The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 17 – Behn · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 17A Letter
18
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 17
A Letter
BehnEnglish
From one Friend to another,
Desiring to know whether it be advisable to marry.
SIR,
I must acknowledge that the Letter which you have writ me hath given me some incumbrance, and made me more then three times to ruminate upon the question you propounded to me concerning Marriage; for it is a matter of great importance, that ought to be well pondered and considered of, before one should adventure to solemnize & celebrate it. Several of my familiar friends have troubled me touching the very same subject, and I gave them every one my advice according as they were affected; but me-thinks I ought not to deal so loose and unboundedly with you, by reason I dare speak unto you with more freedom and truth. First, there are two things which bind me strictly to you, Nature and the Affection; and moreover the great knowledge I have of this so necessary an evil. I will tell you my opinion, then you may use your own discretion, whether you will approve of my meaning for advice or not. For my part, I beleeve that of all the disasters we are subject to in our life time, that of Marriage takes preference from all the rest: But for as much as it is necessary for the multiplying the World, it is fit it should be used by such as are not sensible of it, and can hardly judge of the consequences thereof. Neither do I esteem any man unhappy, let whatsoever disasters there will happen to him, if he doth not fall beyond his sence so far as to take a Wife. Those troubles that may befall us otherwise, are alwaies of so small a strength! that he who hath but the least magnanimity may easily overpower them. But the Tortures of Marriage are such a burthen, that I never saw no man, let him be as couragious as he would, which it hath not brought under the yoke of her Tyranny. Marry then, you shall have a thousand vexations, a thousand torments, a thousand dissatisfactions, a thousand plagues; and in a word, a thousand sort of repentings, which will accompany you to your Grave. You may take or chuse what sort of a Wife you will, she'l make you every day repent your taking of her. What cares will come then to awake and disturb you in the middle of your rest! and the fear of some mischance or other will feed your very spirit with a continual trouble.
For a morning-alarm you shall have the children to awaken you out of sleep. Their lives shall hasten your death. You shall never be at quiet till you are in your Grave. You will be pining at many insufferable troubles, and a thousand several cogitations will be vexing your spirits at the chargeable maintenance of your Family. Insomuch that your very Soul will be tormented with incessant crosses, which alwaies accompany this evil, in the very happiest marriages. So that a Man ought in reality to confess, that he who can pass away his daies without a Wife is the most happiest. Verily a Wife is a heavy burthen; but especially a married one; for a Maid that is marriageable, will do all that ever she can to hide her infirmities, till she be tied in Wedlock to either one or other miserable wretch. She overpowers her very nature and affections; changes her behaviour, & covers all her evil and wicked intentions. She dissembleth her hypocrisie, and hides her cunning subtleties. She puts away all her bad actions, and masks all her deeds. She mollifies both her speech and face; and to say all in one word, she puts on the face of an Angel, till she hath found one or other whom she thinks fit to deceive with her base tricks and actions. But having caught him under the Slavery of this false apparition; she then turns the t'other side of the Meddal; and draws back the curtain of her Vizards, to shew the naked truth, which she so long had palliated, and her modesty only forbad her to reveal: By degrees then vomiting up the venom that she so long had harboured under her sweet hypocrisie. And then is repenting, or the greatest understanding of no worth to you: Perhaps you may tell me, that you have a Mistriss, who is fair, rich, young, wise, airy, and hath the very majestical countenance of a Queen upon her forehead; and that these are all reasons which oblige you to love her.
But I pray, consider with your self, that a fair Woman is oftentimes tempted; a young, perillous; a rich, proud and haughty; a wise, hypocritical; an airy, full of folly; and if she be eloquent, she is subject to speak evilly: if she be jocund and light hearted, she'l leave you to go to her companions, and thinks that the care of her mind, is with you in your solitariness; and by reason she can flatter you so well, it never grieves you. If she be open-hearted, her freedom of spirit will appear hypocritical to you: her airiness you will judge to be tricks that will be very troublesom to you. If she love playing, she'l ruine you. If she be liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, she leads your children the ready road to an Hospital. If she be a bad Housekeeper, she lets all things run to destruction, that hath cost you so much care and trouble to get together. If she be a finical one, that will go rich in her apparel, she'l fill the Shopkeepers Counters with your mony. And in this manner her lavishness, shall destroy all your estate. To be short, let her be as she will, she shall never bring you much profit. In good troth, I esteem very little those sort of things, which you imagine to have a great delight in. 'Tis true, if you take a Wife, which is ugly, poor, innocent, without either air or spirit; that's a continual burthen to you all your life time. The old are commonly despised; the ugly abhor'd; the poor slighted; and the innocent laught at. They are called beasts that have no ingenuity: and women without airiness, have generally but small sence of love. In these last some body might say to you, that one ought to take of them that are indifferently or reasonably well qualified. But I will surge a little higher, and tell you plainly, that that will be just like one who fearing to drown himself at the brinks of a River, goeth into the middle, to be the higher above water. You see now, why I cannot advise you to marry. Yet I would not have you to beleeve, tho I so much discommend it, that it is no waies usefully profitable. I esteem it to be a holy institution ordained by God Almighty. That which makes it bad is the woman, in whom there is no good.
If you will marry, you must then conclude never to be any thing for your self again; but to subject your self to the toilsom will and desires of a Wife, most difficult to be born with; to pass by all her deficiences; to assist her infirmities; to satisfie her insatiable desires; to approve of all her pleasures, & whatsoever she also will you must condescend to. Now you have heard and understood all my reasons and arguments, you may then tell me, that you have a fine estate, and that you would willingly see an heir of your own that might possess it; and that it would be one of your greatest delights, to see your own honour and vertues survive in your children. But as to that I'l answer you, and say, that your reward shall be greater in relieving the poor and needy; then to leave rich remembrances to Heirs; and procure you an everlasting blessing, that you might otherwise leave for a prey to your children; who it may be are so bastardized in their birth, that they are both Spendthrifts and Vagabonds; for it happens oft that good trees do not alwaies bring forth good fruit. If, when you have seriously perused this my Letter, you are not affrighted at your intention; marry: but if you take it indifferently; marry not. And beleeve me, that a man who is free from the troubles & vexations of marriage, is much happier and hath more content to himself in one day, then another in the whole scope of his Wedlock. And what's more, a single man may freely and resolutely undertake all things, to Travel, go to battell, be solitary, & live according to his own delight; without fearing that at his death he shall leave a Widow and Fatherless children, who must be delivered over to the Fates, for their friends will never look after them. Hitherto I have kept you up, concerning your intention; and further I give you no other advice, then what by your self you may take to your self. If you marry, you do well: but not marrying, you do better. And if you will incline to me, rather then to marry, you shall alwaies find me to be
