The History and Records of the Elephant Club 22 – Doesticks · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The History and Records of the Elephant Club 22Wright
18
Literature · Humor
The History and Records of the Elephant Club 22
Wright
DoesticksEnglish
IN the last chapter of this veritable history is related the unexpected and unusually thorough inebriation of Mr. John I. Cake, from the verdant prairies of Illinois. The alcoholically-saturated condition of Johnny's corporosity, on the occasion herein-before-mentioned, surprised the thirsty brotherhood far more than would a similar state of facts in which any other one of the fraternity should have been implicated, because as Johnny had always perched himself upon the aqueous pinnacle of misanthropic teetotalism, it was not reasonable to suppose that he should, by one single dive, precipitate himself at once to the lowest depth of inebriation--for his profession's sake, he should have come down easier.
As his new-made friends had taken his moral culture under their especial guardianship, he was duly required, the next evening, to give, for the instruction and edification of the club, a full account of his night's experience.
Having first premised that he only complied with this desire in obedience to that imperative rule of the club, to which he had solemnly, affixed his name, which, in the most awful language, pledges every member who takes that terrible obligation to do exactly as he pleases, unless his own pleasure shall influence him otherwise, or unless, upon mature consideration, he shall decide that he had rather do something else, he proceeded to enlighten the anxious Elephantine expectants.
"When I left you yesterday," said he, "I had no more idea that I should so far overstep the bounds of my customary propriety, and make my next appearance before you in a state of alcoholic disguise, than I have at this present moment that the setting sun will see me under arrest for picking somebody's pocket of a steam saw-mill. Strolling about yesterday for some time, I became tired of the monotonous hurry of Broadway, and eventually strayed into that delightful rural locality which you call, I think, the Bowery.
"On the corner of this avenue of the rustic cognomen and Broome street, there is a place of refreshment for the weary. I entered its open doors, and sat down in a little three-sided closet, determined to procure the wherewithal to refresh the inner individual. Obedient to my upraised finger, a person came. This person had on a small white apron; this person also flourished in his dexter-digits a napkin of questionable purity; this person wore slippers, and had a voice like an asthmatic bull-frog; this person was a city waiter--a male waiter--a degeneration of the genus homo, which I sincerely hope will, at no very distant day, become utterly extinct. He procured for me the viands which my capricious taste selected from the suggestive printed list of edibles there to be obtained. While engaged in consigning to a living grave the bivalves he had brought, I had a fair opportunity to observe some, to me, remarkable gymnastics then in course of accomplishment by an active young man who presided at the bar, and held dominion over the bottles. First pouring into a tumbler some liquid, to me unknown, diluting it with water, adding ice, sugar, lemon, and other ingredients with which I am unacquainted, he proceeded to throw the compound about in the most unheard-of manner, from one tumbler to another, over his head, under his leg, round his neck, over one arm and under the other, without ever spilling a drop. First uplifting one hand high in air, he poured the mixture in a sparkling cascade from the glass in the right hand, to that in the left; then he threw it in a sparkling shower in the air, till the lumps of ice rattled on the ceiling; then he dispersed it in a misty spray about his head and recovered it all in his magic glass, by some diabolic dexterity, without losing the fraction of a drop; then, in one grand, final effort, he tossed it round the beer-pump, down one side, and up the other, and over the chandelier, changing a two-dollar bill while it was in the air, and giving his customer his drink with one hand, and with the other his silver change, intermixed with twenty per cent. of pewter dimes, which the thirsty buyer invariably pocketed before he could recover from his astonishment.
"I finished my dinner, and was anxious to see the little man perform again. I approached the little man, and desired him to concoct me a lemonade. He inquired if I wanted a 'fly' in it. As the flying part was what I most desired, I answered yes. The little man went through the motions. I sent the lemonade to its destination, noticing at the time something remarkably nectarean in the taste. As I supposed the evolutions which it had accomplished in mid-air had imparted to it an unusual flavor, and as I wanted to see the performance again, I immediately subscribed for one more of the same sort. Again the question about the fly--again an affirmative, with a remark that the bigger the fly, the better I should be pleased, supposing that thereby he would, for my satisfaction, make it fly through some new motions. I am satisfied that this time the fly was larger than on the former occasion. I was still unsatisfied; another subscription, and another lemonade, but this time the entomological interrogation was not propounded--he took the fly for granted, and he was right. About this time the person who came home with me last night made his appearance. I shook hands with him at once, for I thought I recognized him. I imagined that he was a man who, seven years ago, licked me with a rawhide for stealing his pippins and setting fire to his sugar-bush, and I was anxious to shake hands for old acquaintance sake. I beg now, however, to state that I am satisfied this impression was erroneous, for I have this morning a distinct recollection that the individual of pomological memory removed to Kansas, where he was first lynched for stealing a horse, and afterward chosen county treasurer and inspector of election. However, be that as it may, certain it is, that, at that particular moment, thinking I had fallen in with an old friend, I invited him to drink with me. He accepted, and presently he proposed punch, and made a remark about cobbler. Punch I had heard mentioned as the prince of good fellows, and I was anxious to make his acquaintance. Cobbler I had only heard of as a man of lapstones and leather aprons, and I did not particularly desire to know him. On receiving an introduction to Punch, I was amazed to find that he was not an individual but a drink--a luscious combination of fragrant ingredients. Although I was mistaken in the identity, I was pleased with him, and it may not be superfluous to remark that the more I saw of him, the more I wanted to see, and the more I did see. About this time I had two friends; there were two active little men behind the bar, each throwing from double-barrelled tumblers two streams of lemonade over his head, each with two flies in. There were two beer-pumps, each with two dozen handles, and the number of bottles and decanters was beyond computation. The floor rose up and down in wooden billows, and knocked my hat off. I attempted to remonstrate with floor, but at this juncture the floor clinched me; we had a long wrestle, and finally went down--floor on top. By a convulsive exertion I 'turned' the floor, got it under, and stood on it to keep it down; had some compunctions about striking a fallen enemy, but passion got the better of me, and I tried to kick the floor; floor kicked back, and threw sand-dust in my eyes; got away; wanted to get out doors, but the room had changed about so, that the door was over my head, and the bar, with the active little men, was nearly under my feet; was afraid I should walk over the little men, and break the bottles; stepped very carefully so as to avoid any such accident, and put my foot in the stove. Peter rescued me from the devouring element, and got me out of doors.
"Peter said he would see me home, and asked me where I lived; told him I was an elephant; made him understand that I could show him the place where I hung out, even if I couldn't tell him--so we started.
"We must have come through Chatham street, for I can remember seeing some one with a hammer, selling clothing. I know I wanted to go in and make some purchases. The ruling idea in my mind, at that moment, was, that the grey mare wanted a winter overcoat, the oxen a pair of striped pantaloons apiece, that the sow, and each of her tender offspring, ought to have a red jacket and a pair of spectacles, and that it was a matter of necessity and charity to purchase seven dozen hickory shirts to keep the blue jays away from the apple-trees. I went in, and commenced bidding. I know I was not particular about prices, and that any opposition provoked me exceedingly--so much so that I bid twenty-three dollars for a second-hand pocket-handkerchief, because, when the auctioneer started it at ten cents, and I offered fifteen, a hook-nosed Jew bid three cents over me. Auction over at last; man with the hammer wanted me to pay up--found that I had bought three quarters of his stock, and hadn't money enough to settle the bill. I know I gave him all I had, and also my coat and neckerchief to make up the balance. I also have a distinct recollection of calling him a Hebrew robber, upon which he knocked me in the eye with his hammer, and followed up this declaration of hostilities by splitting my nose with a yard-stick. We got out of doors, and proceeded down town. On the corner of Chambers street the Third Avenue Railroad squared off, and knocked me down. Peter held me steady, while I rebuked the offender in proper terms. The Third Avenue Railroad took off its hat and apologized. I forgave it.
"We went into a cellar; got in by a complicated dive. I sat down at first on the piano, next on a pile of oyster-shells, and, finally, by the aid of a huge pair of whiskers, with a little Dutchman behind them, deposited myself in a chair--on top of Peter. Peter got out after a prolonged struggle; place very hirsute; big beards on everybody; ten parts of hair to one part Dutchman. My vision may have been slightly deranged, but I am certain that one diminutive German had two pairs of whiskers--a moustache just over his eyes, and a four-foot yellow beard which sprung from his teeth. We drank lager bier.
"Peter quoted Shakspeare when the man said "pay up," and insisted on singing an English chorus to a Dutch song; company indignant, Peter very valiant, but too few in number. Peter fought, Peter kicked, Peter swore, Peter was overpowered, Peter was elevated in the arms of four stout Dutchmen above the heads of the company. Exit Peter, through the window. In leaving the room myself, I, too, received some uncalled-for aid, but finally rejoined Peter on the sidewalk above.
"I spied the mystic light which told me the Elephantine resort was close at hand--couldn't fetch it--asked M.P.--he said if we'd tell him the address he'd show us--tried to recollect it--couldn't exactly make it out, but said at a venture, corner of Maiden Lane and Canal street--officer indignant--we finally found the place, tried to come up still so as to surprise you, but I am willing to admit that attempt to be a partial failure; we reached the door at last; it wouldn't open--Peter called it Sebastopol, and proposed that we should storm it--we resolved ourselves into an attacking party of two, called to our aid a twelve-feet plank as a battering-ram, and by hard blows persuaded the door to yield--that broken panel is a forcible example of the power of moral suasion.
"When I remark that, judging from my present sensations, I should imagine a six-horse-power threshing-machine to be in the height of successful operation in my head, immediately over my eyes, there are perhaps some sympathizing persons in the room, who have experienced the same delicious sensation, and can therefore 'phancy my pheelinks.'"
The members of the club expressed themselves eminently satisfied with Mr. Cake's statement of his experience, and the Higholdboy requested that Mr. Cake should inscribe in the records the said experience, in order that it might not be lost to future generations. Mr. Cake promised to do so.
Mr. Spout, being seized with a fit of liberality, ordered punches for the company, and two of the same kind for Johnny Cake, which Johnny indignantly refused, saying that, if before his recent experience in wholesale dissipation, he had disliked alcoholic beverages, such were his feelings now, that the dislike amounted to an abhorrence. Mr. Spout said it was all right, as in such case he should drink them all himself.
Mr. Dropper remarked that some two or three years previously, when he first arrived from Cincinnati, and before he had became fully posted up in the various phases of unwhipped rascality in New York, he had, on one occasion, owing to his ignorance, got into the station-house.
A general sentiment as expressed was, that Mr. Dropper should state the history of the circumstance, or be immediately expelled from the club, and kicked down stairs, minus his coat, hat, and boots.
Mr. Dropper said that he found it impossible to resist the gentle persuasions of his companions.
"Fellow quadrupeds," said he, "soon after my arrival in this mass meeting of bricks and mortar, I read in a morning paper the announcement of an extraordinary gift enterprise, which some benevolent and philanthropic individual had set on foot, with the view of making everybody, in general, and himself, in particular, rich. I thought of the subject for several days. The idea of securing a farm of three hundred acres in New Jersey, all in first-rate condition, with houses, barns, and fences ready-made, at the moderate cost of a dollar, was rather agreeable than otherwise, and the more I reflected upon the matter, the more I became satisfied that such a bargain was a consummation most devoutly to be wished for. One night I went to bed thinking of the farm. Finally I fell asleep, and
'Sleeping I dreamed, love,
Dreamed love of'----
seeing six cats, each with two tails, and each tail eight feet long, and afterwards a seventh cat with a bob-tail. When I awoke in the morning, I attempted to interpret my dream, and I readily found a meaning. I put the figures together in the order above--that is to say, six cats, two tails, eight feet long, one cat bob-tail, which latter, I thought, was equivalent to a nought, and I had the following result: 62810. I concluded that this was the lucky number which was to get the farm. I posted off immediately to the office of the gift enterprise, and called for number 62810, and laid down my dollar. The dollar was accepted, and the ticket was handed me, done up in an envelope. I was confident of having the title deeds to the premises given me as soon as the drawing should take place, and as that event was set down for the next week, and there was no time to be lost, I contracted for thirty-two head of cattle, and all the necessary farming utensils, in order to be ready to commence a life of ease and luxury, at the earliest practicable moment, after the said real estate should come into my possession. I also advertised for two stout farm-hands, to assist me in following the prospective agricultural pursuits. I had some three hundred and sixty-eight answers. I finally engaged two athletic Irishmen, who were recommended by their late employer as being excellent farm-hands, and who, in addition, possessed this virtue, that, when drunk, they were satisfied to abuse one another, and never their employer.
"The day of the drawing at last came, and I went to the office to get my deed, for I never doubted a single instant that I had drawn the big prize. I entered the office, and told the clerk that I would take the documents.
"'What documents?' said he.
"'Why, my deed of the magnificent country mansion and farm in New Jersey, with three hundred acres of land, and a house with all the modern improvements.'
"Gentlemen, I have been, in the course of my life, kicked by a horse, knocked into a cocked hat by a threshing-machine, and had my hair singed off by chain-lightning, but neither one of these occurrences so astounded me as did that red-haired clerk, when he informed me that my ticket had drawn a gold pen, with a silver holder, and a place in the top to put pencil-leads in.
"Gentlemen, I was not furious, I was perfectly cool; but when I jumped over that counter, and laid hands on that red-haired clerk, I will admit that it was my calmly-settled intention to eat that red-haired clerk for luncheon, notwithstanding his cock-eye. A hasty glance at the mud on his boots, and the metal buttons on his coat-tails, caused me to alter my original amiable intention, and I made up my mind to be gentle with him, and merely whip him so his mother wouldn't be able to tell him from a Little Neck clam on a large scale, and then leave him to live through it if he could.
"I struck him once, and he laid down in a corner among some bottles, with his head in the gas-meter, and in one minute from that time he was one universal damage.
"The proprietor being done for, I proceeded to demolish the establishment; I didn't leave, of the chairs, tables, and desks, a piece big enough to make a bird-cage, and having turned on all the gas, I was seriously debating whether I should not set the whole shop on fire, and sue for the insurance, when the two Irishmen, whom I had engaged to work my farm, made their appearance. I told them to clear out, to budge, move on, leave, but they evidently took me for a swindler, and were bound to pay me off. They pitched into me; our amiable struggle to put each other's eyes out attracted a crowd; the muss became general; everybody went in, and before the policemen came there was considerable music. Nobody was bashful, and the result was four interesting cases of black eye, a pathetic instance of demolished nose, two lovely examples of swelled head, an agreeable specimen of peeled shin, seven illustrations of the beautifying power of finger-nails, when forcibly applied to the physiognomy, and three convincing exemplifications of the power of the Irish fist in extracting opposing teeth, without the aid of forceps or turnkey. The police came at last, and arrested the entire multitude. That night we slept in the station-house. I don't want to say anything against the bunks in that station-house, but this I do say, that if there ever is a bed-bug convention, and that station-house is not well represented, it won't be because any lack of population deprives them of the right to a strong delegation; and if, at any national mass meeting of fleas, they stand in need of ten or fifteen thousand to make up a quorum, the station-house of that ward can supply them, without any perceptible decrease of its entomological census.
"In the morning we were conducted before the Justice, but as there were about forty cases to be heard before mine, I had ample leisure to look about, and take a realizing sense of the beauties of my situation. The case of myself and others was at length reached. The officers swore to the muss, as if the numerous broken heads were not sufficient evidence that there had been a difference of opinion. One of the Irishmen became a volunteer liar in his own behalf, but the Justice recognized him as an old customer, often brought up for drunkenness, and knowing him to be a reliable liar, he placed his evidence all to my credit, and discharged me without even a fine, but with the assurance that if I came there again he would 'send me up.' Not wanting to make any such equivocal ascension as a matter of experiment, I have kept away from him, and cut up all my subsequent monkey-shines in another ward, which is out of his jurisdiction."
After Mr. Dropper closed, there was a brief silence, in which each member quietly smoked his pipe, apparently reflecting upon the morals of lotteries. At last Wagstaff inquired who won the farm.
"I forgot that," resumed Dropper. "I learned from an advertisement which appeared in the daily journals, that ticket number 6281 drew the farm. This number, you will observe, corresponds with the one I supposed would be the lucky one, except that in mine a nought was annexed to the four figures, making it 62810, instead of 6281. My mistake grew out of a misinterpretation of my dream, in respect to the bob-tailed cat, I having assumed that the diminutive nether extremity, in this instance, was equivalent to a nought expressed, whereas, if I had let it remain a nought understood, and had acted accordingly, I should have been the lucky man."
"Not so lucky as you imagine," remarked Quackenbush, "for the facts of that matter I am somewhat familiar with. A country fiddler, living up in Connecticut, held the ticket which entitled the holder to the real estate aforesaid. He saw the advertisement, and I being the only acquaintance he had in the city, he wrote to me to secure the deeds, as he couldn't raise the money to come down. I called at the office of the managers of the enterprise, and presented the ticket. They said it was all right; congratulated me on the luck of my friend, and told me to call a week from that time, and they would be prepared to execute the deed. This I thought was very fair, and I left the office. On the appointed day I called, and found the office closed, as the managers had sloped."
The conversation then turned upon Police Courts, and the facilities which they afforded in aiding a person to get glimpses of the elephant. It was conceded that the experience of Dropper, just related, opened very fair, and, on the suggestion of Mr. Quackenbush, it was resolved:
1. That the members of the club do make it their business
2. To visit the Police Courts
3. Before the next meeting of the club.
The meeting was adjourned by the club, singing, "We're all jolly good fellows."
