Mr. Punch's Book of Sport 42 – Anonymous · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Book of Sport 42To Football
18
Literature · Humor
Mr. Punch's Book of Sport 42
To Football
AnonymousEnglish
Farewell to thee, Cricket,
Thy last match is o'er;
Thy bat, ball, and wicket
Are needed no more.
To thy sister we turn,
For her coming we pray;
Her worshippers burn
For the heat of the fray.
Hail! Goddess of battle,
Yet hated of Ma(r)s,
How ceaseless their tattle
Of tumbles and scars!
Such warnings are vain,
For thy rites we prepare,
Youth is yearning again
In thy perils to share.
Broken limbs and black eyes
May, perchance, be our lot;
But grant goals and ties
And we care not a jot.
Too sacred to name
With thy posts, ball, and field,
There is no winter game
To which thou canst yield.
MOTTO FOR AN IMPECUNIOUS FOOTBALL CLUB.--"More kicks than halfpence."
PREHISTORIC PEEPS
During a considerable portion of the year the skating was excellent, and was much enjoyed by all classes.
GENUINE ENTHUSIASM
(A Thaw Picture.)
What matter an inch or two of surface-water, if the ice be still sound underneath!]
"LE FOOTE-BALLE"
Offices of the Athletic Convention, Paris.
MONSIEUR,--Having already expressed my views as to the capabilities possessed by "Le Cricquette" for becoming a national game worthy the attention of the young sporting gentlemen of our modern France, I now turn me to the consideration of your "Foote-Balle."
I have examined the apparatus for the play you have so kindly sent over,--the great leathern bag of wind which is kicked, "les Goalpoles", and the regulations for the playing of the game, and have seen your fifteen professional County "kicksmen" engage,--I shudder as I recall the terrible sight,--in a contest, horrible, murderous, and demoniacal, with an equal number of my unhappy compatriots, alas! in their enthusiasm and élan, ignorant of the deadly struggle that awaited them in the game in which they were about innocently to join. To witness the savage rush of your professional kicksmen was terrifying, and when, in displaying "le scrimmage", they scattered, with the kicks of their legs, my fainting compatriots, who fell lamed and wounded in all directions, I said to myself, this "Foote-Balle" is not a pastime, it is an encounter of wild beasts, "un vrai carnage," fit to be played, not by civilised sporting gentlemen, but by cannibals.
But let me explain that it is not the kick to which I object, for is not le coup de pied the national defence of France? Indeed, in your own fist contest in "Le Boxe-Match," is not to deliver a kick in the jaw of your antagonist considered a meritorious coup, showing great skill in the boxeman? And do not our own garçons de collège kick a confrère when he is "down," and point to the circumstance with a legitimate pride and satisfaction? No, it is not le coup de pied which makes horrible "Le Foote-Balle," but the conspiracy organised of the kicksmen--Les Demidos (the 'alf-backs), Les En Avants (the Forwards), and the "Goal-keepers"--all to kick the leathern bag of wind at once, and so produce a murderous mêlée in which arms, legs, ribs, thighs, necks, and spines are all broken together, and may be heard simultaneously cracking by any of the terror-struck but helpless spectators who are watching the ghastly contest.
Viewing the game under this aspect, you will not be surprised to hear that my Committee have, as they did in dealing with "Le Cricquette," revised the rules and regulations for the playing of your "Foote-Balle," so as to suit it to the tastes and requirements of the rising generation of our Modern France. I cannot at present furnish you with full details of the suggested modifications, but I may inform you that it has been unanimously decided that the "Balle," which is to be of "some light, airy, floating material, and three times its present size," is not to be touched by the foot at all, but struck lightly by the palm of the hand, and thus wafted harmlessly, with a smart smack, over the heads of the combatants.
As to costume, the game is to be played in white satin bed-room slippers, with (as a protection in the event, spite every possible precaution, of "le scrimmage" arising) feather pillows strapped over the knees and chest. It is calculated by our Committee that the savage proclivities of the game, as fostered by the terrible rules of your murderous "Rugby Association," will be thus, in some measure, counteracted.
Hoping soon to hear from you on the subject of your Courses d'Eau, as I shall doubtless have some suggestions to make in reference to the conduct of your aquatic contests, receive, Monsieur, the assurance of my most distinguished consideration,
