A Journey to the World Under-Ground 10 – Holberg · Verses Across
Literature · Science Fiction & Fantasy
A Journey to the World Under-Ground 10Chap 10
18
Literature · Science Fiction & Fantasy
A Journey to the World Under-Ground 10
Chap 10
HolbergEnglish
The Author’s Banishment to the +Firmament+.
I have hitherto said nothing concerning the strange and very singular Punishment the Potuans have, of banishing to the Firmament: Wherefore I think myself oblig’d in this Place, to give some Account of it.
Twice every Year certain Birds of an enormous Magnitude appear upon this Globe. They are call’d Cupac, that is to say, Birds of Post, and at stated Seasons they come and go. It has long perplex’d the Subterranean Naturalists to account for this periodical Visit. Some think they descend upon this Planet in Quest of certain Insects, or large Flies, of which there are prodigious Numbers about this Time of the Year, and of which these Birds are exceedingly voracious. This Opinion is strengthen’d by this Circumstance, that when these Flies disappear, the Birds fly off towards the Firmament. An evident Proof of this we have in other Countries, where Birds by the same Instinct of Nature appear, and for the very same Causes. Others think that these Birds are train’d up and instructed to this very End and Purpose by the Inhabitants of the Firmament, like our Falcons and other Birds of Prey. This Hypothesis receives some Countenance from that Tenderness, Care, and Dexterity, which these Birds use in bringing home their Prey, and laying it gently down before their Masters. Other Circumstances also shew, that these Creatures are either thus instructed, or else that they have a certain Portion of Reason to direct them; for at the Approach of the Season of Departure, they are so tractable and tame, that they suffer certain Nets, or small Chains, to be thrown over them, under which they lie quiet for many Days, and are fed out of Hand by the Inhabitants with the aforesaid Flies, of which they take Care to provide a great Quantity for this very Purpose. For it is necessary to keep feeding them till all Things are prepar’d and got ready for those who are to be banish’d. The Apparatus for their Departure is as follows: On those Nets, in which they are intangled, a Box or Cage is fasten’d with Cords. Every Cage is capable of containing one Person. The Time now drawing near, and the Insects failing which supply’d them with Food, the Birds mount upon Wing, and cutting the Air, return to the Place from whence they came. Such was this wonderful Passage, by which I and several other Exiles were to be translated to a new World.
There were also at this Time two Citizens of Potu, who for different Crimes were sentenc’d to Banishment, and were now preparing for their Journey. One of these was a Metaphysician, who had incurr’d this Punishment by disputing concerning the Essence of God, and the Nature of spiritual Substances. He had satisfy’d the Law for his first Offence of this Kind, by undergoing the Punishment of the Arm; but being a second Time detected, he was condemn’d to be banish’d to the Firmament. The other was a Fanatick, who having conceiv’d some Doubts concerning Religion, and concerning the civil Rights of the State, attempted to subvert the Foundations of each. He refus’d to obey the publick Laws, under Pretence that such Obedience was contrary to the Dictates of his Conscience. His Friends endeavour’d, by the most powerful Arguments, to cure him of this Conceit, by shewing him how many Delusions these Impulses of Conscience and imaginary Inspirations were subject to; they told him, that Zeal and Conscience were often confounded with Melancholy and certain corrupt Humours of the Body; they demonstrated to him the egregious Folly of thus appealing to the Authority of Conscience, and how unjust it was to contend that the Impulses of his Mind should be a Rule to others, who might make use of the same Argument, and oppose Conscience to Conscience. At last they prov’d to him, that whoever firmly held this Principle, pretending Conscience for his Disobedience, ought to be excluded from the Rights and Benefits of the Community, since every good Subject should pay an implicit Obedience to the Laws; but that a Fanatick neither cou’d nor wou’d pay such an Obedience, since his Conscience was his sole Rule of Politicks. But as these Reasons had no Effect upon the Mind of our Fanatick, he continued obstinate and incorrigible, and so was condemn’d to the Firmament. Thus at this Time there were only three of us to undergo this Punishment, a Projector, a Metaphysician, and a Fanatick.
About the Beginning of the Month of Birches, we were all carry’d from Prison to separate Places. What became of the Metaphysician and the Fanatick I know not, as being too full of Cares for myself to mind any Thing else. Being brought to the destin’d Place of Departure, I was forthwith thrust into the Box or Cage, with as much Provision as would serve me for two or three Days. Soon after this, when the Birds found no more Flies brought them, as if they took the Hint, they left the Place, and flew off with incredible Celerity. The Distance of the Firmament from the Planet Nazar, is reputed by the Subterraneans to be about an hundred Miles. How long I was in passing from the one to the other I cannot say, but to me this ætherial Voyage seem’d to be no more than about four and twenty Hours. After a profound Silence, at last a confus’d Noise seem’d to reach my Ears, from whence I conjectur’d I was not far from Land. Then it was I perceiv’d that these Birds had been carefully exercis’d and instructed; for with great Art and Care they landed their Burden, so as not in the least to injure or hurt it. In a Moment I was surrounded with a prodigious Number of Monkies, the Sight of which put me into a very great Fright, remembring what I had suffer’d from these Animals upon the Planet Nazar. But my Fright redoubled, when I heard these Monkies articulately discourse with one another, and when I beheld them clad in diverse-colour’d Vestments. I then conjectur’d that they were the Inhabitants of this Country. But as after that Heap of Wonders I had been accustom’d to, nothing now could well seem new or strange, I began to recover my Courage, especially as I had observ’d that these Creatures approach’d me with an Air of Civility and Good-nature, taking me gently out of my Cage, and receiving me with the Humanity due to Strangers. Even Ambassadors in our World are hardly receiv’d with more Ceremony than I was. They all came one after another, and address’d me in these Words, Pul Asser. When they had repeated this Salutation pretty often, I repeated the same Words. Upon this they set up an immoderate Laugh, and by a Multitude of comic Gestures, signify’d they were highly delighted to hear me pronounce them. This made me conclude these People to be a light, babbling Race of Creatures, and vast Admirers of Novelty. When they spoke, you wou’d think so many Drums were beating, with so much Volubility, and so little out of Breath, they held on their Chattering. In a Word, as to Dress, Manners, Speech, and Form of Body, they were the very Reverse of the Potuans. At first they were all astonish’d at my Figure, and the chief Reason of that Astonishment was, that I wanted a Tail. For as among the whole Brute Creation none so much resemble the human Form as Monkies, so, had I had a Tail, they would have taken me for one of their own Species, especially as all those who had hitherto been transported from the Planet Nazar to this Place, were of a Form extremely unlike their own. About the Time of my Arrival here the Sea ran very high, by reason of the near Approach of the Planet Nazar: For as with us the Tides of the Ocean correspond with the Course of the Moon, so the Ocean of this Firmament increases and decreases according to the Vicinity or Remoteness of the aforesaid Planet.
Presently I was conducted to a very noble House, all beautifully set off with costly Stone, Marble, Mirrors, Vases, and Tapestry. At the Gate were Centinels posted, which gave me to understand that this could not be the Dwelling of a vulgar Monkey. And I was soon inform’d, that it was the House of the Consul or chief Magistrate. He was very desirous of conversing with me, and therefore hir’d some Masters to instruct me in their Language. Near three Months had been spent upon my Instruction, at the Expiration of which, as I could now speak the Tongue pretty fluently, I hop’d to gain the Applause and Admiration of all, upon Account of the Forwardness of my Genius, and the Strength of my Memory. But my Tutors thought me slower and duller than ordinary, insomuch that they lost all Patience, and threaten’d to leave me off. And as at Potu I was call’d in Derision Scabba, or Quick-Parts, so here, by reason of my Stupidity and Dulness, they gave me the Name of Kadicoran, which signifies a Clown, or Dunce. For those alone are here esteem’d, who are quick and nimble, and cover their Sense in a confus’d and rapid Volley of Words. While I was learning the Monkey-Language, my Host took me round the City, which I beheld dissolv’d in every Kind of Luxury. What with the Multitude of Coaches, Chaises, Valets, and a Croud of People hurrying every Way, we were obliged to use a Sort of Force to get on. Yet this was nothing, if compar’d to that Luxury which reign’d in the Metropolis, where, as in its Center, you might see all that mortal Vanity could invent. Being now taught the Language, I was brought to this famous Capital by my Host, who hop’d to purchase the Favour of a Senator, by making him a Present of so uncommon a Curiosity as I was. For the Form of Government here is aristocratical, so that the Sovereign Authority resides in the Grand Senate, the Members of which are all noble from first to last. None of plebeian Family can ever hope to be more than a Centurion or Prætor in the Provinces or lesser Cities. Sometimes, indeed, one of this Class may arrive at the Consulate, yet never without some very extraordinary Merit. Thus it was my Host obtain’d the Consulship; for so fertile was his Genius, that in the Space of one Month, he projected twenty-eight new Laws. And though not half of them were calculated for the Good of the Publick, yet they were Specimens of a fruitful Invention, and procur’d him a great Character. For throughout the whole subterranean World, there is no Place where Projectors are in more Esteem than in this. The capital City is call’d Martinia; it gives Name to the whole Country, and is famous for its fine Situation, for the Grandeur of its Buildings, its Commerce, and naval Force. For Extent of Ground, and Number of Inhabitants, I believe it may rival Paris. So crouded was every Street, that we were forc’d to beat our Way through to go to that Part of the City where the Syndick of the Senate liv’d. For he it was to whom the Consul was to present me.
When we drew near to the Syndick’s House, my Friend the Consul went into an Inn, to put himself in Order, and to compose his Person and Habit in a Manner fit to appear before the Syndick. Immediately there appear’d a little Army of occasional Valets or Footmen, commonly call’d Maskatti, whose Assistance every one makes use of before they enter the Palaces of the Senators. These brush your Cloaths, take out the Spots, and with the exactest Care adjust whatever is discompos’d, even to the smallest Plait. One of these Maskatti took the Consul’s Sword, and wip’d it clean and bright, and then return’d it him. Another dress’d his Tail with Ribbands of various Colours: For these Monkies have nothing more at Heart than the Ornaments of their Tails. There were some Senators, and especially some of the Wives of the Senators, whose Tails on high Occasions could scarcely be dress’d out to the best Advantage under two or three hundred Pounds Sterling. A third approach’d the Consul with a geometrical Instrument, to take the Dimensions of his Cloaths, and to see if all hung in due Proportion. A fourth brought a Bottle of Paint, and with it improv’d his Visage. A fifth examin’d his Feet, from which he par’d the Superfluities. A sixth brought him perfum’d Water to wash with. In short, one brought a Towel, another a Comb, another a Looking-Glass, and all with an Exactness not inferior to that of a Geometrician measuring and adorning his Map. Oh! thought I to myself, how much Time and Expence must the Dress of the Ladies here require, when there is so much Fuss in tricking out one of our Sex? And, indeed, the Martinian Ladies exceed all Bounds, and cover their Defects with such a Load of Paint, as makes their Persons offensive. For when the Sweat and Paint are pretty well united, it exhales an Odour like that of your great Kitchens; what you smell you know not, but this you know, that it is something very disagreeable.
My Host thus painted, powder’d, comb’d and polish’d, went to the Syndick’s Palace, attended only with three Valets. When he came to the Court-Yard he pull’d off his Shoes, lest he should afterwards disoblige the Marble Floor with Dirt or Dust. He was forc’d to stay a full Hour before the Syndick was inform’d that he was there, nor was he introduc’d without a proper Gratification to some of the Guards and Servants. The Syndick, seated on a gilt Settee, as soon as he espy’d me entring with my Host, burst out into an ungovernable Laughter, and afterward ask’d me a thousand trifling, foolish Questions. To every Reply I made him, he redoubled his Fits of Laughter.
Ingeminat tremulos naso crispante cachinnos.
For my Part, I was of Opinion, that to play the Buffoon was reckon’d among the Virtues here, since the Government had made this Person Syndick, which is the second Dignity in the Senate; and I observ’d as much to my Friend. But he assur’d me, he was a Monkey of great Abilities, as appear’d from the Multitude of Business of various Sorts, which even in his greener Years he went through. For such was his Readiness of Perception, that even over a Glass he would transact Affairs of the utmost Weight; nay even at Dinner, or at Supper, between the Courses, he would often draw up a new Law. I enquir’d if such Laws, conceiv’d in so short a Space of Time, were of any considerable Duration. To this he only reply’d, that like other Laws they continued in Force, till it pleas’d the Senate to abrogate or repeal them.
The Syndick, having convers’d with me about half an Hour, and with full as great a Degree of Loquacity as our European Barbers, turn’d himself about to my Friend, and told him, he would take me into the Number of his Servants, though upon Account of my slow Intellects he much doubted whether I could be good for any Thing. I have myself, reply’d my Friend the Consul, observ’d a natural Torpor or Dulness in him, but give him Time for Reflexion, and you will find he has no contemptible Judgment. That signifies little here, return’d the Syndick, since our Multiplicity of Business admits of no Delay. With these Words he fell to examining my Limbs and my Body, and after having survey’d them a short Time, he commanded me to lift up a certain Weight from the Ground, which I did without much Trouble. Upon this he told me, that though Nature had been unkind to me with respect to my Intellects, yet that she had in a Manner compensated that Defect by an extraordinary Strength of Body. I was then order’d to withdraw to another Apartment, where the Domesticks and Attendants receiv’d me with a good deal of Pleasure, though their excessive Impertinence and Gestures were troublesome enough. So many Questions they ask’d me concerning our World, I knew not how to answer them, and so gave them what came uppermost, some Truth, some Falshood, just to allay their impatient Curiosity.
At length my Friend returning, told me his Excellence did me the Honour to retain me in his Court. From the foregoing Conversation of the Syndick I could guess, that the Employment design’d for me was no very important one, probably his Valet, or his Butler; and upon enquiring what it was, my Friend said to me, His Excellence has been graciously pleas’d to appoint you one of his Body Chairmen, with an annual Salary of twenty-five Stercolates. (A Martinian Stercolate is equal to about seven Shillings and Six-pence Sterling.) He has moreover engag’d, that you shall have the Honour of carrying only himself, or his Lady. I was thunderstruck with this Answer, and remonstrated in the most pathetic Manner how unworthy an Office this was for one of my ingenuous Education and Family. But some Courtiers rushing in in Heaps, interrupted me from speaking more, and half kill’d me with their Impertinence. For all the Martinians are light, frothy, talking Creatures, that have a smooth, fluent Jargon of Words, without the least Mixture of Seriousness or Gravity. At length I was conducted to an Apartment, where Supper was ready; and having taken a moderate Repast, I retir’d to my Repose.
I threw myself upon my Bed, but such was the Disorder of my Mind, I could take no Sleep. The Disdain I was receiv’d with shock’d me to the highest Degree, and nothing less than a Spartan Patience could digest so gross an Indignity. I heartily deplor’d my Fate, which seem’d severer now than what I had experienc’d in the Planet Nazar, and I could not help saying to myself, “What would here become of the Kadoki, or High Chancellor of Potu, a Person of inestimable Worth in his own Country, but who requir’d at least an intire Month to form a new Law? What would be the Fate of Palmka in this Place, where the Senators make Laws between the Courses at Meals?” After a serious Consideration, I found myself translated from a Land of Sages to a Country of Fools. At last being tir’d with thinking, Sleep overpower’d me. I know not how long I slept, since there is here no Difference between Night and Day. For it is never dark except at one stated Time, when the subterranean Sun is in an Eclipse by the Interposition of the Planet Nazar. This Eclipse is very remarkable, because the aforesaid Planet, being not far from the Firmament, overshadows the whole Sun, and so always makes the Eclipse total. But as this happens but seldom, it makes no Alteration of Season, which is here invariably the same upon Account of the constant Presence of the Sun. Hence the Inhabitants are forc’d to have Recourse to various Inventions, as Groves, Baths, Walks, and Grotto’s, to qualify the Heat.
I was scarce awake, when a Monkey enter’d my Chamber, who told me he was my Comrade in Office, and with a slight Cord (being order’d so to do) he apply’d a fictitious Tail to my Posteriors, to make me look more like a Monkey. He then bid me get ready, because the Syndick within an Hour was to be carry’d to the Academy, to which Place he and his Brother Senators had receiv’d a formal Invitation. It seems there was to be a Promotion to a Doctor’s Degree at Ten o’Clock that Morning. It must be noted here, that though the Days are not distinguish’d from the Nights, by reason of the perpetual Presence of the Sun, yet are they distinguish’d into Hours, half Hours, and Quarters, and that by Means of Clocks or Hour-Glasses, so that Day and Night together take up about twenty-two Hours. Hence, if all the Clocks in the City were to stop at once, it would be impossible for the Citizens to recover the true Time, till they had consulted some of the Clocks in the next Neighbourhood. For there neither are, nor can be, any Sun-Dials, because there is never any Shadow, the Sun continually darting perpendicular Rays upon the Place. So that were you to dig a Well here, it would be illuminated to the Bottom. As to the Year, that is regulated and governed by the Course of the Planet Nazar round the Sun.
At Ten o’Clock we took up his Excellence, and carry’d him to the Academy. Entring into the Auditory, we beheld the Doctors and Masters seated in Order, every one of which rose up as the Syndick pass’d by, and turning themselves about paid him their Compliments with their Tail. This is their Manner of doing Reverence. And this accounts for their Care in adorning their Tails. For my own Part, I confess these inverted Salutations seem’d extremely foolish and absurd. For to turn one’s Back upon any one, is among us a Mark of Indifference or Contempt: But every Nation has its particular Taste. The aforesaid Doctors and Masters were seated on each Side of the Auditory. In the lower Part of it was plac’d a Chair, in which sat the Candidate. Before the Act of Promotion, the following Question was discuss’d in a solemn Disputation, namely, Whether the Sound, which Flies and other Insects make, comes through the Mouth, or the Posteriors? The President undertook the Defence of the former Opinion, which was attack’d by the Opponents with so much Ardour, that I was afraid it would have terminated in a bloody Battle. And most certainly they had come to Blows, but that the Senate rose up, and cool’d the Flame by their Authority. During the Dispute, a certain Monkey play’d upon a Pipe: This was the Moderator, who by the Management of his Musick, either in soft, or in smart Strains, would quicken the Dispute when it flagg’d and languish’d, or bring it down when it was noisy and violent. Tho’ very often all his Art had no Effect: So very hard a Matter it is to preserve the Temper, when the Dispute is upon such interesting Subjects. The same Thing often happens in our World, where, when the Dispute turns upon some very dubious and almost inexplicable Point, one may observe the Combatants are often work’d up to the most violent Agitations of Mind or Body. However, this threatning Quarrel which promis’d nothing but Blood and Slaughter, ended all in Compliments and Praises. Something like this obtains in our European Universities, where, according to general Custom, the President, when the Dispute is clos’d, descends victorious and triumphant from the Chair.
This Preamble ended, they proceeded to the Act of Creation with these Ceremonies. The Candidate was plac’d in the Middle of the Auditory: Three of the University-Beadles walk’d gravely up to him, and threw a whole Pail-full of cold Water upon his Head; they then perfum’d him with Incense, and lastly gave him a Vomit to take off. Having perform’d this with the utmost Solemnity, they retir’d bowing, and declar’d him aloud a true and legitimate Doctor. Amaz’d at so many wonderful Ceremonies, I ask’d a certain learned Monkey who stood near me, the Meaning of all this. He told me, (pitying at the same Time my Ignorance) that by the Water, the Incense, and the Vomit, it was understood that the Candidate was to forsake his old Vices, and to assume a new Set of Manners, to distinguish him from the Vulgar. Hearing this, I deplor’d my own Stupidity, and full of Admiration, forbore to ask any farther Questions, for fear I should be thought to have never convers’d with any Thing above Brutes.
At last all the musical Instruments struck up at once, and the new Doctor, cloath’d in a Robe of Green, and girt with a Sash of the same Colour, was escorted home from the Auditory with all Parnassus at his Heels. But as he was of a plebeian Family, he had not the Honour of a Coach, but was seated in a Vehicle not unlike a Wheelbarrow, and drawn by Hand, the University-Beadles marching before in their respective Habits. The Whole ended in a very handsome Entertainment, where the Guests drank so plentifully, that many of them were carried home extremely intoxicated, and were so ill for many Days after, that without the Help of proper Medicines they would hardly have recover’d. So that from the Beginning to the Ending of this whole Ceremony, nothing was wanting to the due Solemnity of it; and I protest, I never, even in our World, saw a more truly academical Promotion, or any Candidate commence Doctor more legitimately than this.
In the Courts of Justice, Causes are dispatch’d with a surprizing Dexterity, and I was charm’d with that Readiness of Apprehension, that Velocity of conceiving Things, so peculiar to this Nation. Very often, before the Advocates have wound up their Pleadings, the Judges rise and give Sentence with equal Expedition and Elegance. I often frequented these Courts, to inform myself thoroughly of their Manner of Proceeding. At first hearing, their Decrees seem’d just and equitable enough; but upon a more careful Examination, they were in Reality absurd, unjust, and full of Contradictions, insomuch that I would sooner commit my Cause to the Chance of a Die, than to the Judgment of the Martinian Lawyers. I forbear to say any Thing concerning the Laws of this People, by reason of the capricious Changes they perpetually undergo. They are as fickle in these as in their Fashions. Many are here punish’d for Crimes, which were not Crimes at the Time they were committed, but commence such by Virtue of an After-Law to make them so. For which Reason nothing is more common than Appeals from the inferior to the superior Courts, the Plaintiff having Hopes, that, while the Suit is depending, the old Law (which lost him his Cause in the lower Court) may be repeal’d. This is owing to the Suddenness with which their Laws are invented and promulged. Such Lovers of Novelty are this People, that they perfectly nauseate the most useful Statutes, solely upon Account of their Antiquity. The Advocates are in great Reputation for their Shrewdness in Disputation. Nay, there are some among them, who disdain to undertake a Cause that is not unjust, or at least very doubtful; for in so doing they might be depriv’d of an Occasion of exerting their Parts, and giving Specimens of their Ability to turn Black into White. The Judges will often favour a bad Cause, in Compliment to the Council for defending it so well. “We perceive well enough, say the Judges, the Injustice of this Cause, but then it has been manag’d with such inimitable Art, that in Justice to the Advocate for his Performance, we ought to strain a Point of Law.” The Students in this Profession are taught Law at different Prices; for Instance, Those who teach their Pupils to manage a bad Cause, or, according to the Proverb, to make the best of a bad Market, require twenty Stercolates for their Trouble; the Art of managing a good one shall cost but ten. Their Forms of Law are so many, they resemble a huge Chaos, without Bottom and without Shore. For the Martinians, having a sublime Genius and a quick Perception, detest every Thing that’s plain and simple, and think nothing worth their Care that is not very knotty and intricate.
The same Taste prevails in Religion, which does not consist in Practice, but in idle Speculations. Thus there are two hundred and thirty different Opinions about the Form or Figure of the Supream Being, and three hundred and ninety-six about the Nature and Quality of Souls. The Martinians never resort to their Temples or Churches with the View of hearing any Thing useful, or of improving themselves in the Art of living and dying well, but only to observe with what Art and Dexterity the holy Orators acquit themselves; for the more obscure their Language is, the more they are admir’d, their Audience having very little Relish for what they understand. More Pains are taken about the Expression, than about the Matter, the Preachers affecting the smooth, round Period more than the Strength of Reason, and the Audience expecting to be amus’d with a sounding Pomp of Words without a Meaning. For this Reason I did not dare say any Thing concerning the Christian Religion, which consisting of naked, simple Truths, could never recommend itself to their Goût.
Projectors are no where in so high Reputation as here. The more odd and impracticable the Scheme, the greater is the Inventor’s Glory. When I had accidentally been explaining to a certain Monkey the Nature of our terraqueous Globe, and had inform’d him that the Surface of it was inhabited, he presently conceiv’d a Project of digging through the Earth, and opening a Passage to the Superterraneans. This Device met with universal Applause, and a Society was thereupon instituted, and call’d THE SUPERTERRANEAN COMPANY, to which the Inhabitants flock’d in Shoals, and, according to the Language of those Times, bought in Stocks. However, as this Affair introduced a great deal of Confusion into the Kingdom, and ruin’d a Multitude of Families beyond Redemption, they found the Folly of the Scheme, and dropt it all at once. And though the Nation smarted so severely by it, yet the Projector not only escap’d with Impunity, but with almost general Praise, this People entertaining the highest Idea of his great Abilities.
Perceiving this Turn of Mind to prevail, I endeavour’d by the same Means to procure myself a Reputation among the Martinians, and to mend my Fortune by some new Project of my own. After a due Examination of the State of the Publick, I discover’d several Flaws in it. I saw the whole Country was full of the more subtle Sort of Artists, but that it labour’d under a Want of useful Traders and Workmen. Upon this I propos’d a Law for the Institution of certain Manufacturers, that might be of great Service to the Nation. But every Proposal of this Kind met with nothing but Sneers and Contempt from this vain People. I then accus’d my own Stupidity in these Terms, What a Sot have I been? and how richly do I deserve to end my Days in the ignoble Office of Chairman? Yet I did not altogether despond, and being convinc’d I should never do them, nor myself, any Good by salutary Counsels, I resolv’d to try whether I could not get over the Difficulty by some ridiculous Invention or other. I open’d my Design to one of the gravest Monkeys I knew, who encourag’d me to it mightily. And when he prov’d to me, that Numbers there had made their Fortunes by mere Trifles and boyish Gewgaws, and more especially by the Invention of some new Fashion, I then resolv’d to swim with the Tide, and among Fools to play the Fool myself. Upon this I call’d to Mind all the most ridiculous and extravagant Inventions of Europe, and being at Liberty to pick and chuse, I fix’d upon those Ornaments of the Head, which we call Perriwigs, and determin’d with myself to introduce this Fashion. What contributed to bear me out in this Attempt, was the great Number of Goats in this Kingdom, whose Wool or Hair would be very proper for my Purpose. And as my good Tutor (now at Rest) long exercis’d the Occupation of a Perriwig-Maker, I was not altogether ignorant of the Art. In short, I procur’d some Goat’s Hair, and made a Perriwig fitted to my own Head, and thus adorn’d, I appear’d before the Syndick. Startled at so new and unusual an Appearance, he ask’d me what it was, and immediately snatching it from my Head, he put it upon his own, and run to the Glass to survey himself. But how shall I express his Wonder and Delight? He burst into an Ecstasy of Pleasure, crying, O ye Gods! and forthwith sent for his Lady to join with him in his Joy. Her Wonder was equal to his, and embracing the Syndick, she vow’d she never saw any Thing so charming, and every Soul in the Family was of the same Opinion. The Syndick then turning towards me, My dear Kakidoran, says he, if this Invention of yours should take with the Senate as it does with me, you may promise yourself every Thing. I thank’d his Excellence, and soon after put a Petition into his Hands, address’d to the Senate, which I begg’d the Favour of him to offer. It was conceiv’d in these Terms.
Most Excellent, most Generous, most Illustrious, most Noble, and most Wise Senators.
“The natural Propensity, by which I am influenc’d to promote the publick Good, has now mov’d me to contrive this new and hitherto unheard-of Ornament for the Head, which here I most humbly offer to your Excellencies, and submit it to the Examination of this august Tribunal, not doubting but it will meet with a most gracious Reception, especially as the Invention must conduce to the Glory, as well as Ornament of the Nation, and make the admiring World confess, that the Martinians excel the rest of Mortals, not only in the Virtues and Endowments of the Mind, but in those Ornaments of the Body which render the Person grand and majestick. I solemnly vow to all your Excellencies, that in this I never consulted my own Interest, and therefore I require no Reward: It is enough for me in my slender Capacity to have promoted the publick Welfare, and the Kingdom’s Honour. But if the most illustrious Senate are pleas’d to decree me a suitable Reward for my Labours, I shall receive it with a grateful Heart, that such their Munificence may be known throughout the World, and others animated to the like, or greater Inventions. In this View I cannot oppose the Liberality of the Senate and People of Martinia. As to the rest, I commend myself to the Favour of your Excellencies, and am,
May it please your Excellencies,
Your most obedient,
And most humble Servant,
+Kakidoran+.”
Martinia,
7th Day of Astral.
The Syndick produc’d the Petition with the Perriwig in open Senate. I heard that all Business was laid aside that Day, so much did the Examination of the Perriwig engage the general Attention. Upon the Close of all, they prais’d the Work, extoll’d the Artist, accepted of his Good-will, and appointed him a Reward. In the whole Senate there were but three who oppos’d this Motion; but they got no Credit by it, and were look’d upon as rude, unpolish’d Creatures, totally unworthy of the senatorial Function.
This Decree being pass’d, I was commanded to appear before the Senate, where a senior Monkey rising up, thank’d me in the Name of the whole Commonwealth, and assur’d me they would reward me in a Manner suitable to my great Merit. He likewise ask’d me, how much Time it would require to make such another Ornament? I reply’d, that as to the Reward, it was sufficient Recompence to receive the Applauses of so venerable a Body: As to the other Point, the making a second Perriwig, provided I might have the Assistance of as many Monkeys as I could instruct in the Art, I could undertake in one Month to furnish almost the whole City. At these Words, the Syndick rose and said, Heav’n forbid, Kakidoran, that such an Ornament should be common to all the City, and grow into Disesteem by frequent Use! No; let the Nobility be by this distinguish’d from the Vulgar. This Opinion was seconded by all the Senate, and the publick Censors were order’d to take due Care that this Decree should be inviolably observ’d, that the Nobility receive no Dishonour by the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs, and that so bright an Ornament should be reserv’d solely for their Use. But this Edict had the same Effect that all sumptuary Laws have, and only excited a stronger Desire in the Commons to transgress them. And as this Invention had the Happiness to please every one, the richer Citizens, by Friends or Money, procur’d Titles of Honour to qualify them to wear Perriwigs, insomuch that in a short Time a very great Part of the City was enobled. At length, when Petitions arriv’d from the several Provinces, to be allow’d to come into this Fashion, the Senate took the Matter under Consideration, and made a Repeal of the Law, with a Permission for the promiscuous Use of Perriwigs; so that I had the Pleasure to see the whole Nation perriwig’d, if I may use the Expression, before I left Martinia. And a most delightful Sight it was! Such general Satisfaction did this Contrivance give, that it gave Birth to a new Epoch, or Date of Time, which was call’d in the Martinian Annals, THE YEAR OF PERRIWIGS.
To return to myself. Surrounded with Applauses, and cloath’d in a Purple Robe, I was carried back in a Chair to the Syndick’s House, and my Comrade Chairman now perform’d the Office of a Horse for me. From that Hour I was admitted to the Syndick’s Table. After this lucky Prelude of my Fortune, I pursued my Design, and by the joint Labours of those I instructed, I in a short Time finish’d off Perriwigs enough to accommodate the whole Senate; and about the End of the Month the following Diploma of Nobility was brought me.
“Whereas a certain Person, by Name Kakidoran, Native of a City call’d Europe, has by a glorious and useful Invention highly oblig’d the whole Martinian Nation: It is our Will and Pleasure to associate him into the Body of our Nobility; and we do accordingly decree, That he and his Heirs henceforth be reputed as true and genuine Nobles, and enjoy all such Privileges, Rights and Immunities, as are claim’d by the Martinian Nobility. Moreover we have decreed to honour him with a new Name, so that instead of Kakidoran, he shall now be styl’d Kikidorian. And lastly, it is our Will and Pleasure to settle an annual Stipend upon him of two hundred Patari, to enable him to support his new Dignity.”
Given at our Court of Senate in Martinia, the 4th Day of Merian, under our Great Seal, &c.
Thus from a poor Chairman was I transform’d to a Nobleman; and for some Time I liv’d in the highest Repute, and with the utmost Felicity. And as the Martinians saw I was in high Favour with the Syndick, every Creature made his Court to me. The Flattery of the Preferment-Hunters went so far as to strive which should write the most fulsome Panegyricks upon me, in which they kindly gave me a great many Virtues I never had. Some, though they knew I was a Native of an unknown World, yet reckon’d up for me a long List of Ancestors, and drew out Genealogies in a direct Line from Heroes of the earliest Ages. These Computations could not be very agreeable to me, nor was it possible for me to think it an Honour to be descended from Monkeys. Moreover, as it is usual with the Martinians to celebrate the Tails of the Quality, as our Poets sing the Beauties of their Mistresses, accordingly some of the Martinian Poets celebrated my Tail in Verse, though I never had any. In short, to such a Height did their Flattery rise, that a certain Person of no mean Extraction, and whose Name I spare upon Account of his Family, actually offer’d me the Enjoyment of his Wife, if in Return I would use all my Interest for him with the Syndick. This vile Propensity to Flattery, to which all the Martinians are extremely subject, makes it not worth one’s while to read their Histories, which are little more than a Heap of extravagant Encomiums, though the Language of them is every where polite and elegant. Hence this Country produces better Poets than Historians, which is owing to the fine Imagination of the Martinians.
I enjoy’d a tolerable good Share of Health while I was in this Country, tho’ the Heat, occasion’d by the continual Presence of the Sun, was not a little troublesome. Once I was seiz’d with a Diarrhea, attended with a high Fever; but it was of no great Continuance: But during my Illness, the Physician I made use of was ten Times more troublesome than my Disorder, by reason of his Impertinence and Loquacity, which are so peculiar to this People. Having Occasion for a Physician in that ill State of Health, a Doctor of Physick came a Voluntier, and offer’d me his Assistance: I could not forbear laughing at the Sight of him, because who should this be but my very Barber? I question’d him, how it happen’d that from a Barber he was so soon metamorphos’d into a Doctor? He reply’d, he exercis’d both Professions. Upon this I was a little dubious, whether I ought to trust the Care of my Health to such a general Trader, and frankly told him, that I had rather have a Physician who profess’d the Art of Physick alone; but he vow’d and protested to me, that there was not one such throughout the whole City. I was therefore oblig’d to venture myself with him. The Haste the Doctor was in increas’d my Wonder; for having prescrib’d for me a Potion, he abruptly took his Leave, declaring he could not possibly stay longer, because he was oblig’d to attend upon some other Affairs, in which he was engag’d, at that very Time. And when I ask’d him what those Affairs could be which requir’d such violent Haste, he told me, he was under a Necessity of being at a Market-Town in the Neighbourhood by such an Hour, to act as a Notary-Publick, which was another of his Employments. This Multiplicity of Business is in great Vogue here, and every body is very ready to undertake any the most opposite and contradictory Offices. This Confidence is occasion’d by that wonderful Liveliness of Genius, which dispatches Business in a Trice. Yet from the various Mistakes and Blunders they daily commit, I concluded that these Geniuses, which are so full of Fire, are rather an Ornament to the Commonwealth, than of any real Use to it.
After I had spent two Years in this Territory, partly as a Chairman, and partly as a Nobleman, I fell into an Adventure which had like to have been fatal to me. In his Excellency’s Palace, I had met with the highest Civilities; I had also the Honour to be extremely in the good Graces of his Lady, insomuch that I seem’d to have the first Place in her Friendship. She often favour’d me with tete a tete Conversations; and tho’ she seem’d highly pleas’d with my Company, yet all she said was with so much Modesty and Delicacy, that it was impossible to put a sinister Interpretation upon her Conduct in this Respect, nor could I with all my Penetration guess, that the Source of all this wondrous Goodness was an impure Passion, more especially as she was a Lady of Quality, and as eminent for her Virtue, as for her Birth and Family. But, in Process of Time, from some equivocal Speeches of hers, I could not but entertain a few Suspicions, which were considerably increas’d by several evident Symptoms,
The wan Complexion, and the dying Eye,
The stedfast Gaze, th’ involuntary Sigh.
At length the Mystery was clear’d up, a young Virgin, her Confidante, bringing me the following Billet.
Lovely +Kikidorian+,
“My Birth, and the natural Modesty of my Sex, have now conceal’d those Sparks of Love, which lurk’d within my Bosom, and with-held them from bursting into an open Flame. But now, sinking under the Oppression, I can no longer resist the Violence of my Wishes.”
Let this soft Secret all thy Pity move,
Extorted from my Soul by raging Love.
I am Yours,
+Ptarnusa+.
Words cannot utter the Confusion this passionate Declaration threw me into. But as I thought it better to be expos’d to the Vengeance of disappointed Love, than to disturb the Laws of Nature by mixing my Blood with a Creature not of the human Species, I return’d the following Answer.
+Madam+,
The repeated Favours I have receiv’d from his Excellency the Syndick, the Benefits he has heap’d upon an undeserving Stranger, the moral Impossibility of complying with your Request, together with innumerable other Reasons which I forbear to recount; all this, Madam, determines me to hazard your Ladyship’s Resentment, rather than consent to an Action which would render me of all two-footed Creatures the most vile and abominable. Not Death itself is half so terrible. The Crime too would bring an indelible Stain upon a most illustrious Family, and she who commands it must be the greatest Sufferer. Let me conjure you, therefore, to pardon this Refusal, and be satisfy’d, that in every other Respect I shall always pay the profoundest Obedience to your Ladyship’s Commands. I am,
Madam,
Your most humble,
And most obedient Servant,
+Kikidorian+.
This Answer I seal’d up, and gave it to the Bearer to deliver to her Mistress. It had the Effect I suspected. Her Love was chang’d into the strongest Aversion. However, she deferr’d her Revenge till she had recover’d that Letter she sent to me. She then suborn’d false Witnesses, who swore that I attempted to violate the Syndick’s Bed. This Story was cook’d up with so much Art, and such an Air of Probability, that the Syndick, not making the least Doubt about it, threw me into Prison. In this Extremity, there was but one Thing to be done, and that was, to make Confession of the Crime, and implore his Excellency’s Mercy. By these Means, I hop’d to divert or soften his Anger, and procure a Mitigation of my Punishment. For it was ridiculous to think of contesting the Matter with a powerful Family, especially in a Country, where not the Merits of the Cause, but the sole Quality of the Person is regarded. Therefore omitting all Sort of Defence, I had Recourse to the most abject Supplications and Tears, imploring not a total Remission of my Punishment, but only to have it moderated.
Thus by the Confession of a Crime I never dreamt of, I chang’d the Punishment of Death for a perpetual Captivity. My Diploma of Nobility was taken from me, and torn in Pieces by the Hands of the common Hangman, and I myself was condemn’d to be a Galley-Slave all my Days. The Galley, or Vessel, I was sent to work in, belong’d to the Government, and lay in Readiness for its Voyage to the Mezendores, or Land of Wonders. This Voyage is undertaken at a stated Time of the Year, namely, in the Month Radir. They sail to these Parts in Quest of such Commodities as are not to be had in their own Country, so that the Mezendores are a Kind of Indies to the Martinians. A Body of Merchants, as well Nobles as Citizens, are erected into a Society called the Mezendorian Company, among whom the Merchandise of the returning Vessel is divided, according to their several Subscriptions and Shares. The Vessel moves both by Sails and Oars, and to every Oar two Slaves or Captives are assign’d: And to this Drudgery was I condemn’d during this Voyage. With what Reluctance I enter’d upon it, it is easy to guess, especially as I had done nothing to deserve being thus expos’d to servile Labour, and to the Lash, among Wretches and Slaves. Various were the Sentiments of the Martinians concerning my Misfortune. Some were of Opinion I was culpable, and therefore deserv’d the Punishment; but then the Sight of me in that miserable Condition drew Compassion from them. Others thought some Regard ought to have been had to my former Services, and that therefore my Punishment need not have been so severe. But some of the honester Monkeys mutter’d among themselves that I was accus’d falsely, though no one dar’d openly undertake my Defence, through Fear of my powerful Accusers. I determin’d, however, to bear my Calamity with Patience. My greatest Comfort was the approaching Voyage; for as I had always a strong Passion for Novelty, I was in Hopes of meeting with something new and wonderful, though I could not give Credit to all the Sailors told me, nor bring myself to think that there were such Prodigies in Nature, as I afterwards met with. There were several Interpreters in our Vessel, whose Assistance the Mezendorian Company made use of in these Expeditions; for all Contracts, as to Buying and Selling, were made by them.
