Mr. Punch's Book of Sport 34 – Anonymous · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Book of Sport 34Advice to Young Croquet-Players
18
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Book of Sport 34
Advice to Young Croquet-Players
AnonymousEnglish
1. Always take your own mallet to a garden party. This will impress everyone with the idea that you are a fine player. Or an alternative plan is to play with one provided by your host, and then throughout the game to attribute every bad stroke to the fact that you have not your own implement with you.
2. Use as many technical terms as you can, eking them out with a few borrowed from golf. Thus it will always impress your partner if you say that you are "stimied," especially as she won't know what it means. But a carefully-nurtured reputation may be destroyed at once if you confuse "roquet" with "croquet," so be very careful that you get these words right.
3. Aim for at least three minutes before striking the ball, and appear overcome with amazement when you miss. If you have done so many times in succession, it may be well to remark on the unevenness of the ground. If you hit a ball by mistake always pretend that you aimed at it.
4. It is a great point to give your partner advice in a loud and authoritative tone--it doesn't matter in the least whether it is feasible or not. Something like the following, said very quickly, always sounds well:--"Hit one red, take two off him and make your hoop; send two red towards me and get into position." In a game of croquet there is always one on each side who gives advice, and one who receives (and disregards) it. All the lookers-on naturally regard the former as the finer player, therefore begin giving advice on your partner's first stroke. If she happens to be a good player this may annoy her, but that is no consequence.
5. Remember that "a mallet's length from the boundary" varies considerably. If you play next, it means three yards, if your opponent does so, it means three inches. So, too, with the other "rules," which no one really knows. When in an awkward position, the best course is to invent a new rule on the spur of the moment, and to allege (which will be perfectly true) that "it has just been introduced."
6. Much may be done by giving your ball a gentle kick when the backs of the other players happen to be turned. Many an apparently hopeless game has been saved by this method. Leave your conscience behind when you come to a croquet-party.
SWEET NAME FOR YOUNG LADIES PLAYING CROQUET.--Hammerdryads.
THE POET OF CROQUET.--Mallet.
LAWN-TENNIS COSTUME
(Designed by Mr. Punch.)
"NOUVELLES COUCHES SOCIALES!"
"I say, uncle, that was young Baldock that went by,--Wilmington Baldock, you know----!"
"Who the dickens is he?"
"What! haven't you heard of him? Hang it! he's making himself a very first-rate position in the lawn-tennis world, I can tell you!"]
HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE
Auntie. "Archie, run up to the house, and fetch my racket. There's a dear!"
Archie (preparing to depart). "All right. But I say, auntie, don't let anybody take my seat, will you?"]
COMFORTING
Proud Mother. "Did you ever see anybody so light and slender as dear Algernon, Jack?"
Uncle Jack (at thirty-five). "Oh, you mustn't trouble about that, Maria. I was exactly his build at eighteen!"]
LAWN-TENNIS UNDER DIFFICULTIES--"PLAY!"
If space is limited, there is no reason why one shouldn't play with one's next-door neighbours, over the garden wall. (One needn't visit them, you know!)
Stout Gentleman (whose play had been conspicuously bad). "I'm such a wretched feeder, you see, Mrs. Klipper--a wretched feeder! Always was!"
Mrs. Klipper (who doesn't understand lawn-tennis). "Indeed! Well, I should never have thought it!"
She. "What a fine looking man Mr. O'Brien is!"
He. "H'm--hah--rather rough-hewn, I think. Can't say I admire that loud-laughing, strong-voiced, robust kind of man. Now that's a fine-looking woman he's talking to!"
She. "Well--er--somewhat effeminate, you know. Confess I don't admire effeminate women!"]
