The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 11 – Behn · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 11The Sixth Pleasure
18
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 11
The Sixth Pleasure
BehnEnglish
Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a Midwife and Nurse.
In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apron from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist (as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.
And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail, that your wife cannot any more call you a Dry-boots, or a John Cannot; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because you could have no witnesse for your vindication.
You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted with the name of Dad & Pappa; which is as pleasing and acceptable for you now, as the name of Bridegroom was before.
O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger, and increaseth the affections.
Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations; But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her: besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone till another time.
Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her! the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it. Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.
But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the Maid.
To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with Jane the Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to school to learn casting of an account.
Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now possess.
Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were made.
But this requires some time: and then you'l have reason to rejoice; for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.
Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse, because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.
Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse the best.
And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, having already spent above a months time in examining among her kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a matter of no small weight.
Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!
And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought & used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too & again.
Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom; and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.
These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical humours.
But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect & reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your first-born childs God-fathers, and others to be God-mothers: Neither will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.
Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.
Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to appear.
