are?'
"'Prob'bly.'
"'Did you drink liquor to-night?'
"'P'r'aps.'
"'Where did you get it?'
"'Dun'no.'
"'What kind was it?'
"'I halvays 'ad a passion for gin.'
"'Was it gin you drank to-night?'
"'Des'say.'
"'Are you not sure that it was?'
"'Mebbee.'
"'How often do you drink?'
"'Honly ven I've got the blunt to pay. Dutchmen vont trust now.'
"'Did you have any money to-night?'
"'Likely.'
"'How did you get it?'
"''Oldin' an 'orse for a cove.'
"'How much did you get for that?'
"'A shillin.'
"'With that you bought gin?'
"'Prob'bly.'
"'And got drunk?'
"'Poss'bly.'
"'Thomas, where do you live?'
"'Noveres, in p'tickler.'
"'Where do you eat?'
"'Vere the wittles is.'
"'Where do you sleep?'
"'Anyveres, so that the M.P.s can't nab me.'
"'You ought to be sent to Blackwell's Island as a vagrant.'
"'Des'say.'
"'You've been there, have you not?'
"'Mebbee.'
"'Don't you know whether you've been there or not?'
"'P'r'aps.'
"'Are you certain of anything?'
"'Dun'no.'
"'Now, Thomas,' said I, in conclusion, 'I am going to let you off this time, but I hope you will keep sober in the future. Now, here is a quarter for you, to pay for your lodging to-night.'
"Thomas, the non-committalist, accepted the silver.
"I concluded to ask him one more question, in hopes to get a direct and positive answer.
"'Will you use that money to pay for a bed?' I asked.
"'Des'say,' said he, upon which I vamosed."
The Higholdboy raised himself from his official seat before the window, turned round, got on his knees in the chair, leaned his head on his hands and his arms on the chair-back, and whilst everybody was still and quiet, he called out, in a stentorian voice, "Order." The effect of this peremptory demand was to induce considerable disorder, as no one was willing to be regarded out of order, even by implication, without some foundation. Everybody talked and nobody listened, except Mr. Dropper, and it was not until Mr. Quackenbush had stuffed a ham sandwich down the throat of the Higholdboy, thrown a box of sardines at the head of Van Dam, tipped over the timid Boggs, and poured a lemonade down the throat of Johnny Cake, that they would consent to hear what he desired to say.
"Gentlemen," said Quackenbush, "that's a remarkably fine story, isn't it?"
"Des'say," said Spout.
"Werry like," responded Van Dam.
"Mebbee," replied Johnny Cake.
"Likely," remarked Boggs, as he picked himself up, preparatory to letting himself down in three chairs.
Mr. Spout left his chair, and moved to that particular locality in the apartment where the bell-pull, leading to the bar below, was situated. He gave sundry pulls in accordance with the previously-arranged system of telegraphing, and in a few minutes they were answered by a young gentleman, with a tin waiter in his hands, on which were placed divers decoctions, which stand in better repute outside of total abstinence societies than inside. Each took his mixture until it came to Johnny Cake, when the Higholdboy passed over to him a mild beverage, called a port wine sangaree. Johnny refused to accept it, and announced that he was strict in his adherence to principle--that he never indulged in anything which could intoxicate. A lemonade he would indulge in sometimes, but a port wine sangaree--never--never--NEVER.
When Johnny Cake had finished his indignant repudiation of the port wine sangaree amid the cheering of his fellow members, Mr. James George Boggs arose. He mounted a chair, and made an effort to speak. He was greeted with loud applause.
As soon as these manifestations had subsided, he said:
"Fellow-citizens (applause); I may say that it is with feelings of the most profound gratification (loud applause), that I meet, this evening, the members of the illustrious Elephant Club (continued applause), of which I am an unpretending and obscure member (renewed applause). Gentlemen, I do not like to appear as an apologist, and much less an apologist for my own shortcomings (loud and continued applause). Gentlemen, I protest against your unwarranted interference when I am trying to be funny (applause and cheers). I am a modest man, and I am unwilling to stand here to be fooled with (enthusiastic applause); Mr. Dropper, if you don't shut up your mouth, I'll knock your moustache down your throat (tremendous applause). Mr. Spout, you are the Higholdboy of this club, but I'll hit you with a brick if you don't keep better order. (Cries of "Order!" "Order!") If you'll stop your blasted noise, there will be no trouble about order. (Cries of "Go on!") Well, gentlemen, as I was saying that--that--that--where the devil did I leave off? (Applause and laughter.) There, you see that you have broken the thread of my remarks. (Cries of "Good!") Yes, it may be fun for you, but, as the boy said to the frogs, it's death to me (laughter). No, I mean as the Death said to the boys, it's frogs to--(renewed laughter). Go to thunder! I am not going to make speeches to such a set a young rascals as you are." (More applause.)
As soon as order had restored itself, the Higholdboy ordered, at his own expense, a glass of apple-jack for Mr. Boggs, with the view of expressing, through it, his full and thorough appreciation of Boggs's oratory. Mr. Boggs accepted it. Inquiry was then made of Mr. Boggs as to what he had desired to say in his speech. He stated substantially, that, having been engaged in loafing about, and doing nothing, he had had no time to prepare a contribution for the entertainment of the club.
So completely had the eloquence of Mr. Boggs riveted the attention of the club, that they had hardly made a commencement in disposing of the beverages which had been ordered; Mr. Dropper proposed that, as Johnny Cake was not to be employed in drinking, he having ignored the proffered port wine sangaree, he should occupy their time by relating his experience. To this he expressed his willingness to accede. He stated, however, that he had been on a flying visit to Illinois since his initiation into the Elephantine order, and that he was consequently unable to furnish them with any experience of an interesting nature, in New York. But some interesting incidents had occurred on a railroad train, which he had undertaken to note down, with the view of reading to the club.
Mr. Johnny Cake here produced a roll of manuscripts, which, after he had straightened up his collar, he proceeded to read. The manuscript read as follows:--
"I do not propose, now, to give you a glimpse of anything within the city. In fact, it is my intention to inflict upon you an extra-metropolitan scene, which I recently witnessed, and which, though funny, was not comfortable, and I don't care about experiencing it again."
The section of country to which your attention is called was flat--positively flat--comparatively stale, and superlatively unprofitable. It was a western prairie marsh, the home of gigantic frogs, the abiding place of water-snakes and musk-rats; where flourished in luxuriant profusion, bulrushes, water-cresses, pond-lilies, and such like amphibious and un-get-at-able vegetables. Through that particular locality a train of cars was not only seen, but heard going at 2'40" speed over a pile-bridge, made across a Michigan swamp, by driving black-oak logs end-wise into the mud. The people therein were covered with dust, as thickly as if each man had been a locomoting Pompeii, each woman a perambulating Herculaneum, and some vagrant Vesuvius had been showering ashes on them all for a month. They were lying about loose in the cars, after the ordinary fashion of people on a tedious railway journey; curled up in some such ungraceful and uneasy positions as the tired beasts of a strolling menagerie probably assume in their cages during their forced marches across the country. To carry out the parallel, the conductor came along at irregular intervals, and with deliberate and premeditated malignity, stirred up the passengers, as if they were actually animals on exhibition, and he really was their keeper, and wanted to make them growl. And this conductor, in common with conductors in general, deserves notice for the diabolical ingenuity which he displayed in forcing from his helpless victims the greatest number of growls in a limited space of time.
The cars had just left the flourishing prairie city of Scraggville, which contains seven houses and a tavern, and a ten-acre lot for a church, in the centre of which the minister holds forth now from a cedar stump. At the tavern, dinner had been served up, and the conductor, according to the usual custom, had started the train as soon, without waiting for his passengers to eat anything, as the money was collected. The population of our train, which exceeded that of the great city of Scraggville by about one hundred and seventy persons, had composed itself for a short nap, and the various individuals had settled as nearly into their old places as possible, when a man, remarkable for a particularly lofty shirt-collar, a wooden leg, and an unusual quantity of dust on the bridge of his nose, began to sing. He commenced that touching ballad, now so popular, "the affecting history of Vilikins and his Dinah." The pathos of his words, added to the unusual power of his voice, waked up his right-hand neighbor, before he had proceeded any further than to inform the listeners that,
"Vilikins vas a-valking"----
This neighbor who was so suddenly aroused, and who was distinguished by a steeple-crowned hat, did not appear to care where Vilikins was a-walking, or to take much interest in the particulars of the said walk, for he immediately turned on the other side, tied himself up in a worse knot than he was in before, and attempted to sleep again. He had in so doing shaken from the top of his mountainous hat about half a peck of cinders, directly into the mouth of the vocalist. The latter gentleman, however, seemed nothing disconcerted by this unexpected pulverulent donation, but, removing those particles which most interfered with his vocal apparatus, he proceeded with his melody. This time he progressed as far as to state emphatically that,
"Vilikins vas a-valkin' in his garding one day,"
And was about to add the explanatory notes, that it was the "back garding," when his left-hand neighbor emerged from a condition of somnolency into a state of unusual wakefulness.
The most noticeable thing about this last named individual was the optical fact that he had but one eye. And as this solitary orb was partially filled with the dust which had accumulated therein, during a ten hours' nap in a rail-car, over a sandy road, with a headwind, it might be supposed that his facilities for visual observation were somewhat abridged. This did not prove, however, to be the case, for with a single glance of this encumbered optic, he seemed to take in the character of the singer, and to make up his mind instanter that he was a good fellow and a man to be acquainted with.
Acting promptly upon this extemporaneous opinion, he held out his hand with the remark:
"I don't want to interfere with any arrangements you have made, stranger, but here's my hand, and my name's Wagstaff--let's be jolly."
The singer had by this time got to the chorus of his song, and although he took the extended hand, his only immediate reply to the observations of one-eyed Wagstaff, was "too ral li, too ral li, too ral li la," which he repeated with an extra shake on the last "la," before he condescended to answer. And even then his observation, though poetic, was not particularly coherent or relevant. It was couched in the following language.
"Jolly? yes, we'll be jolly. Old King Cole was a jolly old soul, and a jolly old soul was he. He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl--wonder if he got it? My name is Dennis, my mother's maiden name was Moore, so that if I'd been born before she married, I'd have been a poet, which I'm sorry to say, don't think it, for I ain't. I'm glad to see you, Mr. Wagstaff, and as you say you're jolly, and propose that we shall all be jolly, perhaps you'll favor me by coming out strong on the second and fourth lines of this chorus.
"I'll do my little utmost," said Wagstaff.
And he did do his little utmost with a will, and their united voices croaked up again the first man with the steeple-crowned hat, who hadn't got his eyes fairly opened before he joined in the chorus too, and he gave his particular attention to it, and put in so many unexpected cadenzas and quavers which the composer never intended, and shakes that nobody else could put in, and trills that his companions couldn't keep up with, that he fairly astonished his hearers. And he didn't stop when they did, but kept singing "tooral li tooral," with unprecedented variations, and wouldn't hold up for Dennis to sing the verses, and wouldn't wait for Wagstaff to take breath; but kept right on, now putting a long shake on "tooral," now an unheard of trill on "looral," now coming out with redoubled force on the final "la," and then starting off again, as if his voice had run away with him and he didn't want to stop it, but was going to sing a perpetual chorus of unceasing "toorals" and never ending "loorals."
For fifteen minutes his harmony was allowed uninterrupted progress, but at length Wagstaff, putting his hand over his mouth, thereby smothering, in its infancy, a strain of extraordinary power, addressed him thus:
"I don't want to interfere with any of your little arrangements, stranger, but, if you don't stop that noise, I'll knock your head off. What do you mean by intruding your music upon other people's music, and thus mixing the breed? Don't you try to swallow my fist, you can't digest it."
The latter part of this address was called forth by the frantic efforts of the unknown amateur to get his mouth away from behind Wagstaff's hand, which he at length accomplished, and when he had recovered his breath he made an effort to speak. The musical fiend, however, had got too strong possession of him to give up on so short a notice, and he was unable to speak more than ten words without introducing another touch of the magical chorus. The address with which he first favored his companions ran something after the following fashion and sounded as if he might have been the identical Vilikins, unexpectedly recovered from the effects of the "cup of cold pison," or prematurely resurrected from the "same grave," wherein he had been disposed by the "cruel parient" by the side of the lamented "Dinah."
"My friends, don't interrupt the concert--too ral li, too ral li, too ral li la. I'll explain presently--with a too ral li, too ral li, too ral li la. I'm delighted to meet you--allow me to introduce myself--ral li la--I am a professional--loo ral li, loo ral li--man--ral li la--my name is Moses Overdale--with my loo ral li, loo ral li, loo ral li la."
Here he stopped, evidently by a violent exertion, and shook hands with each of the others, and afforded such a view of his personal appearance as satisfied the individual of the solitary optic, and his companion of the vegetable leg, that they had fallen in with another original--added to the fact, with which they were already well acquainted, that he had a powerful, though not very controllable voice. Other things about the newly-discovered person showed him to be a man far above, or below, or, at least, differing from, the common run of people one meets in a railroad-car. His face, had it been visible to the naked eye, through the surrounding thicket of hair, might have passed for good-looking; but the hirsute crop which flourished about his head was something really remarkable. If each hair had possessed as many roots as a scrub oak sapling, and had grown the wrong way, with the roots out, there couldn't have been more; or if each individual hair had been grafted with a score of thrifty shoots, and each of them, in turn, had given off a multitude of sandy-colored sprouts, and each separate sprout had taken an unconquerable aversion to every other sprout, and was striving to grow in an independent direction of its own, there wouldn't have been a more abundant display of hair, growing towards a greater variety of hitherto unknown points of compass. It was so long that it concealed his neck and shoulders, and you could only suppose he had a throat from the certainty that he had a mouth. And even the mouth was in its turn ornamented with an overhanging moustache, of a subdued rat-color, which also was long, running down the corners of the jaw, and joining the rest of the beard on the neck below. A shirt-collar, turned down over his coat, was dimly visible whenever the wind was strong enough to lift the superincumbent hair.
Taking into account the physical curtailments of Overdale's companions, the trio consisted of about two men and a half.
Dennis now proposed that they should go on with the song, he volunteering to sing the verses, and requesting the reinforcements to show their strength when he said, "Chorius"--the mention of music excited Overdale's harmonic devil again, and he was obliged to twist his neckerchief until he was black in the face, to choke down an embryo, "tooral," which ran to his lips before the cue came, and seemed to insist upon an immediate and stormy exit; by dint of the most suffocating exertions he succeeded in keeping back the musical torrent until the end of the verse, when it broke forth with a vengeance.
And then Wagstaff struck in, and Dennis took a long breath, and he struck in; and they waked up a couple of children, and they struck in; and Dennis put his wooden leg on the tail of a dog, and he struck in; and the locomotive put on the final touch, by shrieking with a frightful yell, as if it had boiled down into one, the squalls of eleven hundred freshly-spanked babies.
And they kept on, Dennis singing, in a masterly manner, the historical part; the charms of Dinah the barbarity of the cruel parient, the despair of Vilikins, the death and burial of the unfortunate "lovyers," their subsequent ghastly reappearance to the cruel parient, and his final remorse, had all been related; the "chorus of tender maidens" had been pathetically sung by the musical trio; the "chorus of cruel and unnatural parients," had been indignantly disposed of; the "chorus of pisoned young women," had been spasmodically executed: the "chorus of agonized young men, with an awful pain in the stummack," had been convulsively performed; the "chorus of cold corpuses," had been sepulchrally consummated; and the musical enthusiasts were laying out their most lugubrious strength on the "concluding dismal chorus of gloomy apparitions," when the concert was interrupted by the train running off the track and pitching a part of the passengers into a sand-bank on the right, throwing the remainder into frog-pond on the left, and gently depositing the engineer on a brush heap, where he was afterwards discovered with the bell-rope in his hand, and his legs covered up by the smoke-pipe.
It was soon ascertained that no very serious damage was done, beyond the demolition of the engine, which had left the rail without cause or provocation, and was now lying by the side of the road with its head in the mud, wrong end to, bottom side up, roasting itself brown, steaming itself yellow, and smoking itself black, like an insane cooking-stove turned out-doors for misbehavior.
Overdale got out of the sand without assistance, and, save a black eye, and a peck or two of sand and gravel in his hair, was none the worse for the accident. Wagstaff crawled out of the frog pond, looking as dripping and juicy as a he-mermaid; while Dennis, though unconscious of any painful hurt, had sustained so serious a fracture of his wooden leg, that he found it necessary to splice it with an ironwood sapling before he could navigate.
It being discovered that the danger was over, and that there was nothing more to fear, the ladies, as in duty bound, began to faint; one old lady fainted, and fell near the engine; happening, however, to sit down in a puddle of hot water, she got up quicker than she went down; young lady, rather pretty, fainted and fell into the arms of four or five gentlemen who were waiting to receive her; another young lady fainted, and didn't fall into anybody's arms, being cross-eyed and having a wart on her nose; maiden lady, ancient and fat, got near a good-looking man with a big moustache, and giving notice of her intention by a premonitory squall, shut her eyes, and fell towards moustache; she had better, however, have kept her eyes open, for moustache, seeing her coming, and making a hasty estimate of her probable weight, stepped aside, and the gentle creature landed in a clump of Canada thistles, whence she speedily recovered herself, and looked fiery indignation at moustache, who bore it like a martyr; young lady in pantalets and curls tried it, but, being inexperienced, and not having taken the precaution to pick out a soft place to fall, in case there didn't anybody catch her, she bumped her head on a stone, and got up with a black eye; jealous married lady, seeing her husband endeavoring to resuscitate a plump-looking miss, immediately extemporized a faint herself, and fell directly across the young miss aforesaid, contriving as she descended, to break her husband's spectacles by a malicious dig with her elbow; in fact the ladies all fainted at least once apiece, and those who received the most attention had an extra spasm or two before their final recovery, while the vicious old maids whom nobody cared for, invariably fell near the best-looking girls, and went into furious convulsions, so that they could kick them in the tender places without its being suspected that their intentions were not honorable.
During this characteristic female performance, our musical trio had not been idle. Dennis had been busily engaged in splicing his wooden leg. Wagstaff had seized a bucket from the disabled engine, and nearly drowned three or four unfortunate females with dirty water from the frog-pond. Overdale was attracted to the side of a blue-eyed girl, who had swooned in a clean place, behind a concealing blackberry bush, and he had rubbed the skin off her hands in his benevolent exertions to "bring her to," and had meanwhile liberally peppered her face and neck with gravel-stones and sand, from the stock which had accumulated in his hair when he was first pitched into the sand-bank.
Everybody was eventually convalescent, and likely to recover from the damage which nobody had sustained; the gentlemen had repented of the prayers which they had not said, and were now swearing ferociously about their fractured pocket-companions, and their broken cigars; and the ladies were regaling each other with multitudinous accounts of miraculous escapes from the horrible accidents which might have killed everybody, but hadn't hurt anybody. Another engine was sent for, and the cars ran to the end of the railroad, seventy miles, before the women stopped talking, or the men got anything to drink.
The musical trio, whose united chorus had been so suddenly interrupted, met at the bar of the nearest tavern for the first time since the run off; their greeting was peculiar, but characteristic; when they came in sight of each other, they didn't speak a word, until they solemnly joined hands and finished the "too ral li la," which they hadn't had the leisure to complete at the time of their sudden separation. Overdale, true to his ruling passion, wouldn't stop when the others did, but was going on with an extra "tooral li, looral li," when Wagstaff presented a glass of strong brandy and water at him; the plan succeeded; he stopped in the midst of a most astonishing shake on the first "looral," and merely remarking, "To be continued," he yielded, a passive captive to the fluid conqueror.
Subsequent conversations disclosed their future plans, and it was discovered that they were all journeying to the same place, New York city; and that their several visits had one common object, to see the mysteries of the town. An agreement, which I overheard, was quickly made, that they should remain together, and pursue, in company, their investigations.
They proceeded harmoniously on their journey, singing "Vilikins" between meals every day; and when Overdale couldn't stop in the chorus at the the proper time, Wagstaff corked him up with a corn-cob, which he carried in his pocket for that purpose.
It so happened that I continued on the same trains of cars with this interesting trio of eccentricities, until we took the steamboat at the Dutch village, where the State Legislature meets. After the last verse of their customary evening hymn had been sung, with a strong chorus, as they were about to shelve themselves in their state-rooms for the night, I heard Overdale remark to his companions:
"When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or--well, no matter where. Dennis, you see this black eye; I have to make this particular request, that if this steamboat blows up in the night, and you take a fancy to black anybody's eye, you'll pick out somebody's else."
"I didn't black your eye; what do you mean?"
Overdale explained thus: "I could a tale unfold, which would--but I won't--I'll tell you how it happened, nothing extenuate or set down aught in malice. When that locomotive ran off the track, the shock threw us both, as you are aware, about fifteen feet straight up in the air--as I was going up, you were coming down, and you were practising some kind of an original pigeon-wing with your wooden leg, and, in one of its fantastic gyrations, it came in contact with my visual apparatus, and damaged my personal beauty to the extent you see;--don't do it any more, that's all, my friend, don't do it any more."
Dennis expressed himself exceedingly sorry--"Overdale, my hairy friend," said he, "at the particular time you speak of, that leg was not under my control, and I am not accountable for the misbehavior of that leg; but I solemnly promise that, if we are blown up before morning, if I see which way you go, I will do my best to travel in a different direction."
Each of us, myself included, then went to his state-room, achieved his allotted shelf, rolled himself into so small a ball that the narrow blankets would cover him, and laid in feverish restlessness, awaiting that morning bell which should summon him to disperse himself into his pantaloons, go on deck, and catch the first glimpse of smoky Gotham, the home of the undiluted elephant.
"Hooror for Johnny," said Mr. Spout, as he rushed towards that individual to offer his congratulations. The other members followed suit, and Johnny, anticipating that he would be favored with a bear-like hug, more boisterous than pleasant, unless he acted promptly to prevent such a consummation, ran into one corner, squared off, and threatened to show an immoderate pugnacity, if they made any immoderate demonstrations of fraternal affection. The language and action of Johnny had the effect to check the enthusiasm of his friends, and they resumed their places. Johnny then came out, and made a peremptory demand of Mr. Spout that he telegraph to the saloon below for a lemonade for his (Johnny's) private consumption. Mr. Spout announced the impossibility of acceding to Johnny's demand, as there had been no signal agreed upon which should indicate to the individual below that a lemonade was wanted. Johnny said that he could not hold Mr. Spout to a strict accountability on that occasion, but if he did not arrange a signal to indicate his future wants, he should proceed to expel Mr. Spout from the club. Under existing circumstances, he should go down below and order personally a strong lemonade, to be made of considerable lemon, some sugar, and a good deal of water. Johnny disappeared through the door. He had been gone three minutes, by Quackenbush's bull's-eye silver watch, which he says keeps excellent time as long as he hires a boy to move the balance-wheel, when the Higholdboy arose, and proposed "The health of the Elephant--may his shadow never be less," which was to be drunk in silence, standing.
All the members had assumed an erect position, required for the performance of this imposing ceremony, when a yell of such prodigious dimensions, entitling it to be called a roar, followed by a most extraordinary clattering outside the door, as of three persons trying to ascend abreast a flight of stairs only wide enough for one, and quarrelling about the precedence, and in the intervals of their emphatic remarks to each other uttering cries of exultant triumph, as if they had made some long-sought discovery, suddenly petrified the various members into flesh and blood statues with breeches on, and mouths open. Not long, however, did they remain thus inactive, for a mighty rush from the outside carried the door from its hinges, knocked Mr. Quackenbush, the stalwart guardian of the portal, into a far corner of the room, and disclosed to the astonished gaze of the assembled Elephantines, the forms of three individuals, to them unknown. The action of the Higholdboy, who first recovered his senses and his presence of mind, is worthy of remembrance. Keeping both eyes fixed upon one of the intruders, he deliberately drank the contents of his tumbler, and then, taking a cool aim, he threw the glass-ware at him. This act of the Higholdboy was regarded as an announcement, by implication, that crockery and glass-ware could be used on the present occasion offensively, and accordingly the other members followed the example of their chief. For a few minutes the destruction of property was great, and the more so, as, whenever a tumbler, plate, bottle, or any other similar missile fell to the floor unfractured, one of the three intruding parties would stamp on it with one of his feet, and pulverize it instanter. When the crockery was all disposed of, the assault was renewed with lemons, crackers, bologna sausages, and whatever projectiles remained, and the chairs and tables would have undoubtedly followed suit, had not the precaution previously taken, of chaining them up, precluded the possibility of their being used for this purpose.
The result of this peculiar reception of the intruding parties was the temporary demolition of one, who had been hit over the head with the lemon-squeezer, and knocked down in the corner behind the chair of the Higholdboy. The second person had rolled himself up in a heap as well as he could, drew his head into his coat, and seemed resigned to whatever might be his fate. The third, however, made no resistance whatever, but rushed into one corner, turned his face to the wall, in which position he sustained for five minutes a brilliant cannonade of lemons, Boston crackers, with an occasional bomb in the shape of a nut-cracker and doughnut, for which affectionate tokens of respect he was indebted to the kindness of Van Dam, who bestowed upon him his undivided attention.
At the moment when the utter defeat of the invaders was shown to be a fixed fact, Johnny Cake reëntered the room. He saw the confusion which was everywhere apparent, and his first inquiry was as to the cause. Before he had been answered his eyes caught a sight of the party in the corner, who had ventured to turn his face around.
"Here," said Johnny, "you've got one of my railroad party, whose adventures I have detailed to you this evening."
"The devil!" said Spout.
"How unfortunate!" remarked Quackenbush.
"Are you seriously injured?" asked Van Dam of the man in the corner, who was no other than Overdale.
"Nary time," was Overdale's response. "But where's Dennis?" he asked.
"Here," said Dennis, as a head was seen to protrude from itself a coat-collar, like a tormented turtle from its shell, and, after some scrambling, Mr. Damon Dennis was erect and experimenting with his wooden leg, with the view of ascertaining whether it had suffered another fracture since the railroad experience.
Wagstaff also essayed forth from behind the capacious seat of the presiding dignitary of the club, and, after shaking the wrinkles out of himself, was once more himself.
Johnny Cake here introduced himself to the parties. They remembered him as having been one of the audience which listened to their free and easy concerts whilst travelling. They were then successively introduced to the different members of the club, all of whom expressed their regrets at having received them in so informal a manner, whilst Dennis, Overdale, and Wagstaff, protested that the apologies were useless, as they should not have made such an informal call. Mr. Spout again operated the telegraph for all parties, and when they were once more seated, Johnny Cake called on their uninvited guests for an explanation as to how they had found out their location. The statement was given by all three of the parties in disconnected sentences, sometimes one talking, and sometimes all. The narrations occupied about an hour in their delivery, and were replete with interest, but too long to be incorporated verbatim into these veracious records. The facts disclosed, however, were substantially these:
After leaving the steamboat, they made their way to the Shanghae Hotel, without loss of life or further limb. Each had his carpet-bag in his hand, and having made a demonstration towards the hall-door, the attendants came out to relieve them of their loads. Unused as they were to a reception of this kind, their greeting was rather peculiar than otherwise. Overdale put his hands on his pockets, and told his gentleman to clear out. Wagstaff, with great presence of mind, knocked his down instanter. Dennis started to run, but finding his wooden leg impeded his speed, sat flat down on the sidewalk and called for a constable. Being eventually satisfied that the intentions of the individuals were honorable, they went into the house and placed their names on the register; Overdale, who did not understand this last performance, expressing his surprise that they should be required to sign a note for their board as soon as they came into the house. They were shown to separate rooms, and each proceeded to make himself as comfortable as his limited knowledge of the uses of the bedroom furniture would admit, preparatory to making his appearance in the dining-room. They were all shown this latter part of the establishment, after they had visited, arm-in-arm, the barber's shop, the ladies' parlor, and the hat-shop next door, in their vain search for something to eat.
As they entered the room, and the head waiter approached, for the purpose of showing them some seats, Overdale took his arm, and, having marched the whole length of the room, was finally seated at one end of the table, while his two companions were accommodated with chairs immediately opposite. Their exploits at their first dinner in the city were many--being all of them ignorant of napkins, and innocent of silver forks, their performances with those unknown articles were something out of the common order.
Having recovered from their first impression, that the bills of fare were religious tracts, left for the spiritual improvement of the boarders, by the Moral Reform Society, and having ascertained that they were in some way connected with the science of gastronomy, they proceeded to call for whatever they imagined would suit their palates. Wagstaff began with tarts, then taking a fancy to a jelly, he reached for them, and devoured them all, seventeen in number; and concluded his dinner by eating a shad without picking out the bones.
Dennis, had somewhere heard of ice cream, for which frigid monstrosity he immediately called; when it came, not knowing exactly how to dispose of it, and perceiving that other people made use of the bottles from the caster-stand, he concluded that it would be proper to season his cream in like manner. He began with the pepper, followed it with vinegar, kept on to the Cayenne, added a good quantity of oil, drowned it with ketchup, and then with unusual impartiality, not wishing to neglect any of the bottles, he poured Worcestershire sauce over the whole. He eat it with the mustard-spoon and pronounced it excellent.
Overdale seeing a gentleman, on leaving the table, throw down his napkin, called to him across the room that he had dropped his handkerchief, and then with the consciousness of having done a neighborly turn, he proceeded to eat his dinner. He studied for some time over his own napkin, but eventually concluded that it would be proper to put it in his chair, so that he would not soil the cushion, and accordingly disposed of it in that manner, and sat down upon it with great care, for fear he should tear it. He then opened his bill of fare at the wine-list, and after puzzling for some time over the names, put his finger in the middle, and told the waiter he would "have some of that." The servant perceiving how matters stood, and having compassion on his queer customer, brought him some soup. He at once set to work to eat it with his fork, in which attempt he scalded both his mouth and his fingers, whereupon he drank the water in his finger-bowl to cool his mouth, and wiped his fingers in his hair to reduce their temperature. The considerate waiter came once more to the rescue, and brought him some beef, and also performed the same kindness for Dennis, and probably saved him from absolute starvation. But Overdale, never remarkable for strict temperance, looked for something to drink, and perceiving nothing that looked juicy, save the bottles in the castor-stand, he took out one of them, and having filled an egg-cup with the contents thereof, drank it down. As it was salad oil, he did not feel disposed to repeat the experiment. Having cleaned his nails with a nut-pick, and pared an apple with a fish-slice, he concluded his performances by putting half a dozen fried oysters in his pocket and leaving the table.
At night they went immediately to bed, only finding their own rooms after poking their heads into every other apartment on the same floor, and eventually securing the services of the chambermaid as a guide.
Overdale having got this lady to light his gas, was not able to get to bed without doing something further extraordinary, so wishing to open his window, he called a boy to his door twenty-seven times, by pulling at the bell-rope, which he imagined to be connected, in some inexplicable manner, with the sash. He was at last ready to go to sleep, when he blew out his gas, and laid down on the carpet, covering himself with the hearth-rug, fearing to get into the bed lest he should rumple the sheets. He woke up subsequently, and yelled for a waiter. One happened to be passing in the hall at that moment, and answered his call. Overdale asked where the tavern-keeper was, as he wanted too see him. He didn't want to be imposed upon, if he was from the country, and considered it a huge imposition to put a man into a room which was right over an asafoetida factory. The waiter comprehended the nature of Mr. Overdale's difficulty, and explained to him the nature of carburetted hydrogen, and the mistake that he had made in blowing out the light, instead of turning off the gas. Mr. Overdale thanked the waiter for his valuable information, and after waiting for the room to be well ventilated, he retired to rest--this time, however, in the bed, the waiter having kindly explained to him that the bed-clothing was nicely adjusted for the express purpose of being rumpled up, in order to give employment to a useful class of the community known as chambermaids.
In the morning, by one of those curious coincidences which we know do happen, but for which we cannot account, our three rural friends found themselves, at precisely eight o'clock, in the bar-room, before the bar, and calling upon the major for something to drink. Each drank, after which they went in to breakfast.
The bill of fare not being so complicated as the one on the dinner-table the day previous, and being printed in good readable English, they had no difficulty in procuring breakfast entirely to their satisfaction. After arising, and supplying themselves with cigars, they started out on an exploring expedition through the city.
Overdale, having read a good deal about the various "lions" of the town, assumed to know all about it, and therefore Dennis and Wagstaff acquiesced in his taking the lead; Wagstaff taking notes of everything for the benefit of his children when he returned home.
They strayed into Taylor's saloon, which Overdale informed them was the Crystal Palace. Gurney's Daguerreotype Gallery he stated was the American Art Union. The three then took the cars on the corner of Canal street and Broadway, Overdale remarking that he hoped all their lives were insured, as they were now on the Camden and Amboy Railroad. Dennis hoped they would run off the track in such a way that his wooden leg would be again broken. He would then retire for a few weeks, swear that he had lost a leg by the accident, sue the company for fifty thousand dollars damages, compromise by accepting ten thousand, and then go to Kansas and set up a faro bank. As they passed the Jefferson Market fire-alarm bell-tower, Overdale said it was a shot tower, erected in revolutionary times. They then arrived at the real Crystal Palace, which Overdale declared answered to the descriptions he had read of Fulton Market. The submarine armor which was on exhibition, he explained was a flying machine. The statue of the Amazon was noted down in Wagstaff's book, upon the authority of Overdale, as a cast-iron black foot squaw, on a prairie mustang. The fountain was announced to be a patent frog-pond. After writing down an accurate description of the fire-engines and hose-carts (the first of which Overdale supposed to be perpetual self-acting locomotives, and the second a newly-invented threshing machine), Wagstaff proposed they should leave. The Croton Reservoir, Overdale stated was the gas-works. They then ascended the Latting Observatory, which their intelligent informant assured them was Trinity Church. From the altitude they here attained, they were favored with a view of a large extent of country. Overdale called the attention of his companions to the High Bridge over the Harlem river, of which they had an excellent view. He said that it was one of the few gigantic relics of the architecture of the Norsemen, whom he stated populated this country ten centuries before Columbus sculled over here in a scow-boat. This was the same bridge, he further remarked, which Edgar A.
Hood, a historian, and an intimate friend of Nicholas Galileo, a poet of the sixteenth century, had spoken of as "bridge of size." Mr. Overdale stated that the squadron of pleasure-yachts anchored at Hoboken were a number of clam-sloops, which had probably been abandoned by their owners, because they were old and unseaworthy. Jersey City, he was inclined to believe, from its general description and situation, was the Sixth Ward, which he further stated was in the centre of the Five Points. The Penitentiary on Blackwell's Island, of which they had an excellent view, he informed them was the City Hall--the regular resort of the Common Scoundrels of the city. When they left the Observatory they strayed over into Avenue D, which, upon the word of the intelligent Overdale, Wagstaff described in his book as the Bowery. After mistaking the Dry Dock for the Battery, and a Williamsburg ferry boat for a Collins steamer, they continued to wander about, making divers mistakes, all of which were faithfully noted down as facts in Wagstaff's notebook. At eight o'clock in the evening, they found themselves in the Franklin Museum, whither they had gone on Overdale's invitation, to visit the Free Love Club. When the performance was over they sallied out, and fetched up in a German lager-bier saloon in William street, where the assembled Teutons were singing their national airs. For a moment Overdale was in doubt, but, after two minutes' thought, he informed his friends that they were in the Academy of Music, listening to an Italian Opera. When they left they were full of music, they having caught the inspiration from being in the presence of foreign artists, and immediately commenced to sing once more "Vilikins and his Dinah," with a strong chorus, but were almost immediately choked down by the police. They wandered about disconsolate, inquiring frequently of some hurrying passer-by where they could find the elephant, and receiving in reply to their interrogations a great variety of directions as to his whereabouts, from disinterested persons, all of which they noted down for reference.
They searched an hour and a half for "my uncle, in the second story of the Fifth Avenue Railroad," which individual, they had been informed, could give them the desired information; they walked about four miles in search of "No. 1 'round the corner," at which place they had been assured, by a venerable female of Milesian accent who sold peanuts on the curb-stone, they would undoubtedly find the wished-for quadruped on exhibition. In the course of this latter search, as they were about to venture into a promising-looking saloon, for the purpose of procuring something to allay their thirst, Wagstaff caught a glimpse of the miniature elephant which was over the door of the club-room; and imagining that he had discovered the veritable animal, he uttered a cry of joy which attracted his companions to the same object, upon which they made a grand rush up the flight of stairs. Where they got to, and how they were received, is already told.
When the narrative had been concluded, Mr. John Spout, the Higholdboy of the club, declared in solemn terms, that, by virtue of his office, the three persons whose adventures had just been related by themselves should be henceforth considered members of the Elephantine order. He added that any member might object if he chose, but it wouldn't do him any good, as he should immediately overrule the objection, and kick the daring objector down stairs.
This persuasive manner of addressing the members had the desired effect. They were convinced by the gentle logic of their dignified superior officer, and they could not have the heart to oppose him had they felt so inclined.
Messrs. Wagstaff, Overdale, and Dennis, who were thus so summarily promoted, were solemnly sworn in on a boiled ham, after which all hands joined in singing, "We won't go home till morning." It may be proper to add, in respect to this last musical asseveration, and as a deserved tribute to the veracity of the persons concerned, that when they said they wouldn't go home till morning, they didn't.
