The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 4 – Lemon · Verses Across
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The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 4The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 4)
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 4
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 4)
LemonEnglish
DV.--THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.
A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, saying, "There, I give you the scabbard back again."
DVI.--TOUCHING.
WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like a father."--"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you like a child."
DVII.--THE COLLEGE BELL!
AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each gentleman should toast his favorite Belle. When it came to the turn of Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the quorum) to be called on for the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave, "The College Bell!" Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri!
DVIII.--FRENCH LANGUAGE.
WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of a language which has but one word for liking and loving, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:--J'aime Julie; J'aime un gigot!"
DIX.--EPIGRAM.
(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)
HE says he don't think of himself,
And I'm to believe him inclined;
For by the confession, the elf
Admits that he's out of his mind.
DX.--CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.
A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"--"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell."--"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?"--"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tom off!"
DXI.--ANTICIPATION.
LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ----" "O, my goodness!--he killed the child!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord, the calf; but you will always anticipate."
DXII.--THE BEST JUDGE.
A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--
"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."--"No, I think not," replied the husband.
"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them ought to know."
DXIII.--THE RIVALS.
A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs. The dramatis personæ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la guérirai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle, I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]
DXIV.--DEAD LANGUAGE.
AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, feu Lord Maire de Londres," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having translated the word "late" into "feu," which we need hardly state means "dead."
DXV.--WALPOLIANA.
SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy to Sir Matthew Decker, as the author of St. Matthew's Gospel.
Churchill (General C----, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me, too?"--"No, Charles," replied he, "you break fast enough of yourself!" Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?
Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity, Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his company; that he never heard so much heathenish talk in his days. Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said before him, that the soul was only a little glue.
DXVI.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.
A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next Sunday."--"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ----, what became of you? we expected you to preach to-day."--"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my preaching to-day."--"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you from preaching."
DXVII.--EPIGRAM.
(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)
THEY say his wit's refined! Thus is explained
The seeming mystery--his wit is strained.
DXVIII.--A NICE DISTINCTION.
"WHAT is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a form, but you stand upon ceremony."
DXIX.--LATE DINNER.
SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow."
DXX.--AN OLD JOKE.
AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver--
"You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."
"Alas!" cried the Fair on his left--"to what use?
For you never saw either served up with a goose!"
DXXI.--TIME WORKS WONDERS.
A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, "Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"--"Yes, sir."--"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how you have grown!"
DXXII.--A NOVEL IDEA.
"MORROW'S Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the piety of certain ladies here. They go to Day for a sermon and to Morrow for a novel!"
DXXIII.--THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.
A MAN was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the pleader referred in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a name by describing it as "an initial."--"Yes," retorted the judge, "but it does not aver that it is not a final as well as an initial letter."
DXXIV.--LOSING AN I.
A MAN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much impropriety; and at last saying the word curosity, a counsellor exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"--"Nay," returned another, "he has only knocked an I out."
DXXV.--DRIVING IT HOME.
THE late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed, and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't into me, and ye're just duntin't out o' me."
DXXVI.--THE EMPTY GUN.
AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
"Don't cock your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.
"Fear not--his head's not charged," a friend replies.
DXXVII.--A PIECE OF PLATE.
A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect: "Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your acceptance of a small piece of plate." It was, beyond all question, a very small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!
DXXVIII.--EPISCOPAL SAUCE.
AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host, "Mr. ----!" There was silence. "Mr. ----, what is the proper female companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an answer came, "Anne Chovy."
DXXIX.--A GOOD CRITIC.
A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have a master very difficult to please?"--"Who?"--"Myself."
DXXX.--WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.
WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied, with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of mine; the fellow was a Wilkite, which your Majesty knows I never was."
DXXXI.--A SLIGHT ERUPTION.
A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"--"What has happened, man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken out."--"Where? where?"--"In the Isle of Man."--"In the Isle of Man," repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"
DXXXII.--SMOKING AN M.P.
AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on tobacco, somewhat ludicrously called for certain returns.
DXXXIII.--A TIMELY REPROOF.
A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of to-day I never heard before."--"O, my lord!" said the flattered chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said anything new on the subject."--"I heard the clock strike twice," said Lord Mulgrave.
DXXXIV.--REPROOF.
"I CAN'T find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to work for it."
DXXXV.--A SATISFACTORY REASON.
MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony. "You are a builder, I believe?"--"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an architect!"--"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they are much the same, I suppose?"--"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit that: I consider them to be totally different!"--"O, indeed! perhaps you will state wherein this great difference consists?"--"An architect, sir, prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the specifications,--in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,--the architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it going!"--"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"--"There was no architect, sir, and hence the confusion!"
DXXXVI.--THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.
A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage,
In a long tête-à-tête with his dame,
While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,
About giving their villa a name.
A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,
Stole out, half an hour after dark,
Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,
And wrote on the palings,--"Hide Park!"
DXXXVII.--AN ABSENT MAN.
A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O, my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not missed."
DXXXVIII.--A DOUBLE KNOCK.
ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish government will not be able to stand many more such Knocks Down as this!"
DXXXIX.--A PROPER RETORT.
A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool as he looks."--"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great difference between me and my friend."
DXL.--FORAGING.
DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it was said to be part of the stage directions,--"Enter the Red Coat: Exeunt Hat and Cloak."
DXLI.--ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.
AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,
He happened to tread on a very small pig:
"Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,
For surely thou art an abridgment of Bacon."
DXLII.--UNKIND.
"PRAY, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of discretion."
DXLIII.--DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.
THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, Non rapui sed recepi ["I did not steal it, but I received it"]. This being shown to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The receiver is as bad as the thief."
DXLIV.--EPIGRAM.
(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).
IF really ---- do but loathe
Things base or mean, I must confess
I'd very freely take my oath,
Self-love's a fault he don't possess.
DXLV.--ELOQUENT SILENCE.
"YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ----," said Maule to a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ----, I use no epithet, it is iteration;" his look implying the anathema.
DXLVI.--KEEPING A PROMISE.
THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:
"Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;
I know thy fortune is but very scant,
But never will I see my friend in want."
Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;
He kept his word,--in want he ne'er would see him!
DXLVII.--NAVAL ORATORY.
WHEN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men signed a round robin, wherein they declared that they would not fire a gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil himself will not be able to keep you from it." The men all returned to their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten times over.
DXLVIII.--VERSE AND WORSE.
AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At length the wittiest among them thus ended the contest:--
"Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
Excuse me, if I just step home;
Two lines already!--be not cru'l,
Consider, honeys,--I'm a fool.
There's four lines!--now I'll gain the fowls,
With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."
DXLIX.--THE IRON DUKE.
IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a sovereign, which he probably would have done had he at the time refused to take no change. The Reform Bill was under consideration.
DL.--CLEAR THE COURT.
AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye blackguards that isn't lawyers, must lave the coort."
DLI--SCOTCH CAUTION.
AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I hae been a gude wife to you, John."--"O, just middling, just middling, Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow."--"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly, "we'll just pit you in the Gorbals first, and gin ye dinna lie quiet, we'll try you sine in Stra'von."
DLII.--WALPOLIANA.
SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days, he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no other nation would stand beating for two days together."
Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost; he asked whether the copy had been taken before the original was lost, or after!
This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an oyster speak as well twenty times."
DLIII.--NOT POLITE.
MR. P----, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want of head, by demanding a poll.
DLIV.--EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.
A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was drunk when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such a thing when he was drunk, what might he not have done when he was sober?" evidently implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful one, was a condition of intoxication.
DLV.--ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.
THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life,
The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.
DLVI.--CONFIDENCE.
THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him:--
"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"
Jerrold.--"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."
DLVII.--LADY ANNE.
AT Portsmouth, during the representation of Richard the Third, on Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here," Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they were battle-axes (basilisks) to strike thee dead."
DLVIII.--NICE LANGUAGE.
A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing bowels?"--"Yes, sir."--"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"--"Yes, sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it a wren's stomach?"
DLIX.--UNPOETICAL REPLY.
A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, "Wet, ma'am,--very wet."
DLX.--IMITATION OF A COW.
MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr. Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would confine myself to the cow."
DLXI.--TAKING HIS MEASURE.
A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"--"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for we aye think the selvidge is the wakest bit o' the wab!"
DLXII.--THURLOW AND PITT.
WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he draws, but he has not refused his oats yet."
DLXIII.--EPIGRAM.
(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to excessive gout.)
IN asserting that Z. is with villany rife,
I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;
Since two members attached to his person through life,
Have, on recent occasions, refused to support him.
DLXIV.--A HAPPY MAN.
LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing!"--"I envy you your happiness, my lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the merriest life of any man in Europe."
DLXV.--VULGAR ARGUMENTS.
AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table, and roared at his adversary:--
"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"
The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:--
"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"
Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung the bell, and shouted:--
"Waiter, spittoons for two!"
DLXVI.--A CLEAR CASE.
MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries. Ex. gr. "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law, there is some evidence upon that point; but he's a lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by some evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be some evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. ---- means in this case." Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?
DLXVII.--THE LATIN FOR COLD.
A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends."
DLXVIII.--PIECE DE RESISTANCE.
"DO come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."--"O my dear fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very same I should have had at home, barrin' the beef."
DLXIX.--LAMB AND ERSKINE.
COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."--"No wonder," replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a lamb grows, the more sheepish he becomes."
DLXX.--TRUE WIT.
TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone
Dug from Golconda's mine;
Which boasts two various powers in one,
To cut as well as shine.
Genius, like that, if polished right,
With the same gifts abounds;
Appears at once both keen and bright,
And sparkles while it wounds.
DLXXI.--ORDER! ORDER!
A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any order you like--alphabetical order."
DLXXII.--THEATRICAL WIT.
HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and particularly in the part of Jack Junk, was one night at Gosport, performing the character of Barbarossa. In the scene where the tyrant makes love to Zapphira, and reminds her of his services against the enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy of tragedy--
"Did not I,
By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,
And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,
Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders
From Egypt's shores?"
The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the actor with three rounds of applause.
DLXXIII.--THE CUT DIRECT.
A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator "how he would have it done?"--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "in silence."
DLXXIV.--BUSY BODIES.
A MASTER of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, sir."--"What are you doing?"--"Nothing, sir."--"Is Tom there?"--"Yes," said Tom. "What are you doing?"--"Helping Will, sir."
DLXXV.--THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.
WHEN the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to hear the representative of Young Marlow play it as an Irishman. As soon as Marlow came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir," replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in which you instructed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong a brogue."
DLXXVI.--THE FORCE OF HABIT.
A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W. Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How will you have it?" replied, "Cold, without sugar."
DLXXVII.--NOTICE TO QUIT.
AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"
Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound. "Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift their quarters."
DLXXVIII.--A LITERAL JOKE.
LORD ELDON always pronounced the word lien as though it were lyon; and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word lean. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram:--
"Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,
By saying the Chancellor's lion is lean?
D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,
That nothing within it will ever get fat?"
DLXXIX.--AN ARGUMENT.
SAYS P--l--s, "Why the Bishops are
By nature meant the soil to share,
I'll quickly make you understand;
For can we not deduct with ease,
That nature has designed the seas
Expressly to divide the land?"
DLXXX.--THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend into the patient's stomach with a candle and lantern, when he ascended he would not be able to name the complaint."
DLXXXI.--ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.
KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying, "Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life."--"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen Frenchmen now in my power."--"But of all these heads," replied the nobleman, "there may not be one to fit my shoulders."
DLXXXII.--KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.
THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, saying, "He could not afford to keep a conscience."
DLXXXIII.--DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.
A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds, for whom I have no affection, and they may waste their time as they please."
DLXXXIV.--PORTMANTEAU v. TRUNK.
SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm. "Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it did every bit as well."
DLXXXV.--SEEING A CORONATION.
A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner, indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this tête-à-tête the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have your wish." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.
DLXXXVI.--HOOK'S POLITENESS.
HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow to the flowers."
DLXXXVII.--ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.
UPON its lofty column's stand
Napoleon takes his place:
His back still turned upon that land
That never saw his face.
DLXXXVIII.--OLD TIMES.
A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile, replied, "Look among the robberies."
DLXXXIX.--AN ARCADIAN.
A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this was called work, and well paid!"
DXC.--JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.
IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank, his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see, madam, wherever you go there are no seats to be got."
DXCI.--ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.
"WE row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we do row in the same boat, but with very different skulls."
DXCII.--A GENUINE IRISH BULL.
SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater."
DXCIII.--THE RULING PASSION.
IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket, doctor?" groaned out poor George.
DXCIV.--EPIGRAM.
(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)
LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day,
Which is to me a mystery profound;
He leaves the circuit! he, of whom they say,
That he delights in constant turning round.
DXCV.--SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.
DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's comedy, Measure for Measure!"
DXCVI.--DEGENERACY.
THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their ain feet."
DXCVII.--WORTHY OF CREDIT.
A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."--"Please your honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the credit I give in that way."
DXCVIII.--PAYING IN KIND.
A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed, as I have some like them in my yard."--"That's very likely," said the farmer; "these are not the only ducks of the same sort I've had stolen lately."
DXCIX.--VERY SERIOUS.
A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling, neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by mistake, taken some of my OWN PILLS."
DC.--THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.
MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters, "Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip Thicknesse, father of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and the board was removed.
DCI.--DELICATE HINT.
QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters, says, "My better half, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."
DCII.--A SCOTCH MEDIUM.
AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been 'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."--"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy, with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a smell o' speerits amang us this mornin'!"
DCIII.--EPIGRAM.
A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime;
Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
The watch kept time; and if time will away,
I see no reason why the watch should stay.
You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;
Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.
Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.
DCIV.--PERFECT DISCONTENT.
AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."
DCV.--A BAD BARGAIN.
A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I should be in your debt for the remainder; how can that be if I pay it?"
DCVI.--A PIOUS MINISTER.
IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of one of the commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do no manner of work.
DCVII.--STERNE.
SOME person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne; "but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not deal in scruples."
DCVIII.--WHO'S THE FOOL?
MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in illustration of a case, told the following anecdote:--
Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he, moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied, "Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who will never come back."--"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"--"Then I shall erase your name and insert theirs."
DCIX.--COLD COMFORT.
A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O, tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."
DCX.--A GREAT DIFFERENCE.
"THE friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided into two very distinct classes,--the a-bility and the no-bility."
DCXI.--OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.
KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called Ignoramus, an ingenious thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one Sleep made him wake, and in Oxford one Wake made him sleep.
DCXII.--INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.
GREAT Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,
And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
"She died of milk and water on the brain."
DCXIII.--STRANGE JETSUM.
A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was wrecked hereabout somewhere."
DCXIV.--THE TRUTH AT LAST.
A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at Wit."
DCXV.--A PILL GRATIS.
A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance, said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."--"Very likely," remarked his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to employ you in that capacity?"
DCXVI.--RATHER HARD.
WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have found it hard to have been assailed with his own constituents.
DCXVII.--SCOTCH PENETRATION.
AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my ain groats in ither folk's kail?"
DCXVIII.--A QUESTION OF TIME.
WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will excuse me this fault, I promise, if I live, to mend it."
DCXIX.--EPIGRAM.
(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)
---- ----'S discourses from his heart
Proceed, as everybody owns;
And thus they prove the poet's art,
Who says that "sermons are in stones."
DCXX.--CONCURRENT EVENTS.
A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that he had lost all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time, sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I lost all my large estate in Yorkshire."
DCXXI.--A GOOD EXCUSE.
AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had taken all the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.
DCXXII.--SHORT AND SHARP.
"WHY, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not see you before."
"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among six copper pennies,--not easily perceived, but worth the whole of them."
DCXXIII.--IRELAND'S FORGERY.
SAYS Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"
Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The Lie of the Day!"
"Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we act the same;
But to cozen the town we adopt a new name;
For that Vortigern's Shakespeare's we some of us say,
Which you very well know is a lie of the day."
DCXXIV.--A GOOD ONE.
LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"--"I never heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.
DCXXV.--"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."
A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to ignore a bill. "Write Ignoramus for self and fellows on the back of it," said Curran.
DCXXVI.--A WORD TO THE WISE.
DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr. Wharton, then at Winchester school:--
If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,
That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.
DCXXVII.--LIBERAL GIFT.
A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me something?"--"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I give you the hint?"
DCXXVIII.--EASILY ANSWERED.
A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.
DCXXIX.--ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.
WHEN Dido mourned, Æneas would not come,
She wept in silence, and was Di-Do-Dumb.
DCXXX.--DODGING A CREDITOR.
A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said Sheridan. "Do you think so?"--"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted round the corner, and was out of sight in a moment.
DCXXXI.--BAD HABIT.
SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion literatim. Sir Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting behind him, jocularly whispered, "and be whipped at the cart's tail."--"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.
DCXXXII.--WHO'S TO BLAME.
KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir, whose fault is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.
DCXXXIII.--THE LETTER H.
SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be bothered a little, and his only vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,--a portly, overdressed person,--and Scarlett took him in hand.
Q. Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?
A. Yes.
Q. You are a stock-broker?
A. I ham!
Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And a very fine, well-dressed ham you are, sir?"
The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the witness, and the counsel's point was gained.
DCXXXIV.--TRUTH AND RHYME.
IN the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow (who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton) had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said to Barrow,--
"Quid est fides?" (What is faith?)
"Quod non vides" (What thou dost not see),
answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,--
"Quid est spes?" (What is hope?)
"Magna res" (A great thing),
replied the young candidate in the same breath.
"Quid est charitas?" (What is charity?)
was the next question.
"Magna raritas" (A great rarity),
was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he believed his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow, Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to examine us than we him." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.
DCXXXV.--A GOOD TRANSLATION.
"PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:
Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."
Thus translated--
"There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain: Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."
DCXXXVI.--MAD QUAKERS.
A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any other mad person of the same degree in life.
DCXXXVII.--BACON.
A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve. To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be Bacon till he had first been hung."
DCXXXVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.
SAID vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,
Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."
Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,
For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."
DCXXXIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.
JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the shutters before there is something in the window."
DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.
JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l., as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe, "here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My lord, here are two men who have such great scruples of conscience, that I fear they'll hang themselves."--"Very well," said the bishop; so, calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow morning, and I will satisfy you." The men bowed, and went away pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of conscience?"--"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have no scruples. We are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines, for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.
DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.
SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no periods to their works."
DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.
LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax, in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said, "Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not let me linger; I see you have not faggots enough." This good-humored speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.
DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.
THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.
DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.
PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a loss for something to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another, without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only a-liquid!" answered Porson.
DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.
THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street, Strand, where he resided:--
J.S.--"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,
And ten dark coal barges are moored:
Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
For there's craft in the river, and craft in the
street."
Sir G.R.--"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,
From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?
For the attorneys are just at the top of the street,
And the barges are just at the bottom."
DCXLVI.--A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.
JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied, "and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,--'When this you see, remember me.'"
DCXLVII.--A NEW DISGUISE.
THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On a masquerade night, he asked Foote what new character he should go in. "Go sober!" said Foote.
DCXLVIII.--WET AND DRY.
DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr. Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be dry eneuch when ye get into the pu'pit."
DCXLIX.--RUM AND WATER.
A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society, being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond of rum; for if I tak' mair than six tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me a headache."
DCL.--A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.
PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if by common consent, is the following:--
Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an Irish Member of Parliament, to his friend in London.
MY DEAR SIR,--
Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the dreadful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood-thirsty rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little; we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face, but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed, we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns, except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water, and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my ideas.
I have only time to add that I am in great haste.
Yours truly,
---- ----.
P.S.--If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried, therefore I beg you will write to let me know.
DCLI.--IMPROMPTU.
(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall of Sparta.")
SO great thy art, that while we viewed,
Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,
We caught the Spartan fortitude,
And saw their woes without a tear!
DCLII.--WILKES AND A LIBERTY.
SO ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door, "Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.
DCLIII.--A STRANGE OBJECTION.
A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert. "Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my wine in pills!"
DCLIV.--THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.
IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant, doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon us!--D.J.
DCLV.--MAKING A CLEARANCE.
AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the bowl to be introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a toast, "The trade of Glasgow and the outward bound;" the hint was taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.
DCLVI.--A SMART ONE-POUNDER.
WHILE the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre, in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of Polly, expressed a wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher; to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must sing, 'The Miser thus a Guinea sees.'"
DCLVII.--RESIGNATION.
AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it," heaved a deep sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more, Sempronius,--we'll do without it."
DCLVIII.--DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.
DELPINI had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre Delpini, I must go to your papa's bench."
DCLIX.--A PHONETIC JOKE.
A LITTLE girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c., having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating him to Zeidlitz powders.
DCLX.--PURE FOLKS.
VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 5
