The History and Records of the Elephant Club 21 – Doesticks · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The History and Records of the Elephant Club 21The Club in an Uproar
18
Literature · Humor
The History and Records of the Elephant Club 21
The Club in an Uproar
DoesticksEnglish
Now doth the little busy bee
Improve each shining hour
And gather honey all the day
From every opening--
TOWARDS nine o'clock one evening, the members of the club had casually convened in the club-room, although no notice had been given that they were to assemble on that occasion. The only absentee was Johnny Cake, but this created no surprise, as the wonder was, not why any member was absent, but why so many were present.
An hour was passed in discussing the current events of the day, when some member suggested, that if anybody had anything to offer, either amusing or instructive, an excellent opportunity was now afforded.
It so happened that Mr. Remington Dropper had in his pocket a quantity of foolscap, on which he had written a statement of certain experience, with which he had been favored on the previous day.
A general wish was expressed that Mr. Dropper might make himself useful in the exigency. He consented, and after the members had lighted their pipes, the barkeeper had been signalized for eight whisky-punches, and the Higholdboy had seated himself in his chair, the meeting was declared to be duly organized.
Mr. Dropper commenced:
"Yesterday," said he, "I had the pleasure of seeing our favorite quadruped as he appeared on Broadway, from an omnibus, whilst on a voyage from the South Ferry to Union Square. At half-past two o'clock I went over the ferry to Hamilton Avenue, Brooklyn. Having transacted my business, set out on my return, jumped aboard the ferry-boat and was soon on the New York side; stepped outside the gate, when I was beset by two dozen different omnibus agents, and as many different drivers. 'Here y'ar, right up Broadway.' 'Wide awake, 'ere Bower' un' Gran' street.' 'Right up Broadway, Sixth Avenue.' 'Here's Broad'ay, Bleeck' street, un' Eigh thavenue.' 'Here y'ar Bowery un' Ouston street.'
"'I want to go to Greenwich Avenue,' said a timid old gentleman.
"'Here y'ar,' said the agent, as he took the old gentleman by the seat of his pantaloons, and threw him head first into an East Broadway stage.
"The old gentleman, as soon as he could recover from his astonishment, looked out of the window at the agent.
"'Sir,' said he, 'does this stage carry me to Greenwich Avenue?'
"'Certing,' was the prompt reply, 'you'll get there, never fear. Here's Eas' Broadway un' Dry Dock.'
"'Where do you want to go madam?' asked the Ninth Avenue stage-agent of a lady accompanied by a little boy.
"'To the Crystal Palace,' said the lady.
"'Here y'ar then,' said he, as he placed her in the stage which probably stopped fully three quarters of a mile from the place.
"At last, all the persons desiring to ride had secured seats in stages, but whether the stages they desired is quite doubtful. I jumped in a Broadway and Fourteenth street stage, the agent gave the door two slams, and off we started. The passengers were an old maid with a poodle dog, a young miss who had just put on a long dress, a German, an old buffer who occupied space for two, and myself. Suddenly we stopped in Whitehall street, on our larboard side we find ourselves caught against a Sixth Avenue stage coming down, and our starboard quarter caught against the hubs of a cart. Carman apologetic--Sixth Avenue stage-driver affable. Passengers frightened. Maiden lady with poodle dog exclaimed, 'Oh, dear me!' Poodle dog barked. Fat gentleman thought that stage-drivers now-a-days were growing too careless. Got under way. Sighted Bowling Green off our port bow. Female from Ireland with native infant hailed the vehicle. Driver stopped. Female from Ireland tumbled up the steps. Driver slammed the door, which struck the female from Ireland a severe blow in the rear. Result, female from Ireland lying prostrate on the floor, and native infant lying around loose on the person of the old maid, in the particular premises claimed by the poodle dog. Poodle dog barked and snapped at native infant; native infant cried. Old maid scolds female from Ireland. Female from Ireland takes up native infant, and anathematizes poodle dog. Fat gentleman suggests that it's all the result of the recklessness of the driver. Old lady and female from Ireland pacified. German female, with a basket of dirty clothes, seeks admittance. Driver accommodating. Enter German female, and exit myself. Take my position on top with the driver. Band of music heard in the direction of Wall street. Target company turn into Broadway. Inebriated negro carrying a target, on which is inscribed, 'Michael Flinn Guard, Capt. Pat. Sweeny.' Horse attached to a buggy coming down Broadway, unused to military demonstrations--unaccustomed to the noises of sixteen German gentlemen, making frantic efforts to blow their brains out through brass horns. Horse rears and plunges into the rank and file of the Michael Flinn Guard.
Consternation of the infantry at an unexpected attack from the cavalry. Cavalry triumphant. Michael Flinn Guard commence throwing stones at individual in the buggy. Individual drives off. Plethoric German scrapes himself up, and finds the starch entirely taken out of his ophicleide. German with light moustache has lost the mouth-piece of his E flat saxe horn; Michael Flinn Guards endeavoring to find their arms. Irish corporal unable to discover his bayonet. First lieutenant finds his sword run through the tenor drum. Ambitious private finds the pewter cake-basket he won as a prize, with the butt end of a musket through it. Guns in several instances in fragments; swords broken; brass horns disjointed, and, as a consequence, music non est. By general consent, Michael Flinn Guards break ranks and disperse. Lady with hoop skirts hails the driver. Driver again obliging. Enter hoop skirts. Gentleman with a baby-wagon hails driver. 'Whoa-'p.' Astonishing driver. Gentleman lifts up the baby-wagon on the top. Driver receives it, and gently smashes it in pieces. Gentleman gets inside. Dropsical individual on the starboard quarter hails us. The gentleman enters, and again we are under way. Teutonic target company turn into Broadway from Courtlandt street--'The Lager Bier Invincibles, Capt Conrad Künzmüller.' Suddenly find ourselves smashed up amid a perfect labyrinth of carts, stages, buggies, wagons, horses, mules, cotton bales, boxes, furniture, drivers, policemen, passengers, pedestrians, &c. A wagonload of dirt on our port side--wagon-driver unsophisticated; unused to driving in New York. In advance a cart having two bales of hay on board. Our horses, having nothing else to do, make efforts to get at the hay. Our driver again accommodating. He gets down and unchecks the horses. Horses proceed to make inroads upon property not belonging to the omnibus company. Carman discovers the larceny. Indignant carman. Hits our horses over the head with the butt end of his whip. Reciprocal indignation. Our driver gives carman a cut across his proboscis with a long lash.
"Our progress continues.
"Fat gentleman impatient. Reasserts his previously-expressed conviction, that the stage is an imposition: says he'll get out. Driver insists on payment. Fat gentleman passes up a quarter. Driver passes him back a ten-cent piece and eight cents. Fat gentleman insists that he is swindled to the extent of one cent, which he demands. Driver very obliging, and 'don't he wish he may get it.' Fat gentleman gets out, but finds himself completely surrounded by vehicles, and without a possibility of being able to reach the curb-stone in safety, concludes to enter the stage again. Driver refuses to open the door. Fat gentleman demands to be admitted. Driver says he'll see him blowed first. Fat gentleman frantic, but driver incorrigible. At last fat gentleman gets on his hands and knees, and, after crawling under a team of horses and the tails of two carts, reaches the sidewalk. Again moving. Irish female with native infant pulls the strap. Driver accommodating. Female inquires if this is a Bowery stage. Driver says no. Female insists upon getting out. Driver insists, with equal warmth, that, as a prior condition, she must disgorge a sixpence. Female indisposed to comply. Old maid with the poodle dog gives the strap three convulsive jerks. 'Whoa-'p.' Old maid says that native infant, belonging to female from Ireland, has the ship fever. Female from Ireland indignantly denies the statement, and says that it is only the itch. Old maid swoons. Poodle dog barks at all the passengers generally, and the female from Ireland particularly. Dropsical gentleman puts some smelling-salts under the nose of old maid. Happy result. Old maid revives, and asks if anybody beside herself was injured by the explosion. Sight Fulton street off our starboard bow. Enter Fifth Avenue and Amity street stages, R. 1st Entrance. Exit Irish porter with a load of band-boxes, L. 1st Entrance, in time to save his bacon and band-boxes. New feature coming up Fulton street from the East River--'The Sour Krout Guards, Captain Wilhelm Stein,' in return from target excursion.
Still another feature coming up Fulton street from North River--'The Patrick Gaffney Grenadiers, Captain Timothy Leahey,' on a return from target excursion. Two companies approach one another. Menacing looks on the part of the Sour Krout Guards. Bellicose attitude of the Gaffney Grenadiers. Belligerent manifestation of the Sour Krouts; corporal of the Gaffneys throws a brick at the Sour Krouts. Sour Krouts boiling over with indignation, make a demonstration. Both companies unused to the management of firelocks, but accustomed to war and carnage. They lay down their arms and take up their fists. General, promiscuous, and miscellaneous shoulder-hitting by the strength of both companies. Enter third party. Mad bull rushes down Broadway and pitches into the hottest of the fight, with horns down and tail up. Sour Krouts and Gaffneys in consternation fly from the scene of the struggle in all directions. Mad bull makes a descent into a mock auction shop. Stool pigeons and auctioneer all knocked down without a bidder. Sudden fall in pinchbeck watches. Bull stands for a moment in a contemplative mood over the devastation, and then walks away with a dignified air. Barnum's in sight. Lady and three children get inside. Female from Ireland with native infant concludes to pay the sixpence and get out. Astor House in the usual place. Barclay street in the distance. By way of variety, a company turn into Broadway, 'The Tugmutton Terribles, Captain Frightful Buster,' in a return from a target excursion at Hoboken. The captain elevated, lieutenants inebriated, privates intoxicated, the nigger target-bearer drunk--effect of having eaten too many ham sandwiches. Stage again immobile. Two Hoosiers get inside, and ask the driver to stop at the St. Nicholas Tavern. Funeral procession coming down Broadway. Forty-nine carriages. Learned that the remains of Dennis Hooligan, the keeper of a corner grocery in Hammersley street, were being conveyed to their last resting-place. Just as the hearse reaches Anthony street a ponderous cart crosses Broadway. Wheels fifteen feet in diameter. Steamboat boiler suspended under the axletree.
Majestic vehicle fetches up all standing against a cart loaded with flour. Fall in breadstuffs. Prodigal distribution of flour. Hearse and funeral procession in close proximity.
"Vehicles accumulate. Great commotion among drivers. Procession mixed up in an indiscriminate verbal war. At last hearse manages to go down towards the Five Points. The procession succeeds in getting out by turning in the other direction, except the rear portion, which, to my knowledge, never got out. Once more under way, and making good time. Man with a gold-headed cane stops the stage, and passes up a five-cent piece. Driver swears, and advises him to ride in the cars hereafter. Driver suggests that he is full ten minutes behind time, and is bound to make it up. Lays on the lash, much to the surprise of the animals. Driver pulls up in front of the St. Nicholas Hotel, and announces the spot through the money-hole. Nobody essays to pass up any fare. Driver repeats the announcement. Nobody moves. Driver inquires, impatiently, if there ain't 'two fellers inside wot wanted to git out at the St. Nicholas Hotel.' Still no reply. Again the inquiry. One of the Hoosiers said he asked him to 'stop at the St. Nicholas tarvern, 'cause why, 'cause he wanted to see it. He'd seen it enough; it was a purty nice tarvern, he reckoned, and he might drive on.' Driver gave the horses an extra cut, and we move again. Asthmatic party pulls the strap. After feeling in all of his pockets for two minutes, informs the driver that he left his porte-monnaie in his other pantaloons. Driver says the story won't go down--that the game is too old. Party tries to make his exit, but the door won't open, the driver holding hard on the strap. Asthmatic party threatens to horsewhip driver. Driver says, 'any time when conwenyent he hoped he'll make the trial.' Driver about to start, when asthmatic party pulls out his jack-knife and cuts the strap. Asthmatic party triumphs. Driver, frantic with rage, throws an apple at asthmatic party, and hits asthmatic party on his knowledge-box. Asthmatic party falls, and upsets an apple-stand. Celtic female, the proprietor of the apple-stand, hits asthmatic party with a brick. Both parties close in, and fight amid the ruins of the apple-stand. Driver starts the horses, but looks around to watch the fight. Horses sheer off to the starboard, and the hub of the hind wheel breaks down a lamp-post. Driver observes policeman approaching at a rapid speed. No time to survey the ruins, so he applies the lash, and we move away from the scene of the mishap at a speed ominous of swift destruction to horse-shoes and wagon-tires. Female, with three children, calls out to stop, and passes up a three-dollar bill. Driver inquires if she hasn't got any change. Female gives a negative response. Driver gives change in small pieces, retaining as fare the moderate sum of seventy-five cents for a woman and three children. Woman attempts to count the change. Driver sings out to 'Hurry up--behind time--can't wait all day.' Female bewildered, leaves with her children, and driver whips up the horses, remarking that he 'guesses she'll learn, after a while, not to pass up bills for stage-fare.' Soon reach Union Square. Tell the driver I'll get off. Offer him a sixpence. Driver says, 'he'll not take a cent; that if there ever was a nout-'n'-outer, I'm one, and he hopes that it won't be the last time we'll meet; and if he only had time, he wouldn't let me off without treatin' me.' I thanked him for his good opinion, shook hands, and jumped off the box.
"Thus, gentlemen," concluded Mr. Dropper, "ends the history of my voyage on an omnibus."
Mr. Quackenbush arose, and stated that he regarded Mr. Dropper's paper as a valuable addition to the historical writings of the country. He therefore moved that a gold medal be prepared by a committee of the club, of which the Higholdboy should not be an ex-officio member, for presentation to Mr. Dropper. Mr. Dropper to pay the whole expense of procuring the same, and to stand a champagne supper for the honor conferred on him.
The motion was carried with only one dissenting voice--that of Mr. Dropper, who said he didn't want any such expensive and equivocal honors.
The presiding officer informed Mr. Dropper that he was fined three cents for contempt of club.
Over an hour was now passed in a state of inactivity. Some of the members slept and some didn't. As a means of inducing excitement of some kind, a member signalized the institution on the first floor for pork and beans for the entire crowd. This was promptly answered, and for a time the club had enough to engage its attention. After the aforesaid luxuries had been duly disposed of, the members proceeded to take seats, lie on the floor, prop themselves against the wall, and hang themselves up on a peg, as best suited their independent fancies. The presiding officer announced that the rules on this occasion would be enforced strictly. Accordingly, each individual present began to do exactly what pleased him, without any regard to the comfort, convenience, or personal predilections of anybody else. The Higholdboy first secured the left boot of every member present. After pulling a boot on each leg of the table, he put one on each of his hands, like a gauntlet, and then laid the seventh on the table. The object of Mr. Spout, in pursuing this eccentric course of conduct, soon became apparent, when he laid himself on the table, using the aforesaid solitary boot as a pillow, it being manifest that he desired to preclude the possibility of an adjournment during the nap, and inasmuch as it would be found inconvenient for the members to leave the premises with but a single pedal covering, and as it would be impossible for a member to secure the other, without awakening the most venerable and exceedingly somnolent Higholdboy, it will be apparent to the credulous reader that Mr. Spout's idea was quite ingenious.
Under these circumstances, each member determined to make himself as comfortable as the time, the place, and the conveniences would admit of.
Mr. Boggs was lying flat on his back, trying to drink a hot whisky-punch without breaking the tumbler, spilling the liquor, or getting the sugar inside his whiskers. Mr. Overdale was learning "juggling without a master," and was endeavoring to spin plates on his whalebone cane. In striving to acquire this elegant accomplishment, he had broken all the dishes in the premises. As he varied his plate-spinning endeavors with repeated trials at tossing the cups and balls, for which purpose he used the tumblers and coffee-cups, and as, whenever he caught one cup, he dropped two, and stepped on the fragments, the work of demolition went bravely on.
Mr. Van Dam amused himself by blacking the faces of all the pictures in the room with charcoal. Dennis employed himself for an hour and a half in whittling off with a jack-knife one leg of every chair in the apartment, so as to make it four inches shorter than the rest. Wagstaff collected all the books he could find, and piled them into a shaky pyramid, which he was preparing to push over with a broomstick upon the head of the unconscious Higholdboy.
Quackenbush had not been idle; taking advantage of the drowsiness of his superior officer, he had sewed the bottoms of that gentleman's pantaloons together with a waxed end, after which he made a moustache on himself with burned cork, and then painted the left side of his face in three-cornered patches like a sleepy harlequin, dyed his shirt-collar scarlet with red ink, and went to sleep in the corner to await the result, having first tripped up Mr. Overdale, who, by way of a new variation in his juggling performances, was now trying to balance the poker on his nose, while he held a rocking-chair in one hand and a hat-box full of oyster shells in the other. Dropper had a checker-board before him, and was superintending a game between his right and left hand.
But suddenly, those of the Elephants who were in their waking senses, became sensible of a noise outside. It begun at the foot of the stairs, like the sound of a regiment of crazy Boston watchmen, all springing their rattles at once. The noise became louder, and seemed to be coming up the stairs, and now rivalled in sound a mail-train on a race. Now the uproar became more distinct, and evidently proceeded from some person or persons outside, who were provided with some ingenious facilities for kicking up a row, with which ordinary roisterers are unacquainted. These persons now began a furious attack upon the "outer walls." Mr. Overdale paused in his plate-breaking occupation, long enough to pour out a few emphatic sentences, addressed to the individuals outside, in which he consigned them to a locality too hot for a powder-mill, and then resumed his practice.
As the door began to shake, Overdale laid down the poker, smashed what few large pieces of plates were left over the head of the recumbent Quackenbush, awoke the Higholdboy by rolling him off the table, aroused the rest of the party by a few kicks in the ribs, and then, undoing the fastenings of the door, was proceeding to expostulate with the disturbers. No sooner, however, had he opened the door, than a rush was made by the invaders, and Mr. Dropper upset by the besieging party. Mr. Dropper fell upon the stomach of the half-awakened Quackenbush, they both pitched into Mr. Boggs, and then all three rolled over the Higholdboy. This last-named personage, having the bottoms of his pantaloons sewed together, could not arise until the friendly jack-knife unfettered his lengthy legs. All parties being restored to the perpendicular, an immediate inquiry was made into the cause of the disturbance.
Then it was discovered that the person who had kicked up this diabolical bobbery was no less a personage than the heretofore discreet and temperate Johnny Cake, aided and abetted by an individual unknown to the rest of the company, but whose appearance bespoke him to be one of the boys, who, although not an "Elephant," presented at first sight distinguished claims to be honored with that enviable distinction.
Yes, Johnny Cake, the man who would never be persuaded to taste a glass of liquor of any kind, who had always endeavored to keep his companions from spirituous imbibition; the virtuous cold-waterite, whom the sight of a glass of brandy would give a cold chill, a whisky-punch throw into spasms, or a mug of "lager" give a teetotal convulsion, stood now before the astounded Elephantine brotherhood drunk, plainly, undeniably, unequivocally drunk.
He had a black eye, and a swelled nose. His coat was on hind side before, and buttoned between his shoulders, while his pantaloons were entirely bereft of buttons, and were secured from parting company only by two pieces of telegraph-wire which, with commendable ingenuity, he had converted into extemporaneous metallic suspenders. His companion was in a singular state of derangement as to his personal attire, having no coat at all, and a red shirt over his nether continuations.
As soon as the first expression of surprise was over, the Higholdboy, comprehending that something unusual had taken place, ordered the company to be seated. In obedience to this peremptory order from the most noble officer of the club, the Elephantines each took a seat, but as the inglorious young man before-mentioned had made the chairs exceedingly treacherous and insecure, by cutting off one leg of each, the immediate consequence of the attempt was another general sprawlification upon the floor, executed in a masterly manner by the entire strength of the company. After five minutes of vigorous polyglot profanity had somewhat relieved the feelings of the fallen Elephantines, and they had recovered their feet, they contrived to sit down; the chairs were as treacherous as ever, but being forewarned, the members were forearmed, and by dint of many exertions, contrived to maintain their seats with a tolerable show of dignity.
Johnny Cake was too far gone to make any intelligible replies, or give any account of himself, and it was resolved to postpone his examination until he should get sober. His companion, however, who seemed to be something in the theatrical way, gave his own story in his own peculiar manner, but refused to enlighten the anxious brotherhood about poor Johnny.
He possessed a facility of quotation equal to Richard Swiveller, Esq.'s, but he was as reckless about the exactitude of his extracts, and jumbled up his authorities with as much confusion as Captain Cuttle himself. He seldom gave a quotation right, but would break off in the middle and substitute some words of his own, or dovetail an irrelevant piece from some strange author, or mix up half-a dozen authors with interpolations of his own, in an inextricable verbal jumble.
The Higholdboy and the stranger held the following conversation:
"What's your name?"
"Peter Knight; am a native to the marrow-bone.--That's Shakspeare."
"Young man, strange young man, young man to me unknown; young man of the peculiar hat and ruby shirt, I fear to adapt my conversation to your evident situation; that you're drunk, emphatically drunk, I repeat it, drunk--drunk was my remark--D--Runk, drunk."
"It's true, 'tis pity; pity 'tis there isn't the devil a doubt of it.--That's Scott."
"Where did you get your liquor?"
"Where the bee sucks, there sucks Peter Knight all day. Thou base, inglorious slave, think'st thou I will reveal the noble name of him who gave me wine? No, sir-ee, Bob.--That's Beaumont and Fletcher."
"Ante up or leave the board; that is to say fire away, let us know, we won't tell. Although we never drink, we like to know where drink we might get, in case of cholera, or colic."
"I do remember an apothecary and here-abouts he dwells; no he don't, he lives over in the Bowery--but in his needy shop a cod-fish hangs, and on his shelves a beggarly account of empty bottles; noting this penury to myself, I said, if any man did need a brandy-punch, whose sale is fifty dollars fine in Gotham, here lives a caitiff wretch who has probably got plenty of it under the counter. Why should I here conceal my fault? Wine ho! I cried. The call was answered. I have no wine, said he, but plenty of whis--. Silence! thou pernicious caitiff, quoth I; thou invisible spirit of wine, since we can get thee by no other name, why let us call thee gin and sugar. He brought the juice of cursed juniper in a phial, and in the porches of my throat did pour Udolpho Wolfe's distilment. Thus was I by a Dutchman's hand at once dispatched--not drunk or sober--sent into the dirty streets three-quarters tight, with all my imperfections on my head. The fellow's name? My very soul rebels. But whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the cuffs and bruises of this bloody Dutchman or to take arms against his red-haired highness, and by informing end him? I go and it is done. Villain, here's at thy heart! His name, your Honor, is Bobblesnoffkin in the Bowery. That's Shakspeare mixed."
"Young man, whose shirt has escaped from all control, and now hangs loose, the posterior section of which has also sustained a serious, and, I fear, irremediable fracture, I have another question to propound; answer upon your life. Have you got a home?"
"My home is on the deep, deep sea.--That's Plutarch's Lives."
"How do you get your living?"
"Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt that I'll get a living while the oyster-sloops don't have but one watchman.--That's Billy S. again."
"Do you pay for your oysters?"
"Base is the slave that pays; the speed of thought is in my limbs.--That's Byron."
"Do you steal them and then run away?"
"I've told thee all, I'll tell no more, though short the story be; let me go back where I was before and I'll get my living without troubling the corporation. That's Tom Moore, altered to suit circumstances."
"You ought to dispense with the brandy and gin."
"Oh, I could be happy with either, were 'tother dear charmer bottled up and the cork put in.--That's Dibdin with a vengeance."
"Young man, I fear you've led our young friend, whom you now see asleep amongst the broken crockery, from the paths of sobriety. What do you suppose will become of you if you go on in this way?"
"Alas, poor Yorick!--Peter, I mean. Who knows where he will lay his bones? Few and short will the prayers be said, and nobody'll feel any sorrow: but they'll cram him into his clay-cold bed, and bury somebody else on the top of him to-morrow; the minister will come, put on his robe and read the service; the choir'll sing a hymn; earth to earth and dust to gravel, and that'll be the last of Peter Knight."
The Higholdboy consulting with those members of the club who were still awake, it was resolved forthwith to put Peter Knight down stairs. As he went he remarked:
"Fare thee well, and if for ever, all the better.--That's Byron, revised and corrected."
Johnny Cake was manifestly too far gone to think of taking him to a hotel to sleep, and under these circumstances the club resolved itself into a committee of the whole, to remain in sleepy session all night, to take care of their prostrate fellow-member, Mr. Johnny Cake.
