The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 5 – Behn · Verses Across
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 5The Ten Pleasures of Marriage
18
Literature · Humor
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage 5
The Ten Pleasures of Marriage
BehnEnglish
The Nuptial estate trailing along with it so many cares, troubles & calamities, it is one of the greatest admirations, that people should be so earnest and desirous to enter themselves into it. In the younger sort who by their sulphurous instinct, are subject to the tickling desires of nature, and look upon that thing called Love through a multiplying glass, it is somewhat pardonable: But that those who are once come to the years of knowledge and true understanding should be drawn into it, methinks is most vilely foolish, and morrice fooles caps were much fitter for them, then wreaths of Lawrel. Yet stranger it is, that those who have been for the first time in that horrible estate, do, by a decease, cast themselves in again to a second and third time. Truly, if for once any one be through contrary imaginations misled, he may expect some hopes of compassion, and alledge some reasons to excuse himself: but what comfort, or compassion can they look for, that have thrown themselves in a second and third time? they were happy, if they could keep their lips from speaking, and ty their tongues from complaining, that their miseries might not be more and more burdened with scoffings which they truly merit.
And tho not only the real truth of this, but ten times more, is as well known to every one, as the Sun shine at noon day; nevertheless we see them run into it with such an earnestness, that they are not to be counselled, or kept back from it, with the strength of Hercules; despising their golden liberty, for chains of horrid slavery.
But we see the bravest sparks, in the very blossoming of their youth, how they decay? First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in all manner of noble exercises, as in keeping time all dancing, singing of musick, playing upon instruments, speaking of several languages, studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the learnedst Doctors, &c. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any exercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors of young Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of more then ordinary beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a damn'd bewitched pot of paint) she is immediately ador'd like a Saint upon an Altar: And in an instant there is as much beauty and perfection to be seen in her, as ever Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed all together.
And herewith those Gentile Pleasures, that have cost their Parents so much money, and them so much labour and time are kickt away, and totally abandoned that they may keep company with a painted Jezebel. They are then hardly arrived at this intitled happiness, but they must begin to chaw upon the bitter shell of that nut, the kernel whereof, without sighing, they cannot tast; having no sooner obtained access to the Lady, but are as suddenly possest with thousands of thoughts what they shall do to please the Sweet object. Being therewith so tosticated, that all their other business is dispersed, and totally laid aside. This is observable not only in youth of the first degree, but also in persons that have received promotion.
For if he be a Theologue, his books drop out of his hands, and ly stragling about his study, even as his sences do, one among another. And if you hear him preach, his whole Sermon is nothing but of Love, which he then turns & winds to Divinity as far as possible it can be fitted.
If it be a Doctor of Physick, oh! he has so much work with his own sicknes, that he absolutely forgets all his Patients, though some of them were lying at deaths dore; and lets the Chyrurgian, whom he had appointed certainly to meet there, tarry to no purpose, taking no more notice of his Patients misery, and the peril of his wounds, then if it did not concern him. But if at last he doth come, it is when the wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that the body is incurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple, or Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper.
If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how to begin and pursue the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in Marriage; that all other suits tho they be to the great detriment of poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly rejected. Then being desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give his advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with his Mistress, that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed. But coming at last, one half of the time that can be spent, is little enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in what state the cause stood at the last meeting. And then having heard what the Plaintif and Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences, the accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can make any decision of this cause to both your satisfactions.
There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say otherwise, but 'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready against the next meeting; and are, with grief at heart, forced to see as much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as the whole concern of their debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now discourse of matters of state, and drink a glass about to the health of the King & the prosperity of our Country and all the inhabitants; which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress, he may boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a glass, & I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as ever Nectar and Ambrose could be, that the Poets so highly commend.
If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what can the unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they are writing, scribble up a multiplicity of several words, unnecessary clauses, and make long periods; not so much as touching or mentioning the principal business; and if he does, writes it clear contrary to the intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills and other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the beginning, nor the middle with either. Which occasions between friends, near relations, and neighbors, great differences, and an implacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent and self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and Attorneys.
And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has gotten the least smatch of this frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he daily neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaies a Post or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what Merchandises rise or fall, or what commodities are arrived or expected. And by this means buies in Wares, at such rates, that in few daies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them. Nay, this distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and who hardly thrice in ten times make a good voyage.
And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a military person happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be in Garison, he doth nothing but trick up himself, walk along the streets, flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge and Warlike deeds; though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will not mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions, and a great deal more that belongs to him.
And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with him; and runs so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide fields are too narrow for him. Yea and tho he formerly had (especially by his Mistris) the name of behaving himself like a second Mars; yet now he'l play the sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to the end he may, having put on his fine knotted Scarf, and powdered Periwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable Babe, his Lady Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd Jeronimo.
And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted with any strong City or Fort that is besieged, he's presently in fear of his own Bom, and practises all sorts of waies and means how he shall best make a capitulation, that so leaving the place, he may go again to his fair one.
And alas, what doth not the Master of a Ship, and his Mate hazard, when they are sick of this malady? What terrible colds, and roaring seas doth he not undergo, through an intemperate desire that he hath to be with his nittebritch'd Peggy? How often doth he hazard his Owners Ship, the Merchants Goods, and his own life, for an inconstant draggle-tail; that perhaps before he has been three daies at Sea, hath drawn her affection from him, and given promise to another? Yet nevertheless, tho the raging Waves run upon the Ship, and fly over his head, he withstands it all. Nor is the main Ocean, or blustering Boreas, powerfull enough, to cool his raging fire, and drive those damps out of his brain. The tempestuousness of the weather, having driven him far out of his course; his only wishes and prayer is, oh, that he might be so happy, but for a moment to see his Beacon, those twinkling eys of his dearly beloved Margery Mussel! Then all things would be well enough! Tho he and all that are with him, were immediately Shipwrackt, and made a prey for the Fishes. And if, unexpectedly, fortune so favour him, that he happens to see the Coast, oh, he cannot tarry for the Pilot! but tho it be misty weather, and he hoodwink'd by Venus, still he sails forward, running all in danger, that before was so far preserved.
And if the Shop-keeper once sets foot into this destructive Wilderness, he doth nothing less then look to his shop, and wait upon his Customers. Spending most part of his time in finical dressing himself, to accompany his Mistriss, and with a Coach or Pair of Oars to do her all manner of caresses. Then his whole discourse is, with what good custom he is blest above others; but seldom saies, that with waiting upon his Lady, and by indeavouring to please her above all things, how miserably he neglects it, by which means, shop's not only found without a Master, but the servants without government. And at New-year, the day-book is not written fair over; and if any body desires their reckoning, the squire is so full of business, that he can't spare half an hour to write it out: For where he goes, where he stands, what he thinks, what he does, all his cogitations are imploi'd to think how delicious it is to press those soft lips of his beloved, and then out of an unfeigned heart to be lov'd again, sometimes receiving a kiss. Thus he idles away all his time, and all his business with his sences runs a wool-gathering.
To be short, let it be what sort of person it will, they no sooner touch the shell of this Marriage-nut, but before they can come to tast the kernel they look for; they feel nothing else then thorns and briars of sorrow and misery. If there be any one that thinks he is gotten a footstep further then another, in the favour of his Mistriss, and that in time he questions not th' obtaining his desired happiness; immediately, that imagined joy, is crush'd with an insuing despair; being presently molested with a fear, that Father, Mother, Uncle, or Tutor will not like his person, or that he has not means enough; or else either they, or the Gentlewoman, will make choice of another in his place. Or, if he sees another have access to the Lady as well as himself, at the same moment he's possessed with jealousie, and falls a pondering how he shall make this Rival odious in the eys of her. And if the other get any advantage of him; then he challenges him to fight; hazarding in that manner his precious life, for the getting of her, who when he had her, would perhaps, occasion him a thousand torments of death and misery. Pray observe what pleasures this introduction imparts unto us; alas, what may we then expect from the marriage it self?
Really, those that will take this into due consideration, who would not but curse the Gentlewoman that draws him into such a raging madness? yet Lovers go forward, and please your selves with this imagined happiness; but know, that if according to your hope, you obtain her for a Bride, that at the least you must expect a sence and feeling of the Ten insuing Pleasures.
