The History and Records of the Elephant Club 20 – Doesticks · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The History and Records of the Elephant Club 20Further Discoveries
18
Literature · Humor
The History and Records of the Elephant Club 20
Further Discoveries
DoesticksEnglish
"There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which taken at the flood leads on----"
WITH the facts contained in our last chapter, the members of the Elephantine order may be said to have fairly begun their herculean labors. Certain it is that all the spare time they could command was devoted to an investigation into the particular speciality in zoölogical science, for which the club had been organized; and certain it is that the prospect of some rare contribution from members at the next regular meeting was good.
The meeting night arrived at length, the members were all present, and punctual to the hour.
The Higholdboy had brought with him a pair of boxing-gloves, which he announced were to be used in this wise: He was determined to keep order in the meetings, and this, too, even if he had to resort to severe means to do so. But actuated by the same feelings of benevolence which animated the legislators who caused the passage of laws to prevent cruelty to animals, he did not want to do physical injury to the refractory members of the club. Therefore, he had brought the aforesaid boxing-gloves, so that when he knocked a member down, he wouldn't either draw blood or give him a black eye.
This humane considerateness on the part of Mr. Spout was warmly commended by the brethren, and Mr. Quackenbush, in behalf of the club,
Resolved, that the Higholdboy is a model presiding officer.
This resolution in behalf of the club was adopted by Mr. Quackenbush.
Overdale here arose and said that he fully coincided with the spirit of the resolution; he had a proposition to make, however, which was to order up some cold corned beef, celery, mustard, rolls, and butter, provided he would consent to let the members keep order after their own fashion.
This appeal to Mr. Spout's feelings was irresistible, and he gave his full consent, saying that that was all he had contemplated under any circumstances, and if they could ring in Overdale for the feed, it was so much gained. It was accordingly ordered that Overdale give his order.
Mr. Boggs said that boxing-gloves forcibly reminded him of some experience he had had several years previously. Though a person by no means thin, and notwithstanding the fact that he had been for years troubled with chronic good health, yet, from reading at that time various physiological works, he had become convinced, that from the want of proper physical training, his dissolution might be considered near at hand, unless he took immediate measures to save his precious life by means of active exercise. He accordingly visited the gymnasiums, but the idea of putting himself into such fantastic shapes as he saw young men doing, was to him not to be thought of. Further, he was decidedly opposed to the idea of making himself the laughing-stock of a set of young rascals by his awkward efforts in his incipient progress. Whilst he was yet undecided, a friend suggested to him that he procure a couple of pairs of boxing-gloves, and practise with them. "Having purchased the gloves," continued Mr. Boggs, "I was still at a loss to know how to proceed. I didn't want to practice with anybody, because I knew that my awkwardness would make mirth for them, and to this I was decidedly opposed. Under these circumstances I resorted to other means. In the garret of the house in which I lived was a mammoth stove--in fact, gentlemen, a stove which I could strike and not knock over, which would not laugh at me in my attacks, and therefore a stove with which I made up my mind to have a few rounds each day.
"The next day I went up into the garret. There stood the sable champion of heavy weight, and, for the first time in my life, I stripped myself of my coat, to fight without being appalled. The stove loomed up in giant proportions; I stood before it, and squared off as well as I knew how. I imagined I saw the stove's right fist coming at my left eye. I parried off the blow, which, without doubt, would have been aimed at me, had the stove had a right fist as I imagined, and with my right fist I planted a stunner in the place where his bread-basket should have been. The result was a powerful reaction, and I found myself sprawling on the floor. I ascertained that I was not damaged, and wisely determined then that I would not strike such powerful blows in the future.
"I again squared off, and began putting in the blows in rapid succession, whilst I managed successfully to keep my adversary from hitting me in even one of the many attempts which I imagined he made. I kept up the practice about an hour.
"The next day I resumed my practice, and I kept it up for several weeks, when I fancied that I was sufficiently expert to 'travel on my muscle.'
"To be sure, I had fought an inanimate object, which could not strike; still, in the tussles I had imagined the stove striking at me from all conceivable directions, and I had not only been able to guard-off these imaginary blows, but I had shown the stove that I could put in a few astonishers between times.
"I was ready now for practice with a living adversary. But who was he to be? that was the question. I was still unwilling to call in any of my acquaintances, as I might possibly after all be found veni, vidi, vici, as we say in the classics, which, when translated into English, means weighed in the balance and found short (suppressed snickers).
"One day, as I was cogitating upon the matter in front of the house, a big nigger, full six feet in height, came along. He looked as if he wanted a job, and with a good deal of trepidation, I ventured to ask him if I was right in supposing him anxious to make a half-dollar. I found him to be an eager candidate for any position, from a cashier of a bogus bank up to a boot-black. I took him up in the garret and disclosed to him the nature of my desires, and took occasion to inform him that I would give him a half-dollar for two hours services per day, and a quarter in addition never to say a word about the matter; to this he assented, and I told him to put on the gloves. He took the dirty pair out of respect to me (not taking into consideration the probable consequence to me, in case of his succeeding in putting in a few licks), and I took the clean pair.
"We squared off, and occupied a minute or two in preliminary practice; I felt fully confident that I could manage him quite as easily as I had the stove, and after telling him to do his best, I proceeded to give him a poke in his breast. We gradually warmed in the work, the blows passed more frequently, and as we proceeded I became conscious of the fact that I managed to put in almost one blow to his three. I then made my calculations to give the nigger a regular rib riser, and just as I was about to consummate this well digested plan, I became apprised that something important had happened; what it was I was unable for a minute or two to decide; several thoughts passed rapidly through my mind. One idea I had was, that a bombshell from Sebastopol had exploded in the identical premises which I was then occupying. But this gave way to another, which was that New York had been tipped over into Buttermilk Channel; then again, I thought that somebody was using my head for a rattle-box; several other theories suggested themselves to me, all of which were equally reasonable. But at any-rate the cause of the peculiar sensations was soon solved. The nigger had given me a clip, covering the lower part of my proboscis, my mouth, and chin, had set my nose bleeding, and cut my lips somewhat against my teeth, and the blood was flowing profusely.
"I looked around for the nigger, but he had disappeared; the probability is that he thought he had been the cause of my death, and fearing an indictment for murder, had vamosed without stopping to get his fifty cents.
"I picked myself up as well as I could, and travelled down stairs to my room. A look into the mirror presented to my view an interesting picture of my self; not only were my nose and lips swollen, but the gloves which the nigger had on, being blackened with the stove-blacking, had communicated the metallic polish to my face and shirt, so that both were of a beautiful sheet-iron color. I kept my room for ten days; sent word to the landlady that I had the measles, and requested that nobody be admitted to my room but the servant who brought me my food, and him I feed liberally to keep mum. When I got well enough to go out, I loaned my boxing gloves to a young gentleman, with my mind fully made up that if he never offered to return them, I shouldn't send a constable after him, nor ask him for them. I have not indulged in any amusements of the kind since, and I am glad to announce that I am fully satisfied with my past experience in the study of the science."
Mr. Boggs's narrative was loudly applauded. He, however, protested against the civility.
Mr. Van Dam characterized it as a valuable contribution, which called forth from Mr. Boggs the question, "What the devil he meant by calling it a contribution; he had no idea of the kind."
The members insisted that, however he might regard it, it certainly was a valuable contribution to their entertainment, and would grace the archives of the club.
Mr. Boggs stated that had he entertained the most distant idea he was doing anything of any value to anybody, he should have never been able to say a word. If it was a contribution he was glad of it.
The Higholdboy then called upon the other members for their contributions to science.
Mr. Quackenbush responded, and after drinking some Croton water diluted with gin, he began:
"Last evening I started out on a cruise, with the view of seeing the elephant on the streets by gas-light. I saw the identical elephant to be seen every evening, and with which you are all familiar, and I began to think about eleven o'clock that I should be compelled to retire to rest without having seen anything worthy of note. To be sure, I had seen a fight between a nigger and Irishman, which, after the first round, was finished by each party running away as fast as his legs could carry him, thereby tacitly acknowledging that he was beaten; but what was this? Every one of you have been in fights, and of course it would be unnatural to suppose that a description of a scrimmage of brief duration between an Irishman and a nigger would be particularly interesting. I was about to turn my footsteps homeward, when the movements of an individual attracted my attention. The person in question was a gentleman of about forty-five years of age. His height was fully six feet, his form was very spare, his face thin, his nose sharp and prominent, his eyes and hair grey, and his face closely shaven, wrinkled, and sallow. He was dressed in a plain black dress-coat and pants, of a style about three years old. His vest was of black satin, his shirt-bosom was scrupulously white; a black silk choker was tightly enveloped about his neck, above which peered a diminutive collar, which, when it was put on, was without doubt a standing-collar, but the starch had not been made of such a consistency as to render it consistent for the collar to stand up against the unstiffening effects of a hot day's sweating. As I saw him, he was coming down the street at a rapid rate, describing all sorts of geometrical figures on the sidewalk, and making efforts to sing the words of "Yankee Doodle" to the tune of "Old Hundred." Whenever he ran against an awning-post, he would stop, and expostulate with the post for its want of civility, and would insist that the post had never been born and bred in the St. Lawrence country, or it would have shown more politeness to strangers. He was entirely unable to account for the sudden revolutions of the earth, which made day and night follow each other in such quick succession. When he ran against a lamp-post, he would look up to the light and insist that it was dinner-time, and would wonder why the old woman didn't blow the horn. At that moment a policeman came along, and was going to take him into custody. On observing the policeman's uniform, he inquired of him whether he was a 'Merican or British soger, and whether the Russians had whipped Nicholas, and whether Cuba had begun to bombard General Pierce at Sebastopol. I knew the officer very well, and he suggested that as the man seemed to be quite respectable in his appearance, it might be well to take him to a hotel for the night. I volunteered to do this, and accordingly took him under my care. On going down, he asked me if I was a karvern teeper, as he wanted to take a drink of bed, and then go to sleep on a blass of grandy. I told him I was, and would see him put to bed all right. On asking him his name, I learned that he was Deacon Josiah Pettingill, of St. Lawrence county. We got to the hotel, and I informed the clerk that the gentleman was a country friend of mine, whom I wanted stowed away for the night, and for whom I would call in the morning. I accompanied him to the room, assisted in removing his garments, and, after putting him between the sheets, I left the premises. This morning I called on him at his room, and found him still asleep. I proceeded to awaken him. It occupied some minutes to explain to him the true condition of affairs. At last, the whole of the occurrences of the previous evening seemed to come to his recollection.
"He inquired his condition when I found him. I told him that he was at that time considerably drunk, and disposed to be somewhat noisy.
"'Well, squire,' said he, 'I shouldn't be surprised if it was so; the fact is, my head aches at this minute as if it was ready to bust, and it feels jest as it did once in my lifetime, a good while ago, when I took too much egg nogg; that was full twenty-five year ago; for awhile, I felt as if I was ridin' to Heaven over glairy ice down a high hill, on a bob-sled with its runners greased. But I never got there; I know one thing sartain--a few hours afterward I felt as if the bob-sled had run agin a stump, when almost tu the bottom of the hill, and the concussion had landed me intu a cauldron-kettle full of fever and ager and blacksmiths' hammers, mixed together in equal parts; it wasn't funny, squire; I went right off and jined the church, and hain't been blue since, unless I wos last night.'
"I asked Mr. Pettingill to give me a history of his experience in the city. He complied, and stated the facts as follows:--
"'Well, you see, squire, I come to the city last evenin' from Albany, in the railroad, and when I got tu the shed where the railroad stops, I got out. A feller stepped up to me as important as a bantam cock after he has crowed for the first time, and asked me where I wanted to go. I told him I wanted tu go tu a first-rate tarvern. He said that idea was ridiculous; that they never allowed distinguished strangers tu go tu tarverns, and, unless he was mistaken, I was something above the common folks from the rooral deestricts. I told him I was supervisor of the town where I was born and brought up, in the St. Lawrence country. He said he was thunderin' glad to hear it, as he himself was something of a high cockalorum of New York. He insisted upon my gittin' intu the carriage and goin' tu his private dwellin', as it would be vulgar tu go tu tarverns. I asked him if the St. Nicholas Hotel was common. He said that nobody but those that wasn't no great shakes went there. We finally come to a real big, purty stun house, and the man jumped off from the carriage. He told me again that if he was rich he wasn't proud, and it was a way he had of always ridin' outside and drivin'. I told him I always done so, only in the consarn I had they all rode outside, for the reason that there warn't no inside. With that he larfed, and said that all folks didn't have jest the same way of doin' things, and we went tu the door. A nigger come and opened the door, and we went in. There was about twenty gentlemen, fixed off tu kill, and a table sot with bottles, and everything as slickery as could be.
The man who brought me took me tu a fine-looking gentleman and told me that he was his brother, that he was obleeged tu go out on business connected with his office, but that he would be back by 11 o'clock; he said his brother would see tu me, and do the scrumptious while he was gone; well, we set down to the table; he was orful kind, for he helped me tu everything he could on the table--all kinds of chicken-fixens and gingerbread arrangements; he then asked me tu take a glass of wine; I told him I was a little tew much of a temperance man for that; he said certainly he wouldn't ask me if I had any scrooples agin' it; he asked me if I was opposed to drinkin' cider; I said no, if it was sweet; he said that they had got in, about a week before, a barrel of sweet cider, which had jest enough snap in it tu make it taste good; he told the nigger to take a bottle of wine up stairs tu his sick nephew, and tu bring a pitcher full of cider up stairs from the new barrel; the nigger left with the bottle and the pitcher, and in about five minutes came back intu the room with the pitcher full of the slickest cider I ever seen; I drunk some of it, and it tasted so good that I drunk more; when I had taken almost enough, the gentleman asked me tu go into the back room where a lot of men was a setting around a table, holdin' little round pieces of bone in their hands and puttin' 'em down, and another man was fumblin' with some pieces of paper; I asked him if they wasn't playin' cards, 'cause I thought they looked as if they was; he said no, that they was Wall street stock-dealers, and that the pieces of bone stood for so many shares of stock; he asked if I wouldn't like to become a stock-jobber, and he said there was a power of money tu be made at the business; I said I guessed not, but he seemed tu be anxious tu do a little at it himself, and he asked me to lend him a hundred dollars which he would give back tu me when his brother came; after he had give me three or four more glasses of cider, which, by this time, he poured out of bottles, I handed him my money-puss and told him tu help himself; he opened it and took out all there was in it, which was ten dollars; he asked me if that was all I had got, and I told him that my calculations bad been jest right; that when I started from hum I had an idee that I should land with jest ten dollars in my puss; he then asked me if I had brought any checks or drafts, and I told him no; so he said he would borrow the ten, and he went into the stock business pretty heavy, and I watched to see how he made in the speculation, but after takin' three or four more glasses of that cider, I kinder lost the run of the speculation; he then said it would be a good idee tu go out and get some fresh air, which we did, after taking a little more of that cider; as we went along the streets, I thought that we didn't have tu move our feet--that the street moved up and down tu save us the trouble; the houses kinder got to playin' blind man's buff, and the streets got to heaving up and down orfully, and when I was wonderin' what on airth made it, I missed the gentleman; that, squire, is about all I recollect; but the fun of the matter is this, that I was cute enough not tu tell the gentleman I had three hundred dollar bills tucked behind the strap of my boot, in the leg.
'
"Mr. Pettingill then took one of his boots from the floor, drew out the three hundred dollar bills, and held them up as a triumph of St. Lawrence cuteness.
"'Now,' said he, 'squire, I want you tu show me a tarvern where nobody won't want tu borrow money of me. I am a little 'spicious of that man's brother. I don't believe he intended to pay me.'
"I told him that his present quarters were as desirable, in all points of view, as any he could find in the city, after which I informed him, much to his astonishment, that he had been taken to a gambling-house, and it was owing to his 'cuteness,' which, it seems, did not forsake him when drunk, that he had not lost all his money.
"Mr. Pettingill thanked me for the part I had taken in his behalf, and gave me a pressing invitation to come to his place in St. Lawrence county, next summer, and spend a month with him, all of which I promised to do, if it was possible."
Mr. Quackenbush was congratulated on his good fortune in coming across that particular species of the elephant, whose nature and characteristics he had so happily and correctly delineated in his paper.
It was moved by Mr. Dropper that a copy of the contribution be requested from Quackenbush, to make cigar-lighters of, and that the original be deposited in the big room of the American Institute, as a specimen of bad chirography.
Mr. Q. said he would see them blowed first.
Mr. Van Dam next proceeded with his contribution:
"A few evenings since," said he, "as I was passing through one of the streets of Gotham, I observed a crowd collected near a corner grocery. Thinking that an opportunity was afforded to see something worth taking a note of, I ran for the spot in time to see the difficulty. I found there a man, holding with each hand a boy, and both of the juveniles making frantic efforts to release themselves from his grasp. The man was a small, cadaverous-appearing individual, a compound of gamboge and chalk, the gamboge predominating. There was a tinge of yellow in his face, he had yellow hair, and he had on a suit of summer clothes, made of some yellow material. Nature had favored him with a dwarfed moustache, composed of twenty-eight yellow hairs, and also an incipient beard, made up of seventy-six yellow hairs, and turned out in the shape of a triangle, the base of which rested upon the chin, at the point where it begins to retreat, and the apex of which reached the middle of his under lip.
"The appearance of the boys would indicate that they were of Irish birth. One had a squint-eye and a head of hair which the youth of America are accustomed to designate as 'brick-top.' His snub nose was ordinarily directed to an imaginary point in the heavens, about forty-five degrees above the horizon. His garments were not altogether the style which would be pronounced au fait, by a Broadway leader of the fashion. It would seem that he had only one purpose in view in jumping into the aforesaid garments, which purpose was, not to create a sensation, either by the accuracy of their fit, or the newness of the material, but rather to cover his form, and keep out the cold, at such times as the clerk of the weather was induced to fetch up "heated terms" all standing, and give us a specimen of the temperature, perhaps somewhat mollified, which is supposed to exist in the immediate vicinity of Symmes Hole. The description of one of the boys will do very well for the other, except that in some particulars he was a little more so, and in others a little less, which statement, gentlemen, I consider sufficiently definite for all practical purposes.
"The sympathies of the bystanders seemed to be decidedly in favor of the boys, who were so violent in their resistance that the man could hold them only with great difficulty. Once they tripped him, and then all three fell over a barrel of turnips, upsetting a barrel-cover containing apples; but the man was enabled to continue his hold on the boys. At last, when one of them, by tangling his leg around the man, upset him into a tub of pickles, the man called out, in a shrill voice, 'Vatch! vatch!' All this transpired amid the shouts of the lookers-on. 'Go in, blinky,' said one. 'Keep a going, sour krout,' said another; and various were the remarks of this character which were heard. But, as usual, the police were not at hand, and the sequel proved that their absence was rather to be desired than otherwise. Notwithstanding the fact that the sympathies of the crowd were apparently in favor of the boys, yet the general feeling seemed to be that the merits of the case should be understood, and when the boys made an effort to escape, they were prevented; and when the vanquished German had extricated himself from the pickle-tub, one of the persons asked what the boys had done.
"'Do,' said the grocery-keeper, 'dey do so much as to sends dem to de States brison. Dey is de vorst poys as runs in de shtreets. De oder night dey comes here to mine shtore-crocery a koople of times, and ven I vas not see dem, dey ketch my cats by de dails, and dies vire-crackers to de cat's dail, on de shtep-valk, and den sets vire to de crackers, and trows de cats down. Den de cats she runs like de tuyvel into de shtore so much scare. She yump all around on de counters, over into de barrels, breaks into bieces some new bottles vat I buy yust, sets vire to some paper vat vas lay on de counters, tumbles over ebery dings vat vas in de vay, and gets all shplitter shplatter mixed up togedder. I find some shweet oil bottles shpill in de box fon green dea; she knock down fom de shelf a big match-box, vich hold a gross fon matches, and dey go off and shmell so vorse mit primstone as if de tuyvel had moved into mine shtore-crocery, and I can't tell you so much damage as it do; and ven I look for de cats, I find her about an hour rolled up in a pasket fon green beas, mit all de hair scorch off de pehind side fon her. Dis vas on Saturday night vill be two veeks.'
"'Why didn't you catch them then?' asked one of the party.
"'Ketch dem,' said the grocery-man; 'pefore I vas get over mine scare, dey vas run avay, and you might yust so vell try to find a needle mit a hay-shtacks as to find dem. But I tells de constopples about dem, and dey say dey vill look out for dem. Vell, two tree days go by, and von morning I comes down shtairs to unlocks de door fon mine shtore-crocery. De key vas in de inside de door, and ven I durns dem round to unlock dem yust, I hears some-dings shoot off on de oder side de door. I vas much scare, and I runs up shtairs, for I dinks some feller vants to shoot me, and I sends my vife out de oder door to look round on de shtep-walk, and see who vas dere. Ven she come back she say der bin no beeples dere, and so I go vonce more to unlocks de door. I durns de key so quick as I can, ven pop! crack! shoot! I hears again de noise. I vas so much scare dat I falls over, and I bulls de door open. Ven I finds I vas not shoot, I looks in de lock and finds dere some bieces baper, vat you make de little vite vire-crackers--you call'----
"'Torpedoes,' suggested one of the persons present.
"'Yes, dorpedoes,' resumed the German, 'dat's the name.'
"'How do you know these boys put torpedoes in your lock?' asked one.
"'I know it so vell as I vants to know,' was the response.
"'Did you see 'em do it, or did anybody else? was the next question.
"'No, I did not see dem do it, but I know it was dem I can, shvear it vas dem,' said the confident accuser.
"'Pretty good swearin,' said a man in a red shirt. 'Say, old sour krout,' he continued, 'what else have the boys done?'
"'Mine Gott!' said the corner grocery-man, despairingly, 'is dat not enough vat I have tell you? Ven I go out my shtore-crocery for a minute, vonce dey durns de shpiggot fon de lager bier and vinegar parrells, and dey runs out in de floor and vaste; ven doy see me in de shtreets dey calls me 'Old nicht's cum araus, sour kraut, sprech Deutsch.' Dey finds dead rats, and trovs dem on mine awning till dey shmells so bad; dey brings an old barber's pole, and sets dem up before mine shtore-crocery, on vich vas paint, 'shaving done here,' and ven de beeples see de sign, dey laughs and say good, and it make all mine customers dink dat I cheat dem.'
"'Is that all?' inquired a bystander.
"'No,' said the German, emphatically, 'I can tell you more as dat.'
"'But how do you know these boys did all these things,' inquired another.
"'All de beeples say dey is de fellers,' was the reply.
"'What did they do to-night?' inquired another of the crowd.
"'Vell I tell you dat,' said the persecuted merchant. To night I vas shtand in front von mine shtore, to talk mit a carman, who have bring some dings to me. Pretty soon, he get on his cart and drive off, and ven he shtart, a parrell von botatoes, dat shtand on de edge fon de shtep-valk, tip over in de shtreet, and de botatoes fall out and shcatter about, and the parrell it go yumping along de shtreets, mit de cart; I holler for de carman and he shtop. Ven I go to see, I find dat a rope vas tie round the parrel, and hitch to de cart-veel close; vell, I bick up de botatoes, and put de parrel vonce more on de shtep-valk, and keep vatch. Soon I see dese boys come along, and dey look at me mit de tuyvel in deir eyes, and I know it vas dem. Yust den I run and ketch dem.'
"The details of the case being pretty well understood, it became a question with the crowd what should be done. The general opinion was that the boys were wrong in their continued annoyances of the Dutchman, though they did not think the case was one sufficiently aggravated to justify their being turned over either to the police or to the vengeance of the grocery-man. At last a portly old Knickerbocker, who had laughed heartily at the Dutchman's narration, essayed to act as spokesman.
"'What's your name,' said he to one of the boys with assumed gravity.
"'Mike Hannegan,' said he, 'and this 'ere boy is Barney Doolan.'
"'Oh, you young rascals,' continued the gentleman, 'you deserve to be arrested for your bad ways. You are very bad boys, you know you are, whether you are the ones who have bothered the Dutchman or not. He guessed right, I think, in supposing you to be the boys. But if these gentlemen will let you off, will you stop troubling him in the future?'
"'Yes, sir,' said both of the boys, meekly.
"'Then cut stick, both of you,' said he.
"Just then an individual with a remarkable loaferish air, dressed in a blue single-breasted frock coat, with a row of military buttons, a blue cap with silver mountings, and a brass star on his breast--an individual, in brief, known as a policeman--arrived on the spot, and inquired what was the trouble. After informing him that he was a day after the fair, I left the vicinity."
When Mr. Van Dam concluded, on motion of Mr. Boggs it was
Resolved, that the members of the club do now proceed, each man for himself, to light his pipe.
The resolution was acceded to without a dissenting voter.
Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale, as usual, had been investigating in company, Overdale taking the lead, and Wagstaff taking notes, and all three occasionally taking egg-noggs.
A unanimous call was made for Wagstaff's notebook, which was immediately forthcoming.
The reading of Mr. Wagstaff's notes was prefaced by statements on the part of Dennis and Overdale which made the following facts apparent to the club. The previous evening the three went into a Greenwich street bar-room, on the invitation of Overdale to pay a visit to Delmonico's, to get a piece of pie and some cigars. Whilst partaking of the order, a singular person entered the room. His beauty was decidedly of the yard-stick character. He was long as a projected Iowa railroad, and as symmetrical as a fence-rail; his face was as expressionless as the head of Shakspeare which is seen on the drop-curtain of the Broadway Theatre, surrounded by a triple row of attenuated sausages. His square and angular shoulders made him resemble a high-shouldered pump, while his arms moved with as much ease and grace as the handle to the same. Long, black hair, parted in the middle, was soaped down until the oleaginous ends reposed upon the unctuous collar of his seedy coat. His shirt-collar, guiltless of starch, was unbuttoned at the neck and laid far back over his vest, doubtless to display a neck which, had it been cut off, was long enough to tie.
He had seated himself, and had settled down into a misanthropic quiet, when a little stubby man, with one eye--the very ideal of a Washington market butcher--happened to enter. As soon as the first-mentioned subject saw him, he jumped up, rushed at the stubby man, and had hardly touched him, before a blow from the fist of the stubby man caused him to collapse on the floor. The stubby man followed up his success by pulling the nose of his fallen enemy, and threatening to give him a "tolerable shake-up, if he ever came round his shop agin'."
The conflict was brief, as it soon drew in quite a crowd, and amongst others a policeman. The tall man was pointed out as the aggressor, but the stubby man said "he didn't want to appear agin' the crack-brained cuss; that he guessed he (the said cuss) had got the worst of it."
But the assembled multitudes were not satisfied. They thought it was due to them that they should have an explanation, and as the tall individual seemed anxious, and the stubby individual didn't make any objections, a ring was formed to give the parties a chance to be heard.
The stubby man said that while the other was "exercisin' his jaw, he'd have some ham'neggs;" whilst he was eating, the tall individual told his story, which was one of blighted hopes, disappointed expectations, unrequited love, and unappreciated genius. Wagstaff's notes of his words read as follows:
"'My name is Julius Jenkins, and I have a cousin named Betsey Brown; I love my cousin Betsey; have always loved my cousin Betsey, from the time when as children we tore in loving partnership our mutual pantalets and petticoats (for these legs once wore pantalets, and their symmetry was hidden from admiration by petticoats), looking for blackberries in a cedar-swamp; from the time we sucked eggs together in the barn-yard and 'teetered' in happy sport upon the same board; from the time we built playhouses in the garden and made puppy-love behind the currant bushes; from those happy days of rural felicity until the present time, my cousin Betsey has been the ideal of my soul. We used to eat bread and milk out of the same bowl, dig angleworms with the same shovel, go fishing in the same creek, steal apples from the same orchard, and crawl through the same hole in the fence when the man chased us. Through all my lonely life the memory of cousin Betsey has been my guardian angel. I have been exposed to dire temptations; once I was reduced to such extremity that I was about to earn my dinner by sawing wood, but my cousin Betsey seemed to rise before me and say, "Julius, don't degrade yourself;" and I didn't. I cast the saw to the earth, and begged my dinner from a colored washerwoman. I once accepted a situation as a clerk in a retail grocery.
I stayed a week, but on every barrel of sugar, on every bar of soap, in every keg of lard, in each individual potato, in every bushel in all the cellar, I saw the reproachful face of my cousin Betsey; it rose before me from the oily depths of the butter-firkin, and from the cratery interior of the milk-can; the very peanuts rose up in judgment against me, and had on each separate end a speaking likeness of my cousin Betsey, which said, "Julius, don't degrade yourself;" I couldn't stand it; in the darkness of night I packed up my wardrobe (comprising one shirt of my own and two I borrowed from a neighboring clothes-line), helped myself to the small change, and vanished; I became a painter, I executed a portrait of my cousin Betsey; I asked a critical friend to see my masterpiece; he gazed a moment, and then asked me which was the tail end; the dolt!
he thought I meant it for a pig; I wrote poetry to my cousin Betsey, but the printer returned it because I spelled Cupid with a K, and put the capitals at the wrong end of my words; the uninformed ass; he did not understand the eccentricities of genius; I became an actor, and attempted Othello; at the rise of the curtain I was saluted with a shower of onions from appreciative friends, and at its fall I was presented by the manager with a brush, to which he added his gratuitous advice that I should keep the paint on my face and go into the boot-blacking business; I turned composer, but could never get my "Bootjack Waltz" published, or my oratorio of "The Ancient Applewoman" before the public; at last my cousin Betsey came to live in the city, and I thought once more to possess her love, but I found a rival; a one-eyed butcher; I wrote letters to her; I know that they should have been tied with blue ribbon, but necessity dictated cotton twine; I sent her presents; not so valuable as I could have wished; my intention was good but my means were limited; I could have wished to offer gold and jewels, but I could never afford more than a string of smelts, or half a pint of huckleberries; I resolved to serenade my cousin Betsey; I procured a violin, strung with the daintiest filaments ever made from the bowels of the most delicate female feline infant; I repaired beneath her window and commenced my song, but the butcher came to the window, threw down a dime, and told me to go away; he took me for an organ-grinder; I indignantly stamped the money into the earth, but thought again, picked it up and purchased some brandy to nerve me for a desperate deed; I had resolved to see that butcher, to meet that butcher, to challenge that butcher, to fight that butcher, to conquer that butcher or to die; yesterday I went to that butcher's shop to execute my design, but he kicked me out. To day I came in here in despair; who should come in but the butcher; now was my chance; I rushed at him, but my personal strength was not equal to the task; he boxed my ears, pulled my nose, and I was cheated out of my revenge, simply because I wasn't able to lick him.
Now I demand of this intelligent assembly, as a matter of right, the instant annihilation of the one-eyed butcher now present, the author of all my miseries, that my Betsey may be restored to me.'
"Mr. Jenkins sank into a chair, exhausted by his effort.
"The butcher wiped his chops on a red silk handkerchief, and then proceeded to tell his story, which was as follows, as appears by Wagstaff's notes;
"'This here feller's allers botherin' my wife, 'cause he says she's his'n; yesterday he gits drunk, comes in my place, and wants to fight me. I told him to leave, and he wouldn't, so I hussled him out. I happened to come in here jus' now, and he comes at me. I doubles him up, and that's the hull story.'
"The laconic statement of the one-eyed stubby butcher satisfied the parties assembled that Mr. Jenkins's insane pursuit of another man's wife had justly brought upon him the indignation of the husband, and he was advised very generally, in the future, to cease all importunities of a similar character.
"Finding that his story excited no sympathy in his behalf, Mr. Jenkins left the place in disgust, and the three Elephantines soon after left in an omnibus."
Mr. Spout here arose, and said he liked the story in all of its parts, except the concluding joke, which he considered to be, not only unkind, but uncalled for. He should take the liberty of considering it expunged from the records.
Some member here dared to suggest that it was high time that the Higholdboy should do something else than criticise the contributions of his fellow-members.
Mr. Spout desired it to be understood that he should admit of no dictation from inferiors; that he should exercise his own discretion in deciding whether he would contribute to the amusement of others, or criticise them in their efforts to be jolly. Yet, without giving up any of this right, he would volunteer to lay before the club, on the present occasion, a matter which, to him, possessed some points of interest, and as he didn't care whether it interested the others or not, he should state facts for his own amusement. He intended to laugh at everything which he thought was funny, without any reference to the comfort of others.
"The circumstance which I am about to relate," said Mr. Spout, "is one in which a friend of mine was involved. My friend's name," he continued, "is Bartholomew Buxton. He is the owner of a book-store, and was led into that business on account of a thirst for reading. He is a man of about thirty-five years, and his whole life has been passed in poring over books. I regard him as a man of very rare intelligence, though his intellect is not, perhaps, very fruitful of original thoughts. What is remarkable with him is his personal appearance. He is a little man, just large enough to be entitled to enter the army--that is to say, 'five-foot-four.' His body is very small, and his head very large, round, and full. His hair is of a sandy color, and of the scratch wig order of cut. His eyes are small, and one of them squints frightfully. His complexion is quite pale. In the matter of dress, he wears usually a pair of pants of a checker-board-pattern-on-a-large-scale cloth, blue dress-coat, ornamented with large fancy brass buttons, and a vest--a double-breaster--of the brightest scarlet. But these eccentricities in apparel would hardly attract attention so long as the main feature of his dress is visible. That feature is his collar. It is a remarkable collar--a mighty rampart of linen, which encircles his head in a line with the centres of his ears, almost meeting in his face. Numerous reasons have been assigned for Mr. Buxton's going to such lengths (or rather heights) in his indulgence in collar. One idea advanced is, that he is actuated by a desire to economize in the expenses of washing, and to do this, has the garments made in such a way as to be convertible into collars at either end. Another suggestion is, that the collar is a matter of utility, designed by Mr. Buxton to economize physical strength, which, inasmuch as his head is very large and his body very small, must be overtaxed to hold his ponderous brain-box erect.
"Gentlemen, three days since I received a call from my friend Buxton. He appeared melancholy and dejected, which surprised me; but what surprised me more, in respect to his present appearance, was the manifest disarrangement of his collar. It did not stand up on one side with the majestic erectness which characterized it on the other. On the left it was hanging down flabbily; its self-sustaining power was departed.
"I saw, by his countenance, that something important to him had occurred, and the appearance of his collar only tended to confirm my suspicions. I accordingly asked him what was the trouble.
"'Trouble,' said he, 'enough of it. Sir,' he continued, 'last night I was locked up in a cell at the station-house, for exercising the privileges of a freeman--a native American citizen. I was arrested, and violently dragged off to that cell, where I remained last night, and this morning was tried before the magistrate, only, however, to be acquitted. What made it worse was, that I should be arrested with a nigger, and be tried with a nigger, and acquitted with a nigger. He was a huge nigger--a colossal nigger--a nigger fully six feet and four inches in height; his face betrayed no evidence of light--it was all shade; he was a nigger, above all others, so black, that he would make an excellent drum-major to a funeral procession, if custom sanctioned the employment of that non-commissioned official on such occasions. Inasmuch, however, as custom doesn't do any such thing, the next best use to which the sable giant could be put, would be to make his face the figurehead of a Broadway mourning store; with the exception of his large size and remarkable black face, the nigger in question looked very much like other niggers not in question. He was a nigger, in fact, who gave as his name the half-classic and half-descriptive appellation of Cesar Freeman. I have always been a "woolly-head" until now, but may I be bursted if I don't go and join the Know Nothings to-morrow, and begin a crusade against all niggers--particularly nigger-giants and nigger women.
"'How did this occur?' I inquired, anxiously.
"'I'll tell you,' said he. 'But before doing so however, I desire to state a fact. We have all our human weaknesses; indeed, it may be set down as a truism that human beings do have human weaknesses to a greater or less extent; I am a human being; I have my human weakness, and that weakness is my collars; it required years of experiment to bring my collars to their present perfection; nearly all of the quarrels I ever had have been with laundresses who have failed to do them up to my liking; if a man wishes to ruffle my temper he need only to ruffle my collar, and it is accomplished; tell me the Savings Bank, where I deposit my extra money, has collapsed in the region of the money-vault; tell me that I have got to attend a charity ball; give me the jumping toothache; place me in a Bowery stage with fourteen inside, and I in juxtaposition to a dirty woman with a squalling baby who has got the seven years' itch--all of these I can bear, but when it comes to interfere with my collars it is going a point too far. Now I come to the time when unforeseen circumstances brought me in violent collision with this nigger of African extraction; I was walking down the street, near where the belligerent demonstration took place, when I saw directly in front of me a long-tailed man in an amiable-appearing coat--no--an amiable-appearing coat in a long-tailed--no--I mean an amiable-appearing man in a long-tailed coat. For my life I could not conceive why that amiable individual's proclivities in matters of apparel should lead him to wear a garment of so ridiculous a cut. I had just come to the sage conclusion that it was because every donkey in the country chooses to have his hips appear high or low to suit the caprice of Broadway tailors, when at that moment the amiable person, together with his long-tailed coat, was driven from my mind. I became suddenly conscious that an important event had transpired.
An elderly female nigger, in throwing water on a store-window which she was cleaning, did not confine her professional favors exclusively to the window for which she had been hired, but she disbursed copious supplies of Croton upon the passers-by, for which she had not been hired. In fact, I am bold to assert, that several persons were favored with several gratuitous duckings by this colored female. I was one of those persons; a bountiful current of water interrupted the current of my thoughts; like a juvenile Niagara, it dashed against my collar in the left side, as you can see. Now, my collar is impervious to perspiration, but it could not stand up under the soaking of a cataract; as my collar fell my choler rose; I looked around at the sable author of my troubles, and I saw on her face an exultant grin at what she had done. I felt as if I would like to have crammed a wet broom which she had in her hand down her throat, splint end downwards; for obvious reasons I did not do this; but I did speak to her in language expressive of my emphatic disapprobation of the unasked-for and informal baptism with which she had been pleased to favor me; I suppose my words must have frightened her; at any rate she fell off from a stool on which she was elevated; she gave a scream; this black Hercules came down the stairs; she informed him that I had insulted her; he looked at me with his teeth grinning as if he would like to have eaten me without gravy or condiment; he gave one diabolical grin, and then came at me.
I am not pugnacious; a lamb-like inoffensiveness has ever been my prominent characteristic; I have a constitutional repugnance to a fight, either with weapons natural or artificial; if loaded fire-arms are around I never feel so safe as when I see the butt-ends pointed at my vital parts; though not a member of the Peace Society, yet that society has ever had in me an ardent sympathizer; peaceful though I be, yet, when the sleeping lion within me is aroused, I know no bounds to my rage, and I insist upon going about, seeking whom I may devour; I saw the belligerent attitude of my enemy; he struck me; we grappled; an insatiable desire to taste the flesh of a colored man at that instant seized upon me; in a moment the digits of his right hand were between my teeth; I know that for a moment or two hostilities were active; I became conscious, too, that hostilities ceased; I soon learned the cause; the cause was the arrival of two policemen, who are always around when they shouldn't be, and never when they should. I was brought to the station-house.'
"'Well, what took place before the court?' I asked.
"'At seven this morning,' said Buxton, 'we were brought before the judge, and put in a pen; on one side of me was the aforesaid nigger, and on the other side a disgusting piece of feminine humanity; an importation from Ireland, who had just come off from a bender. Our names were finally called, the nigger's first, by all that's holy. Two officers who arrested us were the witnesses; they testified that on last evening, about dusk, they were engaged in conversation on the corner of a street which forms the boundary line between their respective beats, when they saw a crowd collected on the sidewalk, about a square above; they ran there, and they saw me and the nigger engaged in a fight; they said that the nigger was striking me violently with his left fist; his right hand was between my teeth, while I was kicking and striking the nigger very generally and promiscuously, and a nigger woman who was present was laying the blows on me with a broom whenever she could; at that moment they arrested me and the nigger; it required all their strength to secure us, such was the violence of our efforts to get away; hence they were unable to take the woman into custody.
"'The judge showed the cussed bad taste to ask the nigger to make his statement first. The nigger said that I had insulted his wife, and had made improper proposals to her; that made me wrathy; I told him that he was guilty of uttering a falsehood before the court; emphatically pronounced his assertion relative to my making an insulting proposal to that feminine lump of animated charcoal, with whom he very properly cohabited, to be an unequivocal lie; I am no controversalist, and still less would I descend from my exalted height to engage in a controversy with that herculean African, especially after enduring the perspiration, which, despite my frantic efforts to the contrary, I was compelled to suffer during a hot night, in a cell where any respectable thermometer, if it could be induced to go into the cell once, if it was anything at all, would be a hundred at least; yes, sir,' he continued, 'and should you ever have a morbid desire to enter into controversy, recline your heated form of a hot night in the cell which I occupied, and by morning you will insist upon retiring into some secluded spot, from which secluded spot you can look dispassionately and unmoved upon the moral strifes of the world.
"'Well, the up-shot of the matter was that both of us were discharged.'
"I gave Mr. Buxton what consolation I could, after which he took his departure to put on a new collar."
When Mr. Spout had concluded his narration, he proceeded to awaken such of the members of the club as were still present, telling them that it was time to go home. But he did not succeed in fully arousing them to an appreciation of the lateness of the hour, until he had put ice into their boot-legs and shirt-bosoms.
