The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 23 – Behn · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 23The Third Pleasure
18
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 23
The Third Pleasure
BehnEnglish
Whilest the Husband is from home, the Wife plaies the Divel for God's sake. The Husband upon his journy will want for nothing.
It seemed to be a divellish blur in the Escucheon, and a cruel striving against the stream, that as soon as the Shop was just made and furnisht, then the good Man falls sick, and keeps the first Lying in.
But Experience having taught him, that with relishing and solid dishes a man may overclog himself; he thinks it not unadvisable, to take a journy now and then from home, to see if he can get some new Customers in other Towns, or buy in some Goods and Wares for his Shop; by which means he may as well take as good care for his health, as he doth of his Shop-keeping.
Yet what comes here in the way, the pleasure is so great, and their loves so tender and newly stamped to each other again; that the young woman thinks she shall do, as formerly Cyana did, either consume her self in tears, or drown'd her self in a River, if she must suffer this.
Oh, the whole World will be unto her as dead, and without any thing of mankind, if her dearly beloved depart from her! Well, who will not then but beleeve that the married estate is full of incomprehensible and inexhaustible pleasures and sweetnesses? Do but behold how these two Hony-birds, sing loath to depart! Yea, pray observe what a number of imbracings, how many thousand kisses, and other toyisch actions are used, before this couple can leave one another! Nevertheless the reason of necessity, doth forsooth conquer in a vigilant husband these effeminate passions.
Therefore away he goes, leaving his whining beloved sitting between her Sister and her Neece, speaking words of consolation to her; and using all arguments possible to enliven and make her sorrowfull heart merry; either of them striving to be most free in proffering to be her bedfellow, and the next day to keep her company: But alas, saies she, suppose ye did all this, yet nevertheless I have not my husband with me!
But because time and good company help to decline and pass away sorrow; she very happily begins to consider, that she hath now a fit opportunity, to invite her Neeces and Bridemaids and other good acquaintance, with whom she hath been formerly mighty familiar, to come and take a treat with her, and to drink a dish of Tee; for they have, when she was in her Maiden estate, treated her so many times with Tarts, Pankakes and Fritters, Custards, and stew'd Pruins, that she is as yet ashamed for not having made them some recompence. And she never could find an occasion that was convenient before, because one while she dwelt with her Guardians, and at another time with her Uncle; who took very sharp notice where on, and in what time her pocket-mony was spent and consumed, that they continually gave her for trivial expences. Which vext her so much the more, because the treat she received, was for the most part done, to bring her acquainted with this or that Gentlewomans Brother, or Cousin, or some other pretty Gentlemen; to the end, that by this means she might happen to make a gallant Match; and indeed the first original of the wooing, and acquaintance with her beloved, had there its foundation.
To treat these Gentlewomen when her husband is at home, would no waies appear so well; and so much the more, because they generally suffer themselves to be conducted to the place by one or other of their Gallants; who then either very easily are persuaded, or it may be of themselves, tarry to take part with them. Therefore this must be done and concluded on, because she hath now the disposal and keeping of the mony as well as her husband.
Here now must Doll run up and down tan-twivy to borrow a Rowling-pin, and some other new invented knick-knacks, to bake Cheesekakes and Custards in; whilest Mage is also hardly able to stand longer upon her legs, with running up and down to fetch new-laid Egs, Flour, Sugar, Spices, blanch'd Almonds, &c. The Mistriss and Doll are able to perform this duty well enough; for they both helpt to do it, very neatly at her Neeces birth-day; but the Pastry-Cook must be spoken to for the making a delicate minc'd Py; and Mage must run to the Confit-makers in Black-Fryers, to fetch some Conserves, Preserves, and of all other sorts of Sweetmeats, Raisins of the Sun, and more of the like ingredients, &c. for she knows best where all those things are to be had. And for a principal dish there ought to be a Pot of Venison, a couple of Neats-tongues, a delicate peece of Martelmas beef, some Anchovis, and Olives for the Gentlemen, because they certainly will accompany the Gentlewomen. And truly they that bring them, may very well tarry to carry them home again; it is also but one and the same trouble. Goodman Twoshoes is gone out of Town, and sees it not, neither need he know it when he comes home: He treats so many of his friends and acquaintance, and then again next day following invites them to a Fish-dinner. I may very well play my part once in my life, and have all things to my mind, let come on't what will, who knows whether such another occasion may happen again this three years. And against next morning, very privately, she invites the Gentlewomen alone, to come about nine a clock in the morning, to eat hot Buns, and Cakes, for then they come precisely out of the Oven; and in the afternoon again, to some curious Fruit, Pankakes and Fritters, and a glass of the purest Canary let it cost n'er so much, or be fetcht ne'r so far.
Thus runs the tongue of this pretty housewife, that but a while ago was so sorrowfull for the departure of her beloved husband. Certainly there's nothing comes out more suddenly, or dries up more easily, then womens tears!
But hangt no more of that; for the guests will be here presently, therefore all things ought to be in order for mirth. And moreover there there are some of them that frequent Mr. Baxter's Puritanical Holding-forth, whose heads will immediately, in imitation of their Patron, hang like Bull-rushes; for they are taught to mourn with the sorrowfull, and to rejoice with the joifull. But it is now a time to be merry, and throw away masks and vizards; for all is done under the Rose, and among good acquaintance. And verily if the good woman had not this or some such sort of delight, where should we find the pleasures of marriage? for in the first Lying-in of the husband there was no looking for them.
Come on then, that mirth may be used, let the Cards also be brought in sight; which formerly, out of a Puritanical humour, ought not to have been seen in a house; nay, not so much as to have been spoken of; but now every one knows how to play artificially at Put, all Fours, Omber, Pas la Bete, Bankerout, and all other games that the expertest Gamesters can play at. And who knows whether they do not carry in their Pockets, as False-Gamesters do, Cards that are cut and marked. They learn to play the game at Bankerout so well with the Cards, that in a short time they can and also do it with their Housholdstuf, Wares, and Commodities. To be sure, you'l alwaies find, that every one of them, by length of time, are capable of setting up a School, and to act the part of a Mistriss. And most especially they learn to discourse very exactly touching the use and misuse thereof; just as these dissimulating Wigs intend to do, though indeed men have never seen that they practised this lesson themselves.
But, although the Mistriss and her Companions know little or nothing of these tricks, they serve howsoever, without setting up a School, and that also for nothing, for good Instructresses to their servants, who hereby are most curiously taught, what paths they have to walk in, and what's best for them to do that they may follow their Mistresses footsteps, as soon as their Master and Mistriss are but gone abroad together; who then know so exactly how to dance upon those notes, that we thought it necessary, as being one of the principallest Pleasures of Marriage, also to be set down in the Third Table of the First Part.
Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease, will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it.
But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences, serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner
_Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:
Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best._
Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies: For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards, that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of.
Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.
Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises, so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other things plenty, for little or nothing.
But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations, that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must, with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting, every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins, that came in by leger de main: Relating unto them, as if she did it by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.
All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.
