Monday.--Dear old Bluewater--what a good fellow he is!--asks me to join his yacht, the Sudden Jerk, for Cowes week. Never been yachting before.
Tuesday.--Arrive Ryde Pier, correctly (I hope) "got up"; blue serge, large brass anchor buttons, and peaked cap. Fancy Bluewater rather surprised to see how au fait I am at nautical dress. "Ah! my dear fellow, delighted to see you. Come along; the gig is lying alongside the steps. One of the hands" (why "hands"?) "shall look to your traps." We scramble into gig and are rowed out to 50-ton yawl. Climb up side. Bluewater says, "Come below. Take care--two steps down, then turn round and---- Oh! by Jove! what a crack you've caught your head. Never mind, old boy, you'll soon get accustomed to it." Devoutly hope I shall not get accustomed to knocking my head. Arrive at foot of "companion" (why "companion"?) stairs. Bluewater pulls aside curtains and says, "There you are!" Reply, "Oh! yes, there I am. Er--is--do you lie on the shelf--oh! berth, is it!--beg pardon--or underneath it?" He explains. "You'll find it very jolly, you know; you can lie in your bunk, and look right up the companion to the sky above." "Oh! awfully jolly," I say. We repair on deck. Get under weigh to run down to Cowes. Dear old Bluewater very active. Pulls at ropes and things, shouting "leggo-your-spinach-and-broom," and other unintelligible war-cries. Stagger across deck. Breeze very fresh. "Lee oh!" shouts Bluewater; "mind the broom!"--or it might have been boom--and next moment am knocked flat on my back by enormous pole.
Arrive Cowes. Crowd of yachts. Drop anchor for night. Go below, damp face in tiny iron basin; yacht lurches and rolls all the water out over new white shoes. Enter saloon, tripping over some one's kit-bag at the door. Try to save myself by clutching at swing-table, which upsets and empties soup tureen all over my trousers. Retire, change, return. Host and I sit down and proceed to chase fried soles backwards and forwards across treacherous swing-table. "Now, my dear fellow isn't this jolly? Isn't this worth all your club dinners?" Reply "Oh, yes," enthusiastically. Privately, should prefer club in London. Weather gets worse. Try to smoke. Don't seem to care for smoking, somehow. Feel depressed, and ask dear old Bluewater to describe a sailor's grave. Tries to cheer me up by saying, "Don't waste the precious moments, my friend, on such sad subjects. You are not born to fill a seaman's grave. There's a class of man not born to be drowned, you know." Then he laughs heartily. Try to smile; fail. Pitching and rocking motion increases. Retire early and lie down on shelf. Fall off twice. Manage to reach perch again. Weather gets worse. Shall never sleep with noise of trampling on deck and waves washing yacht's sides. Shall never---- Sudden misgiving. Am I going to be----? Oh! no, must be passing dizziness. It cannot possibly be.... IT IS!!!
Am rowed ashore, bag and baggage, next morning. Dear old Bluewater tries to keep me from going, and says, "What, after all, is sea-sickness?" Dear old Bluewater must be an ass. Confound old Bluewater!
THE EXCURSION.
Head of Family. "I reckon some of us'll have to stand, or we shan't all get seats!"
CAUSE AND EFFECT
Mrs. Brown. "I had such a lovely bathe last Thursday, dear."
Niece. "That was the day of the tidal wave, wasn't it, Auntie?"]
Full-sized Tripper. "How does one get into the churchyard, please?"
Simple Little Native. "Through this 'ere 'ole!"
Walking Tourist. "What's the name of this village, my man?"
Yokel. "Oi dunno, zur. Oi only bin 'ere a month!"
THE OLD WORLD AND THE NEW
Fair Yankee (in Egypt). "I say, uncle, can yew tell me, air there ever any new camels? I guess all I've seen must be second-hand!"
AN UNCONGENIAL SPOT FOR TEETOTALERS.--Barmouth.
A MAN WHO BEATS ABOUT THE BUSH.--An Australian.
"IN PERIL OF PRECIPITATION"--Coriolanus, iii. 3.
Stout Party. "Hi! boy, stop! I'm going to get off."
Donkey Boy. "Yer carn't, marm. There ain't room!"]
DETECTED.--Clerical Tourist (visiting cathedral). "Always open, eh? And do you find that people come here on week-days for rest and meditation?"
Verger. "Ay, that they do, odd times. Why, I catched some of 'em at it only last Toosday!"
