Mr. Punch in the Hunting Field 44 – Anonymous · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch in the Hunting Field 44Severe
18
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch in the Hunting Field 44
Severe
AnonymousEnglish
M.F.H. (to Youth from neighbouring Hunt, who has been making himself very objectionable). "Now, look here, young man. I go cub-hunting for the purpose of educating my own puppies. As you belong to another pack, I'll thank you to take yourself home!"
HUNTING MEMORANDUM
Appearance of things in general to a gentleman who has just turned a complete somersault!
* &c., &c., represent sparks of divers beautiful colours.]
"LE SPORTMAN"
"Hi!! Hi!! Stop ze chasse! I tomble--I faloff! Stop ze fox!"
"CUBBING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS"
Half-awakened un-enthusiastic Sportsman (who wished to go out cub-hunting, but has entirely changed his mind, drowsily addressing rather astonished burglar). "Awright, old boy. Can't come with you this morning. Too sleepy."
[Turns round and resumes deep sleep where he left off.
]
A BROKEN PLEDGE
Sportsman on bank (to Friend in brook). "Hallo, Thompson, is that you? Why, I thought you had joined the 'No Drinks in between Meals' Party!"
"IN THE DIM AND DISTANT FUTURE"
First Sportsman (cantering along easily). "I say, we shall see you at dinner on the nineteenth, shan't we?"
Second Ditto (whose horse is very fresh, and bolting with him). "If the beast goes on like this--hanged if you'll ever see me again."
THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YET
Ex-M.F.H. (eighty-nine and paralytic). "Fora-a-d! Fora-a-d! Fora-a-a-d!"
Huntsman (making a cast for the line of the fox, near a railway). "Hold hard, please! Don't ride over the line!"
Would-be Thrusters. "Oh, no, we won't. There's a bridge farther on!"
"RANK BLASPHEMY"
Squire Oldboy, M.H. (enjoying a long and very slow hunt). "There she goes! Afraid it's a new hare though."
Bored Sportsman. "How lucky! The other must be getting doosid old."]
A CHECK
Huntsman. "Seen the fox, my boy?"
Boy. "No, I ain't!"
Huntsman. "Then, what are you hollarin' for?"
Boy (who has been scaring rooks). "'Cos I'm paid for it!"]
EASIER SAID THAN DONE
Sixteen-stone Sportsman (who has been nearly put down from a "rotten" landing, to little Bricks, 9st. 2lb.): "Do you mind putting me back in the saddle, sir?"
THE TROUBLES OF AN M.F.H.
M.F.H. (to stranger, who is violently gesticulating to hounds). "When you have done feeding your chickens, sir, perhaps you will allow me to hunt my hounds!"
"Morning, Tom. What a beastly day!"
"It ain't a day, sir. I call it an interval between two bloomin' nights!"
A BAD LOOK-OUT
Sportsman (to Friend whom he has mounted). "For goodness' sake, old chap, don't let her put you down! She's certain to savage you!"
ECHOES OF THE CHASE
Huntsman (who has been having a very bad ride). "Either master wants some new 'orses or a new 'untsman!"
HINTS ON HUNTING
Always see that your bridle reins are sound. There are times when they have a considerable strain on 'em!
SO FAR, NO FARTHER
Extraordinary position assumed by Mr. Snoodle on the sudden and unexpected refusal of his horse.
HARD LUCK
Small Child (to Mr. Sparkin, who had come out at an unusually early hour in order to meet his inamorata at the guide-post, and pilot her out cub-hunting). "I was to tell you she has such a bad cold she couldn't come. But I'm going with you instead, if you promise to take care of me. I'm her cousin, you know!"
A PSEUDO-THRUSTER
Farmer (to Sportsman, returning from the chase). "Beg pardon, sir, but ain't you the gent that broke down that there gate of mine this morning?"
Mr. Noodel (who never by any chance jumps anything--frightfully pleased). "Er--did I? Well, how much is the damage?"]
THE WATER TEST
Whip (bringing on tail hounds, in the rear of the field). "Hulloah! Who've you got there?"
Runner (who has just assisted sportsman out of a muddy ditch). "Dunno. Can't tell till we've washed 'im down a bit!"]
MOST UNFORTUNATE
Horrible catastrophe which happened to Captain Fussey (our ladies' man) on his arrival at the opening meet. New coat, new boots, new horse, new everything! Hard luck!
A SEVERE TEST
Miss Sally (who has just taken off her mackintosh--to ardent admirer). "Look! they're away! Do just stuff this thing into your pocket. I'm sure I shan't want it again!"
A STUDY IN EXPRESSION
Irate M.F.H. (who has had half an hour in the big gorse trying to get a faint-hearted fox away, galloping to "holloa" on the far side of covert). "Confound you and your pony, sir! Get out of my way!"
[_Binks, who has been trying to keep out of people's way all day, thinks he can quite understand the feelings of the hunted fox._
]
OUR HUNT "POINT TO POINT"
Last week our Point to Point steeplechase came off. So did several of the riders: this merely par parenthese. I offered to mark out the course, and, as I intended to escape the dread ordeal of riding by scratching my horse at the last moment, I thought it would be great fun to choose a very stiff, not to say bloodthirsty, line. Awful grumbling on the part of those unhappy ones who were to ride. Just as the bell rang for saddling, Captain Sproozer, ready dressed for the fray, came up to me with very long face, and said, "Beastly line this, you know, Phunker. I call it much too stiff."
I smiled in pitying and superior manner. "Think so, my dear Sproozer? My horse can't run, worse luck, but I only wish I were going to have the gallop over it."
"So you shall, then!" cried a rasping voice, suddenly, from behind me. Sir Hercules Blizzard was the speaker, an awful man with an awful temper. "So you shall. My idiot of a jockey broke his collar-bone trying to jump one of the fences on this confounded course of yours to-day, so, as I am without a rider, you shall ride my mare Dinah."
Swallowed lump in my throat as I thanked him for his offer, but thought I had better decline, as I didn't know the mare, and besides that, I----
"Oh! all right, I know what you are going to say: that you're not much good on a horse"--(nothing of the sort! I was not going to say any such thing, confound the man!) "Of course, I know all that, and that you're not much of a rider; but I can't help myself now. It's too late to get a decent horseman, so I shall have to make shift with you."
Deuced condescending of him. I made a feeble effort to escape, and would cheerfully have paid a hundred pounds for the chance of doing so. Phil Poundaway, great friend of mine, came up and said (sympathetically, as I thought at first), "I should think you'd prefer to get off it, wouldn't you, Phunker?"
Thought he would volunteer in my place, so was perfectly frank with him. "My dear Phil, I'd give a hundred to get off----"
"Ah! you will, I expect, at the first fence, without paying the money!" he grinned, as he turned away.
Murder was in my heart at that moment. I got on Dinah, and, feeling like death, rode down to the starting-post. Thoughts of a misspent youth, of home and friends and things, came o'er me. I seemed once more to see the little rose-covered porch, the----
"What on earth are you mooning about?" thundered the Blizzardian voice in my ear. "Take hold of her head tighter than that, or you'll be off!"
The next moment the starter yelled "Go!" and away, like a whirlwind, we sped across the first field, towards a huge, thick blackthorn fence, the one I had thought to see such fun with. Fun! I never felt less funny in my life, as we approached it at the rate of two thousand miles an hour! The mare jumped high, but I jumped much higher, and seemed for a brief moment to be soaring through the blue empyrean. Somehow, the mare managed to evade me on the return journey earthwards, and, instead of alighting on the saddle, I found myself "sitting on the floor." A howl--it might have been of sympathy, but it didn't sound quite like that--arose from the crowd, and then I thought that I would go home on foot, instead of returning to explain matters to Sir Hercules. As a matter of fact, I don't much care for associating with old Blizzard, at all events, not just now.
AMENITIES OF SPORT
Huntsman (to Whip, sent forward for a view). "Haven't ye seen him, Tom?"
Whip. "No, sir."
Huntsman. "If he'd been in a pint pot, ye jolly soon would!"]
HIS LITTLE DODGE
First Hunting Man (having observed the ticket with "K" on it in his friend's hat). "I didn't know that old gee of yours was a kicker. He looks quiet enough."
Second Hunting Man. "Well, he isn't really. I only wear the "K" to make people give me more room!"]
TRUE COURAGE
Whip. "Hi, sir! Keep back! The fox may break covert there!"
Foreigner. "Bah! I fear him not--your fox."]
THE FORCE OF HABIT
Spanner (a great cyclist, whose horse has been startled by man on covert hack). "Hi! confound you! Why the deuce don't you sound your bell!!"
"THE CART WITHOUT THE HORSE"
Scene--Cub-hunting. Time--About one o'clock.
Lady. "Well, Count, what have you lost? Your lunch?"
The Count (who breakfasted some time before six o'clock, a.m.). "No, no! Donner und wetter! I have him, but I have lost my teeth!"]
HORRIBLE PREDICAMENT
Gent (on mettlesome hireling). "'Elp! 'Elp! Somebody stop 'im! 'E's going to jump, and I can't!"
MOST EMBARRASSING
Lady (hiding behind bush, to Mr. Spoodle, who has captured her horse). "Oh, thank you so much! But I hope to goodness you have found my skirt as well!"
[_Nice position for Mr. Spoodle, who is very bashful, and has seen nothing of the garment_.
]
"DO NOT SPEAK TO THE MAN AT THE WHEEL"
'Arry (puffing a "twopenny smoke," to huntsman, making unsuccessful cast). "Very bad scent."
Huntsman. "Shockin'! Smells like burnin' seaweed!"]
OBEYING ORDERS
"It's all very well for master to say 'Keep close to Miss Vera, Miles'--but I want to know 'oo's going to take Miles to the 'orsepital?"
GALLANTRY REWARDED
Lady (having had a fall at a brook, and come out the wrong side,--to stranger who has caught her horse). "Oh, I'm so much obliged to you! Now, do you mind just bringing him over?"
JUST OFF
"Ride her on the snaffle, Tom! Don't ride her on the curb!"
"Hang your curb and snaffle! I've enough to do to ride her on the saddle!"]
THE TRIALS OF AN M.F.H.
M.F.H. (to misguided enthusiast who has been cheering hounds on a bad scent). "Now then! Am I going to hunt the hounds or are you?"
Enthusiast (sweetly). "Just as you please, m'lord, just as you please."]
OFF HIS GUARD
Farmer (just coming up). "Young gentleman riding your brown horse, my lord, had nasty accident a field or two back. Barbed wire--very ugly cuts!"
My Lord. "Tut--tut--tut! Dear--dear--dear! Not the horse, I hope?"]
"BON VOYAGE!"
Mossu (shot into a nice soft loam), exultingly. "A--ha--a! I am safe o-vere! Now it is your turn, Meester Timbre Jompre! Come on, sare!"
