The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 22 – Behn · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 22The Second Pleasure
18
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 22
The Second Pleasure
BehnEnglish
The Husband grows Pipsy; and keeps the first Lying-in: Takes the Doctors advice. Is mocked by his Pot-Companions.
Just as one Candle lights another, so we see also, that two, sympathetically minded, know, by the cleaving of their lips together, how to breathe into each other their burning hearts-desire, wherewith the one doth as it were kindle the other, and do every moment renew and blow on again their even just now extinguished delights.
Of this you have here a pattern from our late married, for whom the longest Summer daies and Winter nights fall too short to satisfy their affections; they hardly know how to find out time that they may bestow some few hours in taking care for the ordring and setting all things in a decent posture in their new made Shop; imagining that they shall alwaies live thus, Salamander-like in the fire, without being ever indamaged by it. But time will teach them this better. In the mean while we will make our selves merry with the pleasure of this married Couple, who see now their Shop fully in order, furnisht with severall brave goods, and a pretty young fellow to attend it.
But because Customers do not yet throng upon them, they find no other pastime then to entertain each other in all manner of kind imbracements, and to chear up their hearts therein to the utmost. Here it may be plainly seen how pleasant and delightfull it is for the young woman, because her physiognomy begins to grow the longer the more frank and jocund.
_So, that to us, her countenance doth display
Her souls content, e're since her Wedding day._
But just as a burning Candle doth consume, though to it self insensible, yet maketh of hers joyfull by its light, so doth our new married Man, before few months are expired, find that he becomes the very subject of flouting at and laughter, among his former boon Companions; because every one jestingly tells him, that he is sick of a fever, that the paleness of his Face, the lankness of his Cheeks, and thinness of his Calves, doth shew it most plainly.
And verily there are some artificial Jesters who do it so neatly, that he himself beleeves it almost to be true: yet nevertheless, to avoid their mockeries, casts it of from him as far as possible may be. But his own opinion doth so clearly convince him, that in himself he ponders and considers what course is best to be taken.
But housoever as long as he goes and walks up and down, eats and drinks, he thinks that the tide will turn again. Yet finding himself inwardly weaker of body rallies with his own distemper, in hopes that by his jesting, among his merry Companions, he may from them understand what is best, upon such occasions, to be done or avoided; and they seriously jesting say to him: O friend, wean yourself from your wife and Tobacco, and drink Chocolate, and eat knuckles of Veal, or else you'l become like one of Pharaohs lean Kine. Oh ho, thinks he, if that be true, I have spent my reckoning this evening very happily.
Now young woman, don't you admire if your husband comes home at night discontented in mind, for his wits run a Wool-gathering, and he has walkt in a dump from Towerhill to Tuttle Fields contriving what's best for him to do, and how to compass the matter neatly. For to remain so from his dear and delicate Wife, not paying unto her the usual family duty, is below the generosity of a man; and to tell her what the matter is, is yet worse. To leave of Tobacco, and eat knuckles of Veal, is feasible. But to go to a Coffehouse and alwaies drink Chocolate, that sticks against the stomack.
Nevertheless Necessity hath no Law. And the Occasion overpowers affection. Insomuch that after a thousand pondrous considerations, he resolves to deny his dearly beloved Wife a little of that same; and to that purpose will somtimes in an evening feign to have the headake, or that he is very dull and sleepy, (which is no absolutely;) and thereby commands his man to call him up somtimes very early in the morning, as if there were forsooth Customers in the Shop, &c. and hunts up and down among the Chocolate Dealers to get of the very best, preparing it himself in milk, treating all that come to visit him with Chocolate instead of Tobacco; and he feigning that he hath an extraordinary delight in it; and on the other side, perswade his wife that he has a huge mind to eat a knuckle of Veal, some good broath, and new-laid Egs, or some such sort of pretty conceited diet.
But perceiving that this avails little, and that he grows rather weaker then stronger; away he trots to the Scotch Paduan Doctor, who immediately prescribes a small Apothecaries Shop, at the least twenty or more several sorts of herbs, to be infused in a pottle of old Rhenish wine, and twice a day to drink half a quartern thereof at a time: Item a Plaister to be applied to his Stomack; and an unguent for the pit of the Stomack, under the nose, and to chafe the Temples of the head; but most especially to keep a good strengthning diet, &c.
But this seems to have too much stir in the view of his wife; therefore must be laid aside; and away he goes then to a High German Doctor, who without stop or stand, according to the nature of his country, Mountebank-like begins to vaunt, as followeth: _Ach Herr, ihr zijt ein hupscher, aber ein swaccher Venus-Ritter; ihr habt in des Garten der Beuchreiche Veneris gar zu viel gespatzieret, und das Jungfraulicken Roszlein zu oftmaal gehantiret; ihr werd ein grosze kranckheyt haben, wan ihr nicht baldt mein herlich Recept gebraucht, aber wan ihr dieses zu euch neimt, ihr zold alzo baldt hups gecuriret warden, zolches das ihr wie ein redlicher Cavalier andermaal tzoegerust, daz Jonfferliche Slosz besturmen, erobren, und da uber triomfiren zol. Dan ihr must viel gebrauchen daz weise von Ganze und Enteneyeren, die wol gebraten sind, Rothkohl mit feysem fleisch gekockt, alte Huner kleyn gehacket, Hanen Kammen, Swezerichen, Schaffe und Geisse-milch mit Reisz gekockt, auch Kalbs und Taubengehirn viel gegessen mit Nucis Muscati; und Reinischer Wein mesich getruncken; es is gewis wan ihr dieses vielmaal thut, ihr zold wieder kreftich und mechtich werden, und es werd sijner liebsten auch gar wol gevellich zein._
In English thus.
Oh Sir, you are a brave, but a weak Knight, you have walkt too much in the mid-paths of the Garden, and plukt too often from the Rose-tree, if you make not use of my noble remedies, you'l have a great fit of sickness; but if you do take it, you'l be very quickly and dextrously cured; in such a manner, that like a Warriour you may both storm and take the Fortress, and triumph over it. Be sure then to make often use of the whites of Geese and Ducks-Egs roasted, Red-Cabidge boild with fat meat, old Hens beaten to pieces, Cox-combs, Sweet breads, Sheeps and Goats milk boild with Rice; you must also often eat Calves and Pigeons brains with Nutmeg grated in them; and drink temperately Rhenish Wine; it is most certain that by a frequent doing of this, you will grow both able and strong again; and it will also be very acceptable to your dearly beloved.
Here stands the poor Cully again, and looks like a Dog in a Halter, and perceives that this Doctor Jobbernole gives him an abundance of words but few effects for his mony; because all his boasting, doth, for the most part, contain what he had before made use of; and is therefore unwilling to trouble his wives brain with all that boiling and stewing, and all the rest of the circumstances. This makes him take a resolution to let it take its course. But still growing weaker and weaker, is at last fain to keep his bed, and constrained to send for one of our own Country Doctors, and makes his complaint to him, that he is troubled with an excessive head-ake, weakness in the reins of his back, a lameness in his joints that he can hardly lift his arm to his head; together with a foulness of his stomack, which makes him that he can retain nothing, but is forc't to vomit all up again, &c. Out of all which reasons the Doctor perfectly understands the ground of his distemper; and in the absence of his wife, reveals it unto him.
O how delicately these Cards are shufled! if the game go thus forward, it will come to be a stately Pleasure! but principally for the Doctor, who privately simpers at the playing of his own part, and never fails to note down his Visits; but most especially if he have the delivery of the Medicins into the bargain; placing them then so largely to account as is any waies possible to be allowed of; which makes the Apothecary burst out into such a laughter, as if he had received the tiding of a new Bankrupt.
But go you forwards Doctor, it must be so, you have not studied for nothing; and it is no small matter to be every time ordering of new remedies; especially when we see that you constantly write.
Rx Vini Rhenani vetustissimi & generostssimi M ij.
And then again to eat oftentimes Pistaches, Almonds, Custards, and Tansies, &c.
Though since the Patient, like making a Martyr of himself, is in this manner fallen into the hands of the Doctor, his dearly beloved Wife is not negligent to acquaint all the friends with it; who immediately come running to give a visit to the sick, and speak words of consolation to the good woman. But alas grief and sorrow hath taken such deep root in her heart, that no crums of comfort, though ever so powerfull, can dispossess her calamities: for the seeing of a husband who loved her so unmeasurably, and was so friendly and feminine, to ly sick a bed, would stir up the obdurest heart to compassion, and mollifie it with showers of tears.
But even as all the Relations, by messengers, are made acquainted with this sickness; report in like manner is not behind hand with making it known to good acquaintance and arch Jesters, who (as I shewed you before) are very ready to appear with their flouts and gibes, and instead of comforting, begin to laugh with the Patient, saying: O Sir, we have perceived, a long time since, that you were more then half your reckoning, and that your lying-in was much nearer then your wives; and we alwaies thought, because we had tasted out such delicate Wedding-wine for you, that you would have desired us to have taken the like care for to have such at yours, and afterwards at your Wives lying-in. Yet since it hath not so hapned, we hope that the Doctor hath taken so much the better care for it.
Thus rallying, they begin to get the bibbing-bottle, and guess at the same time, as if it had been told them, that the Doctor in his last receipt had ordered Rhenish Wine.
And just as the Women in the Eighth Pleasure of the First Part produce abundance of Remedies; the assembly of Men do here in like manner cast up a hundred Receits which makes Peggy the maid blush and be most cruelly ashamed at; but behind the Window she listens most sharply to hear what's told and confessed by those that be in the Chamber, as to the further matter of fact.
For Master Barebreech relates, that as he was travelling the last Summer into the North, and so forwards into Scotland, going through Edenburgh, met there with his cousin Master Coldenough, who look'd so lean and pale-fac'd; that Master Barebreech told him, in truth Cousin, I should hardly have known you; verily you look as if you were troubled; and I beleeve you have the feeling of a first lying-in through all your joints. Well Cousin, saies the t'other, it seems that you are deeply studied in the Art of Witchcraft, for I fear its too true. I went from home on purpose to take my pleasure for three weeks or a month, that I might store my self with fresh provisions, and sing a sweet ditty in commendations of my Betty. Ho, Ho, saith Master Barebreech, flatter not your self with such a fancy, that you'l get as much up again in three weeks or a month, as you have been running behind hand in four. If you'l do well, let's for a frolick go into France, there's a gallant air, and we shall be very good company together, and fear not but that we'l make much of our selves; then when we come home again, you'l find your self so well, and both you and your wife will be thankfull to me as long as you live for my good advice of taking this journy. To be short, the Cousins travell together, and Master Coldenough came home so lusty, fat and plump, that all his acquaintance, and especially his hungry wife, admired mightily that he was so fat and corpulent.
At this all the jesting-wags burst out into a laughter. But having toss'd up their cups bravely about again, Peggy comes in with a fresh Kan, and Master Winetast begins to relate how that he used to be familiarly acquainted with a certain brave Judge, who had a bucksom bouncing Lady to his wife. The Judge feigns a Letter, which at noon, as he was sitting at Table with his Lady, was brought him very cleaverly by his man. He seemingly unknowing of it, opens and reads, that he must immediately, without further delay, go upon a journy; having read that, prepares himself with his man forthwith to be going.
But whilest the Judge was gone into his Closet, as seeming to take some important writings along with him; the Lady calls his man privately into the Parler, and forces him by threats of her displeasure to tell her, who delivered him that Letter; with a promise of her favour if he spoke the truth. Whereupon the fellow trembling, answered, Madam, I have received it from my Lord the Judge; but he hath strictly commanded me to keep it secret, so that if he come to know that I have mentioned any thing of it to your Ladiship, he will have the greatest displeasure of the World against me. Do not you fear anything, said her Ladiship, but be faithfull in what you do.
A pretty while after, the Judge having been some time at home, and walking with his Lady towards their Garden, they met with a drove of Sheep, having but one Ram amongst them: Whereupon her Ladiship askt, Sweetheart, how comes it, that that one Sheep hath such horns, and the t'others none at all? My Dear, said he, that is the Ram, the He-Sheep. What, said she, are the others then all She's? O yes, my Love, answered he. How! replied she, but one Ram among so many Sheep. Yes Hony, saies the Judge, that is alwaies so, then (sighingly she said) alas poor Creature, how must you long then to walk some other Road!
There had been more related; for Master Carouser was entred upon a new subject; but because the Doctor came in, they were constrained to break of.
But Ellen the starchster, being busie in the Kitchin with the Mistriss about ordering the Linnen, having let the Doctor in; saith, Mistriss, the Doctor is come there, and is gone into the Chamber; by my truly Mistriss, I hear say that my Master hath got a fever. O Nel, saith the Mistriss, this is clear another thing, this sickness is not without great danger; and it would be no such wonder, if my husband hapned to dy of it; and where should we then find the Pleasures of Marriage that some arch Jesters so commonly talk of.
But kind Mistriss be not so hasty, it is impossible to express all the Pleasures so fully in one breath: you must note, that they are all as it were for the present hid behind the Curtains; neither must you expect to sail alwaies before wind and tide; and beleeve me there are yet other Nuts to be krackt.
