Mr. Punch's Book of Sport 10 – Anonymous · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Book of Sport 10The Useful Cricketer
18
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Book of Sport 10
The Useful Cricketer
AnonymousEnglish
(A Candid Veteran's Confession.)
I am rather a "pootlesome" bat--
I seldom, indeed, make a run;
But I'm rather the gainer by that,
For it's bad to work hard in the sun.
As a "field" I am not worth a jot,
And no one expects me to be;
My run is an adipose trot,
My "chances" I never can see.
I am never invited to bowl,
And though, p'r'aps, this seems like a slight,
In the depths of my innermost soul
I've a notion the Captain is right.
In short, I may freely admit
I am not what you'd call a great catch
But yet my initials are writ
In the book against every match!
For although--ay, and there is the rub--
I am forty and running to fat,
I have made it all right with the Club,
By presenting an Average Bat!
ANOTHER TITLE!! SUPPLEMENTAL GAZETTE OF BIRTHDAY HONOURS.--Dr. W. G. Grace to be Cricket-Field-Marshal.
Muscular High Church Curate. "Wonderful things 'Grace' does!"
Low Church Vicar (surprised at the serious observation from his volatile friend). "Ah, my dear sir, true----"
High Church Curate. "Yes. Only fancy, y'know!--ninety-two, and not out!!"]
"LE CRICQUETTE"
How he will be played--shortly.
Offices of the Athletic Congress, Paris.
MONSIEUR,
I am overwhelmed with my gratitude to you and to the generous dignitaries the Chancellors of your Universities, the Heads of your great Public Seminaries, and the Principal of your renowned Mary-le-bone College Club for the information they have given me concerning "Le Criquette," your unique National game, and I thank you in the name of my Committee for your present of implements--les wickettes, le boule de canon, les gros bois (the batsman's weapons), le cuirasse pour les jambes de Longstoppe, and other necessaries for the dangers of the contest that you have so kindly forwarded for our inspection. But most of all are we indebted to you for sending over a 'ome team of your brave professionals to play the match against our Parisian "onze," for you rightly conjectured that by our experience of the formidable game in action, we should be able to judge of its risks and dangers, and after mature investigation be able so to revise and ameliorate the manner of its playing as to bring it into harmony with the taste and feeling of the athletic ambition of the rising generation of our young France.
A Match has taken place, as you will see by "Le Score" subjoined, which I enclose for your inspection. It was not without its fruits. It disclosed to us, as you will remark by referring to "Le Score," very practically the dangerous, and I must add, the murderous capabilities that "Le Cricquette" manifestly possesses. Our Revising Committee has already the matter in hand, and when their report is fully drawn up, I shall have much satisfaction in forwarding it to you. Meantime, I must say that the substitution of a light large ball of silk, or some other soft material for the deadly "boule de canon" as used by your countrymen, has been decided upon as absolutely necessary to deprive the game of barbarism, and harmonise it with the instincts which Modern and Republican France associates with the pursuit of a harmless pastime. Les wickettes, as being too small for the Bowlsman to reach them, should be raised to six feet high, and the Umpire, a grave anomaly in a game cherished by a liberty-loving people, should be instantly suppressed. The "overre," too, should consist of sixteen balls. But this and many other matters are under the consideration of the Committee. I now subjoin "Le Score" I mentioned; a brief perusal of it will show you what excellent grounds the Committee have for making the humanising alterations at which I have hinted.
