The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 7 – Lemon · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 7The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 7)
18
Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 7
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings (part 7)
LemonEnglish
CMXCIV.--A MONEY-LENDER.
THE best fellow in the world, sir, to get money of; for as he sends you half cash, half wine, why, if you can't take up his bill, you've always poison at hand for a remedy.--D.J.
CMXCV.--A BAD MEDIUM.
A MAN, who pretended to have seen a ghost, was asked what the ghost said to him? "How should I understand," replied the narrator, "what he said? I am not skilled in any of the dead languages."
CMXCVI.--TAKING A HINT.
THE Bishop preached: "My friends," said he,
"How sweet a thing is charity,
The choicest gem in virtue's casket!"
"It is, indeed," sighed miser B.,
"And instantly I'll go and--ask it."
CMXCVII.--SWEARING THE PEACE.
AN Irishman, swearing the peace against his three sons, thus concluded his affidavit: "And this deponent further saith, that the only one of his children who showed him any real filial affection was his youngest son Larry, for he never struck him when he was down!"
CMXCVIII.--THE RULING PASSION.
THE death of Mr. Holland, of Drury Lane Theatre, who was the son of a baker at Chiswick, had a very great effect upon the spirits of Foote, who had a very warm friendship for him. Being a legatee, as well as appointed by the will of the deceased one of his bearers, he attended the corpse to the family vault at Chiswick, and there very sincerely paid a plentiful tribute of tears to his memory. On his return to town, Harry Woodward asked him if he had not been paying the last compliment to his friend Holland? "Yes, poor fellow," says Foote, almost weeping at the same time, "I have just seen him shoved into the family oven."
CMXCIX.--A SANITARY AIR.
THE air of France! nothing to the air of England. That goes ten times as far,--it must, for it's ten times as thick.--D.J.
M.--GRAFTING.
VERY dry and pithy too was a legal opinion given to a claimant of the Annandale peerage, who, when pressing the employment of some obvious forgeries, was warned, that if he persevered, nae doot he might be a peer, but it would be a peer o' anither tree!
MI.--A SHORT CREED.
A SCEPTICAL man, conversing with Dr. Parr, observed that he would believe nothing that he did not understand. Dr. Parr, replied, "Then young man, your creed will be the shortest of any man's I know."
MII.--IN THE DARK.
A SCOTCH lady, who was discomposed by the introduction of gas, asked with much earnestness, "What's to become o' the puir whales?" deeming their interests materially affected by this superseding of their oil.
MIII.--NOT TO BE TEMPTED.
"COME down, this instant," said the boatswain to a mischievous son of Erin, who had been idling in the round-top; "come down, I say, and I'll give you a good dozen, you rascal!"--"Troth, sur, I wouldn't come down if you'd give me two dozen!"
MIV.--QUITE POETICAL.
HARRY ERSKINE made a neat remark to Walter Scott after he got his Clerkship of Session. The scheme to bestow it on him had been begun by the Tories, but (most honorably) was completed by the Whigs, and after the fall of the latter, Harry met the new Clerk, and congratulated him on his appointment, which he liked all the better, as it was a "Lay of the Last Ministry!"
MV.--CORPORATION POLITENESS.
AS a west-country mayor, with formal address,
Was making his speech to the haughty Queen Bess,
"The Spaniard," quoth he, "with inveterate spleen,
Has presumed to attack you, a poor virgin queen,
But your majesty's courage soon made it appear
That his Donship had ta'en the wrong sow by the ear."
MVI.--A COMMON WANT.
IN the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began:--
"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense--"
"Exactly," Jerrold interrupted, "that is precisely what you do want!"
The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.
MVII.--LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGH.
THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed the Cardinal, was remarkable for what is called a "comfortable assurance." Dining in a party at the University, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box, belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and bluntly remarked that "It was big enough to hold the freedom of a corporation."--"Yes, Mr. Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any freedom but yours."
MVIII.--HENRY ERSKINE.
MR. HENRY ERSKINE (brother of Lord Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being presented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and having made his bow, slipped a shilling into Boswell's hand, whispering that it was for the sight of his bear.
MIX.--EPITAPH ON A MISER.
READER, beware immoderate love of pelf,
Here lies the worst of thieves,--who robbed himself.
MX.--SMART REPLY.
SOME schoolboys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to her, "Good morning, mother of asses."--"Good morning, my child," was the reply.
MXI.--CALUMNY.
GEORGE THE THIRD once said to Sir J. Irwin, a famous bon-vivant, "They tell me, Sir John, you love a glass of wine."--"Those, sire, who have so reported me to your Majesty," answered he, bowing profoundly, "do me great injustice; they should have said,--a bottle!"
MXII.--LOVE.
THEY say love's like the measles,--all the worse when it comes late in life.--D.J.
MXIII.--ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.
A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, "My lord, you change countenance"; a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, let him!"
MXIV.--TOO FAST.
TWO travellers were robbed in a wood, and tied to trees. One of them in despair exclaimed, "O, I am undone!"--"Are you?" said the other joyfully; "then I wish you'd come and undo me."
MXV.--A REVERSE JOKE.
A SOLDIER passing through a meadow, a large mastiff ran at him, and he stabbed the dog with a bayonet. The master of the dog asked him why he had not rather struck the dog with the butt-end of his weapon? "So I should," said the soldier, "if he had run at me with his tail!"
MXVI.--A TRANSPORTING SUBJECT.
THE subject for the Chancellor's English Prize Poem, for the year 1823, was Australasia (New Holland). This happened to be the subject of conversation at a party of Johnians, when, some observing that they thought it a bad subject, one of the party remarked, "It was at least a transporting one."
MXVII.--HARD-WARE.
A FEW years ago, when Handel's L'Allegro and Il Penseroso were performed at Birmingham, the passage most admired was,--
Such notes, as warbled to the string,
Drew iron tears down Pluto's cheek.
The great manufacturers and mechanics of the place were inconceivably delighted with this idea, because they had never heard of anything in iron before that could not be made at Birmingham.
MXVIII.--PAINTING AND MEDICINE.
A PAINTER of very middling abilities turned doctor: on being questioned respecting this change, he answered, "In painting, all faults are exposed to view; but in medicine, they are buried with the patient."
MXIX.--DOGMATISM
IS pupyism come to its full growth.--D.J.
MXX.--SALAD.
TO make this condiment your poet begs
The pounded yellow of two hard boiled eggs;
Two boiled potatoes, passed through kitchen-sieve,
Smoothness and softness to the salad give;
Let onion atoms lurk within the bowl,
And, half-suspected, animate the whole.
Of mordant mustard add a single spoon,
Distrust the condiment that bites too soon;
But deem it not, thou man of herbs, a fault,
To add a double quantity of salt.
And, lastly, o'er the flavored compound toss
A magic soup-spoon of anchovy sauce.
O green and glorious!--O herbaceous treat!
'T would tempt the dying anchorite to eat;
Back to the world he'd turn his fleeting soul,
And plunge his fingers in the salad-bowl!
Serenely full, the epicure would say,
"Fate cannot harm me, I have dined to-day!"
MXXI.--ACTOR.
A MEMBER of one of the dramatic funds was complaining of being obliged to retire from the stage with an income of only one hundred and fifty pounds a year, upon which an old officer, on half-pay, said to him: "A comedian has no reason to complain, whilst a man like me, crippled with wounds, is content with half that sum."--"What!" replied the actor; "and do you reckon as nothing the honor of being able to say so?"
MXXII.--EPIGRAM.
THAT Lord ---- owes nothing, one safely may say,
For his creditors find he has nothing to pay.
MXXIII.--CANDID ON BOTH SIDES.
"I RISE for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man wants it more."
MXXIV.--CARROTS CLASSICALLY CONSIDERED.
WHY scorn red hair? The Greeks, we know
(I note it here in charity),
Had taste in beauty, and with them
The Graces were all [Greek: Charitai]!
MXXV.--DOING HOMAGE.
RETURNING from hunting one day, George III. entered affably into conversation with his wine-merchant, Mr. Carbonel, and rode with him side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. "What's that? what's that Walsingham has been saying to you?" inquired the good-humored monarch. "I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your Majesty; but your Majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited horse, so that if anything goes off we must all go off together!" The king laughed heartily at this apology.
MXXVI.--SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.
A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,--"I can furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them once to Blanco White, and before the third page--he was fast asleep!"
MXXVII.--EPIGRAM.
(On ----'s ponderous speeches.)
THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late,
The House would most willingly spare them;
For it finds they possess such remarkable weight,
That it's really a trouble to bear them.
MXXVIII.--GOOD AT A PINCH.
A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks, having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets, snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which unwillingly abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae." The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and then said, "Whaur did you get it?"--"I soupit the poupit," was John's expressive reply. The minister's accumulated superfluous Sabbath snuff now came into good use.
Swept.
MXXIX.--EPIGRAM.
(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the principles he has always professed.)
SURE in the House he'll do but little good
Who lets "I dare not, wait upon I WOOD (I would)."
MXXX.--WILKES'S READY REPLY.
LUTTREL and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But, perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"--"Why (the answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."--"How so?"--"I should merely say it was a fabrication, and they would destroy you in the twinkling of an eye!"
MXXXI.--TOO GRATEFUL.
AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish,--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"
MXXXII.--THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.
SAY, why erroneous vent your spite?
Your censure, friends, will raise us;
If you do wish to damn us quite,
Only begin to praise us!
MXXXIII.--ODD HOUSEKEEPING.
MRS. MONTGOMERY was the only--the motherless--daughter of the stern General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of housekeeper, and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the articles purchased, and their prices, she put the "cart before the horse." Her gruff papa never lectured her verbally, but wrote his remarks on the margin of the paper, and returned it for correction. One such instance was as follows: "General Campbell thinks five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for parsley." Henrietta instantly saw her mistake; but, instead of formally rectifying it, wrote against the next item,--"Miss Campbell thinks twopence-halfpenny excessively cheap for fowls"; and sent it back to her father.
MXXXIV.--TELLING ONE'S AGE.
A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every day."
MXXXV.--POT VALIANT.
PROVISIONS have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that he said he always employed his troops before their dinner had digested.
MXXXVI.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.
SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady, he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful, added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, Mare Pacificum." A curate, who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was Mare Mortuum first."
MXXXVII.--A BAD PREACHER.
A CLERGYMAN, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to hear him preach. He answered, "I am afraid of disturbing your solitude."
MXXXVIII.--ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.
SO well deserved is Rogers' fame,
That friends, who hear him most, advise
The egotist to change his name
To "Argus," with his hundred I's!
MXXXIX.--A POSER.
IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you lie on both sides, whom will you have me believe?"
MXL.--A QUIET DOSE.
A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health gratis, asked a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take advice."
MXLI.--THE DANCING PRELATES.
SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance,
The early bishops used to join the dance,
And winding, turning ----s shows us yet,
That Bishops still know how to pirouette.
MXLII.--AURICULAR CONFESSION.
A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."--"Stop; are you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.--"Yes, of one ear."--"Then you may leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear both sides."
MXLIII.--A DRY FELLOW.
"WELL, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter finishing his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but gin anybody asks if I got a dram after 't, what will I say?"
MAXILLA.--GOOD EVIDENCE.
"DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.
"Yes, your honor," was the reply.
"On what ground did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned counsel.
"In the back-yard," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.
AXLE.--EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.
POOR Peter Staggs now rests beneath this rail,
Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;
For twenty years he did the duties well,
Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.
But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs
To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.
The church clock struck one--alas! 'twas Peter's knell,
Who sighed, "I'm coming--that's the ostler's bell!"
MXLVI.--QUIN AND THE PARSON.
A WELL-BENEFICED old parson having a large company to dinner, entertained them with nothing else but the situation and profits of his parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin, being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,--"So, so, doctor, I think you do keep your glebe in your own hands with a witness!"
MXLVII.--NATURAL ANTIPATHY.
FOOTE having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked, "Why he hated that nation so much."--"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have everything keep to its native element."
MXLVIII.--NOT NECESSARY.
"YOU flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake, ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that monkey any flatter than he is!"
MXLIX.--ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.
STERNE, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The husband," said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."--"If you think so," replied Garrick, "I hope your house is insured."
ML.--CROMWELL.
ONE being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:--
"The heart of the loaf, and the head of the spring,
Is the name of the man that murdered the king."
MLI.--BILL PAID IN FULL.
AT Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker, in his robes of office. The active part he took to forward the bill to settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a scroll painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the Tower, and this circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "THIS BILL PAID IN FULL."
MLII.--WOMEN.
AT no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in all ages our friends."
A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to point out the hours, and a woman to make us forget them."
MLIII.--THE DEVIL'S OWN.
AT a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through. This being reported to Lord B----, he remarked, "that the lawyers always went through thick and thin."
MLIV.--WHIST-PLAYING.
CHARLES LAMB said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if dirt were trumps, what hands you would hold!"
MLV.--A CRUEL CASE.
POPE the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art, received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the simplicity of the intended fare--a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and eat he did, till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years' standing, and to be served in this manner!"
MLVI.--ON SHELLEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."
SHELLEY styles his new poem, "Prometheus Unbound,"
And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;
For surely an age would be spent in the finding
A reader so weak as to pay for the binding.
MLVII.--WRITING TREASON.
HORNE TOOKE, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged, replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was trying."
MLVIII.--A GRACEFUL ILLUSTRATION.
THE resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous emotions.--S.S.
MLIX.--IMPROMPTU.
On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac Sycophant.
SOME envious Scot, you say, the apple threw,
Because the character was drawn too true;
It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"
That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.
MLX.--IN THE BACKGROUND.
AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent him standing behind a tree.
MLXI.--IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.
A YOUNG lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath than marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should find a husband at the bottom."
MLXII.--THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.
A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain, wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."--"I can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,--that makes two. Now, here's the third," and he threw it overboard.
MLXIII.--THE REASON WHY.
FOOTE was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why," said he, "the first know what they want, but the latter do not."
MLXIV.--PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.
WHEN Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern."--"By all means," rejoined Garrick, "I shall ever be happy to enlighten Mr. Quin in anything."
MLXV.--BARK AND BITE.
LORD CLARE, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the rejoinder; "I really thought your lordship was employed in consultation."
MLXVI.--A PRESSING REASON.
A TAILOR sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running away?"--"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that he was."
MLXVII.--SMALL WIT.
SIR GEORGE BEAUMONT once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "which is the pudding?"
MLXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING CHAPEL.
TO fast and pray we are by Scripture taught:
Oh could I do but either as I ought!
In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,--
I pray too little, and I fast too much.
MLXIX.--MAKING PROGRESS.
A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made in the study of medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I am now able to cure a child."
MLXX.--THE WOOLSACK.
COLMAN and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has still an eye to the woolsack."
MLXXI.--SIR THOMAS COULSON.
SIR THOMAS COULSON being present with a friend at the burning of Drury Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "ingens cui lumen adeptum."
MLXXII.--THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!
WHEN the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I had I should have broken my neck for I threw it out of a two-pair-of-stairs window."
MLXXIII.--MOTHERLY REMARK.
SIR DAVID BAIRD, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper. When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed, "Heaven pity the man that's tied to my Davy!"
MLXXIV.--TOO GOOD.
A PHYSICIAN, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear sir, you deserve to be ill."
MLXXV.--A BALANCE.
"PAY me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a village attorney. "For what?"--"For the opinion you had of me."--"Faith, I never had any opinion of you in all my life."
MLXXVI.--MONEY'S WORTH.
WHILST inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that work."--"Why, no, master," was the reply, "seven shillings a week isn't sweating wages."
MLXXVII.--ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.
STRANGE is it, proud Pontefract's borough should sully
Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.
The etymological cause, I suppose, is
His breaking the bridges of so many noses.
MLXXVIII.--WRITING FOR THE STAGE.
PEOPLE would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the hero of the drama declaimed from the main-mast of a man-of-war, without once descending from his position!
A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in thirty acts. The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a week.
MLXXIX.--A COMPARISON.
"AN attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer does not deal in scruples."
MLXXX.--GAMBLING.
I NEVER by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me like the funeral bell of a whole family.--D.J.
MLXXXI.--SWEEPS.
WE feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's office!
MLXXXII.--SELF-CONCEIT.
HAIL, charming power of self-opinion!
For none are slaves in thy dominion;
Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,
The vain have only one to please.
MLXXXIII.--JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.
FORMERLY, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour. As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my Lord, I am engaged to dine at the next house--and--and----"--"And, sir, you thought you might as well save your own dinner by spoiling mine?"--"Exactly so, my Lord; but----"--"Sir, I wish you a good evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was more frightened.
MLXXXIV.--A GOOD INVESTMENT.
AN English journal lately contained the following announcement: "To be sold, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."
MLXXXV.--THE AGED YOUNG LADY.
AN old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said that she was but forty years old. A student who sat near observed, that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the last ten years.
MLXXXVI--KEEPING TIME.
A GENTLEMAN at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he should stir the fire without interrupting the music."--"Between the bars," replied the friend.
MLXXXVII.--ENTERING THE LISTS.
THE Duke of B----, who was to have been one of the knights of the Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"--"It will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your list shoes."
MLXXXVIII.--NOT IMPORTUNATE.
MRS. ROBISON (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy) having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."--"Weel, weel," said Mrs. Robison, "if ye're dead I'll no' expect ye."
MLXXXIX.--WITTY COWARD.
A FRENCH marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?"--"Pooh!" replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes behind my back."
MXC.--PRIORITY.
AN old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his young master for his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me, Maister Jeems, I hae been langer about the place than yersel'."
MXCI.--SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?
A LAIRD of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a proposal was made to erect a new churchyard wall. He met the proposition with the dry remark, "I never big dykes till the tenants complain."
MXCII.--CHARACTERISTICS.
THE late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a friend with,--"It is a very cold morning, doctor."--"I don't know that," was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with snow. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much, as many of the party did not understand it."--"And you are one of them," observed the learned bear.
MXCIII.--AN ERROR CORRECTED.
JERROLD was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his disappointment.
Friend (to Jerrold).--I hear you said ---- was the worst book I ever wrote.
Jerrold.--No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote.
MXCIV.--A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.
W----, they say, is bright! yet to discover
The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.
But hold! Extremes will meet: the marvel's over;
His very dulness is the extreme of wit.
MXCV.--BRAHAM AND KENNEY.
THE pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham say, as he entered, 'I am really proud of my pit to-night,' I went and counted it, and there were but seventeen people in it."
MXCVI.--HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.
"I WOULD," says Fox, "a tax devise
That shall not fall on me."
"Then tax receipts," Lord North replies,
"For those you never see."
MXCVII.--A BED OF--WHERE?
A SCOTCH country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion, and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well, sir; but, indeed, I thought I'd lost the minister a' thegither."
MXCVIII.--ENVY.
A DRUNKEN man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, I wish I had just half his disease!"--in other words, a moiety of the whiskey he had drunk.
MXCIX.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.
"I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little upon it."
MC.--MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.
A LAIRD OF LOGAN sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as you see him; but he's an honest beast." The purchaser took him home. In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast; many a time has he threatened to come down with me, and I kenned he would keep his word some day."
MCI.--"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."
MR. NEVILLE, formerly a fellow of Jesus College, was distinguished, by many innocent singularities, uncommon shyness, and stammering of speech, but when he used bad words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road. "Tu--u--rn," says Neville, "to--to--to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out, "Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can tell you!"
MCII.--ON MR. MILTON, THE LIVERY STABLE-KEEPER.
TWO Miltons, in separate ages were born,
The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;
Though the other had talents the world to adorn,
This lives by his mews, which the other could not!
MCIII.--A LONG RESIDENCE.
THE following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht o' leavin' yet."
MCIV.--SPARE THE ROD.
A SCHOOLBOY being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied, "If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the Italian system--the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."
MCV.--POLITICAL SINECURE.
CURRAN, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to his heart, and declared that he was the trusty guardian of his own honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on the snug little sinecure he had discovered for himself.
MCVI.--EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAÎTRE PHYSICIAN.
WHEN Pennington for female ills indites,
Studying alone not what, but how he writes,
The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,
Cry, with ill-omened rapture,--"Killing man!"
MCVII.--DAMPED ARDOR.
JERROLD and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London, discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of us."
MCVIII.--ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.
IN 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission, Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and I will talk over the business with HIS MAJESTY."
MCIX.--TRUTH AND FICTION.
A TRAVELLER relating his adventures, told the company that he and his servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed, that there was no great matter in it,--"For," says he, "we ran, and they ran after us."
MCX.--A REASONABLE REFUSAL.
AT the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King. "Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never could raise a man for mysel, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King George."
MCXI.--LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.
A VEHEMENT political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair, and taught to repeat the cry of "Infamous coalition!" Lord North coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the starling might well perform his office by deputy.
MCXII.--INCAPACITY.
A YOUNG ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "I would permit you," answered the prelate; "but nature will not."
MCXIII.--EPIGRAM.
(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)
TO wonder now at Balaam's ass were weak;
Is there a night that asses do not speak?
MCXIV.--VALUE OF NOTHING.
PORSON one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, requesting him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking, and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His friend answered, "Yes!"--"And what may it be?" asked Porson. "Sixpence!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the note."
MCXV.--THE RIGHT ORGAN.
SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The barrel-organ," interrupted an auditor.
MCXVI.--MIND YOUR POINTS.
A WRITER, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing a bolster full of rage and jealousy, smothers her."
MCXVII.--REASONS FOR DRINKING.
DR. ALDRICH, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking:--
"Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
Or lest you should be by and by,
Or any other reason why."
MCXVIII.--NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.
AN eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced."
MCXIX.--AN ODD OCCURRENCE.
AT a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have been more women than men married this year."
MCXX.--A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.
A TUTOR bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make some English verses, and seeing he put teeth to rhyme with feet, told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that evasion, for that will make you an owl."
MCXXI.--NOSCE TE IPSUM.
SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed he, with great emphasis--"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?"--"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.
MCXXII.--VERA CANNIE.
A YOUNG lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the plea, "Marry for love, and work for siller," replied, "It's a' vera true, but a kiss and a tinniefu o' cauld water maks a gey wersh breakfast."
Tinnie, the small porringer of children.
Insipid.
MCXXIII.--TIMELY AID.
A LADY was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam," said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been begging all day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to work!"
MCXXIV.--WHIST.
MRS. BRAY relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life, and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "What is trumps?"
MCXXV.--HENRY ERSKINE.
THE late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba--four, a barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences. Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer, "I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a slight extravasation of blood."--"You may thank your lucky stars," replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's gate was not as lofty as your style, or you must have broken your neck."
MCXXVI.--THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.
THESE walls, so full of monuments and bust,
Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.
MCXXVII.--TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.
TWO friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the "effigy of a man,"--said the stout gentleman, "Why, Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you last."--"And you," replied the other, "look as if you had been at dinner ever since."
MCXXVIII.--SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.
AN arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?"--"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or I'd wring his head off."
MCXXIX.--AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.
THE best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body they found the chaplain of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. ----, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was discovered in this very inconvenient situation.
MCXXX.--CONSTANCY.
CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not change either till he comes back."
MCXXXI.--EPIGRAM.
(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)
WHEN he holds forth, his reverence doth appear
So lengthily his subject to pursue,
That listeners (out of patience) often fear
He has indeed eternity in view.
MCXXXII.--SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.
MR. SMITH passed a pork-shop the other day,--Mr. Smith whistled. The moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this, we would mention that the day before he lost a Newfoundland dog, that weighed sixty-eight pounds.
MCXXXIII.--BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.
ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a duel in a darkened room. The Englishman, unwilling to take his antagonist's life, generously fired up the chimney, and--brought down the Frenchman. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the relator, "I make the Englishman go up the chimney."
MCXXXIV.--A PERFECT BORE.
SOME ONE being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was not "a little tiresome?"--"Not at all," said he, "she was perfectly tiresome."
MCXXXV.--TOO CIVIL BY HALF.
AN Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "I really beg his pardon,--bring him in."
MCXXXVI.--"OUR LANDLADY."
A LANDLADY, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion: "Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it half a quartern loaf, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got across the threshold on the mission ere the voice was again heard: "Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well make it all gin."
MCXXXVII.--THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.
DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking down a church, which might have stood for many years, and building a new one in a more convenient place, for no other reason but that there might be a direct road to a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a church out of the way, that the people may go in a straight line to the bridge."--"No, sir," replied Gwyn: "I am putting the church in the way, that the people may not go out of the way."
MCXXXVIII.--SAVING TIME.
A CANDIDATE at an election, who wanted eloquence, when another had, in a long and brilliant speech, promised great things, got up and said, "Electors of G----, all that he has said I will do."
MCXXXIX.--THE YOUNG IDEA.
SCHOOLMISTRESS (pointing to the first letter of the alphabet): "Come, now, what is that?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you." Schoolmistress: "You won't! But you must. Come, now, what is it?" Scholar: "I sha'n't tell you. I didn't come here to teach you,--but for you to teach me."
MCXL.--EPIGRAM.
TWO Harveys had a mutual wish
To please in different stations;
For one excelled in Sauce for Fish,
And one in Meditations.
Each had its pungent power applied
To aid the dead and dying;
This relishes a sole when fried,
That saves a soul from frying.
MCXLI.--EPITAPHS.
IF truth, perspicuity, wit, gravity, and every property pertaining to the ancient or modern epitaph, may be expected united in one single epitaph, it is in one made for Burbadge, the tragedian, in the days of Shakespeare,--the following being the whole,--Exit Burbadge.
Jerrold, perhaps, trumped this by his anticipatory epitaph on that excellent man and distinguished historian, Charles Knight,--"Good Knight."
MCXLII.--NATIONAL PREJUDICE.
FOOTE being told of the appointment of a Scotch nobleman, said, "The Irish, sir, take us all in, and the Scotch turn us all out."
MCXLIII.--GRANDILOQUENCE.
A BOASTING fellow was asked, "Pray, sir, what may your business be?"--"O," replied the boaster, "I am but a cork-cutter: but then it is in a very large way!"--"Indeed!" replied the other; "then I presume you are a cutter of bungs?"
MCXLIV.--THE LETTER C.
CURIOUS coincidences respecting the letter C, as connected with the Princess Charlotte, daughter of George IV.:--Her mother's name was Caroline, her own name was Charlotte; that of her consort Cobourg; she was married at Carlton House; her town residence was at Camelford House, the late owner of which, Lord Camelford, was untimely killed in a duel; her country residence Claremont, not long ago the property of Lord Clive, who ended his days by suicide; she died in Childbed, the name of her accoucheur being Croft.
MCXLV.--PRACTICAL RETORT.
IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and hissed him energetically; whereupon the manager brought his company on the stage, and out-hissed the visitors.
MCXLVI.--AN AGREEABLE PRACTICE.
DR. GARTH (so he is called in the manuscript), who was one of the Kit-Kat Club, coming there one night, declared he must soon be gone, having many patients to attend; but some good wine being produced he forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele reminded him of his patients, Garth immediately said, "It's no great matter whether I see them to-night or not; for nine of them have such bad constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't save them, and the other six have so good constitutions that all the physicians in the world can't kill them."
MCXLVII.--A REASON FOR RUNNING AWAY.
OWEN MOORE has run away,
Owing more than he can pay.
MCXLVIII.--LEGAL EXTRAVAGANCE.
"HURRAH! Hurrah!" cried a young lawyer, who had succeeded to his father's practice, "I've settled that old chancery suit at last."--"Settled it!" cried the astonished parent, "why I gave you that as an annuity for your life."
MCXLIX.--A CLAIM ON THE COUNTRY.
"AS you do not belong to my parish," said a clergyman to a begging sailor, with a wooden leg, "you cannot expect that I should relieve you."--"Sir," said the sailor, with a noble air, "I lost my leg fighting for all parishes."
MCL.--PLAIN SPEAKING.
GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. "Had Martin Luther done so," replied the philosopher, "your majesty would not have been on the throne of England."
MCLL.--THE PLURAL NUMBER.
A BOY being asked what was the plural of "penny," replied, with great promptness and simplicity, "two-pence."
MCLII.--MAULE-PRACTICE.
A MAN having broken open a young lady's jewel-case (the offence was differently described in the indictment), pleaded that he had done so with consent. "In the future," said Mr. Justice Maule, "When you receive a lady's consent under similar circumstances, get it, if possible, in writing."
MCLIII.--VERY LIKELY.
AN English officer lost his leg at the battle of Vittoria, and after suffering amputation with the greatest courage, thus addressed his servant who was crying, or pretending to cry, in one corner of the room, "None of your hypocritical tears, you idle dog; you know you are very glad, for now you will have only one boot to clean instead of two."
MCLIV.--MUCH ALIKE.
A SAILOR was asked, "Where did your father die?"--"In a storm," answered the sailor. "And your grandfather?"--"He was drowned."--"And your great-grandfather?"--"He perished at sea."--"How, then," said the questioner, "dare you go to sea, since all your ancestors perished there? You needs must be very rash."--"Master," replied the sailor, "do me the favor of telling me where your father died?"--"Very comfortably in a bed."--"And your forefathers?"--"In the same manner,--very quietly in their beds."--"Ah! master," replied the sailor, "how, then, dare you go to bed, since all your ancestors died in it?"
MCLV.--A GOOD WIFE.
A VERY excellent lady was desired by another to teach her what secrets she had to preserve her husband's favor. "It is," replied she, "by doing all that pleases him, and by enduring patiently all that displeases me."
MCLVI.--WELLINGTON SURPRISED.
A NOBLEMAN ventured, in a moment of conviviality at his grace's table, to put this question to him: "Allow me to ask, as we are all here titled, if you were not SURPRISED at Waterloo?" To which the duke responded, "No; but I am NOW."
MCLVII.--TOO CLEVER.
A COUNTRY boy endeavored, to the utmost of his power, to make himself useful, and avoid being frequently told of many trifling things, as country lads generally are. His master having sent him down stairs for two bottles of wine, he said to him, "Well, John, have you shook them?"--"No, sir; but I will," he replied, suiting the action to the word.
MCLVIII.--A LIGHT JOKE.
AN eminent tallow-chandler was told that after his candles were burned down to the middle, not one of them would burn any longer. He was at first greatly enraged at what he deemed a gross falsehood; but the same evening he tried the experiment at home, and found it to be a fact, "that when burned to the middle, neither candle would burn any longer."
MCLIX.--A REBUKE.
A BRAGGART, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, asserted that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said an old soldier, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look back."
MCLX.--A MODEL PHILANTHROPIST.
"BOBBY, what does your father do for a living?"--"He's a philanthropist, sir."--"A what?"--"A phi-lan-thro-pist, sir,--he collects money for Central America, and builds houses out of the proceeds."
MCLXI.--GREAT CABBAGE.
A FOREIGNER asked an English tailor how much cloth was necessary for a suit of clothes. He replied, twelve yards. Astonished at the quantity, he went to another, who said seven would be quite sufficient. Not thinking of the exorbitancy even of this demand, all his rage was against the first tailor: so to him he went. "How did you dare, sir, ask twelve yards of cloth, to make me what your neighbor says he can do for seven?"--"Lord, sir!" replied the man, "my neighbor can easily do it, he has but three children to clothe, I have six."
MCLXII.--TRUE AND FALSE.
A BEGGAR asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman to whom he applied himself, asked him a question in, Latin. The fellow, shaking his head, said he did not understand him. "Why," said the gentleman, "did you not say you were a poor scholar?"--"Yes," replied the other, "a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of Latin."
MCLXIII.--NOT QUITE CORRECT.
A HUNTSMAN, reported to have lived with Mr. Beckford, was not so correct in his conversation as he was in his professional employments. One day when he had been out with the young hounds, Mr. B. sent for him, and asked what sport he had had, and how the hounds behaved. "Very great sport, sir, and no hounds could behave better."--"Did you run him long?"--"They run him up-wards of five hours successfully."--"So then you did kill him?"--"O no, sir; we lost him at last."
MCLXIV.--A FOOL CONFIRMED.
DR. PARR, who was neither very choice nor delicate in his epithets, once called a clergyman a fool, and there was probably some truth in his application of the word. The clergyman, however, being of a different opinion, declared he would complain to the bishop of the usage. "Do so," added the learned Grecian, "and my Lord Bishop will confirm you."
MCLXV.--PLEASANT.
A COUNTRY dentist advertises that "he spares no pains" to render his operations satisfactory.
MCLXVI.--ALERE FLAMMAN.
MRS. B---- desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of a new work she had just written, adding, that if it would not do, she begged him to tell her, for she had other irons in the fire, and in case of its not being likely to succeed, she could bring out something else. "Then," said the doctor, after having turned over a few of the leaves, "I advise you, madam, to put it where your other irons are."
MCLXVII.--ORATORY.
AT the time when Sir Richard Steele was preparing his great room in York Buildings for public orations, he was behindhand in his payments to the workmen; and coming one day among them, to see what progress they made, he ordered the carpenter to get into the rostrum, and speak anything that came uppermost, that he might observe how it could be heard. "Why then, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "here have we been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, sir, when do you mean to pay us?"--"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have heard quite enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don't much admire your subject."
MCLXVIII.--SOLDIERS' WIVES.
THE late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. "But," said the housekeeper, "I am afraid she will not suit your royal highness, as she is a soldier's wife, and these people are generally loose characters!"--"What is it you say?" said the duke, who had just entered the room, "a soldier's wife! Pray, madam, what is your mistress? I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."
MCLXIX.--NO JOKE.
A GENTLEMAN, finding his grounds trespassed on and robbed, set up a board in a most conspicuous situation, to scare offenders, by the notification that "Steel-traps and Spring-guns are set in these Grounds";--but finding that even this was treated with contempt, he caused to be painted, in very prominent letters, underneath,--"NO JOKE, BY THE LORD HARRY!" which had the desired effect.
MCLXX.--A GOOD LIKENESS.
A PERSON who had often teased another ineffectually for subscriptions to charitable undertakings, was one day telling him that he had just seen his picture. "And did you ask it for a subscription?" said the non-giver. "No, I saw no chance," replied the other; "it was so like you."
MCLXXI.--CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE.
GEORGE SELWYN, happening to be at Bath when it was nearly empty, was induced, for the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate the acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he was in the habit of meeting at the Rooms. In the height of the following season, Selwyn encountered his old associate in St. James's street. He endeavored to pass unnoticed, but in vain. "What! don't you recollect me?" exclaimed the cuttee. "I recollect you perfectly," replied Selwyn; "and when I next go to Bath, I shall be most happy to become acquainted with you again."
Spotted a mistake or have an idea?
Literature · Humor
The Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings 8
