The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 5 – Lemon · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 5The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 5)
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 5
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 5)
LemonEnglish
DCLXI.--GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.
WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the following piece of intelligence: "Yarn has risen one farthing a pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.--G. a'B.
DCLXII.--JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.
WESTMACOTT, of the Age paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice done him, a person present remarked, "That has been done already." A similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.
DCLXIII.--KITCHENER AND COLMAN.
THE most celebrated wits and bon vivants of the day graced the dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, inter alia, the late George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment, "Come at seven, go it at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret was punished accordingly.
DCLXIV.--A SPARE MAN.
JERROLD said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without the head or the point."
DCLXV.--A LONG BILL.
WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It should have been Woodcock, by the length of your bill!"
DCLXVI.--ROYAL PUN.
WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit, his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at the main, Admiral! white at the main!"
DCLXVII.--A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.
TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as like as two peas."--"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as green."
DCLXVIII.--SPRANGER BARRY.
THIS celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of Romeo, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of the public by performing Romeo himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when Juliet in soliloquy exclaims, "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" an auditor archly replied, aloud, "Because Barry has gone to the other house."
DCLXIX.--BAD SPORT.
MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you Fox hunting, or Hare hunting this morning?"
DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.
THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog shall mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it As you like it?"--"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is Measure for Measure."
DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.
JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see that, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just mentioned; "and now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"--"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.
DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.
SEVERAL publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into our barrels that I know of, but the exciseman's stick."
DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRÆTEREA NIHIL.
"I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"
Said a punster perusing a trial;
"I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
He's been Vaux et præterea nihil."
DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.
A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb remarked that they must have been very sharp set.
DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.
DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor, are you not a justice of the peace?"--"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the house of correction."
DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.
AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,
Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,
In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus,
Who said, "To be sure there's no likeness between us;
Yet to show a celestial to kindness so prone is,
Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis."
Liston woke in a fright, and cried, "Heaven preserve me!
If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll starve me!"
DCLXXVII.--A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.
A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when speaking of a chimney on fire: "Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it poured forth volumes of smoke! Volumes, did I say? Whole encyclopædias!" Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two mandami.
DCLXXVIII.--A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.
DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. "Do you remember my Baroness in Ask no Questions?" said Mr. S. "Yes, indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck by your barrenness," was the retort.
DCLXXIX.--LOVE AND HYMEN.
HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.
DCLXXX.--PAR NOBILE FRATRUM.
A FORMER laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request with much eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles, without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy chiel'll no tell muckle that you and I said till him."
DCLXXXI.--PLAIN LANGUAGE.
MR. JOHN CLERK, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;" upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain common sense, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll ken."
DCLXXXII.--A SETTLER.
A FARMER, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he put a poser--"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"--"Why that, sir," stammered out Lamb, "will depend upon the boiled legs of mutton."
DCLXXXIII.--CASH PAYMENTS.
PETERSON the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said, "Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it be as like two shillings as you can."
DCLXXXIV.--LAWYER'S HOUSE.
THE lawyer's house, if I have rightly read,
Is built upon the fool or madman's head.
DCLXXXV.--A REASONABLE DEMAND.
COLONEL B---- was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into it, a friend, who was stepping into his chariot, called out to him, "B----, I go by your door, and will set you down." B---- gave the chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head, and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"--"But consider the fright your honor put us into," replied Pat,--"consider the fright!"
DCLXXXVI.--EBENEZER ADAMS.
THIS celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So friend, I see that thou hast not yet forgiven God Almighty." This seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and went about her necessary business and avocations.
DCLXXXVII.--ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.
A YOUNG fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she, "thee must not do it."--"O, by Jove! but I must," said the youth. "Well, friend, as thee hast sworn, thee may do it, but thee must not make a practice of it."
DCLXXXVIII.--A FIG FOR THE GROCER!
WHEN Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St. Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man, addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life."--"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to be off!"
DCLXXXIX.--STEAM-BOAT RACING.
SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following advice from a friend: "When you are racing with an opposition steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time, especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat, and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives an answer in the affirmative, he will call out 'Go ahead!'"
DCXC.--GENTLY, JEMMY.
SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy." Once on terra-firma, the doctor's view of the case was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk back."
DCXCI.--WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?
LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'Worth makes the man, the want of it the fellow.'"
DCXCII.--QUIET THEFT.
A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a mute.
DCXCIII.--GOOD ADVICE.
A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college) being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?" After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the owner to sell as soon as possible."
DCXCIV.--CRITICISING A STATUE.
SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so large a man."--"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so green."
DCXCV.--A COMPARISON.
DURING the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:--
"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"--"I saw a stone, and I'ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it."
"Was it a large stone?"--"I should say it wur a largish stone."
"What was its size?"--"I should say a sizeable stone."
"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"--"I should say it wur a stone of some bigness."
"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"--"Why, as near as I recollect, it wur something of a stone."
"Can't you compare it to some other object?"--"Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump o' chalk!"
DCXCVI.--FATIGUE DUTY.
A CERTAIN reverend gentleman in the country was complaining to another that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other, "I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it."
DCXCVII.--GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.
STEPHEN KEMBLE (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose, Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which of us two do you think they will eat first?"--"Those that are gluttons," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of me, but the epicures will attack you!"
DCXCVIII.--A BAD END.
IT was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own watery bier."
DCXCIX.--ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS), WHICH SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."
THIS name's the best that could be given,
As will by proof be quickly seen;
For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"
She was, of course, the raining Queen.
DCC.--ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.
IN one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this matter is evident--they never considered the temper of the people they had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and therefore my administration has been attended with a different effect."
"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand, and up starts a patriot."
DCCI.--BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."
WHEN Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and accost him with "Have you read my book?"--"Yes, ---- you!" replied Lord Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not help myself."
DCCII.--VERY LIKE A WHALE.
THE first of all the royal infant males
Should take the title of the Prince of Wales;
Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,
Babies and whales are both inclined to blubber.
DCCIII.--A NEW SIGN.
A DRUNKEN fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign was. He answered, that it was a sign he was drunk.
DCCIV.--FALSE QUANTITIES.
A YOUNG man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.
DCCV.--NOT TRUE.
A LADY was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr. ----, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well," replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is more likely to make a good husband."
DCCVI.--BETTING.
THE folly of betting is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters: "Sept. 1st, 1750,--They have put in the papers a good story made at White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said it would affect the fairness of the bet."
DCCVII.--FIRE AND WATER.
PADDY being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of attempting to light a cigar at a pump."
DCCVIII.--THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.
THOUGH a railroad, learned Rector,
Passes near your parish spire;
Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture
E'er will overwhelmed expire.
Put not then your hopes in weepers,
Solid work my road secures;
Preach whate'er you will--my sleepers
Never will awaken yours.
These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the last ever written by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented author,--James Smith.
DCCIX.--THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.
COLERIDGE once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed, "Them's the jockeys for me!"
DCCX.--EQUALITY.
A HIGHWAYMAN and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same time at Tyburn,--the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I won't keep off; I have as much right to be here as you!"
DCCXI.--A CANDID COUNSEL.
AN Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned, replied, "I am concerned for the plaintiff, but I'm retained by the defendant."
DCCXII.--TRADE AGAINST LAND.
WHEN the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would spend £50,000 rather than he should come in. Whitbread, with true English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would pay for that.
DCCXIII.--TRUE EVIDENCE.
A JEW called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the opposing counsel thus examined him: "What is your name?"--"Jacob."--"What are you?"--"General dealer."--"Do you keep a shop?"--"No."--"How then do you dispose of your goods?"--"To the best advantage, my good fellow."
DCCXIV.--DR. YOUNG.
DR. YOUNG was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go, one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in vain, he bowed, laid his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:--
"Thus Adam looked, when from the garden driven,
And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.
Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;
Like him I go, for angels drove us both.
Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind;
His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."
DCCXV.--A YANKEE YARN.
MR. DICKENS tells an American story of a young lady, who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?"--"Take the dry one." And the young lady did, and married him.
DCCXVI.--SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.
THE old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his parishioners with whom he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld sermon, for the minister had preached it no' sax months syne."
DCCXVII.--LOVE OF THE SEA.
LOVE the sea? I dote upon it,--from the beach.--D.J.
DCCXVIII.--UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.
A POMPOUS parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. "Do you know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are better fed than taught, I think, sir."--"Whew, may be it is so, measter, for you teaches me, but I feeds myself."
DCCXIX.--COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.
AN American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family plate,--the fetters and handcuffs!
DCCXX.--A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.
A POOR youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be capped? Are they not fellows?"
DCCXXI.--A MEDICAL OPINION.
AN unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation, which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son. "O, father, father, do not let them tap you," screamed the boy, in an agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"--"Why, my dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall live long in health to make you happy."--"No, father, no, you will not: there never was anything tapped in our house that lasted longer than a week."
DCCXXII.--THE CAUSE.
LISETTE has lost her wanton wiles--
What secret care consumes her youth,
And circumscribes her smiles?
A speck on a front tooth.
DCCXXIII.--WHAT'S GOING ON?
A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what is going on to-day?"
Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"
DCCXXIV.--SNORING.
A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he received the following polite note: "Deacon ---- is requested not to commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the text."
DCCXXV.--TWO MAKE A PAIR.
SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III., the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse: "Here is to be seen the fork belonging to the knife with which Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."
DCCXXVI.--ALMANAC-MAKERS.
TWO women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an almanac-maker; for thou liest every day and all the year long."
DCCXXVII.--A BLACK JOKE.
A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"--"Black as ever," was the reply.
DCCXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.
"HE that will never look upon an ass,
Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."
DCCXXIX.--EXAGGERATION.
A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."--"I don't see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it running."
DCCXXX.--WINNING A LOSS.
A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money, made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat the company."--"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and treat the company."
DCCXXXI.--ADVICE GRATIS.
ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of law than of fact, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, for nothing, what you would not give him under two guineas."
DCCXXXII.--SHORT COMMONS.
AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: "Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family."
CCXXXIII.--LICENSED TO KILL.
WHEN an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick, Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every day, and why may not I?"--"Because," replied the satirist, "you are not qualified to kill game, and I am."
CXXXIV.--WILKES AND LIBERTY.
WHEN Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his abuse of the Royal family among you?"--"I do not at present know," replied he, dryly, "but I am trying."
DCCXXXV.--A PAT REPLY.
LORD J. RUSSELL endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the Rolls, I care nothing for your butter."
DCCXXXVI.--LORD NORTH ASLEEP.
HIS Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark, he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived. Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a century or two more?"
DCCXXXVII.--RATHER SAUCY.
"YOU had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.
"I asked for what I thought you had the most of," was the cutting reply.
DCCXXXVIII.--LONG STORY.
A LOQUACIOUS lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had begun to describe its progress from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to finish by the time he returned.
DCCXXXIX.--EUCLID REFUTED.
(A part is not equal to the whole.--Axiom.)
THIS is a vulgar error, as I'll prove,
Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;
'Tis plain one sixteenth part of Brougham's sense,
Equals the whole possessed by L--d--d--y.
DCCXL.--BRED ON THE BOARDS.
WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion, had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's V----, he was bred on these boards!"--"He looks as though he'd been cut out of them," replied Jerrold.
DCCXLI.--ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.
NO wonder the debate fell dead
'Neath such a constant fire of lead.
DCCXLII.--PAINTING.
A NOBLEMAN who was a great amateur painter showed one of his performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you want nothing but poverty to become a very excellent painter."
DCCXLIII.--OLD AGE.
A VERY old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then intervals of gayety: some person observed, "he resembles an old castle which is sometimes visited by spirits."
DCCXLIV.--AN EFFORT OF MEMORY.
"WOULD you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."--"His memory is evidently not so good as yours," replied B.
DCCXLV.--A READY RECKONER.
A MAN entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when demand of payment was made for the whiskey.
"Sure, and haven't I given ye the loaf for the whiskey?"
"Well, but you did not pay for the loaf, you know."
"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I didn't take the loaf, man alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a brown study.
DCCXLVI.--A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.
MR. HAWKINS, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham, and this word he pronounced, according to its orthography, Brough-am.
"If my learned friend will adopt the usual designation, and call the carriage a Bro'am, it will save the time of the court," said Lord Campbell, with a smile.
Mr. Hawkins bowed and accepted his Lordship's pronunciation of the word during the remainder of his speech. When Lord Campbell proceeded to sum up the evidence, he had to refer to the Omnibus which had damaged the Bro'am, and in doing so pronounced the word also, according to its orthography. "I beg your Lordship's pardon," said Mr. Hawkins, very respectfully; "but if your Lordship will use the common designation for such a vehicle, and call it a 'Buss--" The loud laughter which ensued, and in which his Lordship joined, prevented the conclusion of the sentence.
DCCXLVII.--TRUE POLITENESS.
SIR W.G., when governor of Williamsburg, returned the salute of a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you descend to salute a slave?"--"Why, yes," replied the governor; "I cannot suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in good manners."
DCCXLVIII.--A RAKE'S ECONOMY.
WITH cards and dice, and dress and friends,
My savings are complete;
I light the candle at both ends,
And thus make both ends meet.
DCCXLIX.--EASILY SATISFIED.
A COWARDLY fellow having spoken impertinently to a gentleman, received a violent box of the ear. He demanded whether that was meant in earnest. "Yes, sir," replied the other, without hesitation. The coward turned away, saying, "I am glad of it, sir, for I do not like such jests."
DCCL.--PERT.
MACKLIN was once annoyed at Foote laughing and talking just as the former was about to begin a lecture. "Well, sir, you seem to be very merry there; but do you know what I am going to say now?" asked Macklin. "No, sir," said Foote, "pray, do you?"
DCCLI.--A ROYAL MUFF.
THE following anecdote was told with great glee at a dinner by William IV., then Duke of Clarence: "I was riding in the Park the other day, on the road between Teddington and Hampton-wick, when I was overtaken by a butcher's boy, on horseback, with a tray of meat under his arm.--'Nice pony that of yours, old gentleman,' said he.--'Pretty fair,' was my reply.--'Mine's a good 'un too,' rejoined he; 'and I'll trot you to Hampton-wick for a pot o' beer.' I declined the match; and the butcher's boy, as he stuck his single spur into his horse's side, exclaimed, with a look of contempt, 'I thought you were only a muff!'"
DCCLII.--A BROAD HINT.
AN eminent barrister having a case sent to him for an opinion--the case being outrageously preposterous--replied, in answer to the question, "Would an action lie?"--"Yes, if the witnesses would lie too, but not otherwise."
DCCLIII.--A TASTE OF MARRIAGE.
A GENTLEMAN described to Jerrold the bride of a mutual friend. "Why, he is six foot high, and she is the shortest woman I ever saw. What taste, eh?"
"Ay," Jerrold replied, "and only a taste!"
DCCLIV.--"THE LAST WAR."
MR. PITT, speaking in the House of Commons of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in which we lost the colonies, called it "the last war." Several members cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after, repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last war but one,--the last war but one."--"I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt, turning to the speaker, and raising his sonorous voice,--"I mean, sir, the last war that Britons would wish to remember." Whereupon the cry was instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud.
DCCLV.--THE PHILANTHROPIST.
JERROLD hated the cant of philanthropy, and writhed whenever he was called a philanthropist in print. On one occasion, when he found himself so described, he exclaimed, "Zounds, it tempts a man to kill a child, to get rid of the reputation."
DCCLVI.--TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING.
ENGLISH tourists in Ireland soon discover that the length of Irish miles constantly recurs to their observation; eleven Irish miles being equal to about fourteen English. A stranger one day complained of the barbarous condition of the road in a particular district; "True," said a native, "but if the quality of it be rather infairior, we give good measure of it, anyhow."
DCCLVII--BAD COMPANY.
AT the time that the bubble schemes were flourishing, in 1825, Mr. Abernethy met some friends who had risked large sums of money in one of those fraudulent speculations; they informed him that they were going to partake of a most sumptuous dinner, the expenses of which would be defrayed by the company. "If I am not very much deceived," replied he, "you will have nothing but bubble and squeak in a short time."
DCCLVIII.--EPIGRAM.
(On the King's double dealing.)
OF such a paradox as this,
Before I never dreamt;
The King of England has become,
A subject of contempt!!!
DCCLIX.--PAINTING.
A GENTLEMAN seeing a fine painting representing a man playing on the lute, paid this high compliment to the artist. "When I look on that painting I think myself deaf."
DCCLX.--NIL NISI, ETC.
A GENTLEMAN calling for beer at another gentleman's table, finding it very bad, declined drinking it. "What!" said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer?"--"It is not to be found fault with," answered the other; "for one should never speak ill of the dead."
DCCLXI.--ODD FORESIGHT.
LADY MARGARET HERBERT asked somebody for a pretty pattern for a nightcap. "Well," said the person, "what signifies the pattern of a nightcap?"--"O! child," said she, "you know, in case of fire!"
DCCLXII.--"THEREBY HANGS," ETC.
A CERTAIN Irish judge, called the Hanging Judge, and who had never been known to shed a tear except when Macheath, in the "Beggar's Opera," got his reprieve, once said to Curran, "Pray, Mr. Curran, is that hung beef beside you? If it is, I will try it."--"If you try it, my lord," replied Curran, "it's sure to be hung."
DCCLXIII.--GENERAL WOLFE.
GENERAL WOLFE invited a Scotch officer to dine with him; the same day he was also invited by some brother officers. "You must excuse me," said he to them; "I am already engaged to Wolfe." A smart young ensign observed, he might as well have expressed himself with more respect, and said General Wolfe. "Sir," said the Scotch officer, with great promptitude, "we never say General Alexander, or General Cæsar." Wolfe, who was within hearing, by a low bow to the Scotch officer, acknowledged the pleasure he felt at the high compliment.
DCCLXIV.--A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.
AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,
Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,
"I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver;
"Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."
Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears:
As a bridge it can only be tried by its piers."
DCCLXV.--A NOISE FOR NOTHING.
WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the plates?"--"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"--"Not one!" exclaimed Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise for nothing!"
DCCLXVI.--SHORT MEASURE.
SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag wrote underneath, "Two-thirds of the truth."
DCCLXVII.--DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.
THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your wine-cellar into your book-seller."
DCCLXVIII.--A DILEMMA.
WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now, beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly, those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too loud, I shall wake the chief man in the parish."
DCCLXIX.--HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.
A BROW austere, a circumspective eye,
A frequent shrug of the os humeri,
A nod significant, a stately gait,
A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,
A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,--
Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:
Then rest assured that those of little sense
Will deem you, sure, a man of consequence.
DCCLXX.--A CHEAP WATCH.
A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing than its original cost."--"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on the head for it, and if you repair it, I will give you two."
DCCLXXI.--SCOTCH WUT.
A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it, and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."--"Did ye," said John; "wull ye haud my horse, sir?"--"Certainly," said the laird, and away rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back, nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad ha' wondered if ye had, for it's ten years sin' I saw him gang in there."
DCCLXXII.--ATTENDING TO A WISH.
"I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying as little as I can!" was the calm reply.
DCCLXXIII.--A MECHANICAL SURGEON.
A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no surgeon,--a carpenter! a carpenter!"
DCCLXXIV.--CANINE POETRY.
A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:--
"This collar don't belong to you, sir,
Pass on--or you may have one too, sir."
The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon whose collar was inscribed:--
"I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"
DCCLXXV.--FOOTIANA.
FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at Cork. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many drawings of it."
DCCLXXVI.--NIGHT AND MORNING.
AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat anything during the night!"
DCCLXXVII.--FULL INSIDE.
CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in and politely asked, "All full inside?"--"I don't know how it may be, sir, with the other passengers," answered Lamb, "but that last piece of oyster-pie did the business for me."
DCCLXXVIII.--A SHORT JOURNEY.
AN old clergyman one Sunday, at the close of the sermon, gave notice to the congregation that in the course of the week he expected to go on a mission to the heathen. One of his parishioners, in great agitation, exclaimed, "Why, my dear sir, you have never told us one word of this before; what shall we do?"--"O, brother," said the parson, "I don't expect to go out of this town."
DCCLXXIX.--A POSER BY LORD ELLENBOROUGH.
DURING the Chief-Justiceship of the late Lord Ellenborough there was a horse-cause, to which a certain Privy Councillor was a party, and who, as of right, took his seat upon the bench at the hearing, and there (while his adversary's counsel told his tale) ventured a whisper of remark to the Chief Justice. "If you again address me, Sir W----, I shall give you in custody of the Marshal." It was a settler for him, and, as it turned out, of his cause; for he lost it, and most justly too.
DCCLXXX.--EPIGRAM.
CRIES Sylvia to a Reverend Dean,
"What reason can be given,
Since marriage is a holy thing,
That there are none in Heaven?"
"There are no women," he replied.
She quick returns the jest,--
"Women there are, but I'm afraid
They cannot find a priest."
DCCLXXXI.--AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.
WHEN Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of hostility to the Church Establishment?"
DCCLXXXII.--VALUE OF APPLAUSE.
SOME one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors, as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us breath."
DCCLXXXIII.--LITTLE TO GIVE.
A STINGY husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own way."--"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's all I have to give them."
DCCLXXXIV.--A GOOD SWIMMER.
A FOOLISH scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at swimming, vowed that he would never enter the water again until he was a complete master of the art.
[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]
DCCLXXXV.--NO PRIDE.
A DENIZEN of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his friends, lifting up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, supposing I'm a deacon, mind, I can be spoken to at ony time."
DCCLXXXVI.--LORD CLONMEL.
THE late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a good one. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. Is this a good shilling? Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"
DCCLXXXVII.--QUEER PARTNERS.
JERROLD, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live! there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.
DCCLXXXVIII.--CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.
CHARLES THE SECOND once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all turned thieves."--"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."--"Mivert!" exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."--"Therefore he cannot be corrupted, your majesty," answered Sidney.
DCCLXXXIX.--EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.
ST. PAUL has declared that, when persons, though twain, Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain. But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing, Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring, St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone, And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."
DCCXC.--GOOD AUTHORITY.
HORNE TOOKE, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr. Tooke, you will have all the blackguards with you to-day."--"I am delighted to hear it, sir, and from such good authority."
DCCXCI.--LUXURIOUS SMOKING.
"THE most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the proper taste restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of its wants.'"
DCCXCII.--NO JUDGE.
A CERTAIN Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere toss-up." "But heads seldom win," observed a learned barrister, sitting behind him.
DCCXCIII.--RELATIONS OF MANKIND.
BY what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.--S.S.
DCCXCIV.--VERY TRUE.
SERJEANT MAYNARD, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law an "ars bablativa."
DCCXCV.--EPIGRAM.
(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)
THE Whigs, because they rat and change
To Toryism, all must spurn;
Yet in the fact there's nothing strange,
That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.
DCCXCVI.--DRINKING ALONE.
THE author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle does come round so often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, "No--not quite that--I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira."
DCCXCVII.--A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.
THE Rev. Mr. B----, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the spoils into the sound-holes of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a quantity of gunpowder into B----'s instrument. The tea equipage being removed, music became the order of the evening, and B---- dashed away at Vanhall's 47th. B---- came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed, and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place--fit fragor, and bang went the fiddle to pieces.
DCCXCVIII.--READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.
WHEN the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:--
"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads together, and there is the wood pavement."
This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.
DCCXCIX.--PROPER DISTINCTION.
AN undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain D.D., then master of the college adjoining. He had not been there many minutes, when Dr. ---- entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ----. "That," replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. ---- is a gentleman, and you are a blackguard!"
DCCC.--GRACEFUL EXCUSE.
WILLIAM IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of the service?"--"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has done its duty once, and is ready to do it again."
DCCCI.--SLACK PAYMENT.
EXAMINING a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, "Did he not give you the coals, friend?"--"He did, sir, but--"--"But what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment slack?"
DCCCII.--WAY OF USING BOOKS.
STERNE used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to serve them as some people do lords, learn their titles and then brag of their acquaintance."
DCCCIII.--PATRICK HENRY.
WHEN Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Cæsar had his Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George III...."--"Treason!" cried the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "may profit by their example. If this be treason, make the most of it."
DCCCIV.--ROGERS--POET AND SKIPPER.
ROGERS used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new publications must often do as the flea does--skip.
DCCCV.--OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS.
"IF an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just to celebrate the event."
DCCCVI.--EPIGRAM.
WHEN by a jury one is tried,
Twelve of his equals are implied;
Then W---- might attempt in vain,
This sacred privilege to obtain.
Since human nature ne'er on earth
Gave to twelve equal scoundrels birth.
DCCCVII.--REFORMATION.
JUDGE BURNET, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said he, "what are you ruminating on?"--"A greater work than your lordship's History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said the Bishop. "The reformation of myself, my lord," answered the son.
DCCCVIII.--THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.
LORD CHESTERFIELD placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is admirable.
Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father had been a footman: Here lies the last who died before the first of his family! Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore, who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur, I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"
The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the clan must have come!
DCCCIX.--EQUAL TO NOTHING.
ON being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're equal to it!"
DCCCX.--FAMILIARITY.
A WAITER named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said, "Sam, this may be very well between you and me, but it will not do with the Norfolks and Arundels."
DCCCXI.--EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.
AT Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little warm ale!"
DCCCXII.--MAC READY TO CALL.
IN the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house Almack's, "For," said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call Mac, you will have a head popped out of every window."
DCCCXIII.--EPIGRAM.
(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)
OF miracles this is sans doute the most rare,
I ever perceived, heard reported, or read;
A man with abundance of scents in his hair,
Without the least atom of sense in his head.
DCCCXIV.--LOOK-A-HEAD.
A TORY member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the state of the poll.
G. A'B.
DCCCXV.--THE BIRTH OF A PRINCE.
JERROLD was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.
DCCCXVI.--SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.
TOM MOORE, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a personage."--"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"--"Yes: she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in your celebrated 'Almanac' for the last five or six years!"
DCCCXVII.--BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.
MRS. FOOTE, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."--Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."
DCCCXVIII.--MAN-TRAPS.
IT being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in very large letters, the following: "Tondapamubomenos set up in these grounds." It was perfectly a "patent safety."
DCCCXIX.--A COLORABLE EXCUSE.
A LADY who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you uncover your face."
DCCCXX.--CONSISTENCY.
NO wonder Tory landlords flout
"Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain
With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
Must go against the grain.
DCCCXXI.--A WONDERFUL CURE.
DOCTOR HILL, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "broke his leg, and applied to me for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with the celebrated tar-water. Almost immediately the sailor felt the beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg was completely healed!" The letter was read, and discussed at the meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country practitioner:--"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of the sailor was a wooden leg!"
DCCCXXII.--AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN.
"IS there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to take away all that."
DCCCXXIII.--CHOICE SPIRITS.
AN eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale which was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin.
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 6
