The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 6 – Lemon · Verses Across
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The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 6The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 6)
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 6
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 6)
LemonEnglish
DCCCXXIV.--AN EXPLANATION.
YOUNG, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field to bury strangers in."
DCCCXXV.--IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.
LORD ERSKINE having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail, Sheridan at once presented her these lines,--
Lord Erskine at woman presuming to rail,
Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"
And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,
Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.
But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,
A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;
And should dirt its original purity hide,
'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.
DCCCXXVI.--LAW AND PHYSIC.
A LEARNED judge being asked the difference between law and equity courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you are not so easily disposed of. One is prussic acid, and the other laudanum."
DCCCXXVII.--IMPROMPTU.
COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) BUSHE, being on one occasion asked which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The prompter, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least of him."
DCCCXXVIII.--NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS.
"WERE I but a king," said a country boy, "I would eat my fill of fat bacon, and swing upon a gate all day long."
DCCCXXIX.--A FORGETFUL MAN.
WHEN Jack was poor, the lad was frank and free.
Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;
No wonder that he don't remember me;
Why so? you see he has forgot himself.
DCCCXXX.--REPUTATION.
REPUTATION is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.
DCCCXXXI.--AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.
IT was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't master her, so he missed her."
DCCCXXXII.--EPIGRAM.
THE jolly members of a toping club
Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;
And in a close confederacy link
For nothing else, but only to hold drink.
DCCCXXXIII.--A BAD LOT.
THE household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased, was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty, considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few causes, and therefore could not have many effects."
DCCCXXXIV.--FILIAL AFFECTION.
TWO ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call her a thief before she calls you one."
DCCCXXXV.--LEG WIT.
ONE night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up, Erskine?"--"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"--"His legs," answered the wit.
DCCCXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.
"THIS morning, quite dead, Tom was found in his bed,
Although he was hearty last night;
'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,
The poor fellow died of affright."
DCCCXXXVII.--A SINECURE.
ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work; and his friends, who called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a sinecure is: it's a place where there's nothing to do, and they pay you by the piece."
DCCCXXXVIII.--A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.
BROTHER DAVID DEWAR was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to the man, for I understand he preached a kirk toom (empty) already, and if he be as successful in the jail, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as weel."
DCCCXXXIX.--WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?
THE manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts, and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of, "Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"--"Sir," replied the prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will he return do you think?"--"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."--"Then let business proceed," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.
DCCCXL.--KNOWING BEST.
"I WISH, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me in."--"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better for you that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."
DCCCXLI.--AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.
THE late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mother. "Giving on 'em milk," was the prompt reply.
DCCCXLII.--PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.
IN the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost nonchalance he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly observed, "that it was the dirtiest house he had ever been in in his life."
DCCCXLIII.--A STOP WATCH.
A GENTLEMAN missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of a friend who had introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality.
DCCCXLIV.--SIR ANTHONY MALONE.
LORD MANSFIELD used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself, that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year. Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with it, which was regularly charged to him by the clerk. Sir Anthony then went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and never after that was possessed of a bad title.
DCCCXLV.--THE ORATORS.
TO wonder now at Balaam's ass, is weak;
Is there a day that asses do not speak?
DCCCXLVI.--MODERN ACTING.
JERROLD was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,
Jerrold.--"Cardinal Wolsey!--Linsey Wolsey!"
DCCCXLVII.--FEW FRIENDS.
A NOBLEMAN, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck one tin-penny out of your coach, and I'll answer it will trait all your friends in Athlone."
DCCCXLVIII.--DIFFIDENCE.
AN Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have heard the evidence?"
DCCCXLIX.--"ESSAY ON MAN."
AT ten, a child; at twenty, wild;
At thirty, tame, if ever;
At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
At sixty, good, or never!
DCCCL.--IN-DOOR RELIEF.
A MELTING sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a-weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O no, I belong to another parish."
DCCCLI.--HIGHLAND POLITENESS.
SIR WALTER SCOTT had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two proprietors which had amused him much. The laird of Kilspindie had met the laird of Tannachy-Tulloch, and the following compliments passed between them: "Ye're maist obedient hummil servant, Tannachy-Tulloch." To which the reply was, "Your nain man, Kilspindie."
DCCCLII.--AN ODD QUESTION.
COUNSELOR RUDD, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where you buy all your dirty shirts."
DCCCLIII.--NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.
FOOTE went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B----, when, the weather being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B---- pressed him to stay. "No, no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me have a leg to stand on; for there is so little wood in your house, that I am afraid one of your servants may light the fire with my right leg," which was his wooden one.
DCCCLIV.--NATURAL GRIEF.
ONE hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears."--"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without paying."
DCCCLV.--A PROVERB REVERSED.
EXAMPLE is better than precept they say,
With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;
For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches,
We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.
DCCCLVI.--A CLOSE ESCAPE.
ONE of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war, along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death, as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots, without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed, "I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"--"Why, I remember saying to him, when they left us, 'D---- it, old fellow, never mind!'" But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose, and the Captain was permitted to escape.
DCCCLVII.--A HARD HIT.
MAJOR B----, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I have lost an eye."--"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray at what game?"
DCCCLVIII.--THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.
SOME one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you mention his spit?" said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing turns upon that." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and Passion week in the parlor."
DCCCLIX.--MONEY'S WORTH.
A SOLDIER, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to sell my life as dearly as possible."
DCCCLX.--HIS WAY--OUT.
SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely rude, "Sir, it is my way."--"Then," returned his indignant patient, pointing to the door, "I beg you will make that your way!"
DCCCLXI.--A GROWL.
HE that's married once may be
Pardoned his infirmity.
He that marries twice is mad:
But, if you can find a fool
Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,--
Flog him, flog him back to school.
DCCCLXII.--A MODERN SCULPTOR.
BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of him,--he's a sculptor."--"Such a fellow as that a sculptor! surely you must be mistaken."--"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know that he chiselled a tailor--out of a suit of clothes last week."
DCCCLXIII.--A DIFFICULT TASK.
"YOU have only yourself to please," said a married friend to an old bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a difficult task I find it."
DCCCLXIV.--THE GOUTY SHOE.
JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the pleasure-grounds:--
"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"
"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they are all out now."
"Well, and what then?"
"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off being shown over the improvements."
DCCCLXV.--A LUSUS NATURÆ.
AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid, "save the insinuation that some girls are over twenty-one years of age."
DCCCLXVI.--A CASE OF NECESSITY.
A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you selling off?"--"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't they?"--"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"--"To be sure; would you have me keep open on Sunday!"
DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.
IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for their generosity, and the love of their species. The collection happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their specie.
DCCCLXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON.
WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had fifty who deserved hanging.
DCCCLXIX.--THE POET FOILED.
TO win the maid the poet tries,
And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,
She likes a verse, but, cruel whim,
She still appears a-verse to him.
DCCCLXX.--A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.
A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his "trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much self-complacency,--"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "The lawyers got that!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.
DCCCLXXI.--VICE VERSA.
IT is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt. This cannot be; for instead of contracting it at all, bad Ministers have most materially extended it.
DCCCLXXII.--NOTHING PERSONAL.
AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M----, who was more celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny lasses!"--"With all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M----, "for it neither applies to you nor me."
DCCCLXXIII.--A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.
MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one more."
DCCCLXXIV.--A MISTAKE.
OLD Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking. "Some puny things," he said, "have died of learning to drink, but no man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.
DCCCLXXV.--AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.
THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why, sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness."--"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated the astonished doctor, "I never saw any ye had to renounce!"
DCCCLXXVI.--THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.
AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,--
"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that very elderly lady!"
"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.
DCCCLXXVII.--A PROUD HEART.
MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with the new coal-sacks?"--"Made pillows on 'em," replied the son. "Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take th' ould ones?"
DCCCLXXVIII.--SENT HOME FREE.
A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX," concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent home gratis in a wheelbarrow, if required."
DCCCLXXIX.--CHARLES II. AND MILTON.
CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."--"If Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with blindness, what must have been the crimes of your father which it punished with death!"
DCCCLXXX.--WHOSE?
SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon an empty stomach."--"Upon whose?" said he.
DCCCLXXXI.--"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."
IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of capping. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were freshmen, and did not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship. "Only eight days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop, "puppies never see till they are nine days old."
DCCCLXXXII.--EPIGRAM.
(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)
"THE independence of the Lords is gone,"
Says W----, to truth for once inclined;
And to believe his lordship I am prone,
Seeing that he himself is left behind.
DCCCLXXXIII.--CONFIDENCE--TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.
ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness. "I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces."--"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "you are always certain of success. Your pieces have all been tried before."
DCCCLXXXIV.--BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.
A WELL-KNOWN borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know you."--"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for those who do, will not lend me a farthing."
DCCCLXXXV.--WILL AND THE WAY.
AT a provincial Law Society's dinner the president called upon the senior attorney to give as a toast the person whom he considered the best friend of the profession. "Certainly," was the response. "The man who makes his own will."
DCCCLXXXVI.--A REASONABLE EXCUSE.
A PERSON lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend, "your acquaintances find it is much more easy to retain the books themselves, than what is contained in them."
DCCCLXXXVII.--BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.
WHEN the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were I Duke of Northumberland, perhaps I could be."
DCCCLXXXVIII.--SUMMARY DECISION.
MR. BROUGHAM, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded that the dogs should fight."--"Then I," replied the Judge, "am minded to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.
DCCCLXXXIX.--A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.
TO all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me, and beg to subscribe" (here the reader had to turn over leaf) "Myself, your very obedient servant," etc.
DCCCXC.--HABEAS CORPUS ACT.
BISHOP BURNET relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on with this misreckoning of ten; so it was reported to the House, and declared that they who were for the bill were the majority, and by this means the bill passed."
DCCCXCI.--A RUNAWAY KNOCK.
DOUGLAS JERROLD describing a very dangerous illness from which he had just recovered, said--"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door, I can assure you."
DCCCXCII.--COMMON POLITENESS.
TWO gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he left his name at my door in the morning."
DCCCXCIII.--THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.
JEKYLL saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah! poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the Home Circuit."
DCCCXCIV.--A SOPORIFIC.
A SPENDTHRIFT being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular use he could have for a single pillow?"--"Why," said Foote, "I do not sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good nap, when the proprietor of it (though he owed so much) could sleep upon it."
DCCCXCV.--CHARITABLE WIT.
WIT in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he is sorry for her; I am truly sorry--I am sorry five pounds. How much art thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he felt very much, indeed, for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy pocket?" inquired the "Friend."
DCCCXCVI.--USE IS SECOND NATURE.
A TAILOR that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he, "it is to keep my hands in use, lest at any time I should forget it."
DCCCXCVII.--EPIGRAM.
(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)
HASTE son of Celsus, P--rc--v--l is ill;
Dissect an ass before you try your skill.
DCCCXCVIII.--LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.
USE brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally to clinch the roots.
DCCCXCIX.--AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.
THE Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?" inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist not to make it like you, so they won't know it."
CM.--THE REBEL LORDS.
AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"
Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off? "Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."
Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but à la tête tranchée." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop his handkerchief for the signal.
CMI.--A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.
"HOW are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.
"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you," replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever else you will, you will be a gainer by the bargain."
CMII.--THE DIRECT ROAD.
WALKING to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "Keep on as you are, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to overtake them."
CMIII.--A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.
JERROLD was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,--a jovial spendthrift.
"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do you think of my grays?"
"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your duns!"
CMIV.--DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.
WHEN Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she is a prodigiously fine woman."--"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by art?"--"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage art does not adorn her: nature adorns her there, and art glorifies her."
CMV.--A GOOD NEIGHBOR.
THE Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather," said he, "have friends than hares."
CMVI.--AN EQUIVOCATION.
A DIMINUTIVE attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"--"No, sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were little Else."
CMVII.--A WISE FOOL.
A PERSON wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety of opinions were entertained,--some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed,--knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the wee ane," he says, giving as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller, laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller has aye a gey fat sou."--"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller. "Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's expense she's fed."
CMVIII.--ON A BALD HEAD.
MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see;
I first cut him, he now cuts me.
CMIX.--LIE FOR LIE.
TWO gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back, and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much of you."--"So you may, madam," said he, "and lie as I did."
CMX.--A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.
GENERAL LEE one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation."--"Why, general?"--"Because," replied Lee, "you are in love with yourself, and you have not a rival upon earth."
CMXI.--ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.
YOUR comedy I've read, my friend,
And like the half you've pilfered best;
But, sure, the Drama you might mend;
Take courage, man, and steal the rest!
CMXII.--GARRICK AND FOOTE.
"THE Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all, you are glad to take up with one of my farces."--"Why, yes, David," rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator for this hot weather."
CMXIII.--NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.
WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said the wit; "a joke in your mouth is no laughing matter!"
CMXIV.--QUITE AGROUND.
IT is said that poor H---- T---- has been living on his wits. He certainly must be content with very limited premises.
CMXV.--A JUDGE IN A FOG.
ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a life-interest in the estate to himself."--"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case I rather think your lordship takes the will for the deed."
CMXVI.--THE LETTER H.
IN a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was the former; adding that, if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him, by making him ill (Hill without H) all the days of his life.
CMXVII.--ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.
SHERIDAN was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give. Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared up."--"Just a little, ma'am--enough for one, but not enough for two."
CMXVIII.--"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."
CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been practising all night."
CMXIX.--EPIGRAM.
(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B----, M.P.)
IF it's true a newly made M.P.
Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,
As the said landlord certainly alleges,
No more will Radicals and Whigs divide
Upon one point, which thus we may decide,
"Some members are too much disposed for pledges."
CMXX.--CUP AND SAUCER.
A GENTLEMAN, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so," said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state of his saucers."
CMXXI.--A NEW READING.
KEMBLE playing Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"--"My lord, I cannot."--"I pray you."--"Believe me, I cannot."--"I do beseech you."--"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can"; and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he played "God save the king!"
CMXXII.--CONCEITED, BUT NOT SEATED.
SEVERAL ex-members are announced as about to stand at the ensuing elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them, for there are very few who can reasonably expect to sit.--G. A'B.
CMXXIII.--STRANGE VESPERS.
A MAN who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a living?"--"No."--"How does he employ himself?"--"He says mass in the morning."--"And in the evening?"--"In the evening he don't know what he says."
CMXXIV.--A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.
SIR B---- R----, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it would change the barren hills into fruitful valleys."
CMXXV.--AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.
THE Duke of C--mb--l--d has taken from this country a thing which not one person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean his departure.--G. A'B.
CMXXVI.--ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.
A CERTAIN lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near the vertebra?"--"No, no," said the other; "it was near the racecourse."
CMXXVII.--SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.
WHEN Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the room, and returned with the beautiful lines:--
"No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung;
Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.
Majestic silence," &c.
CMXXVIII.--THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.
MANY anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney. During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed, does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell into a brown study, in which she remained for some time. At length, however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig! whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she added, "You should ha' ax'd for Ould Blackbird!"
CMXXIX.--A POSER.
FOOTE was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"--"You have not tried me yet, sir," said Foote.
CMXXX.--MINDING HIS CUE.
MR. ELLISTON was enacting the part of Richmond; and having, during the evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was personating Lord Stanley (for the safety of whose son Richmond is naturally anxious), THUS, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:--
Elliston (as Richmond). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?
Powell (as Lord Stanley). He is, my Lord, and safe in Leicester town!
Elliston (as Richmond). I mean--ah!--is he missing?
Powell (as Lord Stanley). He is, my Lord, and safe in Leicester town!!
And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at that particular moment, have been put to him.
CMXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
(On a little member's versatility.)
WHY little Neddy ---- yearns
To rat, there is a reason strong,
He needs be everything by turns,
Who is by nature nothing long.
CMXXXII.--LATE AND EARLY.
THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very late to the office."--"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must remember that I go away early." The oddness of the excuse silenced the reprover.
CMXXXIII.--FAIR PLAY.
CURRAN, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first fire."--"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any advantage, you shall chalk my size upon your body, and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing."
CMXXXIV.--SOMETHING LACKING.
HOOK was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "WARREN'S B----," was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis lacking that should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.
CMXXXV.--THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.
FROM a wife of small fortune, but yet very proud,
Who values herself on her family's blood:
Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,
Libera me!
From living i' th' parish that has an old kirk,
Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,
And keep a poor curate to do all his work,
Libera me!
From a justice of peace who forgives no offence,
But construes the law in its most rigid sense,
And still to bind over will find some pretence,
Libera me!
From dealing with great men and taking their word,
From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,
Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,
Libera me!
From Black-coats, who never the Gospel yet taught,
From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,
From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,
Libera me!
CMXXXVI.--THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.
A LADY, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery. "John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride, cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,--"Crockery! bring down little China."
CMXXXVII.--MEN OF LETTERS.
A CORRESPONDENT, something new
Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.
The editor his letter read,
And begged he might be X.Q.Z.
CMXXXVIII.--ELEGANT RETORT.
IT is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he might resign his office to another, a great hissing was raised in disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made the following elegant retort:--
"Laudatur ab his."
CMXXXIX.--SNUG LYING.
A VISITOR at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be buried in the churchyard there, because it was so healthy.
CMXL.--A PROPER ANSWER.
A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, "What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that concern you."
CMXLI.--GOOD HEARING.
I HEARD last week, friend Edward, thou wast dead,
I'm very glad to hear it, too, cries Ned.
CMXLII.--AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.
GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said Lady G----. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship, where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"
CMXLIII.--HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.
COOKE was announced one evening to play the Stranger at the Dublin Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder hut--yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of mind. Still this was taken as the chef-d'oeuvre of fine acting, and was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling, thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people--you know the value of money--a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is lost for ever. My son, too--pardon the feelings of a parent--my only son--as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain--not many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the defence of his King!" Here his feelings became so powerful that they choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed £1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but, too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor played the part.
CMXLIV.--THE SEASON-INGS.
"COME here, Johnny, and tell me what the four seasons are." Young Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."
CMXLV.--NOT AT HOME.
A WEAVER, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded, he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation, referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye a' up an' awa?"
CMXLVI.--LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.
ON the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag, in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:--
"Happy and glorious"--
Three half-pints 'mong four of us,
Heaven send no more of us,
God save the Queen!
which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was received with a full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.
CMXLVII.--WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?
HOW wisely Nature, ordering all below,
Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow,
For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill)
Whose tongue would never let her chin be still!
CMXLVIII.--COOL RETORT.
HENDERSON, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir, was a digression: now for the argument."
CMXLIX.--LYING.
DON'T give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but, like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.--D.J.
CML.--PERTINENT INQUIRY.
A PERSON addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made him stare, "Did you never hear that before?" said the narrator. "No," says the other: "Pray, sir, did you?"
CMLI.--A POLITE REBUKE.
CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty day, waiting for the driver, said to him when at length he appeared: "If you stand here much longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be like Captain Parry's ships."--"How's that, sir?"--"Why, frozen at the pole!"
CMLII.--A CERTAIN CROP.
UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field, where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last cried out, "Saw't wi' factors, ma lord; they are sure to thrive everywhere."
CMLIII.--GOOD ADVICE.
NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.
CMLIV.--MR. THELWALL.
WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: "I am determined to plead my cause myself." Mr. Erskine wrote under it: "If you do, you'll be hanged:" to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: "I'll be hanged, then, if I do."
CMLV.--CHEAP AT THE MONEY.
A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them."
CMLVI.--A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.
A PERSON, hearing that "Time is Money," became desirous of learning how many years it would take "to pay a little debt of a hundred pounds!"
CMLVII.--A BACK-HANDED HIT.
LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is represented. "That's intended," said A'Beckett, "as a sinister insult to the members who represent that wretched country."
CMLVIII.--THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.
IF by their names we things should call,
It surely would be properer,
To term a singing piece a bawl,
A dancing piece a hopperer!
CMLIX.--A FAVORITE AIR.
ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said: "That song always carries me away when I hear it."--"Can anybody whistle it?" asked Jerrold, laughing.
CMLX.--A GOOD JOKE.
A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have a prop. "Suppose," said he, "I lean against this milestone?"--"With pleasure," replied the lawyer, "on condition that I may lean against the next." The joke settled the quarrel.
CMLXI.--ONE THING AT A TIME.
A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, "It was not hissed."--"True," said another; "no one can hiss and gape at the same time."
CMLXII.--TROPHIES.
A FRENCH nobleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many trophies of Louis the Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. "No," said Prior, "the monuments of my master's victories are to be seen everywhere but in his own house."
CMLXIII.--"BRIEF LET IT BE."
WHEN Baron Martin was at the Bar and addressing the Court of Exchequer in an insurance case, he was interrupted by Mr. Baron Alderson observing: "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your life? Remember, yours is a brief existence."
CMLXIV.--GOOD ADVICE.
A PHILOSOPHER being asked of whom he had acquired so much knowledge, replied, "Of the blind, who do not lift their feet until they have first sounded, with their stick, the ground on which they are going to tread."
CMLXV.--EXPECTORATION.
WE are terribly afraid that some Americans spit upon the floor, even when that floor is covered by good carpets. Now all claims to civilization are suspended till this secretion is otherwise disposed of. No English gentleman has spit upon the floor since the Heptarchy.--S.S.
CMLXVI.--A COAT-OF-ARMS.
A GREAT pretender to gentility
Came to a herald for his pedigree:
The herald, knowing what he was, begun
To rumble o'er his heraldry; which done,
Told him he was a gentleman of note,
And that he had a very glorious coat.
"Prithee, what is 't?" quoth he, "and take your fees."
"Sir," says the herald, "'tis two rampant trees,
One couchant; and, to give it further scope,
A ladder passant, and a pendent rope.
And, for a grace unto your blue-coat sleeves,
There is a bird i' th' crest that strangles thieves."
CMLXVII.--DR. SIMS.
A GLORIOUS bull is related, in the life of Dr. Sims, of a countryman of his, an Irishman, for whom he had prescribed an emetic, who said with great naiveté: "My dear doctor, it is of no use your giving me an emetic! I tried it twice in Dublin, and it would not stay on my stomach either time."
CMLXVIII.--MARRIAGE.
IN marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
CMLXIX.--BENEFIT OF COMPETITION.
POPE, when he first saw Garrick act, observed, "I am afraid that the young man will be spoiled, for he will have no competitor!"
CMLXX.--INDUSTRY AND PERSEVERANCE.
A SPENDTHRIFT said, "Five years ago I was not worth a farthing in the world; now see where I am through my own exertions."--"Well, where are you?" inquired a neighbor. "Why, I now owe more than a thousand pounds!"
CMLXXI.--QUANTUM SUFF.
IN former days, when roads were bad, and wheeled vehicles almost unknown, an old laird was returning from a supper party, with his lady mounted behind him on horseback. On crossing the river Urr, the old lady dropped off, but was not missed till her husband reached his door. The party who were despatched in quest of her, arrived just in time to find her remonstrating with the advancing tide, which trickled into her mouth, in these words, "No anither drap; neither het nor cauld."
CMLXXII.--LAMB AND SHARP SAUCE.
A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the Poor-Laws, "You must bear in mind, sir, that I have got rid of that sort of stuff which you poets call the 'milk of human kindness.'" Lamb looked at him steadily, and replied, "Yes, I am aware of that,--you turned it all into cheese several years ago!"
CMLXXIII.--AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA.
"ARE you guilty, or not guilty?" asked the clerk of arraigns of a prisoner the other day. "An' sure now," said Pat, "what are you put there for but to find that out?"
CMLXXIV.--ACCOMMODATING.
A MAN in a passion spoke many scurrilous words; a friend being by, said, "You speak foolishly." He answered, "It is that you may understand me."
CMLXXV.--GENEROSITY AND PRUDENCE.
FRANK, who will any friend supply,
Lent me ten guineas.--"Come," said I,
"Give me a pen, it is but fair
You take my note." Quoth he, "Hold there;
Jack! to the cash I've bid adieu;--
No need to waste my paper too."
CMLXXVI.--ODD REASON.
A CELEBRATED wit was asked why he did not marry a young lady to whom he was much attached. "I know not" he replied, "except the great regard we have for each other."
CMLXXVII.--VERY EVIDENT.
GARRICK and Rigby, once walking together in Norfolk, observed upon a board at a house by the roadside, the following strange inscription: "A GOES KOORED HEAR."--"How is it possible," said Rigby, "that such people as these can cure agues?"--"I do not know," replied Garrick, "what their prescription is,--but it is not by a spell."
CMLXXVIII.--OMINOUS, VERY!
A JOLLY good fellow had an office next to a doctor's. One day an elderly gentleman of the foggy school blundered into the wrong shop: "Dr. X---- in?"--"Don't live here," says P----, who was in full scribble over some important papers, without looking up. "Oh, I thought this was his office."--"Next door."--"Pray, sir, can you tell me, has the doctor many patients?"--"Not living!" The old gentleman was never more heard of in the vicinity.
CMLXXIX.--A REVERSE.
AN Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part of the house he occupied, answered, "If the house were turned topsy-turvy, I'd be livin' on the first flure."
CMLXXX.--ON AN M.P. WHO RECENTLY GOT HIS ELECTION AT THE SACRIFICE OF HIS POLITICAL CHARACTER.
HIS degradation is complete,
His name with loss of honor branding:
When he resolved to win his seat
He literally lost his standing.
CMLXXXI.--MUSICAL TASTE.
A LATE noble statesman, more famous for his wit than his love of music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother, the Bishop of W----, did: "Oh," replied his lordship, "if I was as deaf as my brother, I would subscribe too."
CMLXXXII.--LINGUAL INFECTION.
A FASHIONABLE Irish gentleman, driving a good deal about Cheltenham, was observed to have the not very graceful habit of lolling his tongue out as he went along. Curran, who was there, was asked what he thought could be his countryman's motive for giving the instrument of eloquence such an airing. "Oh!" said he, "he's trying to catch the English accent."
CMLXXXIII.--PORSON versus DR. JOWETT.
DR. JOWETT, who was a small man, was permitted by the head of his college to cultivate a strip of vacant ground. This gave rise to some jeux d'esprit among the wags of the University, which induced him to alter it into a plot of gravel, and Porson burst forth with the following extemporaneous lines:--
A little garden little Jowett made,
And fenced it with a little palisade;
Because this garden made a little talk,
He changed it to a little gravel walk;
And now, if more you'd know of little Jowett,
A little time, it will a little show it.
CMLXXXIV.--BREVITY OF CHARITY.
BREVITY is in writing what charity is to all other virtues. Righteousness is worth nothing without the one, nor authorship without the other.
CMLXXXV.--HIGH GAMING.
BARON N., once playing at cards, was guilty of an odd trick; on which his opponent threw him out of the window of a one-pair-of-stairs room. The baron meeting Foote complained of this usage, and asked what he should do? "Do," says the wit, "never play so high again as long as you live."
CMLXXXVI.--HARD OF DIGESTION.
QUIN had been dining, and his host expressed his regret that he could offer no more wine, as he had lost the key of his wine-cellar. While the coffee was getting ready the host showed his guest some natural curiosities, and among the rest an ostrich. "Do you know, sir, that this bird has one very remarkable property--he will swallow iron?"--"Then very likely," said Quin, "he has swallowed the key of your wine-cellar!"
CMLXXXVII.--A MONSTER.
SYDNEY SMITH said that "the Court of Chancery was like a boa-constrictor, which swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen in haste, and digested them at leisure."
CMLXXXVIII.--SAILOR'S WEDDING.
A JACK-TAR just returned from sea, determined to commit matrimony, but at the altar the parson demurred, as there was not cash enough between them to pay the fees: on which Jack, thrusting a few shillings into the sleeve of his cassock, exclaimed, "Never mind, brother, marry us as far as it will go."
CMLXXXIX.--QUID PRO QUO.
SMITH and Brown, running opposite ways round a corner, struck each other. "Oh dear!" says Smith, "how you made my head ring!"--"That's a sign it's hollow," said Brown. "Didn't yours ring?" said Smith. "No," said Brown. "That's a sign it's cracked," replied his friend.
CMXC.--THE TRUTH BY ACCIDENT.
ONE communion Sabbath, the precentor observed the noble family of ---- approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressing in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered the principal obstacle in clearing the passage, "Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of ----," and then turning to his psalm-book, took up his duty, and went on to read the line, "Nor stand in sinners' way."
CMXCI.--ENCOURAGEMENT.
A YOUNG counsel commenced his stammering speech with the remark, "The unfortunate client who appears by me--" and then he came to a full stop; beginning again, after an embarrassed pause with a repetition of the remark, "My unfortunate client--." He did not find his fluency of speech quickened by the calm raillery of the judge, who interposed, in his softest tone, "Pray go on, so far the court is quite with you."
CMXCII.--FALSE ESTIMATE.
KEAN once played Young Norval to Mrs. Siddons's Lady Randolph: after the play, as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to him, and patting him on the head, said, "You have played very well, sir, very well. It's a pity,--but there's too little of you to do anything."
Coleridge said of this "little" actor: "Kean is original; but he copies from himself. His rapid descent from the hyper-tragic to the infra-colloquial, though sometimes productive of great effect, are often unreasonable. To see him act, is like reading 'Shakespeare' by flashes of lightning. I do not think him thorough-bred gentleman enough to play Othello."
CMXCIII.--AMERICAN PENANCE.
AS for me, as soon as I hear that the last farthing is paid to the last creditor, I will appear on my knees at the bar of the Pennsylvanian Senate in the plumeopicean robe of American controversy. Each Conscript Jonathan shall trickle over me a few drops of tar, and help to decorate me with those penal plumes in which the vanquished reasoner of the transatlantic world does homage to the physical superiority of his opponents.--S.S.
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Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 7
